Answered (Apology for deleting)

McCMal · February 2014

First off, I am so sorry!

I deleted this post rudely. I realized I said many personal family issues in a rant. I did not want it broadcasted, and I should not have posted without thinking of this.

My issues revolved around a future mother in law who was upset at my fiance for paying for our wedding. She said it was the brides family's job. She was also planning aspects of the wedding without my knowledge.

The main issue was that she was telling my fiance what to do. He's 27, and she still wants to be an active part of his life, to active. The issue is more of a family one than a wedding one.

My advice, and the advice of the others on this page is to stop the problem by standing up to his mother.

Again, I apologize for any offence for deleting these posts. It was not tactful. Thank you for taking time to give me your advice and I will follow it.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

This is something for your FI to handle. This shouldn't be your battle. He needs to step up and tell her to back off. You need to talk to him. She shouldn't be guilt tripping him and he shouldn't be letting it happen.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Where is your FI in all this? He needs to be telling his mother to settle the fuck down and back the fuck off.

The bigger issue is that you don't seem to be a united front, and if she's in your business like this now, what's she going to be like after you get married?

McCMal · February 2014

McCMal · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

BuckarooChaser said:

We work closely with his family on the farm. He can't just tell them to back the hell off. She acts like he's 16 still, and yes, we're working on that.

It was just tonight that she pulled him aside and freaked out over the whole money thing, like I say she's still trying to be in his money and every aspect of everything. I've looked at his expenses, I know what we can spend, I've planned accordingly and I'm pinching like crazy. And I've gone over it with my FI. He just doesn't have it all memorized and didn't know what to tell her for the cost.

It's really none of her business. And yes, I'm trying to work with him on telling her no, and to back out but she's had some health issues and he's worried even though he hides it. I don't think he can be firm with her now, when he has a hard time normally.

BuckarooChaser said:

And even without the money issue, the fact that she and her sister are planning out things like the food without even asking me is awkward. We went to sunday dinner today, and his aunt had cooked a whole meal for us to try, half of which I wasn't a fan of. But it's hard to sit there at dinner with his family, and say 'I don't like peas, my FI doesn't like broccolli, I don't like most of this'. They have a whole price figured out, plates picked out, and a game plan to cook it all.

It was all laid out on a tablecloth in my wedding colors, a centerpiece in what they think I want. They're pushing plastic tablecloths when I've said I want linen ones, and my mom has a friend who does a lot of weddings, and is finding me tablecloths. She's also offered to cater for us. But even though I've told them this, they push what they want. In one ear and out another. His cousin pulled me aside and said she'd try and calm her mother down. But its stressful.

Then I don't know what kind of advice you want. You and your FI need to have a come-to-Jesus conversation with his mother, and get her to realise he's not 16 anymore.

Until or unless you're both willing to grow spines and tell your FMIL that she's over-stepping, the problem is going to continue.

You can do it nicely, but you still have to do it.

GBCK · February 2014

If he can't tell her to back the hell off on this, that's a whole ball of ARGH coming down the pipe on everything.

Kids. Home decorating. Life. Holidays. EVERYTHING.

the time to deal w/ this is yesterday.

FiancB · February 2014

Yep, agreed. He needs to make it very clear that she is sucking all the joy out of the wedding. This is not going to end when the wedding's over.

Do you have a venue as opposed to getting married at home or whatever? If so, I would make it very clear to them that you are the one that is to make all final decisions. Let them know exactly what's going on and that she doesn't have final say in anything.

Sounds like they're cooking for you? Which is nice of them. FI needs to suggest some different food options though if it's something the two of you don't care for. I would use the cooking as a reason that they can't do the planning for everything because they're going to be really busy doing that.

emmyg65 · February 2014

Oh man, this is going to end badly. There are polite ways to set boundaries, but it can be hard. For example, he needs to sit down with his mom and say, "Mom, I love you, and I love how excited you are about our wedding, but we're planning this ourselves. Please stop trying to plan things on your own. And I'm not going to talk about the budget with you."

Then if she brings something up, he says, "Mom, I told you I'm not talking about the wedding with you. If you continue, I'm going to [get off the phone/leave the room/go home]." And then follow through. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

In the case where she made that whole dinner thing, he should have said, "We're not going to have you cater. We want you to be able to enjoy just being guests at our wedding, and we have our own plans for food."

TBH, if you two can't work this out now, I don't think you should get married.

singinchick13 · February 2014

You really need to nip this problem, now. It will only get worse as the two of you come to want more independence from her, such as when you are ready to start a family of your own. I would tell her flat out "It is nice of you to try to help, but I'll take it from here". Make it clear that you and your FI are the decision makers here. She had her wedding, this is YOURS - the two of you. Period. Suggestions are one thing but no plans should be made without your say, and if there is something you don't like be sure to tell her straight up. It is none of her business what you and FI are spending on your wedding, so you both need to make her realize this is not her place. If she will not concede, then both of you should refuse to discuss anything wedding-related with her, period. If she tries to bring it up just reiterate that she is not to be involved in the planning process. Tough love works for a reason.

McCMal · February 2014

mrsconn23 · February 2014

Why DD everything? Your questions, comments, and answers could have helped someone else.

PirateBarbie · February 2014

we can use "fuck" now?

really?!

FUCK, YEAH!

McCMal · February 2014

I am so sorry! Everyone, I apologize so much, I did not realize I was being rude. After realizing I got to deep into my personal family issues and I didn't want that broadcasted on the internet. I will not repeat this, I am so sorry for wasting space here, and offending anyone by deleting this. I will monitor what I say more carefully! I am new to the community standards on this site.

I will edit and attempt to show the main issues and any helpful information you have all given me.

I am so sorry!!!

Answered (Apology for deleting)

Re: Answered (Apology for deleting)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards