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Matron of Honor troubles....

xxBrittanyLBxxBrittanyLB member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Hey guys! So, I need some opinions.. I am having a matron of honor, a maid of honor, 4 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls.

I've asked them all and they said yes, and I was SO excited.. but I am starting to stress out a little.

My matron of honor, my MIL and my Mom all went to a David's Bridal and picked three dresses of two different fabrics. We did this because I'd pick a fabric and then whatever fabric I picked, the girls could choose whatever dress felt the most comfortable and looked the most flattering on them. 

A couple months later, I took all the girls except my SIL who lives about 3 hours away up to the dress shop for  them to try on, pick, and order their dresses. My Matron of Honor did not tell me until the NIGHT BEFORE that she would not be ordering her dress because her and her husband were having financial troubles. I told her that was fine as long as she ordered it soon. 

The next evening we had a heart to heart and I told her that her and her husband, who is also in the wedding, meant more to us with their friendship than them being in the wedding. She told me they had 5 credit cards maxed out and two hospital bills from two different surgeries to pay for....They also have 2 kids (which are her step kids), rent to pay and insurance, and all that jazz. Accepting the responsibility of Matron of Honor means you have to buy your dress, pay to have your hair and nails done, and I also want them to wear cowboy boots which she does not own either. Another responsibility is the bridal shower, which the other maid of honor, and my Mom's offered to help with...but still. She had MONTHS to save up for the dress that they got which the one she was looking at was only $139.00. Most of my bridesmaids and my maid of honor were concerned as to why she didn't get her dress... and I am just worried that if she can't even pay for her dress... is she going to be in the wedding. We are 8 months and like 28 days away from the wedding, but still she has a lot to do. She said they are a couple thousand dollars in debt and with their jobs right now I don't see how she will be able to do all of this.

So like I said, I had a conversation with her that basically gave her an out. I told her that their friendship was more important to us than being in our wedding, and if they couldn't be in the wedding I totally understood. I also told her that she was still more than welcome to come with us to get ready and participate in all of the festivities as I still want her there...I had this talk with her a couple weeks ago. She told me she was going to get the dress with her tax return money. But she also has bills to pay and I can't consciously sleep soundly at night knowing she is struggling BIG TIME with money yet she is just going to make things worse by being in our wedding. I haven't heard from her since I have talked to her, not one text to ask me how planning was going, if I needed anything...nothing. 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a total monster and kick her out of the wedding but she obviously didn't get the hint the first time...I don't necessarily want her OUT of the wedding but she has all these bills and 2 kids to pay for and I just don't see how she can pull this off...

Sorry for babbling, hope you could follow, but I am just at my wits end.

Does anyone know how to help me and what I should do?


Thanks in advance,
From A Desperate Bride To Be.
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Re: Matron of Honor troubles....

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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Agree with PP.
    The only responsibilities of a bridesmaid, MOH or not, is to buy the dress, show up to the wedding on time & sober, and smile for pictures.
    And it is also up to you to ask each bridesmaid, individually and privately, for her dress budget. $139 may seem like little to you, but I imagine it's quite a lot to a woman with 5 maxed credit cards and two kids to feed. Maybe David's Bridal was too expensive for her to begin with.

    Hair, make up, specific jewelry, specific accessories... a bridesmaid should not be required to purchase any of these things. If you envision them as part of the wedding costume, you need to pay for it (and none of it counts as the Bridal Party gift).


    The good news is this:
    8 months is still plenty of time to get a dress, especially a DB dress.
    You also have the option of buying the dress for her (and either keeping it hush hush or stepping up and paying for all your bridesmaids')

    You also do not need to have any more awkward conversations with her about "giving her an out." If she doesn't get the dress she'll have taken herself out of the wedding party. Easy-peasy. You won't have to do it. You also don't need to give her permission to leave the party; she gets to make that choice on her own so there's nothing for you to worry about.

    It sounds like your friend is having extreme financial problems so it's natural that those, and not your wedding, would be her priority. If she's able to buy a dress and be in your party, and maybe even chip in for the shower, that's great! If she decides she can't, then all you need to do is be supportive when she tells you she can't be in the wedding. But you don't need to do anything about it in the mean time.

    Good luck
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ditto PPs. I don't know where you got the idea that accepting being a MOH equals additional expenses beyond the dress.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    sarahuflsarahufl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    xxBrittanyLB said:
    Hey guys! So, I need some opinions.. I am having a matron of honor, a maid of honor, 4 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls.

    I've asked them all and they said yes, and I was SO excited.. but I am starting to stress out a little.

    My matron of honor, my MIL and my Mom all went to a David's Bridal and picked three dresses of two different fabrics. We did this because I'd pick a fabric and then whatever fabric I picked, the girls could choose whatever dress felt the most comfortable and looked the most flattering on them. 

    A couple months later, I took all the girls except my SIL who lives about 3 hours away up to the dress shop for  them to try on, pick, and order their dresses. My Matron of Honor did not tell me until the NIGHT BEFORE that she would not be ordering her dress because her and her husband were having financial troubles. I told her that was fine as long as she ordered it soon. 

    The next evening we had a heart to heart and I told her that her and her husband, who is also in the wedding, meant more to us with their friendship than them being in the wedding. She told me they had 5 credit cards maxed out and two hospital bills from two different surgeries to pay for....They also have 2 kids (which are her step kids), rent to pay and insurance, and all that jazz. Accepting the responsibility of Matron of Honor means you have to buy your dress, pay to have your hair and nails done, and I also want them to wear cowboy boots which she does not own either. Another responsibility is the bridal shower, which the other maid of honor, and my Mom's offered to help with...but still. She had MONTHS to save up for the dress that they got which the one she was looking at was only $139.00. Most of my bridesmaids and my maid of honor were concerned as to why she didn't get her dress... and I am just worried that if she can't even pay for her dress... is she going to be in the wedding. We are 8 months and like 28 days away from the wedding, but still she has a lot to do. She said they are a couple thousand dollars in debt and with their jobs right now I don't see how she will be able to do all of this.

    So like I said, I had a conversation with her that basically gave her an out. I told her that their friendship was more important to us than being in our wedding, and if they couldn't be in the wedding I totally understood. I also told her that she was still more than welcome to come with us to get ready and participate in all of the festivities as I still want her there...I had this talk with her a couple weeks ago. She told me she was going to get the dress with her tax return money. But she also has bills to pay and I can't consciously sleep soundly at night knowing she is struggling BIG TIME with money yet she is just going to make things worse by being in our wedding. I haven't heard from her since I have talked to her, not one text to ask me how planning was going, if I needed anything...nothing. 

    I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a total monster and kick her out of the wedding but she obviously didn't get the hint the first time...I don't necessarily want her OUT of the wedding but she has all these bills and 2 kids to pay for and I just don't see how she can pull this off...

    Sorry for babbling, hope you could follow, but I am just at my wits end.

    Does anyone know how to help me and what I should do?


    Thanks in advance,
    From A Desperate Bride To Be.
    Not up to you to determine. $139 is a lot to pay for a dress.
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    LadyMillilLadyMillil member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    xxBrittanyLB said:
    Hey guys! So, I need some opinions.. I am having a matron of honor, a maid of honor, 4 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls.

    I've asked them all and they said yes, and I was SO excited.. but I am starting to stress out a little.

    My matron of honor, my MIL and my Mom all went to a David's Bridal and picked three dresses of two different fabrics. We did this because I'd pick a fabric and then whatever fabric I picked, the girls could choose whatever dress felt the most comfortable and looked the most flattering on them. 

    A couple months later, I took all the girls except my SIL who lives about 3 hours away up to the dress shop for  them to try on, pick, and order their dresses. My Matron of Honor did not tell me until the NIGHT BEFORE that she would not be ordering her dress because her and her husband were having financial troubles. I told her that was fine as long as she ordered it soon. 

    The next evening we had a heart to heart and I told her that her and her husband, who is also in the wedding, meant more to us with their friendship than them being in the wedding. She told me they had 5 credit cards maxed out and two hospital bills from two different surgeries to pay for....They also have 2 kids (which are her step kids), rent to pay and insurance, and all that jazz. Accepting the responsibility of Matron of Honor means you have to buy your dress, pay to have your hair and nails done, and I also want them to wear cowboy boots which she does not own either. Another responsibility is the bridal shower, which the other maid of honor, and my Mom's offered to help with...but still. She had MONTHS to save up for the dress that they got which the one she was looking at was only $139.00. Most of my bridesmaids and my maid of honor were concerned as to why she didn't get her dress... and I am just worried that if she can't even pay for her dress... is she going to be in the wedding. We are 8 months and like 28 days away from the wedding, but still she has a lot to do. She said they are a couple thousand dollars in debt and with their jobs right now I don't see how she will be able to do all of this.

    So like I said, I had a conversation with her that basically gave her an out. I told her that their friendship was more important to us than being in our wedding, and if they couldn't be in the wedding I totally understood. I also told her that she was still more than welcome to come with us to get ready and participate in all of the festivities as I still want her there...I had this talk with her a couple weeks ago. She told me she was going to get the dress with her tax return money. But she also has bills to pay and I can't consciously sleep soundly at night knowing she is struggling BIG TIME with money yet she is just going to make things worse by being in our wedding. I haven't heard from her since I have talked to her, not one text to ask me how planning was going, if I needed anything...nothing. 

    I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a total monster and kick her out of the wedding but she obviously didn't get the hint the first time...I don't necessarily want her OUT of the wedding but she has all these bills and 2 kids to pay for and I just don't see how she can pull this off...

    Sorry for babbling, hope you could follow, but I am just at my wits end.

    Does anyone know how to help me and what I should do?


    Thanks in advance,
    From A Desperate Bride To Be.
    Do you know how stressful it is being in so much debt? Saving up the money to buy a BM dress shouldn't be a priority if she is struggling to pay bills and make credit card payments. If she can't afford to buy the dress, she will tell you that. If it is really important to you that she be in your WP you can buy the dress for her.
    To the second bolded, nobody cares about your wedding as much as you and your FI do. With all the financial difficulties she is facing right now, asking you how planning is going will be at the bottom of her priorities. 
    This has to be a really difficult and stressful time for her. Cut her some slack.

    Anniversary
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You're expecting way too much from your bms. I agree with pps, but I have one question. Why would you expect your bms to purchase cowboy boots for your wedding? If your friend doesn't own a pair, she probably has no use for them. 
                       
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    SJM7538SJM7538 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    Your best friend can't pay her bills and is struggling with her life, keyword here being her LIFE, and your worried about her buying boots and a dress for your ONE DAY. Your wedding would not be my priority either.

    If she really means that much to you buy the dress for her or let her get a dress off the rack in her own time and own budget. She has 8 months. It doesn't take 8 months to find a dress.

    And the boots you should be purchasing if you want your girls to wear them and she is not obligated to spend her money or do anything for your bridal shower. Especially money she does not have.

    I reall think you need to take a step back and think about what's really more important here... And the answer should be your friendship and not your wedding.
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    xxBrittanyLBxxBrittanyLB member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited February 2014
    Ok, let me first of all thank you all for your honest answers. 

    To someone, who I forget who wrote it about being "spoiled" and also that I "don't know what debt is like" obviously doesn't understand... 

    Secondly, I should have maybe cooled down before I wrote this post because all of you honestly seem a little bit harsh with your responses which is fine because I asked for your opinions and I respect that. I also left some parts out due to you all not having to read a whole damn book...

    First off, I am not on the best financial standing either. We are in the process of renovating a house and my biological father who said he was going to help with the wedding is really not stepping up to the plate after he said he was so my FI and I are practically paying for this wedding by ourselves. 

    Let me do this by numbers...And add key points I probably should have given you...

    1. My Matron of Honor gave me a date and told me when the best time financially for her to get the dress would be and I called and made an appointment after I had to cancel plans which was fine because I was happy to see my girls. Secondly, this included one of my bridesmaids driving 3 hours home from college just to do this, bless her heart. 
    2. I was diagnosed with a rare genetic connective tissue disorder when I was 15 and have had crazy amounts of debt and hospitalizations the past couple years so to the person who said I probably had no idea what kind of debt she is in...HA....I wish I didn't know.. $11,000 adds up to be a lot of money.
    3. When I asked my girls I told them, being a farmers daughter and due to not being able to wear heels do to my joints dislocating on a daily basis I would be wearing my "cliched' cowboy boots because that is what all of them wear, including myself, except my Matron of Honor who two of my bridesmaids have the same size shoe as her and offered an extra pair of theirs because we all will probably take them off at the reception anyways. So the boots are more for the ceremony and pictures. She DID not have to buy them but SHE INSISTED.
    4. When I asked my girls they asked me about hair and stuff and I told them honestly that I really didn't have all the money in the world to pay for them and while in a group, my MOH was the first one who came up with the idea of paying for it herself.... and the other girls thought that was a great idea. I begged them to let me help and they said absolutely not because of all I had been through the last year.
    5. The shower? Where I was raised that is "your" duty as MOH .. and my MIL and Mom said that they were MORE than willing to help with expenses and all and since the day I asked her she said that she was going to start planning it. I did not ask her to throw me one, nor do I really expect her to but I guess since she told me she was doing it, I have been worrying like a GOOD friend (which to you all I may not seem to be) because even though it is a great gesture, I know it's not needed ....so what am I supposed to do when she insists. 
    6. Never did I ever tell her that she had an out. I just told her that if her and her husband could not be in the wedding that I completely understood because I was once and still am in their shoes to a certain extent. 

    Again, thank you all for your very honest opinions, I really do appreciate it. But before you paint me to be the bad guy, I just wanted you to see why I am so confused because all the girls were on an understanding and I know technically I am supposed to pay for it but no one will let me. When she told me she couldn't order the dress the day that she picked to go, I told her I could help her with the down payment and the whole dress if I had too and she said absolutely not, that it was her responsibility. Therefore, I didn't want to pull the whole...Oh I am much more of a better person of than you because I know if someone offered to pay for my dress I'd have a hard time swallowing my pride which is what she was going...so I didn't want to guilt her anymore. 

    I really am trying to be a good friend and honestly, just want this whole wedding to be over with. It's gotten to the point I almost want to go to the courthouse to get married because this is just ridiculous. 

    So maybe, I should have added all this from the beginning so I could paint you guys the bigger picture, and honestly I know her and I are both at fault...but I feel that a lot of you think I am just being a bitch, which is fine too. Think what you want... 

    Thanks again.

    PS- I researched etiquette once again and here is some of the things I found on TheKnot.com ... that you all might want to check out....






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    Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    All of that extra information really wasn't necessary. Since she's your maid of honor, it wouldn't be a stretch for her to wear a different dress, so just give her a color, and she can find something off the rack between now and the wedding. I think you're making too much of this.
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    xxBrittanyLBxxBrittanyLB member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I didn't really give her a set wedding dress. I let her pick practically whatever she wanted off the racks. And she found one that was only $79 but wanted the $139 one instead...

    So I talked to her this evening and I just told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and I told her I would do whatever I could to help and she just reassured me which made me feel a bit better. I know she'll come through but I just have a lot on my plate which I am sure you all have either been through or are going through.

    Thank you again, ladies. I'd say now the case is closed and things seem to be going a bit smoother.
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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    From your extra info it looks like she offered to do/buy some things. I think as long as you realize that those things aren't required and are understanding if she has to change her mind (like maybe she'll just paint her own nails and do her own hair, maybe she won't wear boots, etc), things will work out.

    And throw those articles away. They are doodoo. ;)
    Your MOH is your closest friend who you want to give a special honor to. That's it. Her standing by your side is enough, despite what the wedding industry is trying to tell us.
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    BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Do you think it's possible that at the time, she thought these were things she could make work, but now can't and is embarrassed about it? 
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    Rebl90Rebl90 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    xxBrittanyLB said:
    Ok, let me first of all thank you all for your honest answers. 

    To someone, who I forget who wrote it about being "spoiled" and also that I "don't know what debt is like" obviously doesn't understand... 

    Secondly, I should have maybe cooled down before I wrote this post because all of you honestly seem a little bit harsh with your responses which is fine because I asked for your opinions and I respect that. I also left some parts out due to you all not having to read a whole damn book...

    First off, I am not on the best financial standing either. We are in the process of renovating a house and my biological father who said he was going to help with the wedding is really not stepping up to the plate after he said he was so my FI and I are practically paying for this wedding by ourselves. 

    Let me do this by numbers...And add key points I probably should have given you...

    1. My Matron of Honor gave me a date and told me when the best time financially for her to get the dress would be and I called and made an appointment after I had to cancel plans which was fine because I was happy to see my girls. Secondly, this included one of my bridesmaids driving 3 hours home from college just to do this, bless her heart. 
    2. I was diagnosed with a rare genetic connective tissue disorder when I was 15 and have had crazy amounts of debt and hospitalizations the past couple years so to the person who said I probably had no idea what kind of debt she is in...HA....I wish I didn't know.. $11,000 adds up to be a lot of money.
    3. When I asked my girls I told them, being a farmers daughter and due to not being able to wear heels do to my joints dislocating on a daily basis I would be wearing my "cliched' cowboy boots because that is what all of them wear, including myself, except my Matron of Honor who two of my bridesmaids have the same size shoe as her and offered an extra pair of theirs because we all will probably take them off at the reception anyways. So the boots are more for the ceremony and pictures. She DID not have to buy them but SHE INSISTED.
    4. When I asked my girls they asked me about hair and stuff and I told them honestly that I really didn't have all the money in the world to pay for them and while in a group, my MOH was the first one who came up with the idea of paying for it herself.... and the other girls thought that was a great idea. I begged them to let me help and they said absolutely not because of all I had been through the last year.
    5. The shower? Where I was raised that is "your" duty as MOH .. and my MIL and Mom said that they were MORE than willing to help with expenses and all and since the day I asked her she said that she was going to start planning it. I did not ask her to throw me one, nor do I really expect her to but I guess since she told me she was doing it, I have been worrying like a GOOD friend (which to you all I may not seem to be) because even though it is a great gesture, I know it's not needed ....so what am I supposed to do when she insists. 
    6. Never did I ever tell her that she had an out. I just told her that if her and her husband could not be in the wedding that I completely understood because I was once and still am in their shoes to a certain extent. 

    Again, thank you all for your very honest opinions, I really do appreciate it. But before you paint me to be the bad guy, I just wanted you to see why I am so confused because all the girls were on an understanding and I know technically I am supposed to pay for it but no one will let me. When she told me she couldn't order the dress the day that she picked to go, I told her I could help her with the down payment and the whole dress if I had too and she said absolutely not, that it was her responsibility. Therefore, I didn't want to pull the whole...Oh I am much more of a better person of than you because I know if someone offered to pay for my dress I'd have a hard time swallowing my pride which is what she was going...so I didn't want to guilt her anymore. 

    I really am trying to be a good friend and honestly, just want this whole wedding to be over with. It's gotten to the point I almost want to go to the courthouse to get married because this is just ridiculous. 

    So maybe, I should have added all this from the beginning so I could paint you guys the bigger picture, and honestly I know her and I are both at fault...but I feel that a lot of you think I am just being a bitch, which is fine too. Think what you want... 

    Thanks again.

    PS- I researched etiquette once again and here is some of the things I found on TheKnot.com ... that you all might want to check out....






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