Red flags keep appearing

jojobrn · February 2014

From over on Chit Chat, link to a previous thread in this one:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1011668/update

I just keep seeing more and more issues the more she posts.

kmmssg · February 2014

Me too. But it is to the point that she needs to either start taking advice and get some help or stop making excuses for him.

jojobrn · February 2014

Given her dating history, I am going to say she does nothing. I get the feeling her current role is what she wants, and she won't do a damn thing to change it.

mrsconn23 · February 2014

The more I read, the more I kept scunching my nose. Ugh. She's only 21 and she's not going to listen.

PirateBarbie · February 2014

i tried skimming some of that, and for some reason, in my mind, I'm picturing her as "derpy computer" girl.

PMeg819 · February 2014

She's 21 and Mormon. I'd say this is pretty par for the course for about 25-50% of the Mormons I know (settling for unhealthy relationships, not the mental illness). I'm not surprised. It's more important to get married and have kids then it is to have a healthy, stable relationship.

sarahufl · February 2014

PMeg819 said:

She's 21 and Mormon. I'd say this is pretty par for the course for about 25-50% of the Mormons I know (settling for unhealthy relationships, not the mental illness). I'm not surprised. It's more important to get married and have kids then it is to have a healthy, stable relationship.

This seems sort of unfair. I know a lot of LDS women who are not like that at all.

PMeg819 · February 2014

How is it unfair? I said for the Mormons I know, not every single Mormon out there.

GBCK · February 2014

you also said it was true of 25-50% of the mormons you know...meaning 50-75% aren't like that.

I'd say you under-estimated.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

At this point, literally everything she posts has a red flag in it, as far as I'm concerned.

But I think y'all are right. She's happy with this role she has, of care-taker/mother, and she's content being in a sexless, loveless, miserable marriage with a mentally unhealthy man who doesn't really love her or want to be with her.

The Mormon aspect of her relationship concerns me only because she's bought into the whole mentality of having to stay home, let him be the bread-winner, etc.

GBCK · February 2014

The LDS aspect makes my eyebrows raise more because there's so so little support for women who need out in the community.
They sometimes don't have their own money, they sometimes don't have the job skills, they often don't have family or church support even when leaving abusive asshats.
And it's scarier to ask for help when showing the chinks in your armor is officially looked down upon.

And seeking couples therapy/counseling often means 'talk to an elder who has no training or effing clue'

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

At this point, literally everything she posts has a red flag in it, as far as I'm concerned.

But I think y'all are right. She's happy with this role she has, of care-taker/mother, and she's content being in a sexless, loveless, miserable marriage with a mentally unhealthy man who doesn't really love her or want to be with her.

The Mormon aspect of her relationship concerns me only because she's bought into the whole mentality of having to stay home, let him be the bread-winner, etc.

I'm not sure if the second part of that statement is true.

As I said in the other thread, this is not a typical situation where her husband is just being a stubborn ass and refusing to go to therapy and to learn how to communicate better and how to meet her needs.

Her husband has frontal lobe damage- he has physical brain damage that precludes him from having a normal life emotionally and behaviorally. So he can go to therapy and they can discuss all of these things, but it's likely he won't be able to change anything due to his injury.

Not only that, but he is schizoaffective which also creates emotional and behavioral issues.

Given all of that, I don't know how effective couples therapy would be, but she should definitely seek individual therapy to explore the pattern of relationships she has been getting into.

KatWAG · February 2014

This may sound insensitive, but if I dont recognize her as a regular here, I would say she's trolling. There are just too many red flags and head scratching logic for me.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

At this point, literally everything she posts has a red flag in it, as far as I'm concerned.

But I think y'all are right. She's happy with this role she has, of care-taker/mother, and she's content being in a sexless, loveless, miserable marriage with a mentally unhealthy man who doesn't really love her or want to be with her.

The Mormon aspect of her relationship concerns me only because she's bought into the whole mentality of having to stay home, let him be the bread-winner, etc.

I'm not sure if the second part of that statement is true.

As I said in the other thread, this is not a typical situation where her husband is just being a stubborn ass and refusing to go to therapy and to learn how to communicate better and how to meet her needs.

Her husband has frontal lobe damage- he has physical brain damage that precludes him from having a normal life emotionally and behaviorally. So he can go to therapy and they can discuss all of these things, but it's likely he won't be able to change anything due to his injury.

Not only that, but he is schizoaffective which also creates emotional and behavioral issues.

Given all of that, I don't know how effective couples therapy would be, but she should definitely seek individual therapy to explore the pattern of relationships she has been getting into.

I think all of that actually backs up what I said -- I know he has schizoaffective disorder, which makes him, as I said, 'mentally unhealthy.' His brain damage precludes him from being able to love her or have a functional relationship with her -- or even want one.

JennyColada · February 2014

This topic seems really gossipy and rude.

FiancB · February 2014

Agreed. I love the uncensored atmosphere of this forum, but it's kind of shitty to start a topic on another board to talk about her. There are plenty of threads that she started to voice concerns on. If she wasn't going to listen before, she really won't when she sees this (which I'm assuming she did, since I see she does post in wedding woes)

thejucheidea · February 2014

Jennycolada said:

This topic seems really gossipy and rude.

McCMal · February 2014

GBCK said:

The LDS aspect makes my eyebrows raise more because there's so so little support for women who need out in the community.
They sometimes don't have their own money, they sometimes don't have the job skills, they often don't have family or church support even when leaving abusive asshats.
And it's scarier to ask for help when showing the chinks in your armor is officially looked down upon.

And seeking couples therapy/counseling often means 'talk to an elder who has no training or effing clue'

Ok I understand that this is probably a little late, but I am Mormon, so I thought maybe I Could say something to this topic.

Couples are asked to seek therapy because according to our beliefs, marriage is ETERNAL. Couples are asked to see all the theraputic help they can before their marriage will be terminated. Divorce is not common in the Mormon religion, that's why people seem to think we force our women to be married. But to my view, it's because our marriages are part of our eternal lives and family is the most sacred bond. So couples base their marriages on God (Not to say other's don't) but most of them work out. Some don't, those that don't don't because they got married to get married.

And I have never met any woman who wanted or needed help out of the community. I myself am not very active anymore, and while my church reaches out to me, I have NEVER felt forced into anything.

And, the church wants young women to go to College. They see that times are changing and that the man may not be the sole supporter anymore. Even if the woman never works, they want women to be educated, so that she can raise smart children, help out in the community with her skills and the likes.

Just because the majority of women in the Mormon Church are stay at home mothers does not mean they are victims of abuse or forced to do so. The church is very family oriented.

Edit:

And she is not sealed in the temple. At the point she is now, I doubt any bishop would allow that. They are unsure of their love. There are interviews you must go though to be married in the temple.

And the crap about how women are supposed to be... No. I don't know if maybe that was the way her parents raised her, but no. NO, no, no, no. Absolutely not. I cannot enforce this enough, women are not expected to be, "I should be a lady (lady being defined as quiet, reserved, stays home, pretty much your traditional woman's role)"

Horse shit. I call horse shit on it all. I am sorry, but this is my religion, I have seen the bad and the good of it, and this right here is horse shit. This leads me to believe that she has no idea what she is talking about, and is a troll, or what she was taught was incorrect. I was raised in Salt Lake City. I was never, ever told to be quiet or reserved.

I only wished to make this clear about my religion. I apologize if I should not have bummped this post, but I had to speak my mind on this particular topic.

Grabows14 · February 2014

So I was reading some of her posts randomly and not putting 2 and 2 together until right now, so I just realized these posts were all from the same person....

I really don't even know what to say, this situation is just terrible, and she doesn't seem to really care, except that she likes the attention she is getting from the knot. I really don't know how someone could marry another person like that on a whim, and be ok with being a the breadwinner, the caregiver, and all that jazz....

I also DO NOT buy that she can't get BC or therapy... doesn't she have any friends to talk to about this??

specificnorthwest · February 2014

mrs.conn23 said:

The more I read, the more I kept scunching my nose. Ugh. She's only 21 and she's not going to listen.

Oi. I'm 21 and I'm capable of listening to good advice and have escaped terribly abusive relationships and am now with a completely sane and healthy man who loves me. It just takes being mentally prepared and educated to leave someone as crazy and manipulative as her husband.

mrsconn23 · February 2014

sarahufl said:

PMeg819 said:

She's 21 and Mormon. I'd say this is pretty par for the course for about 25-50% of the Mormons I know (settling for unhealthy relationships, not the mental illness). I'm not surprised. It's more important to get married and have kids then it is to have a healthy, stable relationship.

This seems sort of unfair. I know a lot of LDS women who are not like that at all.

thejucheidea said:

Jennycolada said:

This topic seems really gossipy and rude.

I think this is their first visit to the Internet.

mrsconn23 · February 2014

PMeg819 said:

She's 21 and Mormon. I'd say this is pretty par for the course for about 25-50% of the Mormons I know (settling for unhealthy relationships, not the mental illness). I'm not surprised. It's more important to get married and have kids then it is to have a healthy, stable relationship.

So damn true.

Case in point, my mom told me that my (Mormon) cousin is getting married this summer. He's 21...maybe 22. I didn't even know that he had a GF. I would bet money that it's a somewhat 'arranged' marriage. Also, they were going to get married in August and the wedding has already been moved up to July because August was 'too far away'.

I'm sure I'll be getting a baby shower invite by this time next year.

I'm just wondering when his other three siblings are going to be getting hitched up (they're quadruplets). Maybe this summer's wedding will turn into a double wedding?

Red flags keep appearing

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