NWR: Need advice on how to give advice

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I have a friend, J. J used to be married to C and they had two kids, A and G.

C left J on Valentine's Day weekend two years ago.

J was heart-broken and tried lots of things to get C back, but she was having no part of it. J started dating again. In March, J met S. S has two kids by two different men.

J and S really hit it off, really got along well. C saw how happy J was, and tried to break him and S up. It worked. He dumped S because C said she wanted to get back together. Then C said no, she really didn't.

They did that dance two more times before J wised up, realised that C was being a cuntwaffle, and called her out on her shit.

Their divorce was finalised in August.

In September, S and J got married. They also immediately got pregnant. Their baby was born last summer.

Ever since S and J have been married, S has been pushing J to give custody of his kids to C. S doesn't want them, doesn't like them, doesn't want to deal with them.

There's been a lot of back and forth about what's going on with the kids. S keeps trying to keep J away from the kids, and have the kids live with C.

For a long time, S called all the shots -- everything went down exactly as she wanted it to, she got her own way on everything. Now, J is pushing back and fighting with her about spending time with his kids.

Today, she admitted to me that she really doesn't like his kids. She likes her own, but she doesn't like his, and she doesn't enjoy having them around or having to take care of them.

The kids were off school today (weather), and S is pissed at J because one of his kids, G, was already at the house under the custody agreement, but the other kid, A, wasn't, and C called J and said, 'Someone needs to come pick up A because I have to go to work.'

So J said, 'Drop her off at the house.' S is flinging a fit because she doesn't think she should have to 'baby-sit his kids' (her words).

I tried pointing out that they are her step-kids and she knew he had kids when they got married and that dealing with your spouse's needs are part of marriage. As an example, I pointed out all the times I dealt with DH's BSC granny (prior to Friday's little event) that I didn't really want to.

She's not buying it. She thinks he should shunt his kids off to C, full-time, and just raise her kids and their joint kid. I told her that's not feasible or realistic.-- that she knew he had those kids going into their marriage and she can't expect him to give them up for her.

He works FT (and a lot of OT). She was working when they met but is now a SAHM because she's always wanted to be a SAHM.

Even before I typed this all out, I knew she was in the wrong -- you can't hate your spouse's kids because they exist or because they're not handling the divorce well or because they're playing the parents off each other. That's all things kids do -- especially after a divorce, especially when they're testing the new boundaries of the relationships.

I also know that if she pushes him on this, it will cost her her marriage. He'll walk out -- or kick her out -- and she'll be 27 and twice-divorced with three kids to three men.

I just don't know what to tell her. I tried telling her that sometimes, marriage is about compromise and doing what you don't want to do for the sake of your spouse, but unless she gets her way on this, she plans to leave him.

I just don't get the mentality of hating someone else's kids but marrying them anyway.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

Ugh. She sounds controlling. If she won't listen to your advice about compromise it sounds like there isn't much you can do. That is super frustrating to watch I bet. I feel for J, but it sounds like J is letting S and C manipulate him (at different points in his life). I have no advice, but I don't think that J should cut off his kids just because S is being a jerk about them.

photokitty · February 2014

Tell her they should talk to a counselor. They need professional help to get through this. There are a lot of jacked up feelings going on here. I totally agree with you, she is going to destroy her relationship if they don't get some professional help. She is in the wrong, but there are clearly unresolved feelings. They need to explore other avenues, like cutting expenses so he is home more and she doesn't feel abandoned with "his" kids - this is a common feeling in cases like this it seems.

Blergbot · February 2014

Family. Counseling.

erinlin25 · February 2014

ew yuck. Turn it around in her-- how would she feel if J said "I hate your kids and they need to go live with baby daddy(ies)." That is a horrible thing to say and she sounds like a horrible person! J needs to kick her to the curb. Those are his children and they need to be more important to him at this point. You need to help J see what sort of person she is and if she is unwilling to compromise/change then he needs to do what is right for his Kids and leave the biatch.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

They definitely need to go to counseling. And it sounds like J needs to go to counseling on his own, as he doesn't seem to have much of a backbone when it comes to women. I also don't understand how someone marries someone knowing that they have kids, and then hating the kids. It's not as if the kids appeared out of nowhere. Unless they go to counseling, either S will win and J will have no relationship with his kids, or S will be divorced again. No option is particularly appealing.

FI's dad married some woman when he was a kid, and from what I gather, although he did not explicitly say it, she wanted nothing to do with him. FI said she always acted weird with him. As the years went by, FI saw his father less and less. By the time we met in college, the visits were already at like twice a year maybe. Now he has no relationship with his father. I've never met the dude. Meanwhile, he had a daughter with this woman that FI has not seen in over 10 years. So his father deserted his family for a brand new one. It's a crappy situation, but that is what will end up happening if J doesn't grow a backbone AND get to counseling.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

You've done pretty much all you can do, unfortunately.

S is clearly too selfish to realize that it's important for J to be in his kids' lives -- all of them. I wonder how she would feel if he insisted that her 2 children from previous relationships go live with their fathers full-time and essentially not be welcome in their home.

Divorces and remarriages are hard on everyone, and those kids need both parents right now. Also, c clearly has issues of her own and I don't think I'd want someone like that raising those kids on their own and being their main influence if there's an alternative available.

She IS going to cost herself her marriage, and it's going to be her own fault. If she doesn't realise that, it's a conscious choice she's making and no one can change that.

monkeysip · February 2014

You've done pretty much all you can do, unfortunately.

S is clearly too selfish to realize that it's important for J to be in his kids' lives -- all of them. I wonder how she would feel if he insisted that her 2 children from previous relationships go live with their fathers full-time and essentially not be welcome in their home.

Divorces and remarriages are hard on everyone, and those kids need both parents right now. Also, c clearly has issues of her own and I don't think I'd want someone like that raising those kids on their own and being their main influence if there's an alternative available.

She IS going to cost herself her marriage, and it's going to be her own fault. If she doesn't realise that, it's a conscious choice she's making and no one can change that.

*Stuck in box*

Exactly what I bolded above. I'm not making judgments on divorce or divorced people, but sometimes people don't realize how much this can affect the children, especially when they're not able to see one parent very often. That makes me so mad that she would act that way. He agreed to care for her kids when he married her, and she agreed to care for his kids. That's the commitment you make when you marry someone with children. She sounds like she's being extremely selfish and is not concerned with the well-being of the kids or her husband.

Not only will the kids be affected, but he as a dad will be very sad and regretful if he lets her control how much he sees his kids. Kids need their parents, but parents also need their kids.

chibiyui · February 2014

It sounds like your friend J has a problem with being attracted to cuntwaffles of all flavors.

I like the idea of turning it back on her, because she seems very self centered, and she might get it if it's related as something someone could do to her. But unfortunately, it seems like she's going to have to learn this the hard way.

smalfrie19 · February 2014

Having been the child in this position it SUCKS. My step dad never really wanted kids that werent his when he married my mom 10 (almost 11 years ago ps they are getting divorced this year) it seemed ok... When my brother was born...my sister and I were shunted off to the side. Once I hit 18 he did everything he could to get me to move out, even going so far as to say to my mom "She better be gone by the time I get home" whilst storming out of the house... I feel bad for these kids..it really breaks my heart.

bethsmiles · February 2014

Turning the situation around on her is probably the best way to show her what a bitch she is being. But honestly, if someone needs to be told they shouldn't hate their spouse's children and try to cut them out of their life they are probably a lost cause.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I took y'all's advice and turned it around on her. She said, 'But they're my kids and I love them.' I said, 'Probably your husband feels the same way about his kids.' She said, 'But my kids are loveable. His kids aren't.'

So....I got nothin'.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

My bio-dad's wife (I refuse to even call her my step-mother) has always been resentful of my me and my sisters. It hurt my younger sister a lot because she was very young and didn't really know everything behind my parents' divorce so still really wanted "daddy" in her life. She always made nasty comments about how we "took" his money because of child support so they barely had enough to live on (we were granted a whopping $50/week total, not even 50 each). While I really couldn't have given two shits about the bastard, I could just see how my sister struggled because she didn't understand why she was always angry with us and why our father would let her yell and scream at us all the time.

If this woman can't understand why your friend's kids are so important to him, he is better off without her. She could seriously destroy any relationship he has with his own children, and that's not fair to any of them.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

You were much kinder to her than I would have been. I would have flat out told her that if she pushes this that her husband was going to choose his kids over her.

FiancB · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I took y'all's advice and turned it around on her. She said, 'But they're my kids and I love them.' I said, 'Probably your husband feels the same way about his kids.' She said, 'But my kids are loveable. His kids aren't.'

So....I got nothin'.

Wow

She sounds insane. I feel really bad for the kids. I hope for their sake that he dumps her stupid, selfish, cuntbiscuit ass.

emmyg65 · February 2014

Honestly, I'd find it hard to be friends with a person like S. What she's doing is terribly damaging to J's children, as well as ridiculously self-centered and immature. Harsh, perhaps, but I have super-high standards for adults in relationships where children are involved. And frankly, I'm sad that J is putting his children in this situation. Adults gotta step up and be adults.

pegasuskat · February 2014

I had step parents that never really liked me or treated me the same as their kids and it sucks! If she really hates them, counseling isn't going to change that. For the kids sakes I hope he does divorce her, they don't deserve to be raised by somebody that does not like them.

Senecaf · February 2014

S sounds terrible. How old are these children? I feel very bad for them. If she feels so strongly that they should not be there they have to know.

As a parent one would expect her to understand that J cannot just stop loving his children and let them go. She could never do that with her two children. Apparently she doesn't understand that.

I think you've done all that you can with S. The only thing you could do now is talk to J. I cannot imagine ever being in a relationship with someone that did not whole heartedly accept my children. She may not love them as her own but they certainly should be treated the same and given similar affection and respect no matter what. As parents our responsibility is to raise good people. Without much else you can do that by providing good influence. Step parents share that responsibility when the marry someone with kids.

She sucks.

stef42188 · February 2014

F this B! I was so lucky as a kid - when my parents divorced and my dad had a new long-term girlfriend (they dated for about 8 years), she was so great that she and my mom would email each other, she came to my soccer games and graduations, talked to me about everything, and even helped with my undergrad tuition. In fact, even though she and my dad are no longer together (but are friendly), I think I may invite her to our wedding. It is my wish that every child were treated like this. Divorce is hard enough, but to then add a hateful jerk of a stepmother into the mix can really mess up a kid's self-esteem.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I took y'all's advice and turned it around on her. She said, 'But they're my kids and I love them.' I said, 'Probably your husband feels the same way about his kids.' She said, 'But my kids are loveable. His kids aren't.'

So....I got nothin'.

Woooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I don't even know what to say to that. There's no saving this one.

I hope that she doesn't believe in reincarnation, because in her next life, she's going to be a fruit fly.

chibiyui · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
I took y'all's advice and turned it around on her. She said, 'But they're my kids and I love them.' I said, 'Probably your husband feels the same way about his kids.' She said, 'But my kids are loveable. His kids aren't.'

So....I got nothin'.

Wow. Hunh.

I give this marriage another 6 months.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I took y'all's advice and turned it around on her. She said, 'But they're my kids and I love them.' I said, 'Probably your husband feels the same way about his kids.' She said, 'But my kids are loveable. His kids aren't.'

So....I got nothin'.

Somehow I missed this post before I honestly have no words for that. She sounds like a horrible person.

NWR: Need advice on how to give advice

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