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Rude to not have FSIL as BM?

ShadeofGreen816ShadeofGreen816 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So, my FI is 32, I'm 27. He has a little sister who is 16. They have a close relationship, but due to their age differences, it's almost more of an uncle-neice relationship rather than bro/sis. I know her, but we are not extraordinarily close, and she lives about an hour and a half from me. We are having 3 attendants, and I have 3 very close friends I want to include (I'm an only child). Is it rude to not include her in my bridal party? I feel as though more often than not, she would feel awkward as she won't be able to participate in some of the wedding party events (bach party primarily)? 

In that same vein, does anyone have any suggestions for a way to make her a part of our day without being a BM? We are planning a simple, short ceremony on the beach and I don't know that we'll have anyone do any readings. If we do, I will of course ask her if she'd like to. I'm planning to invite her to be with my BMs and my and FI's mother the day before and day of the wedding for any events (nails, hair, luncheon, etc).

 I'd just like to make her a part of our day without making her feel awkward. Thanks!
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Re: Rude to not have FSIL as BM?

  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you're not close to her, you are not obligated to have her as a BM. If your FI wants her to stand up in the wedding, he can have her on his side as a groomsmaid. If you still want to include her, perhaps have her say a blessing at the end of the ceremony? It's also possible she wouldn't feel comfortable participating at all, so asking her first is a good idea.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    First, let me say that it is absolutely not rude not to have her as a bridesmaid. You personally are not close to her, so it wouldn't make sense for her to be in the party anyway.

    However, scrap the idea that you have to have even sides, or only girls on one side and guys on the other. If your FI wants her to stand up with him, that is absolutely okay! It will not hurt anyone, and his sister might appreciate being asked to stand with him.

    Otherwise, get her a corsage. It marks her as an honored family member, just like mothers and grandmothers. It's a good way to make her feel appreciated without giving her some kind of job.
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  • ShadeofGreen816ShadeofGreen816 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    First, let me say that it is absolutely not rude not to have her as a bridesmaid. You personally are not close to her, so it wouldn't make sense for her to be in the party anyway.

    However, scrap the idea that you have to have even sides, or only girls on one side and guys on the other. If your FI wants her to stand up with him, that is absolutely okay! It will not hurt anyone, and his sister might appreciate being asked to stand with him.

    Otherwise, get her a corsage. It marks her as an honored family member, just like mothers and grandmothers. It's a good way to make her feel appreciated without giving her some kind of job
    Love this. Thanks! I hated the idea of giving her extra "work" to do (guestbook, etc). It seemed rude to me. Thanks!
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  • MrsEllMrsEll member
    Third Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I would ask FI what he wants. If he thinks she should be in the wedding, then make her a junior bridesmaid. She won't have any responsibilities beyond showing up and wearing some version of what your other three are wearing. She could walk in ahead of everyone else by herself.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MrsEll said:
    I would ask FI what he wants. If he thinks she should be in the wedding, then make her a junior bridesmaid. She won't have any responsibilities beyond showing up and wearing some version of what your other three are wearing. She could walk in ahead of everyone else by herself.
    Why a junior bridesmaid? At 16 there's no responsibility that any bridesmaid has that she can't do.
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  • MrsEllMrsEll member
    Third Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2014

    Inkdancer said:
    MrsEll said:
    I would ask FI what he wants. If he thinks she should be in the wedding, then make her a junior bridesmaid. She won't have any responsibilities beyond showing up and wearing some version of what your other three are wearing. She could walk in ahead of everyone else by herself.
    Why a junior bridesmaid? At 16 there's no responsibility that any bridesmaid has that she can't do.
    At 16, I doubt she has a real job that affords her the ability to pay for a shower or go in on a gift for the bride. At 16, she definitely isn't old enough to participate in the bachelorette party (at least according to OP). Calling her a junior bridesmaid would set her apart a little. But there's no reason she couldn't be a full bridesmaid too, just with fewer expectations of her than of the adults in the party.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MrsEll said:

    Inkdancer said:
    MrsEll said:
    I would ask FI what he wants. If he thinks she should be in the wedding, then make her a junior bridesmaid. She won't have any responsibilities beyond showing up and wearing some version of what your other three are wearing. She could walk in ahead of everyone else by herself.
    Why a junior bridesmaid? At 16 there's no responsibility that any bridesmaid has that she can't do.
    At 16, I doubt she has a real job that affords her the ability to pay for a shower or go in on a gift for the bride. At 16, she definitely isn't old enough to participate in the bachelorette party (at least according to OP). Calling her a junior bridesmaid would set her apart a little. But there's no reason she couldn't be a full bridesmaid too, just with fewer expectations of her than of the adults in the party.
    None of these things are required of any bridesmaid. A bridesmaid's only responsibility is to show up to the wedding (and probably rehearsal) in the right dress. Calling her a junior bridesmaid may make her feel like she matters less than other bridesmaids, and she's old enough to notice the difference.
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  • MrsEllMrsEll member
    Third Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Inkdancer said:
    MrsEll said:

    Inkdancer said:
    MrsEll said:
    I would ask FI what he wants. If he thinks she should be in the wedding, then make her a junior bridesmaid. She won't have any responsibilities beyond showing up and wearing some version of what your other three are wearing. She could walk in ahead of everyone else by herself.
    Why a junior bridesmaid? At 16 there's no responsibility that any bridesmaid has that she can't do.
    At 16, I doubt she has a real job that affords her the ability to pay for a shower or go in on a gift for the bride. At 16, she definitely isn't old enough to participate in the bachelorette party (at least according to OP). Calling her a junior bridesmaid would set her apart a little. But there's no reason she couldn't be a full bridesmaid too, just with fewer expectations of her than of the adults in the party.
    None of these things are required of any bridesmaid. A bridesmaid's only responsibility is to show up to the wedding (and probably rehearsal) in the right dress. Calling her a junior bridesmaid may make her feel like she matters less than other bridesmaids, and she's old enough to notice the difference.
    Yeah. It was just a suggestion. I know I wouldn't have cared less about being in someone's wedding at 16, and I certainly wouldn't have cared what title I was given. Probably best for OP to ask her FI about this one since she's said she doesn't know the girl very well.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    One of my BMs will be 15 on our wedding day.  We are calling her a full BM.  She will not attend the drinking part of any bach, but I will include her in any age-appropriate activities.

    OP, it is absolutely not rude not to include her, and I think a corsage is a lovely idea.  Just consider your family dynamics and how Fi feels.  I have decided to add a BM because she is a very close cousin of Fi and he wants me to.  I know etiquette dictates I don't HAVE to do this, but it is important to him and his family, she is a very sweet girl, and I don't see the harm in adding her.  (This is a very traditional family and when I brought up the idea of her standing on Fi's side, there was pearl-clutching)
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • vt&dtvt&dt member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything more than buy the dress (in their budget), show up sober and on time for pictures, and stand during the ceremony.  

    Bachelorette parties, showers, and gifts for the bride are all optional.

    OP, if you don't feel close to her, you don't need to have her in the WP.  She can still be in pictures (a corsage is a great idea!).  But you shouldn't exclude her if you want her to make sides even.

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It is not rude to not include your FSIL as a bridesmaid.  It would be rude to not invite her to your wedding as a guest.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You do not have her as a BM.

    That said, DH has 2 younger siblings (15+ years younger than me, but adults).   Due to distance I didn't really know them.  It was important to my DH to have them in the wedding, so I made them BMs.   Sure they could have been on his side, but honestly I could not come up a good reason why I should exclude them from my side?   Our WP wasn't about sides.  It was who was important to BOTH of us and we opted to keep the women on one my side and guys on him.  My brother who DH didn't know was on his side.  We felt that if it was important to one of us to have a certain person it should be important to both of us.

    Now it should be noted that SIL are normal, drama free women.   Just like all the other BM's I had no expectations other than getting the dress and showing up on time.  Had 2 SILs been drama queens I doubt I would have had them.

    Again, do you have to have her?   Absolutely not.  But I don't see the harm either.   It could bring you closer to together and as years go by the age difference will go away.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm in the corsage/invite her to get ready with you camp.
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I did not ask my FSIL to be in my wedding. She is my age, but back when we were both 23, she had abruptly left home for about a year and we weren't even sure she'd bother to show up for the wedding. Plus, we weren't close. Once we knew for sure she was coming to the wedding, I did ask her to do one of the readings. 16 may be too young for that, but if you are having a ceremony with readings, it might be something to consider. 

     







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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My SIL got a corsage and performed a reading at our wedding.  She really liked the flowers.  Apparently there was some familial expectation that she would be a bridesmaid but honestly, I didn't know her that well.  A corsage is a very easy way to honor someone without forcing unnecessary "duties" on them like watching the guest book.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It is not rude to not have an FSIL as a bridesmaid.

    If your FI wants her in the wedding party, he can have her as a groomsmaid.  She can also do a reading.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Not rude not to ask her. I didn't have my now SIL in my WP, and she is only a year younger and I really like her. But she isn't who I would call to bury a body at 3am. She did do a lovely ready at our ceremony and got a corsage. You could do something similar. Have her perform a reading, give a blessing either during the ceremony or before dinner, have her light a candle during the ceremony. Or get her a corsage and have her be a guest.
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