Travel Time

sleepypanda5 · February 2014

I am recently engaged (January 31st) and this is also my first post on TK, so hello everyone! I have an etiquette question that I'm not sure how to address. FI and I want our ceremony at the church that he sings at in the city where we live and we have already reserved our date with the church. All good there. However, my parents, who are helping us pay for the wedding, are certain that they can get a good deal on a reception venue in the town that they live in and have gotten us a meeting with the owner of the venue to discuss prices. We are on a very strict and relatively small budget so a good deal is always welcome in my eyes, except in this case. Travel time between the ceremony and the reception venue that they want would be almost an hour. Many of our guests will already be driving or flying to get to our wedding. Is this an acceptable travel time?

MobKaz · February 2014

Typically I would say that is a bit of a drive, especially for OOT guests travelling and unfamiliar with the area. Where is the hotel in relation to the reception venue?

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

I do think an hour is a rather long drive, especially after travelling to get to the wedding. Have you considered going the old-fashioned route, and having your reception also at the church hall where your fiancé sings? Since he is known there, he may be able to get an equally good deal as at the venue your parents know. On the one hand, for a church-hall reception you usually need to contract a caterer separately which adds a degree of complication; but on the other hand the caterer would then be in the same city where you live which might make it simpler to work with her as you decide on your menu.

AddieCake · February 2014

Anything over 30 minutes is kind of pushing it.

sleepypanda5 · February 2014

That's another thing that I didn't even think of. There are a few hotel options that are quite close to the reception venue. So would guests prefer to have a hotel by the reception than the ceremony? I'm getting pretty stressed about this because we're meeting with the reception venue owner tomorrow and I feel like my parents have completely taken this out of my hands.

happywiggle · February 2014

I have to agree with PPs, especially when you have OOT guests who have to fly in.

doeydo · February 2014

An hour is too much driving time between the ceremony and reception location, IMO. 30 minutes estimated travel time seems fine, but I wouldn't really go any longer than that.

sleepypanda5 · February 2014

Thanks for all your suggestions, guys. This is a lot to think about. I guess I'll just have to take the reigns back from my parents and remind them that it's our day.

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

Hmmm. Are you able to have dessert with your mom, or go out for a drink tonight? You could probably talk to her about feeling overwhelmed: I am sure she does not want to do that to you. On the other hand, she may be thinking of herself as the hostess of the reception, especially if her "help" paying for the wedding equates to most of the reception cost (not counting things like rings, dress, bouquets, honeymoon, officiant and so on that are not part of the hostess's responsibilities.) And if she is thinking of herself as hostess, she may feel it's her job to make decisions about the reception venue. But if it's making you feel bad, she needs to know that so that you can readjust your expectations of one another and not damage your relationship over the course of wedding-planning -- and so that you can both enjoy the process.

sleepypanda5 · February 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

Hmmm. Are you able to have dessert with your mom, or go out for a drink tonight? You could probably talk to her about feeling overwhelmed: I am sure she does not want to do that to you. On the other hand, she may be thinking of herself as the hostess of the reception, especially if her "help" paying for the wedding equates to most of the reception cost (not counting things like rings, dress, bouquets, honeymoon, officiant and so on that are not part of the hostess's responsibilities.) And if she is thinking of herself as hostess, she may feel it's her job to make decisions about the reception venue. But if it's making you feel bad, she needs to know that so that you can readjust your expectations of one another and not damage your relationship over the course of wedding-planning -- and so that you can both enjoy the process.

I was just going to call her, actually. I think they do feel that they are hosting since they are helping us pay (we're more like splitting the cost between my parents and FI and I). They actually chose a photographer for us because again, they knew the photographer and got a good deal from him although he still costs more than what I originally budgeted out for a photographer. I just feel sometimes that they are moving this way too quickly and I know that they're only trying to help but we honestly really haven't talked a ton about what we want and how we'll split the cost, etc.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

I think an hour is a bit much. Fi's cousin is going to have about an hour drive time between ceremony and reception, and everyone is kind of "eh" about it. It's not the worst thing ever, but it's really not convenient.

As a guest, I'd rather have a hotel near the reception than the ceremony. The reception is the last event of the night and where I'd be heading back from, so I'd rather have the short drive at the end.

MobKaz · February 2014

sleepypanda5 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Hmmm. Are you able to have dessert with your mom, or go out for a drink tonight? You could probably talk to her about feeling overwhelmed: I am sure she does not want to do that to you. On the other hand, she may be thinking of herself as the hostess of the reception, especially if her "help" paying for the wedding equates to most of the reception cost (not counting things like rings, dress, bouquets, honeymoon, officiant and so on that are not part of the hostess's responsibilities.) And if she is thinking of herself as hostess, she may feel it's her job to make decisions about the reception venue. But if it's making you feel bad, she needs to know that so that you can readjust your expectations of one another and not damage your relationship over the course of wedding-planning -- and so that you can both enjoy the process.

I was just going to call her, actually. I think they do feel that they are hosting since they are helping us pay (we're more like splitting the cost between my parents and FI and I). They actually chose a photographer for us because again, they knew the photographer and got a good deal from him although he still costs more than what I originally budgeted out for a photographer. I just feel sometimes that they are moving this way too quickly and I know that they're only trying to help but we honestly really haven't talked a ton about what we want and how we'll split the cost, etc.

@sleepypanda, I am a MOB and MOG. We paid for the majority of the weddings for both our daughter and son.

It is great that your folks have offered to contribute to your wedding costs. However, you have literally been engaged 3 weeks. Your MOM has already selected your photographer and is pushing for you to sign on a venue. I strongly urge you to put the brakes on for a moment before you consider any venue, or move any further forward.

Have you created a guest list? Do you know for certain the number of guests you will invite? Have you built any "wiggle room" into the guest list for new/unexpected additions to the current list?

Have you and your FI had a chance to quietly and thoughtfully think about what you and he want on your wedding day? It sounds as if your mom is getting ahead of herself, as well as you and your FI. No venue is a bargain if it inconveniences guests with long travel times, or may not accommodate your guest list. I encourage you (and your mom) to slow down, start a long and careful list of the entire wedding from soup to nuts, and then proceed cautiously with your commitments.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

sleepypanda5 said:

I am recently engaged (January 31st) and this is also my first post on TK, so hello everyone! I have an etiquette question that I'm not sure how to address. FI and I want our ceremony at the church that he sings at in the city where we live and we have already reserved our date with the church. All good there. However, my parents, who are helping us pay for the wedding, are certain that they can get a good deal on a reception venue in the town that they live in and have gotten us a meeting with the owner of the venue to discuss prices. We are on a very strict and relatively small budget so a good deal is always welcome in my eyes, except in this case. Travel time between the ceremony and the reception venue that they want would be almost an hour. Many of our guests will already be driving or flying to get to our wedding. Is this an acceptable travel time?

I think this is a bit too long of a drive, especially if the guests' hotels are at a separate location from the reception.

Inkdancer · February 2014

I think you should have a discussion with your parents about putting a hold on any further wedding planning, for the moment. You deserve to have some time to just enjoy being engaged and dream about the kind of wedding you want, with no pressure to decide on anything yet.

You also need to let your parents know that it is not okay for them to make decisions about your wedding without your consent. It's very generous of them to pay and to want to help, so I certainly understand that this may be an awkward conversation. Just remind them that you want all part of the day to be cohesive, and that if you were spending their money without their consent, they probably wouldn't appreciate it either.

Good luck!

delujm0 · February 2014

If your ceremony and reception venues are far away from each other, and you will be having a lot of OOT guests, you really should pay for shuttles to get them from the hotel to the ceremony and then from the ceremony to the reception, and then back to the hotel to make it easier on them. However, this kind of thing would likely run you at least $1,000. Are you going to save more than $1,000 by having your reception so far away? If not, I'd seriously consider moving it closer.

Also, consider how much easier it will be for you and your FI to plan things if everything is closer to you rather than having to drive out to your parents' house every time you need to visit a vendor. Your mom is overexcited right now...she needs to settle down a bit before you really get into planning.

climbingsingle · February 2014

I agree with PPs. An hour drive is really too long. I'd try to keep it at 30 mins max.

MandyMost · February 2014

delujm0 said:

If your ceremony and reception venues are far away from each other, and you will be having a lot of OOT guests, you really should pay for shuttles to get them from the hotel to the ceremony and then from the ceremony to the reception, and then back to the hotel to make it easier on them. However, this kind of thing would likely run you at least $1,000. Are you going to save more than $1,000 by having your reception so far away? If not, I'd seriously consider moving it closer.

Also, consider how much easier it will be for you and your FI to plan things if everything is closer to you rather than having to drive out to your parents' house every time you need to visit a vendor. Your mom is overexcited right now...she needs to settle down a bit before you really get into planning.

This is what I was going to say as well. Just because something seems cheaper doesn't mean it actually is when you factor in all the other costs. Such as providing transportation for your guests in this case. Personally, I have traveled to a number of OOT weddings, and have never once rented a car. Either transportation has been provided, or I was able to work something out with a group of friends who were attending where one person at least might have a car. I expect to have to find my way to the hotel by myself, but generally expect to be able to get from the hotel wherever i need to go for the wedding events to have been considered by the hosts.

Edited to add that this is of course not the case for weddings in town. If I'm not staying at a hotel, I fully expect to have to drive myself wherever I need to go.

Jen4948 · February 2014

An hour does seem to be too long a drive, especially for OOT guests.

As far as your parents trying to control your wedding goes, I think you and your FI need to talk to them and stand firm that it's not okay for them to use their money to bulldoze you into doing what they want even if it doesn't work for the two of you. It may even be necessary for you to decline their money if they don't respect that.

melbenso · February 2014

I recently got an invitation to a wedding where the reception is about an hour's drive from the ceremony. When I received it, I was surprised by the distance between the two and remarked to FI that it was a long drive. I am technically an out of town guest for this wedding. (I don't live in the area it is in, but I did grow up there, so I am familiar with it.) We are still attending the ceremony and the reception, but I was a little put off by the drive between the two.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

Storytime:

My FMIL won a free rental for a room at a country club for the rehearsal dinner. Fantastic, you go mom, take the reigns. Except, the country club is one hour drive from the ceremony, and the drive will take place during rush hour, plus all of my bridesmaids are OOT guests without cars.

I know I am not supposed to be planning the rehearsal dinner, but when I heard of the inconvenience to all of us and my bridal party, I told FI to talk to his mom about these details. She agreed to change the location.

Hopefully you've chatted with your mom already! If you are visiting with the venue right now, at least make note of driving time and hotels on the way, ease of directions etc. Then you can come away from the meeting and say mom, our guests will be inconvenienced with this drive and no hotel nearby. I'd like to look for a closer venue before we make a decision.

ETA - clarity

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

I think you should take a step back from wedding planning and decide what you and FI want. Once you have an idea of what you want, you should really determine your budget. And I mean really outline all the details and figure out who is paying for what. In the end ti will make everything easier.

As for the travel time...an hour is too much. You have to remember that everyone is driving in to your wedding as it is. Then if your hotel is by the recepetion site (where I perfer to be) thats a total of TWO hours of drving. One hour from hotel to ceremony and one hour from ceremony to Reception. Add even more time if the hotel is in the other direction! Its something that not everyone thinks about but the drive time can really add up.

Havana2014 · February 2014

While of course I'd always prefer less travel time between the venues an hour wouldn't really bother me at all. In saying that weddings here are much longer so relatively speaking one hour out of a 12/14 hour day for guests doesn't seem as big a deal.

sleepypanda5 · February 2014

Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful advice and insights. We did visit the venue today and it is a gorgeous place but FI and I stressed the fact with my parents that we really need to think about everything and decide what we want and have a very frank discussion about budget matters. They took it a lot better than I expected and we've all agreed to step back for a while and take a breather. I want to do what's best for my guests because they are all such special people to me and FI and I want them to have a fantastic time at the wedding so I feel much better knowing that my parents will be okay with a closer reception rather than the one they chose.

SP29 · February 2014

Glad it went well. It's fine to look and check out your options, but be careful to make sure you and your FI are making the right decision before you sign for anything. You've definitely got some time to think about things!

I wouldn't do more than 30 mins driving distance between ceremony and reception, or either of the venues and the hotel.

A good idea to consider the church as your reception venue. My friend did this- reception in the church basement. I believed she used the tables and chairs from the church, but she brought in a caterer and her own decorations (which were simple, but nice).

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