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Plus ones?

armygirl930armygirl930 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Woes
My fiance and I are having a destination wedding at Disney World in January 2015. Because of it being a destination wedding, and Disney's prices we have decided to keep this as a small intimate family event. Also we are getting married at Shades of Green, so we don't want to be responsible for people we don't know, as we don't know how they will behave. We have already mentioned it to a few people, but it seems as if everyone expects that they will be able to bring some random guest neither me or my fiance have met. Some who are single even think that they will just find a date for the wedding. Is there a polite way to inform people that we really weren't planning on plus ones on the invites or rsvps? I really just don't see the point in paying for a bunch of random people that I don't even want there, because we have never met them.
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Re: Plus ones?

  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    Address the invitation to that person only, and if they RSVP for two, call them and explain that you're unable to accommodate uninvited guests.

    That said, if they are in a relationship (dating, engaged, married), their SO should be invited.


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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Who is asking for plus ones?  I mean, 'small, intimate family wedding' to me = parents, siblings, grandparents, and maybe my absolutely closest friends.  That would be about 20-25ish people at the most in my case 

    If it's just a few people, I'd address it with those individuals directly. 

    On the flipside, you are pretty much asking people to take a vacation for your wedding.  And after said wedding, if they want to stay and be on vacation, they may want someone to hang out with.  So is there any wiggle room for your single guests to bring someone? 
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  • armygirl930armygirl930 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    well what my fiance had been telling people is that if they are staying down in fl bring whoever they want, we just don't want random guest actually at the ceremony, but why do we care if they go to fl? None of them are in serious relationships besides my fiances sister who will be married at that time so ofc her spouse will be invited. His older brother has a gf who is very obnoxious and has a drinking problem. We will not be supplying alcohol at the wedding but their will still be alcohol on SOG property. We had a christmas party where she was asked not to drink and  she spent the entire party throwing up, screaming, and threatening my fiance. Also a few people sisters,brothers,cousins have said that they are pretty much looking for a random date to bring to the wedding, or want to bring guests that neither of us are familiar with.
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  • PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    mrs.conn23 said:

    On the flipside, you are pretty much asking people to take a vacation for your wedding.  And after said wedding, if they want to stay and be on vacation, they may want someone to hang out with.  So is there any wiggle room for your single guests to bring someone? 
    what Conn said. I'm likely going to skip out on a DW unless it's close family or friend, and I'm all the more likely to skip if i can't bring a date/friend.

    i flew back to my hometown to attend a good friend's wedding last year. due to cost, I chose to go alone ( husband and daughter stayed at home - so no round trip airfare x3, no boarding our dogs, no vacation days lost for my husband ). I asked my friend if she would mind if i brought a local friend or my sister in place of my husband, since I likely wouldn't know too many people besides the bride and groom. She had no issue with this since the guest list was about 95% family and co-workers, and I appreciated knowing one person in attendance beyond the B&G.

    You're not going to spend your entire wedding day (or even most of it) hanging out with with these friends, and a lot can happen in a year (the single ones could all have a SO before the wedding). I think it's kind-of a dick move to expect these people to spend big money to travel, take vacation time, etc.and then not allow them to bring a guest. 
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    Agree with the above.  You don't "have" to let single people bring a +1.  But if you're asking them to spend a considerable amount of money to travel to your wedding, I think it's common courtesy to let them bring a date if they want to.

     

    And if I learned that I flew all the way to FL for your wedding (and paid for a hotel and Disney park tickets, which are expensive) with a friend to accompany me, but then I had to attend your ceremony and reception alone while my friend had to amuse herself, I'd be annoyed.  I was just in a DW, and the B&G invited my (single) mother.  She brought a friend to split the travel costs.  Her friend was graciously included in all of the wedding activities.  It would have been weird otherwise - mom and her friend were hanging out with all of the other people who would be attending the wedding all day - can you imagine hanging out with a group of people for several days, and then having all of them BUT YOU go to the wedding that brought you all together?  That's pretty lame.

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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    This should answer all your questions!

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1011512/plus-ones-and-significant-others-a-guide#latest

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Since it is a destination wedding, I think it is mean to expect people to travel alone. The rule of thumb is if they are in a serious relationship, the SO gets invited. Husbands/wives and fiances are definitely invited as are people who live together or who have been together for more than a year. Beyond that- you can pick and chose who you invite. Just label your invitations accordingly and everyone would understand if they are invited, or if it is them and their SO. 
    image
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    SBmini said:
    Since it is a destination wedding, I think it is mean to expect people to travel alone. The rule of thumb is if they are in a serious relationship, the SO gets invited. Husbands/wives and fiances are definitely invited as are people who live together or who have been together for more than a year. Beyond that- you can pick and chose who you invite. Just label your invitations accordingly and everyone would understand if they are invited, or if it is them and their SO. 
    No. Anyone who considers themselves in a relationship should be invited with their SO. Time has nothing to do with it.


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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    SBmini said:

    Since it is a destination wedding, I think it is mean to expect people to travel alone. The rule of thumb is if they are in a serious relationship, the SO gets invited. Husbands/wives and fiances are definitely invited as are people who live together or who have been together for more than a year. Beyond that- you can pick and chose who you invite. Just label your invitations accordingly and everyone would understand if they are invited, or if it is them and their SO. 

    No. No no no no no.

    You are wrong. Please don't spread false information. All relationships, regardless of length, count as relationships in the eyes of invites. You don't get to pick and choose which friends bring SOs, nor does length of time make it serious.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • jojobrnjojobrn member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yeah, 3 months in, my DH and I knew we were getting married. I'd I had been invited to a destination wedding at that point without him, I'd have been grumpy about it.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    jojobrn said:
    Yeah, 3 months in, my DH and I knew we were getting married. I'd I had been invited to a destination wedding at that point without him, I'd have been grumpy about it.


    Same. We actually knew we were gonna get married a few weeks after we started dating, but we'd known each other for a year and a half, so that might be cheating.

    (Then he waited three years to propose because he loves trollin'.)


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  • PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    thejucheidea - I had to love your post for the siggy, alone. <3 Archer
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Since it is a destination wedding, I think it is mean to expect people to travel alone. The rule of thumb is if they are in a serious relationship, the SO gets invited. Husbands/wives and fiances are definitely invited as are people who live together or who have been together for more than a year. Beyond that- you can pick and chose who you invite. Just label your invitations accordingly and everyone would understand if they are invited, or if it is them and their SO. 
    No. No no no no no. You are wrong. Please don't spread false information. All relationships, regardless of length, count as relationships in the eyes of invites. You don't get to pick and choose which friends bring SOs, nor does length of time make it serious.
    I'm correct according to Emily Post and a half dozen other things that I read when I was making this call for my guests. If you want to disagree you can, but it's not something written on a rosetta-like stone that we can all go back and reference and say "yes, this is 100% what is correct" 
    image
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    SBmini said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Since it is a destination wedding, I think it is mean to expect people to travel alone. The rule of thumb is if they are in a serious relationship, the SO gets invited. Husbands/wives and fiances are definitely invited as are people who live together or who have been together for more than a year. Beyond that- you can pick and chose who you invite. Just label your invitations accordingly and everyone would understand if they are invited, or if it is them and their SO. 
    No. No no no no no. You are wrong. Please don't spread false information. All relationships, regardless of length, count as relationships in the eyes of invites. You don't get to pick and choose which friends bring SOs, nor does length of time make it serious.
    I'm correct according to Emily Post and a half dozen other things that I read when I was making this call for my guests. If you want to disagree you can, but it's not something written on a rosetta-like stone that we can all go back and reference and say "yes, this is 100% what is correct" 
    Emily Post is dead, and her descendants are running her name and her institute into the ground. No one with sense calls her an authority on etiquette anymore. 

    Plus-ones are a kindness for truly single guests. SOs are a must-invite, and you don't get to arbitrarily determine who is or isn't an SO -- if they publicly identify as being in a relationship, they're in one, and their SO gets invited BY NAME.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Minor note on the SOs here- OP implied the alcoholic gf of the brother had threatened OP and her FI. Isn't the one exception to the "SOs must be invited" rule when "SO threatens physical harm/threatens safety of bride/groom/guests/guests things, such as a purse"?

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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Chipmunk415 said:

    Minor note on the SOs here- OP implied the alcoholic gf of the brother had threatened OP and her FI. Isn't the one exception to the "SOs must be invited" rule when "SO threatens physical harm/threatens safety of bride/groom/guests/guests things, such as a purse"?

    Yes. Anyone who threatens anyone else doesn't get invited, even if they're an SO.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    You don't HAVE to invite the girl who threatened your FI, but keep in mind that this is his brother's girlfriend...and if she's not invited, it's possible that FI's brother will decline to attend.  If your FI willing to make that concession? 

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    SBmini said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Since it is a destination wedding, I think it is mean to expect people to travel alone. The rule of thumb is if they are in a serious relationship, the SO gets invited. Husbands/wives and fiances are definitely invited as are people who live together or who have been together for more than a year. Beyond that- you can pick and chose who you invite. Just label your invitations accordingly and everyone would understand if they are invited, or if it is them and their SO. 
    No. No no no no no. You are wrong. Please don't spread false information. All relationships, regardless of length, count as relationships in the eyes of invites. You don't get to pick and choose which friends bring SOs, nor does length of time make it serious.
    I'm correct according to Emily Post and a half dozen other things that I read when I was making this call for my guests. If you want to disagree you can, but it's not something written on a rosetta-like stone that we can all go back and reference and say "yes, this is 100% what is correct" 
    Emily Post is dead and her family, the Emily Post institute, are wedding industry sell outs that give really shitty etiquette advice now.

    I believe Miss Manner's actually addresses this issue, but I can't find the link that was posted on E atm. . .



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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