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Lurker needing to vent(Update in comments)

lightningsnowlightningsnow member
Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
edited March 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm a long time lurker and I need a space to vent about an etiquette faux pas my BF and I just received. My BF and I have been together for 4.5 years and we just moved in with each other. BF comes from a rather large family and some of his second cousins and such I have yet to meet. Yesterday we received an invitation to some sort of pre-wedding party for one of his cousins who I haven't met. His family knows that he has been in this long term relationship with me yet the invitation was addressed to BF's First Name Last Name and guest.

Since I've lurked on here for so long, I knew what a faux pas this was on their end. I figured, well they don't know me so maybe that's why they addressed it as such. So I brought it up to my BF when he got home last night. He says this is how his family addresses invitations to any couple that is not married. I explained to him how rude and disrespectful it was not to invite me by name. He doesn't understand why I would feel it to be disrespectful since they've never met me or done anything to be so to me.

I asked how she was able to get his new address and he said she most likely called his first cousin since they don't have his information. I'm still slightly baffled why his cousin didn't just give her my BF's number instead of asking my BF for his new address to relay along. I told my BF that I let it slide since they do not know me but I am still hurt by it. He accused me of thinking too much about what is said on these boards. *shrug* Just needed to vent about this to someone who understands why I'm thinking as such.
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Re: Lurker needing to vent(Update in comments)

  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hubby's tacky sister addressed her wedding invitation to us as "H's Full Name and Guest".  We'd been dating for a couple years at that point and saw each other often.  This was in 2010 and to this day it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth (along with her cash bar!).  It's great that you tried to explain to your bf why you were pissed off...sorry you had to experience that!
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    eileenrob said:
    Hubby's tacky sister addressed her wedding invitation to us as "H's Full Name and Guest".  We'd been dating for a couple years at that point and saw each other often.  This was in 2010 and to this day it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth (along with her cash bar!).  It's great that you tried to explain to your bf why you were pissed off...sorry you had to experience that!
    His brother and SIL also addressed their invitation to us for their wedding over a year ago the same, but I knew given how little his SIL likes me that was to be expected. I just don't understand how a culture where not showing up to every party thrown is seen as offensive but not listing someone's SO on an invitation is okay.
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    You have every right to be upset.  I'm sorry this happened to you!

    LURKERS- this is a perfect example of how people actually feel when you don't invite SOs/invite them by name!
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It was rude. But families do rude things sometimes and I wouldn't push the issue too much. It is his family and how they do it, so there is no sense in risking starting a fight with your BF bc his relative is an asshat. Some family dynamics suck and you just have to try not to take it personally (even though it is super personal).

    Just smugly think about how you would never be that rude to anyone and let it go :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
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    photokitty said:
    It was rude. But families do rude things sometimes and I wouldn't push the issue too much. It is his family and how they do it, so there is no sense in risking starting a fight with your BF bc his relative is an asshat. Some family dynamics suck and you just have to try not to take it personally (even though it is super personal).

    Just smugly think about how you would never be that rude to anyone and let it go :)
    Which is why I told him I'd let it slide. I also told him that this kind of shit will not happen when we get married. His family, as well as my family, are big on Jack and Jills. I said last night that we will not and if they insist on having one, no money is coming to us, it's going to charity.
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  • antotoantoto member
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    happymellow said:
    So, I appear to be in the minority.  Would I have addressed it like that?  No.  Was it kind of rude, yes.  But, I'll be honest.  I really don't see what the big deal is.  I would've just shrugged it off and been the best damn "and guest" in the history of "and guests."
    It was wrong of her to do this, and etiquette wise she is in the red.  But try not to take it to heart and just go and have a blast!
    image
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    happymellow said:
    So, I appear to be in the minority.  Would I have addressed it like that?  No.  Was it kind of rude, yes.  But, I'll be honest.  I really don't see what the big deal is.  I would've just shrugged it off and been the best damn "and guest" in the history of "and guests."
    As I explained to my BF last night, "and guest" means that you can literally take whoever you want to take with you. Does that mean my BF will not take me? No but when someone puts "and guest" on an invitation to a couple it can be hurtful to the person who was the "and guest".
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
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    antoto said:
    happymellow said:
    So, I appear to be in the minority.  Would I have addressed it like that?  No.  Was it kind of rude, yes.  But, I'll be honest.  I really don't see what the big deal is.  I would've just shrugged it off and been the best damn "and guest" in the history of "and guests."
    It was wrong of her to do this, and etiquette wise she is in the red.  But try not to take it to heart and just go and have a blast!
    I'm gonna have as much fun as I can while maintaining that this is family I haven't met and want to give a good impression. Tables were turned and it was my family, I'd be getting drunk but my family doesn't really care.
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  • BlergbotBlergbot member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I agree that you should let this one go, but it really does seem to me--especially given what your BF said--that they are passive aggressively showing their disapproval of your lifestyle (living together before marriage). There's not much you can do except suck it up and be the bigger person, but your feelings are valid.
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  • happymellowhappymellow member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    lightningsnow said:
    antoto said:
    happymellow said:
    So, I appear to be in the minority.  Would I have addressed it like that?  No.  Was it kind of rude, yes.  But, I'll be honest.  I really don't see what the big deal is.  I would've just shrugged it off and been the best damn "and guest" in the history of "and guests."
    It was wrong of her to do this, and etiquette wise she is in the red.  But try not to take it to heart and just go and have a blast!
    I'm gonna have as much fun as I can while maintaining that this is family I haven't met and want to give a good impression. Tables were turned and it was my family, I'd be getting drunk but my family doesn't really care.
    Yeah, this one is all on them, and I'm sorry you're hurt, but the best revenge is to do exactly what you said and just have fun and make a good impression.
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
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    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Depending on the age of the host, this is fairly common in many families still. It doesn't make it right but many an old-schooler truly believes they are doing the right thing by listing a (legally) single individual with a guest not naming the gf/bf. I don't care for it personally, as I'm not really interested in other people's relationship dynamics. If you have a companion, and I know their name, I'll certainly extend an invitation to both of you by name. But OP, don't let this cloud your judgement of these family members you haven't met yet. They may be some of the sweetest and polite people you'll ever meet in person. They most probably DID NOT mean to slight you and may have very well thought they were on the right side of etiquette. I know if I have a bad attitude about something or someone beforehand, I'm screwed because it will cloud my judgement and probably be written all over my face. Forget what was written on an envelope and go enjoy yourself! 
    You are absolutely right. My BF told me this is how it's been done with his family even when they lived in Portugal. It wasn't an intention thing like when his SIL did it so I can't stay pissed about it. I'm going to have fun and enjoy myself.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would probably make extra sure that when I met the bride, I'd tell her that I was so glad that now she knew my name for the invitation.  Or something like that, my brain can't make it sound right today. 
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    RebeccaB88 said:
    I would probably make extra sure that when I met the bride, I'd tell her that I was so glad that now she knew my name for the invitation.  Or something like that, my brain can't make it sound right today. 
    I totally get what you are saying. Luckily the bride is friends with me on Facebook so she does know my name. Her mother sent out the invites to this surprise party that we have no idea what exactly it is.
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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    RebeccaB88 said:
    I would probably make extra sure that when I met the bride, I'd tell her that I was so glad that now she knew my name for the invitation.  Or something like that, my brain can't make it sound right today. 
    Because the only way to combat poor manners is to also have poor manners.

    Oh wait...
    image
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    edited March 2014
    So I know this thread has been vacant almost a month but I wanted to update everyone about this party. So it's this Saturday and my BF found out from his first cousin that the party is a Jack and Jill for the couple. The couple wanted a small wedding and couldn't invite everyone so the party is to celebrate with them for their upcoming wedding.

    I wanted to scream. I was close to telling my BF that I no longer wanted to go since it's clear we were an after thought. I just can't understand that. Why the hell would you do something like this?
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  • zizibetzizibet member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Oh, for God's sake. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I'd get "sick".
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    GlitterWitch22 said:
    lightningsnow said:
    So I know this thread has been vacant almost a month but I wanted to update everyone about this party. So it's this Saturday and my BF found out from his first cousin that the party is a Jack and Jill for the couple. The couple wanted a small wedding and couldn't invite everyone so the party is to celebrate with them for their upcoming wedding.

    I wanted to scream. I was close to telling my BF that I no longer wanted to go since it's clear we were an after thought. I just can't understand that. Why the hell would you do something like this?
    Wait, so this is your "consolation prize"?! Are you invited to the actual wedding?!
    My BF doesn't believe so since his cousin was told that this Jack and Jill is being thrown because the couple wanted a small wedding. So I would say we aren't invited to the actual wedding. I'm refraining from telling my BF all that is wrong with this because it's pissing me off. He's just all, whatever whereas I am all this is bullshit.

    I just know this shit will not fly when we get married.
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    So let me get this straight, you and your man are not good enough to be properly invited to the wedding, bride can't even bother to put your name on the consolation prize and the consolation prize is an event where guests are supposed to buy a ticket and give money and gifts to the bride and groom, oh hell to the no! Decline! Decline decline!
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    Amyzen83 said:
    So let me get this straight, you and your man are not good enough to be properly invited to the wedding, bride can't even bother to put your name on the consolation prize and the consolation prize is an event where guests are supposed to buy a ticket and give money and gifts to the bride and groom, oh hell to the no! Decline! Decline decline!
    The bride's mother was the one who sent us the invite. The bride and groom have no clue this party is supposed to be happening, apparently. It's apparently a surprise. Unfortunately, we've already said we were going to go. Though I'm tempted to tell him if we have to pay to get in, he can drop me off at my brother and SIL's house and I'll drink and have a good time with them.
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  • lightningsnowlightningsnow member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    Wanted to update on the party as it was this past weekend.

    It wasn't technically a Jack and Jill in the usual sense. According to BF's cousin, this is how their Portuguese family does Jack and Jills. No money paid at the door, no money paid for ridiculous raffles. Only money that was paid was for alcoholic drinks(not even going to touch that topic since we all know how bad it is.) There was great food, good music and we had a good time.

    I still don't completely understand the whole not inviting everyone to the wedding, but I do understand why the couple wants to have a small wedding. It was nice to spend time with members of BF's family I hadn't met or who I had met for the first time at his father's funeral. The cousin who was getting married was so taken by surprise by the party but we enjoyed it.
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