FI etiquette vent

smalfrie19 · February 2014

Why can he not understand that even if he isn't offended by rude behavior ITS STILL RUDE?!

Example: he's not offended by cash bars or asking for cash...but says he's not offended so it's not rude.

I'm irrationally irritated by his stance...MEN!

CMGragain · February 2014

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

speedyblazer11 · February 2014

Mine is the same way. If it doesn't bother him, he can't seem to understand why it would bother anyone else. The only thing I have to say I was proud about was that he heard my dad talking about how we should just have people stand for our 15 minute ceremony (ugh) and FI shut that down right away. The only way I can ever get FI to see it the way I see it is to explain it in "man terms". Usual has something to do with cars or sports

good luck

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

A lot of people are like this (for example: many of the SSs here). Most come around once they see that no one else is validating their position, and have thoughtful, sensible reasons for disagreeing.

If there's a particular issue (ie: cash bars) that he's quite stuck on, I would do a little Googling and pull up a few reputable sources (read: not random blogs) that disagree with them and explain why it's rude. I would also show him some of the responses on this board that explain why people are opposed to both hosting and attending a wedding where there is a cash bar.

Personally, I know that my FI tends to listen to other people more than he listens to me about some things. It's even something we joke about now, because he's realising that once he hears it from a source that isn't as close to him, he lends the idea more merit than if he just hears it from me (because it sounds like a biased opinion), and that's something he's actively working to change. Your FI may be the same way.

melbenso · February 2014

I feel your pain. It took me forever to convince my FI that we should not register on one of those honeymoon funding sites. He didn't care at all about my continued protests that it was rude and tacky to ask for money that way. A couple of our friends have done it, so it must be ok. My assurances that if we had a small registry to upgrade some things, but nothing else, most guests would assume that cash was a perfectly fine gift didn't have any impact. It took me saying that those honeymoon registry sites keep a percentage of the money given and I didn't want our guests being ripped off to convince him that we should not register with one.

Most everything else etiquette wise he's been on board with, though.

KeepMovingOn · February 2014

CMGragain said:

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

I find this hilarious. My FI is an engineer and is the same way. Something about those engineers!

MrsAitch · February 2014

My fiance is like this too. It did help a bit when he talked to some of his friends about things I was insisting on (I was not letting him hand deliver invitations to a couple of people and "made" him get their addresses--I told him I would need addresses for thank you notes anyway so there was no getting out of it). He found out all of their wives had said the same things when they were engaged and none of them understood why either so they had a bonding moment. And I told them to just let me do things properly because even if his friends don't care, their wives will. Maybe he can talk to friends who are married about this and he'll find that it's not just you being silly.

RedJacks25 · February 2014

I have been soooo fortunate with FI. At first, when I started talking about etiquette and wanting to make sure we weren't doing anything rude, he would make comments about "It's our day, what does it matter?" After a few conversations with him about WHY it matters, he now knows and understands that I have the knowledge in this area (thanks to TK!!) and he will defer to me. If I say it's rude, he accepts it even if he doesn't understand it.

APDSS22 · February 2014

KeepMovingOn said:

CMGragain said:

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

I find this hilarious. My FI is an engineer and is the same way. Something about those engineers!

Engineers do like to fiddle with things and understand them. (H is also an engineer.)

banana468 · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

KeepMovingOn said:

CMGragain said:

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

I find this hilarious. My FI is an engineer and is the same way. Something about those engineers!

Engineers do like to fiddle with things and understand them. (H is also an engineer.)

DH is an engineer too. There was no issue discussing etiquette with him though. We were always on the same page.

Plus, his dual degree in mechanical AND metallurgy and materials engineering meant platinum rings over white gold.

HeatherKat · February 2014

I'm with you on the FI just not getting some etiquette things, especially if its the way he's grown up.

My FI just can't get through his head why "traditional" head tables are rude (he's never, ever been to a wedding with a sweetheart table/SO's at the head table) and we're currently butting heads over the bar situation. 99% of weddings we've attended/I've worked as a bartender for have a partially hosted bar (beer and wine and soda hosted by the couple, if you want something different feel free to pay for it yourself). I've tried everything I can think of to get him around to etiquette's side, but when both MOB and MOG, GMOG, all of our mutual friends, and our venue coordinator are backing up his side it's getting harder to stand my ground. How do I convince him?

phira · February 2014

What I like to do is say, "Well, it would offend me. So based on that, let's assume it'll offend 50% of our guests. Let's not do it." And then ignore him forever.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

@HeatherKat my FI was on the same page as yours regarding a head table. It took me conveying how I felt to be by myself at his brother's and SIL's wedding, sitting with a bunch of much older people. Find the one person in your party that doesn't know everyone else, and say... what would his/ her date think, when they have to sit with much older third tier relatives? If I am not close to someone and don't know a lot of people at a wedding and FI is up at the head table, I just politely decline the invitation, and let FI go by himself. (If you can't sit with him for the evening... what's the point)

kmmssg · February 2014

banana468 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

KeepMovingOn said:

CMGragain said:

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

I find this hilarious. My FI is an engineer and is the same way. Something about those engineers!

Engineers do like to fiddle with things and understand them. (H is also an engineer.)

DH is an engineer too. There was no issue discussing etiquette with him though. We were always on the same page.

Plus, his dual degree in mechanical AND metallurgy and materials engineering meant platinum rings over white gold.

I did not realize your DH was also an engineer. Mine also possesses a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor. He finds that very useful when he is, once again, telling me the vessel I have chosen to hold something (i.e. Leftovers) is the wrong size for the application. Both of his sisters, their husbands, and his youngest brother are engineers, as well as one nephew, and 2 who will get their degrees this Spring.

Family day's are a real hoot......

happywiggle · February 2014

KeepMovingOn said:

CMGragain said:

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

I find this hilarious. My FI is an engineer and is the same way. Something about those engineers!

Another with a FI who's an engineer and the same way! (For the record, I'm also an engineer though..)

doeydo · February 2014

I try to explain that certain things are rude, ie. inviting some guests to the ceremony only and others to the reception too, and he can't understand why I think it is so rude. He's like "But John and Jane did it at their wedding, And that wedding my mom went to last month, they did it". Yes. They did it, and they were rude.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I not infrequently tell DH, 'And just because they did it, it doesn't make it not rude.' People sell drugs; it's still illegal. Just because they do it doesn't mean it's not illegal. People can have cash bars and gaps and split invitations (DH and guest, HisGirl and guest), head tables w/o SOs, etc. Doesn't make it not rude.

Kauris · February 2014

CMGragain said:

Some men (like my DH) need to see things in writing before they believe them Show him an etiquette book where this is explained. Is he, by any chance, an engineer?

Engineer fiancee too! But my uncles and father are also engineers, so I knew what I was getting into!

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