NWR-Baby Shower Etiquette Rant

raeah219 · February 2014

I know I could take this post over the The Bump but I like you guys more....lol...So I got an invitation to a baby shower and at the bottom it said "gift cards are appreciated" I thought that was so rude. Any gift I give should be "appreciated" I have a one year old so I know the feeling of preferring cash or gift cards so you can but what you want, but I would never think of being that blatant about it. I just thought it was so tacky. I was planning to get a gift card because that's what I usually do, but that comment makes me want to get her something that I know she wont use, like a wipe or bottle warmer lol. j/k (kind of)

emmaaa · February 2014

Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.

kmmssg · February 2014

mrsgriffin72 said:
Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.

I would not act all ugly about it like that. The host filled out the invitation so you don't know if the mother to be said she only wants GCs or if someone took a comment and ran with it. Yes, you should act appropriately as a host or guest of honor, but an etiquette slight doesn't give a guest the green light to get all snarky about using the gift to show them a lesson.

OP, I also would not appreciate the comment on the invitation but after my years here I also know that people make etiquette gafs because they don't know something is perceived as rude, rather than just deciding to be intentionally rude. LOTS of people don't know proper etiquette. If you do, act accordingly and give from the heart, not out of snarkiness.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

Wait, what? Ew.

I would definitely give a physical gift rather than cash/card. Personally, I prefer giving gifts because I find them to be more personal and thoughtful.

I once was invited to a shower in which the mother-to-be registered at three different stores, with at least 30 items on each registry -- many of which were exorbitantly priced, and some things were not baby-related at all (a vacuum? Really?).

I opted to forgo purchasing from her registry because it felt like a gift grab for herself rather than things she actually needed (there were no bottles listed, receiving blankets, or anything she would actually NEED). I did not buy her something ridiculous, but went out of my way to put together a gift basket of a lot of things I knew she didn't already have but would certainly want and need when the baby came. While the intent was likely lost on her, I like to think that maybe some part of her realised when she opened it that she should have asked for a lot of the things in that basket.

emmaaa · February 2014

kmmssg said:

Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.
I would not act all ugly about it like that. The host filled out the invitation so you don't know if the mother to be said she only wants GCs or if someone took a comment and ran with it. Yes, you should act appropriately as a host or guest of honor, but an etiquette slight doesn't give a guest the green light to get all snarky about using the gift to show them a lesson.

OP, I also would not appreciate the comment on the invitation but after my years here I also know that people make etiquette gafs because they don't know something is perceived as rude, rather than just deciding to be intentionally rude. LOTS of people don't know proper etiquette. If you do, act accordingly and give from the heart, not out of snarkiness.

It's not being ugly when I would still buy a gift. Especially since a gift is never required. I didn't say I would get her something she wouldn't use, just something commercial (if she didn't have a registry), meaning generic.

grumbledore · February 2014

kmmssg said:

Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.
I would not act all ugly about it like that. The host filled out the invitation so you don't know if the mother to be said she only wants GCs or if someone took a comment and ran with it. Yes, you should act appropriately as a host or guest of honor, but an etiquette slight doesn't give a guest the green light to get all snarky about using the gift to show them a lesson. OP, I also would not appreciate the comment on the invitation but after my years here I also know that people make etiquette gafs because they don't know something is perceived as rude, rather than just deciding to be intentionally rude. LOTS of people don't know proper etiquette. If you do, act accordingly and give from the heart, not out of snarkiness.

Disagree - I always give a physical gift when people ask for money. However, I also always give something useful at a baby shower, so I'd go diapers (still in the original packages so they can be returned or exchanged if necessary) and a small clothing item or blanket.

raeah219 · February 2014

The girl is my friend so I'm going to get her a good gift, I was j/k about getting her something useless as a punishment for being rude. Honestly I probably will tease her about her rudeness a little bit. lol

APDSS22 · February 2014

So you're going to go to a baby shower where the mom-to-be will open a bunch of envelopes containing gift cards? How boring. Personally, I prefer to give physical gifts so I'd probably go in that direction anyway. And include a gift receipt. If she doesn't like the gift, at least that way she can easily return it for store credit and use it in whatever way she sees fit.

climbingsingle · February 2014

Tacky!

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

Depending on how close I was with the mom-to-be, I would probably call and say "Your invite said that gift cards are appreciated. Will anything else be appreciated too, or should I not waste my time getting you a gift?" I'd just love to hear the response to that.

Then again, I'm a big fan of putting people on the spot in most situations and making them take responsibility for their actions/words. There's such a sense of entitlement these days, it overpowers most people's sense of accountability and that shit doesn't fly with me.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I wouldn't assume the mother to be was being rude but whoever throwing her the baby shower was. My mom and I threw a baby shower for my cousin's girlfriend when she was pregnant. You know how much input she had on what we out on the invites? None. I prefer to give gift cards myself, mainly because I really hate to shop and it is easier to pick up a gift card.

thisismynickname2 · February 2014

I likewise agree that often people don't realize when they're being tacky. I would bet you that the host(ess) perhaps thought that if there were out of town guests who couldn't come, that they could send a gift card if they wanted rather than pay to ship something, for example.

While we're at this, can we share other gaffes? It's so fun! I attended a baby shower, and after the shower, like several weeks later, the mommy-to-be posted on Facebook that they were opening a baby pool. Ten dollars bought you a guess at the date the baby would be born, with half the proceeds going to the winner and half going to a college fund for the baby. Only one person responded with a comment on the post that he would buy in. I always wonder if anyone else did, as she never announced a winner! Geez!! Other people I know did baby pools either completely free, for fun, or made them part of the shower activities with maybe like a dollar buy-in. This was the chick whose baby website said, "We're just learning how much babies cost so if you want, we'd recommend going in with a few friends to buy some of the more expensive items on the registry." [The baby was unplanned and they were unmarried at the time.] UGH.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

I don't get the whole "get her a shitty gift" or "call the mom-to-be out for her rudeness." As with bridal showers typically the Mom-to-be has little to zero say in what goes into her shower. So to take your irritation at some dumb/rude remark out on her is a bit ridiculous.

Was what written rude? Sure. But to get bent out of shape about it and then not buy what you most likely were originally going to buy or downgrade your gift is a bit much IMO.

So roll your eyes at the rudeness and just move on.

photokitty · February 2014

If the mom to be didn't register, I would fault her and assume she was behind the rude request.

Otherwise I would just go buy her something off the registry and assume the hostess is tacky and ill-informed on proper etiquette.

I don't give gift cards as I find them impersonal, I only give them as a last resort…like DH's teenage nephew bc he's impossible to buy for - otherwise your will always get a boxed gift from me.

dolewhipper · February 2014

mrsgriffin72 said:

kmmssg said:

Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.
I would not act all ugly about it like that. The host filled out the invitation so you don't know if the mother to be said she only wants GCs or if someone took a comment and ran with it. Yes, you should act appropriately as a host or guest of honor, but an etiquette slight doesn't give a guest the green light to get all snarky about using the gift to show them a lesson.

OP, I also would not appreciate the comment on the invitation but after my years here I also know that people make etiquette gafs because they don't know something is perceived as rude, rather than just deciding to be intentionally rude. LOTS of people don't know proper etiquette. If you do, act accordingly and give from the heart, not out of snarkiness.

It's not being ugly when I would still buy a gift. Especially since a gift is never required. I didn't say I would get her something she wouldn't use, just something commercial (if she didn't have a registry), meaning generic.

While I agree, I actually have a question: I thought it was proper etiquette to take a gift to a shower since you are essentially "showering" the mom to be with gifts?

Maggie0829 · February 2014

shannonmaya said:

mrsgriffin72 said:

kmmssg said:

Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.
I would not act all ugly about it like that. The host filled out the invitation so you don't know if the mother to be said she only wants GCs or if someone took a comment and ran with it. Yes, you should act appropriately as a host or guest of honor, but an etiquette slight doesn't give a guest the green light to get all snarky about using the gift to show them a lesson.

OP, I also would not appreciate the comment on the invitation but after my years here I also know that people make etiquette gafs because they don't know something is perceived as rude, rather than just deciding to be intentionally rude. LOTS of people don't know proper etiquette. If you do, act accordingly and give from the heart, not out of snarkiness.

It's not being ugly when I would still buy a gift. Especially since a gift is never required. I didn't say I would get her something she wouldn't use, just something commercial (if she didn't have a registry), meaning generic.

While I agree, I actually have a question: I thought it was proper etiquette to take a gift to a shower since you are essentially "showering" the mom to be with gifts?

You are correct. The entire point of a shower is to give a gift which is why a shower should never be thrown by the person of honor.

banana468 · February 2014

I don't get the logic in punishing the mom to be unless she's also breaking etiquette by hosting her own shower.

Because really, the baby is who suffers and I'm just not down with doing rude things when the innocent kid didn't ask for it.

MGP · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I don't get the whole "get her a shitty gift" or "call the mom-to-be out for her rudeness." As with bridal showers typically the Mom-to-be has little to zero say in what goes into her shower. So to take your irritation at some dumb/rude remark out on her is a bit ridiculous.

Was what written rude? Sure. But to get bent out of shape about it and then not buy what you most likely were originally going to buy or downgrade your gift is a bit much IMO.

So roll your eyes at the rudeness and just move on.

Agreed. If you are not 100% sure that the mom to be made the gift card request don't waste too much time and energy on it now. However - if you get her a boxed gift and she complains then I see no problem in telling her that her actions are rude.

Unfortunately when you accept an offer for a shower (because you NEVER host one for yourself - right ladies?) you also run the risk of your hosts making faux pas that guests can perceive as your decisions. My baby shower hosts did the dreaded "address your own thank you card" which is about the most ironic thing ever considering I am known for being the most diligent thank you note sender in our group. I had no idea it was coming and didn't want to put anyone on the spot, so just readdressed the envelopes in my own handwriting when I sent them. Figured it got my point across.

emmaaa · February 2014

It's not being ugly when I would still buy a gift. Especially since a gift is never required. I didn't say I would get her something she wouldn't use, just something commercial (if she didn't have a registry), meaning generic.

While I agree, I actually have a question: I thought it was proper etiquette to take a gift to a shower since you are essentially "showering" the mom to be with gifts?

That is the point, you're correct. But a gift should never be expected. That is all I was trying to say. Probably should have worded better to begin with.

short+sassy · February 2014

thisismynickname said:

I likewise agree that often people don't realize when they're being tacky. I would bet you that the host(ess) perhaps thought that if there were out of town guests who couldn't come, that they could send a gift card if they wanted rather than pay to ship something, for example.

While we're at this, can we share other gaffes? It's so fun! I attended a baby shower, and after the shower, like several weeks later, the mommy-to-be posted on Facebook that they were opening a baby pool. Ten dollars bought you a guess at the date the baby would be born, with half the proceeds going to the winner and half going to a college fund for the baby. Only one person responded with a comment on the post that he would buy in. I always wonder if anyone else did, as she never announced a winner! Geez!! Other people I know did baby pools either completely free, for fun, or made them part of the shower activities with maybe like a dollar buy-in. This was the chick whose baby website said, "We're just learning how much babies cost so if you want, we'd recommend going in with a few friends to buy some of the more expensive items on the registry." [The baby was unplanned and they were unmarried at the time.] UGH.

I belonged to a close knit message board a number of years ago of about 20 regular members. Every time someone was pregnant, The woman who ran the board would advertise a raffle like that. But a big difference there is it's not the expectant mother herself who advertised the raffles. They were really popular.

photokitty · February 2014

short+sassy said:

thisismynickname said:

I likewise agree that often people don't realize when they're being tacky. I would bet you that the host(ess) perhaps thought that if there were out of town guests who couldn't come, that they could send a gift card if they wanted rather than pay to ship something, for example.

While we're at this, can we share other gaffes? It's so fun! I attended a baby shower, and after the shower, like several weeks later, the mommy-to-be posted on Facebook that they were opening a baby pool. Ten dollars bought you a guess at the date the baby would be born, with half the proceeds going to the winner and half going to a college fund for the baby. Only one person responded with a comment on the post that he would buy in. I always wonder if anyone else did, as she never announced a winner! Geez!! Other people I know did baby pools either completely free, for fun, or made them part of the shower activities with maybe like a dollar buy-in. This was the chick whose baby website said, "We're just learning how much babies cost so if you want, we'd recommend going in with a few friends to buy some of the more expensive items on the registry." [The baby was unplanned and they were unmarried at the time.] UGH.
I belonged to a close knit message board a number of years ago of about 20 regular members. Every time someone was pregnant, The woman who ran the board would advertise a raffle like that. But a big difference there is it's not the expectant mother herself who advertised the raffles. They were really popular.

I agree, if others are organizing it I don't see it as tacky. But if the parents are collecting the money and selling the tickets I think it is along the same lines as a Jack & Jill! My sister's office has a baby pool whenever anyone gets pregnant for fun and to amuse themselves.

blabla89 · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

shannonmaya said:

mrsgriffin72 said:

kmmssg said:

Gross! I'm in the same boat as you, buy her something that is very commercial. I wouldn't give a gift card or cash when it is specifically asked for.
I would not act all ugly about it like that. The host filled out the invitation so you don't know if the mother to be said she only wants GCs or if someone took a comment and ran with it. Yes, you should act appropriately as a host or guest of honor, but an etiquette slight doesn't give a guest the green light to get all snarky about using the gift to show them a lesson.

OP, I also would not appreciate the comment on the invitation but after my years here I also know that people make etiquette gafs because they don't know something is perceived as rude, rather than just deciding to be intentionally rude. LOTS of people don't know proper etiquette. If you do, act accordingly and give from the heart, not out of snarkiness.

It's not being ugly when I would still buy a gift. Especially since a gift is never required. I didn't say I would get her something she wouldn't use, just something commercial (if she didn't have a registry), meaning generic.

While I agree, I actually have a question: I thought it was proper etiquette to take a gift to a shower since you are essentially "showering" the mom to be with gifts?

You are correct. The entire point of a shower is to give a gift which is why a shower should never be thrown by the person of honor.

This is also why it seems ridiculous to ask for gift cards, since showers usually involve opening gifts.

jessicabessica · February 2014

The problem is with the shower hostess, not the mom-to-be. I think that "are appreciated" part bothers me the most.

I do typically like giving gift cards as baby gifts, though, along with a little present (usually a board book). I like buying cute/fun stuff, not practical stuff, so I limit how much I spend on the cute/fun item and give a GC so the parents-to-be can get something that's left on their registry or stuff they realize they need later.

chamrick84 · February 2014

I was considering making a post very similar to this one myself today, but since someone else did I'll just add my rant to it. The first thing that got to me was a friend of mine, who is the mother to be, is throwing her own baby shower and did a group invite through facebook about a week ago. Yesterday, she posted a status wanting to know who all was going to attend. I understand wanting an RSVP but what bothered me about this is a few people posted that they were unable to attend due to work, prior engagenents, etc but they had a gift they wanted to send and she got mad and hateful telling them "not to bother". Then today, what stole the cake, was another update detailing a diaper raffle for a door prize, which sounds like a really cool idea. (Your name gets entered for the door prize once for every pack of diapers.) However, after explaing the raffle rules, she proceeds to say "the diapers are not considered the gift so please bring a seperate gift". LOL really? Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend this shower.

kmmssg · February 2014

chamrick84 said:

I was considering making a post very similar to this one myself today, but since someone else did I'll just add my rant to it. The first thing that got to me was a friend of mine, who is the mother to be, is throwing her own baby shower and did a group invite through facebook about a week ago. Yesterday, she posted a status wanting to know who all was going to attend. I understand wanting an RSVP but what bothered me about this is a few people posted that they were unable to attend due to work, prior engagenents, etc but they had a gift they wanted to send and she got mad and hateful telling them "not to bother". Then today, what stole the cake, was another update detailing a diaper raffle for a door prize, which sounds like a really cool idea. (Your name gets entered for the door prize once for every pack of diapers.) However, after explaing the raffle rules, she proceeds to say "the diapers are not considered the gift so please bring a seperate gift". LOL really? Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend this shower.

Whoamygoodness! I am betting she is going to have a teeny tiny shower at this point. If you attend please give us a follow up on how it went. I am pretty sure I would end up with strep throat that morning.

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