To invite or not to invite future siblings in law?

abaron3 · February 2014

Advice needed here:

My fiancé's identical twin is getting married 7 months before we are (this June). I have only met the twin's fiancee in person once, but know I'll be seeing a lot of her in the coming years. As I am inviting the fiancé's younger sister to be my bridesmaid, am I obligated to invite his twin's fiancee to be one as well?

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

abaron3 said:
Advice needed here:
My fiancé's identical twin is getting married 7 months before we are (this June). I have only met the twin's fiancee in person once, but know I'll be seeing a lot of her in the coming years. As I am inviting the fiancé's younger sister to be my bridesmaid, am I obligated to invite his twin's fiancee to be one as well?

Technically, no. You pick your WP based on who you're closest to.

However, if you think it would cause family drama not to invite her, that's something to consider.

doeydo · February 2014

No, I would never ask anyone to be in my bridal party who I wasn't really close to and not asking out of 'obligation'. You have to invite her to the wedding if you are inviting her SO/your fiance's brother, though.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

You get to decide your own WP. You don't have to include her in your WP unless you want to.

sarahufl · February 2014

Yeah, I wouldn't. My sister didn't ask our FSIL at the time she got married. Now that my brother has been married 4 years and I have gotten closer to my SIL, I will be asking her. But not out of obligation, because I want her in the WP.

AddieCake · February 2014

You barely know this woman. No, you do not need to include her in your WP.

abaron3 · February 2014

I think the concern came because his younger sister (whom I know better) will be a bridesmaid the fiance's twin will be his best man. I want to create peace with my future siblings in law, but I don't know the woman very well and our experiences together were not necessarily the most positive? She has indicated an entitled feeling that she will automatically be incuded in the WP as she will be officially married and in the family before my wedding occurs.

That doesn't sound like good enough reason to feel obligated to include someone though, right?

AddieCake · February 2014

No, it does not. You are not obligated to include a person you barely know in your WP. And she is wrong to assume she should be. Are you a bridesmaid in HER wedding?

abaron3 · February 2014

I am not. I was until she decided that she was upset that her "spotlight" was being stolen when my FI proposed and uninvited me...?

But thanks. You're probably right. I'm just trying not to step on any toes, even if it is "our day."

sarahufl · February 2014

abaron3 said:

I am not. I was until she decided that she was upset that her "spotlight" was being stolen when my FI proposed and uninvited me...?
But thanks. You're probably right. I'm just trying not to step on any toes, even if it is "our day."

This should be a sufficient answer to your question.

abaron3 · February 2014

I should have realized that from the get go. Thanks for the input though, folks

AddieCake · February 2014

So she kicked you out of her wedding party? Yeah, fuck her.

abaron3 · February 2014

@AddieL73 Yeah, it happened within 10 minutes after the proposal. She apparently was "upset and dismayed that my FI didn't give her and her wedding the 'respect it deserved' by proposing before [she] had gotten married." Since we'd been doing distance for over two years and hadn't seen one another in 3 months, he'd been planning it for a while (and didn't make the twin's fiancee the center of his plans). She felt the need to take out her anger on someone and immediately took me off her bridal party list. Still, what a way to celebrate, huh?

singinchick13 · February 2014

That is completely awful. She does not need to be anywhere near your WP especially after she has treated you this way. How does FI's family feel about her actions? Are you still invited to her wedding or are engaged people off the guest list too?

AddieCake · February 2014

Wow. I am really sorry you have to look forward to this peach in your life!

abaron3 · February 2014

Family is family though, right?

I'm still invited to the wedding, but it's going to be a little awkward when all of the other close family members (with my FI being the best man) will be in the wedding party.

sarahufl · February 2014

Wow, she sounds like a gem. I have a friend who got very upset that her brother proposed to his GF before she and her FI had their wedding and it never ceases to amaze me that people are so obsessed with thunder-stealing.

IMO, she doesn't sound like a friend, or someone who is easily satisfied. You are better off leaving her out, but be prepared for some backlash.

abaron3 · February 2014

@sarahufl that's almost exactly the same scenario. It's the backlash that I'm dreading though.

sarahufl · February 2014

@sarahufl that's almost exactly the same scenario. It's the backlash that I'm dreading though.

*STUCK*
FTR, I think you are 100% in the right here. The difference with my friend is that she was upset about it and talked to her brother. Her brother basically said, I'm sorry but it is what it is. She stewed for a hot minute and got over it. His FI was in her bridal party and all was well. I think she was still a little annoyed by it, but wasn't going to throw a hissy fit.

I don't think asking her to be in the BP will solve anything, nor do I think you should ask. I do, however, think that this is not going to go over well with her.

What does your FI think?

abaron3 · February 2014

@sarahhufl In this case, more than a month has passed since the incident and it isn't changing...

I think you're right about it not going over well though. The last catch: she and her FI would be staying in our house... with us..

I know she sounds awful... but I don't think there's another way out. What do you tell her? "Hang out here while we do WP-related stuff? I know you're not familiar with the state but here's a map?"

Love_Cam · February 2014

Make her an "honorary bridesmaid"

abaron3 · February 2014

@Love_Cam I had thought about that! But she has twelve "honorary bridesmaids" in her wedding party. I'm not sure if it'd come across as insulting or complimentary.

AddieCake · February 2014

No, I do not believe "family is family." Just ask the ones I cut out of my life because they were toxic to my life. How could there be backlash? She kicked you out. ANYONE who gives you grief for not including her is an asshole.

Love_Cam · February 2014

Perfect! She'll never know! AND she'll feel even more special since she'll be the only one in yours. Win win.

abaron3 · February 2014

@AddieL73 I just know I'm never going to be rid of this person. My FI and his twin are two peas in a pod and are still best friends. With how often they get together, I can't just go missing for every family reunion, holiday and extended weekend. Don't you think that attempting to create a sense of peace (especially with how she acted previously) will only show the disparity between how the situations were handled? And perhaps lead to better relations in the future?

I agree with the "asshole" comment though. I was told to my face that because I am leftward leaning, politically, that I must actively support the killing of babies, am promiscuous, and should never think of raising a family. This was right after we announced our engagement....

On one hand, I'd feel inclined to cast them out of my life forever... but that isn't an option.

singinchick13 · February 2014

I get where you're coming from, but think of it the other way.....If you include her in your WP she will probably be a 'maidzilla' and turn your wedding plans into being all about her, because, you had the nerve to get engaged before her wedding so, she deserves to feel *special* too. It is very nice of you to try and include her and keep the peace, but it sounds like this will just come back and bite you. It would really be a shame if she made things difficult for you just because you gave her the honour of being in the wedding party.

AddieCake · February 2014

I understand what you're saying. However, you don't have to be missing from the family get-togethers just because you don't ask her to be in the WP. Why does she get to treat you like shit and then get rewarded for it? If you feel like it's too much pressure not to include her, then by all means do so. I just want you to know that just b/c you're related to someone, by blood or by marriage, does not mean you have to be anything more than cordial to them in public. I don't want you feeling forced into having someone in your WP who treats you poorly. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

sarahufl · February 2014

I am a twin and I must say that it takes a special someone to be able to manage the twin relationship. My sister and I are incredibly close and her husband does an amazing job managing our relationship.

But here is the thing, he and I are friends (and now family) and I treat him with respect, always have and always will. There is a zero percent chance I would talk to him like this woman has been talking to you.

abbyj700 · February 2014

Ugh -she uninvited you to be a bridesmaid because you got engaged? I don't get those people. My FI's cousin just got engaged and is getting married before us. No issues to us.

And I get you wanting to play nice. But this girl kicked you out of her wedding. You don't know her well. You don't feel close to her.

Perhaps there is some other way she could be involved in the wedding so she doesn't feel slighted?

abaron3 · February 2014

@abbyj700 - I was sort of drawn to the whole "honorary bridesmaid" thing, but I know that it actually isn't a good idea. I was just feeling spiteful.

Our wedding only has about 100 people invited though, so having several ushers, for instance, isn't necessary.

I also had the second thought that it takes strength to confront someone with kindness and love when they are trying to induce anger and a poor response.

@missax - My fiancé's twin's fiancee believes that there should also be a "golden child" and is trying to do everything in her power to make her fiancé seem flawless while making my FI seem like an immature and irresponsible child (as opposed to a successful entrepreneur and attorney).

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

abaron3 said:

@sarahhufl In this case, more than a month has passed since the incident and it isn't changing...

I think you're right about it not going over well though. The last catch: she and her FI would be staying in our house... with us..

I know she sounds awful... but I don't think there's another way out. What do you tell her? "Hang out here while we do WP-related stuff? I know you're not familiar with the state but here's a map?"

Yes, although the map part isn't necessary and frankly giving her anything would be too nice. Your wedding party is for people you care about a lot and want standing with you on your wedding day. This woman is a grade A bitch. I get that you can't avoid seeing her ever again, but you don't have to talk to her- so what she's at a family function? Talk to other people. You're not obligated to talk to her and be her friend and if she's going to be that nasty to you.

You do not need to go out of your way to look like the bigger person here- she bitched at you for getting engaged and called you a baby killer! You're already towering over her as far as the moral high ground goes.

Don't include her in the wedding party. If she throws a fit, let her and move on. If she gives you dirty looks at family gatherings, let her. It'll be a hell of a lot better than being her friend- imagine how nasty she is, and imagine having to stand near that all night and smile and laugh at that shit. Ugh.

Just treat her like you'd treat any acquaintance- be nice, but not disney princess nice. Smile and say hi, then go talk to someone else or do what I do when I'm antisocial- run right to wherever the food is, and stay there, lol. You're not going to look in the wrong here- anyone hearing her bitch about how you got engaged before she got married and how you must be a baby killer would be amazed you haven't strangled her yet, I certainly am.

To invite or not to invite future siblings in law?

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