help on how to deal with a BM - vent!

mbuhpathi · February 2010

first of all sorry for this long vent! our wedding will be a day for our families from two regions of india to come together and celebrate with us. most of the guests at our wedding are indian including friends and family. we do have about a third of our guests who are your traditional americans. we picked our venue (marriott lincolnshire) because they have a lot of experience working on indian weddings and have a few indian menus to choose from for the catering. i am having a slight issue and i am not sure how to deal with it. most of my bridesmaids are indian. some are local and some are from back home in india. i do however have a non-indian friend who is giong to be a bridesmaid and when she found out that we were having indian food she sent me this long drawn out email about how she didnt like indian food and that she didn't think it was right to have a wedding with so many americans and not serve food that is suitable for both cultures. we have already given our food options and contract for this and it is a local indian restaurant that does the catering. they do not do american food. what do you think the best way to approach this issue with my BM? nobody else has complained and i presume that they must know we are an indian couple and it is our day so we are trying to appease as many people as possible. i can't please everyone but i dont want to upset her because she is a good friend.

Sparkette19 · February 2010

I think if you politely state that the food options have already been contracted and there really is no other option of cuisine available, that should suffice.

However, there a part of me that would want to be somewhat sarcastic....I would have the urge to ask or say "In an effort to accomodate your concern about your dinner option, FI and I will offer to have an alternative meal provided to you if you feel that it's necessary."

Lil_miss_sha · February 2010

How frustrating! Tell her to go read Emily Post and suck it...okay, just kidding!

I would tell her that you understand that the wedding is being held in the US and so there will be a diverse amount of guests; American and non-American. However, the wedding is also an ethnic event. It's not only religious, it's cultural. In celebration of your Indian culture, you have decided to have Indian food. Unfortunately, you cannot accomodate her because the catering contracts have already been signed and the caterer does not make non-Indian food. You appreciate her understanding in this matter. If she insists that she can't eat Indian food, then offer her some suggestions as to local restaurants where she may grab a quick bite to eat prior to the reception.

Worst case scenario, she'll end up eating naan like Angela in the Office Diwali episode. LOL

Lil_miss_sha · February 2010

p.s. I just noticed you have India House for your caterers. Us too! I'm about 2 weeks before you so I'll let you know how it goes!

ladybug7485 · February 2010

I agree with PP. It's your wedding and it doesn't matter if she doesn't like the food. She's also prejudging that she won't like what's being served when she's probably never eaten there. She's also implying that because other guests are not Indian that they will not appreciate Indian food. I'm not Indian and very much enjoy Indian food and would love if it was served at a wedding.
I'm surprised that a Bmaid would even voice an opinion on this issue.
HTH!
P.S. I agree with Sparkette that I as well would have a hard time not being sarcastic. Tell her if she wants "american food" you could ask the limo to stop at McD's and get her a burger and fries.

kthame · February 2010

WOW! I cannot believe a friend/BM would actually say something like that; it's completely disrespectful and flat out RUDE! I'm sorry you had to deal with that...it's awful.

You need to just let her know that it's YOUR wedding and it's a celebration of your culture and that you would never ever be offended going to a wedding where they only served American food.

She doesn't know what she's missing...IN food is the BEST! Ugh, what I wouldn't give for some of the veggies in that spicy sauce! No idea what the official name is, but it's fantastic!

MINDMNMO · February 2010

I will be the first to admit I'm an extremely picky eater and am not a big fan of Indian food. I understand her apprehension to having that be the only choice. HOWEVER, this is YOUR wedding and she is someone you have asked to stand up and support you with this celebration. She definitely needs a little reality check on the situation. My gut instinct would tell her to stick it but that won't solve anything. I agree with the other ppl and just apologize and say that unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it now and frankly she should accept that.

sgylling · February 2010

Wow I really cannot believe that either! I think there is some great advise from everyone above. I would have a super hard time with not being sarcastic too! Unless someone has a dietary restriction, I think you pretty much just go with the program. Some people are so inconsiderate. Sorry this happened!

HMandKW · February 2010

I agree with kthame. I will withhold my thoughts on your friend and instead simply say that it is NOT at all rude to serve Indian food at your wedding to any guest of any culture. I guarantee that your guests will love the food and the experience. I love Indian food and I'm "American". Please don't feel that you have done something to disregard your guests etc. This one person has made you feel that way, but as the others said, just tell her you have a contract and you are celebrating your culture and as many people love indian food as love spongy chicken breast. Then try to put it past you and enjoy the rest of your planning. Good luck!

duckie1905 · February 2010

The funny thing is, if she actually tried it instead of complaining, I bet she could find something she liked instead of assuming that she has tried every version of every indian dish before deciding there is nothing at your wedding she likes. Tell her to bring a sandwich.

nikikarabetsos · February 2010

Crazy! its ridulous how rude people can be. I agree with everyone else, let her know why you chose Indian fare, and I'd also tell her that you are a bit hurt and offended that she would attack your choices, and inturn your culture.
If she'd be more open minded she might find a new type of food she enjoys!

Bubbala · February 2010

I agree with everyone else...I think it is horrid that she would even bring something up. It is YOUR wedding, and as LIl_miss said, it is a cultural event. Be proud of it, and don't change a darn thing.

jessNlane52804 · February 2010

Ignore her, she's being dumb. I'm as white as it gets (my family refers to ourselves as honkys...) and I think Indian food is amazing! She can shut up and eat it!!!

Also, Mariott Lincolnshire is amazing! Never been to a wedding there, but FI and I love going to that theater with all of the senior citizens! We just saw My Fair Lady for an early Valentine's this past weekend and some old lady yelled at FI for not wearing his coat.

Noron · February 2010

Tell her there is a Chicago Knottie that will gladly eat her portion - I'll PM you my address so you can send it my way!

lorn · February 2010

I'm appalled at how rude she is. Talk about lack of any tact. I think you should reply to her e-mail with the link to this conversation. LOL.

I agree with what everyone has said. It's a cultural event, your cultural event and you should be allowed to celebrate it how you like. Also, it's such a great opportunity and honor to be able to be a part of another culture's celebration. She's not looking at this from the standpoint of all the new things she'll experience but rather from a very narrow-minded view.

She doesn't like Indian food? I wonder how much of it she's tried. It's like someone trying liver and onions and saying they hate American food.

kmrazek · February 2010

Like everyone else has said, don't change a thing.

But to save the friendship and make things easier as the planning goes along - maybe you could go out to dinner with her one-on-one and try the food you're going to have at the wedding (some of the specific dishes, either at the restaurant that's catering or a similar venue), so she'll know what to expect, and maybe, just MAYBE, she'll find something she actually likes. It might be the lack of knowledge of the food that is scaring her so if you get her familiar with the food, she won't be as apprehensive about it!

Good luck!

jbll326 · February 2010

That's so beyond disrespectful, I would struggle to even send a response. I like Lorn's suggestion to send her the link to this conversation

I agree with pps - just explain that you and FI have decided to honor your culture at YOUR wedding and will serve the food of your culture, as most couples do. If she has a strong aversion to the food, you'd be happy to swing by McD's for her and buy her all the value meals she can possibly eat so that she's not hungry at your wedding, but that you would hope she would embrace this adventure and jump feet first into the experience that is an Indian wedding. Also, you will happily devour any greasy or bland American food that she decides to serve at her wedding in the future.

mirandarocks · February 2010

ok i went to an indian wedding ( i love indian food) but my boss who went (also the bride's boss) thinks anything beyond a cheeseburger and fries is exotic. But he went he didn't eat anything (wimp) and never once complained. tell your BM to suck it up! throw her a piece of naan to nibble on

help on how to deal with a BM - vent!

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