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Wedding Party

XP Uncooperative Groom

juliet1035juliet1035 member
10 Comments
edited March 2014 in Wedding Party
I really need some perspective here ladies. I was engaged in September 2013 and our wedding is in September 2014. My FH has a little bit of social anxiety (which i have just recently started seeing/becoming aware of) and now 6 months away from the wedding is claiming that this is not what he wants. The wedding is large 200-250 and that is a bit more than what he had originally intended however My family is covering 60% of the finances and money is not the issue. I am running around like a crazy woman meeting with vendors, getting quotes, planning with my wedding coordinator, etc. The only meetings i have asked him to attend are the big ones, the venue location, the picking of the wedding planner, the photographer and the cake. He is mostly upset with the fact that when we got engaged he told me he had 4-5 groomsmen, so in turn I picked 5 bridesmaids. Now it turns out he has only asked 2 guys, he keep putting off speaking with the other 2 guys ( i am not sure why) and he wants to have one of his girlfriends as a groomsman (who just happens to be getting a divorce from her husband, who is the best man). 

Anyways i am so frustrated because he is saying he is stressed when all i have asked him to do is the bare bones and pick his groomsmen. I don't ask him about other things because i know it "stresses" him. Have any of you experienced anything similar and if so what have you done to get on the same page?

Re: XP Uncooperative Groom

  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited February 2014
    Please don't take this the wrong way, but how are you engaged and you're just now seeing FI's social anxiety? 

    Honestly, if you knew he had some social anxiety issues, planning a wedding with 250 people probably wasn't a good idea. 

    As for the bridal party, you don't have to have even sides so just let him ask who he wants. I have 4 BM's and FI only has 1 GM. If he wants to ask the ex-spouse of his best man to be in the wedding, let him deal with any drama that may come from that.

    The way to get on the same page is for you to make some compromises and start planning a wedding that both you and your FI want and not leave him out of all the planning except the big stuff. 

    ETA: I feel like I came off snarky in this, but I didn't mean to. I have some anxiety issues myself so I feel for your FI. The way we worked that out was FI and I are only having 35 people at our wedding. There's no way I could have stood up and professed my love to him in front of 250 people. Knowing I would have to do that would be enough to stress me out throughout the entire planning process and up to the big day. Every time we would talk about the wedding all I would be able to think about is all those people that would be there and it would be awful.
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    doeydoMollyandDthemuffinman16cowgirl8238
  • Tammy - thanks for your response. - i have left him out of the planning per his request, not by my own choice.

    And as far as the social anxiety, it has only become a problem in the last 3-6 months. He has gained about 30-40 pounds and he says when he is insecure with his appearance, it gets exponentially worse. We have only been together for 18 months and up until now it has not been an issue. The problem is that the venue and numbers have already been locked in and paid for. I am not opposed to just calling it all quits but i want to save that as a last alternative since there is probably over $15K already spent on deposits.


  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Tammy - thanks for your response. - i have left him out of the planning per his request, not by my own choice.

    And as far as the social anxiety, it has only become a problem in the last 3-6 months. He has gained about 30-40 pounds and he says when he is insecure with his appearance, it gets exponentially worse. We have only been together for 18 months and up until now it has not been an issue. The problem is that the venue and numbers have already been locked in and paid for. I am not opposed to just calling it all quits but i want to save that as a last alternative since there is probably over $15K already spent on deposits.

     

    I think he needs to get some counseling.
     
    What about postponing? Would a little more time help he feel better? Or maybe take a few weeks break from wedding planning and wedding talk.
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  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Tammy - thanks for your response. - i have left him out of the planning per his request, not by my own choice.

    And as far as the social anxiety, it has only become a problem in the last 3-6 months. He has gained about 30-40 pounds and he says when he is insecure with his appearance, it gets exponentially worse. We have only been together for 18 months and up until now it has not been an issue. The problem is that the venue and numbers have already been locked in and paid for. I am not opposed to just calling it all quits but i want to save that as a last alternative since there is probably over $15K already spent on deposits.


    That makes more sense then. I wouldn't cancel anything just yet. Is he working on any of this? Trying to lose weight or doing anything about his anxiety? 
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  • No :( Its like he is in a depression so he eats more food and i have encouraged him to go to the doctor as i understand that anxiety is not easy to deal with but maybe therapy or medication may help but he has yet to set up an appointment.when i have offered to do it, he gets mad that i am pushing him,

    I started going to the gym as i too have gained weight and i want to look good in our pictures and i invite him to go to the gym with me (he has a membership too) but he never wants to go.  
  • Kat - great suggestion i think i may even look into counseling for both of us as i am wired very differently and maybe need to understand where he is coming from and learn how to better cope with his issues.
    lc07themuffinman16
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Kat - great suggestion i think i may even look into counseling for both of us as i am wired very differently and maybe need to understand where he is coming from and learn how to better cope with his issues.


    I think its great that you are open to counseling. Hopefully your fi will be also.

    What has his fmaily said about the weight/ mood changes? Can they help encourage him to go to a doctor?

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  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    No :( Its like he is in a depression so he eats more food and i have encouraged him to go to the doctor as i understand that anxiety is not easy to deal with but maybe therapy or medication may help but he has yet to set up an appointment.when i have offered to do it, he gets mad that i am pushing him,

    I started going to the gym as i too have gained weight and i want to look good in our pictures and i invite him to go to the gym with me (he has a membership too) but he never wants to go.  
    You probably won't be able to get him to go if he doesn't want to. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but from my own personal experience there really isn't anything you can do. If you are willing to talk to a professional yourself they can help you on how to handle yourself with someone who has depression and anxiety, but unless he wants to change it there isn't anything you can say or do that will change him. My advice then would be to continue planning and ask him his opinion. If he gets upset or says he's too stressed out please don't take it personally. It's not about you or the wedding, it's about him. When he says he is too stressed out just step back and say ok and let it go. Don't push him to do anything.
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  • His family lives almost an hour away and they think he is blowing things out of proportion since they only see me doing a lot of the running around.
    Tammy, i don't take it personal at all - i guess what just has me super frustrated are the mood swings of it all. There are days where he is laughing and joking and tells me I am right and should be more patient with everything and he recognizes that he is being difficult or uncooperative.

    Then there are days like last night that he blows up tells me he doesn't want any of it.

    I could never force him to go and won't but at this point i am willing to try anything to keep us both on the same page and communicating effectively.

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @juliet1035, when you create the exact same post on more than one board, it is best to place "XP" just prior to the title in the heading.
    pinkshorts27
  • If he's truly interested in seeing someone for depression and anxiety it might help him to know that it's not like making a medical doctor's appointment. In my experience, a good psychologist doesn't work with a receptionist. Usually what happens is you call and leave a message on their voice mail, and no one ever hears it but the therapist. He doesn't need to go into detail about why he wants to come in, just that he wants to make an appointment. Then the psychologist will call back to set it up, and probably still won't want any details over the phone about why.

    Also their offices should be discreet buildings with minimal, and somewhat vague signage. No big banners saying "Crazy people enter here."

    Not everyone knows these things if they've never done this before, but I think this information, about what to expect from a good therapist, can help a lot in taking that first step. It's important to feel that sense of safety and total confidentiality from the start.

    Just thought I'd throw that out there in case it helps your FI or any lurkers. :-)
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  • If he's truly interested in seeing someone for depression and anxiety it might help him to know that it's not like making a medical doctor's appointment. In my experience, a good psychologist doesn't work with a receptionist. Usually what happens is you call and leave a message on their voice mail, and no one ever hears it but the therapist. He doesn't need to go into detail about why he wants to come in, just that he wants to make an appointment. Then the psychologist will call back to set it up, and probably still won't want any details over the phone about why. Also their offices should be discreet buildings with minimal, and somewhat vague signage. No big banners saying "Crazy people enter here." Not everyone knows these things if they've never done this before, but I think this information, about what to expect from a good therapist, can help a lot in taking that first step. It's important to feel that sense of safety and total confidentiality from the start. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case it helps your FI or any lurkers. :-)

    I am a social worker and have dealt with a lot of Psychologists/Therapists and the bolded has not been true for any of them.  They all had someone answering the phone, checking patients it, taking payments, and dealing with the insurance companies.   They will all exercise confidentiality.  The therapists are bound by their professional ethics and everyone who works in the office is bound by federal law.  
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  • nebullamanebullama member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    nebullama said:


    mysticl said:

    I am a social worker and have dealt with a lot of Psychologists/Therapists and the bolded has not been true for any of them.  They all had someone answering the phone, checking patients it, taking payments, and dealing with the insurance companies.   They will all exercise confidentiality.  The therapists are bound by their professional ethics and everyone who works in the office is bound by federal law.  



    I can only speak from my own experience which was that I hated the experience you described, and it wasn't right for me. I didn't care what laws the receptionists were bound by, I didn't want to deal with them. I wasn't comfortable with it.

    The whole process was much more productive for me when I only had to deal with the psychologist directly. I showed up 5 minutes before my appointment, sat in the waiting room, and when it was time she came to get me. No need for check in. She did work with someone who handled her billing but I never met that person. Every other month my psychologist just handed me a statement/invoice at the end of our session. No need for anyone else to be directly involved with me.

    I'm not really saying what you described is wrong per se, but it isn't the only way. I know I'm not alone in preferring the total one on one safe frame. :)
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  • nebullama said:

    I am a social worker and have dealt with a lot of Psychologists/Therapists and the bolded has not been true for any of them.  They all had someone answering the phone, checking patients it, taking payments, and dealing with the insurance companies.   They will all exercise confidentiality.  The therapists are bound by their professional ethics and everyone who works in the office is bound by federal law.  
    I can only speak from my own experience which was that I hated the experience you described, and it wasn't right for me. I didn't care what laws the receptionists were bound by, I didn't want to deal with them. I wasn't comfortable with it. The whole process was much more productive for me when I only had to deal with the psychologist directly. I showed up 5 minutes before my appointment, sat in the waiting room, and when it was time she came to get me. No need for check in. She did work with someone who handled her billing but I never met that person. Every other month my psychologist just handed me a statement/invoice at the end of our session. No need for anyone else to be directly involved with me. I'm not really saying what you described is wrong per se, but it isn't the only way. I know I'm not alone in preferring the total one on one safe frame. :)

    I understand what you are trying to say.  However, in your original post you said a good therapist would do the things you outlined.  That could be perceived as you saying that if a therapist has a receptionist he/she is not a good therapist.  That is simply not true.  It is also not true that if a therapist does the things you said they are automatically a good therapist.  That is office management, it has nothing to do with clinical skills.  I'm am sincerely glad you found an experience that worked for you and helped you.  You should absolutely share whatever part of your journey you are comfortable sharing with others.  It can be so beneficial for people who need help.  I would just hate for someone to opt not to get help because they can only find ones with receptionists and jump to the conclusion they must be bad.  
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  • Well we had a long talk last night with yelling and then lots of tears and while he admits that this is more than the anxiety, he is embarrassed to go seek help. While i am no expert and i don't know if medication is the solution, it is so frustrating to have someone who admits there is an issue but doesn't want to do anything about the situation :(


  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2014
    Would he maybe go to couples' counseling so he could see what it's like and that it's not that bad, and then maybe he could decide to go on his own?
    I had a similar problem with my FI a while back.  He was depressed and wouldn't go to therapy.  I finally convinced him to come to a few sessions of couples' counseling and he saw that it wasn't so bad.

    ETA: just tell him it's for you, not for him, and that you're asking him to come with you out of caring for you.
  • crazycat - that's actually what i suggested and i presented it as a way for me to understand him better and for us to communicate better. He still said no :(
  • AprilH81AprilH81 Columbus, OH member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    crazycat - that's actually what i suggested and i presented it as a way for me to understand him better and for us to communicate better. He still said no :(

    @juliet1035 if he won't tell you what is wrong and he won't go to therapy (on is own or with you) I would put a halt to wedding planning until something changes.  You need to be able to communicate with him without yelling and crying and he needs to be able to express himself so that you can understand.
    photo composite_14153800476219.jpg
    OliveOilsMom
  • That is really unfortunate to hear. Maybe just give him a little time to warm up to the idea. I started seeing a counsellor when I was a teenager and I didn't want to go either. It came as a shock to me how quickly I warmed up to doing things I was adamantly opposed to at the time. Keep in mind, he may have a certain perception about talking to someone and not know what it would truly consist of. It took me a very long time to open up, and he doesn't have to share anything he isn't comfortable discussing.
  • Well we had a long talk last night with yelling and then lots of tears and while he admits that this is more than the anxiety, he is embarrassed to go seek help. While i am no expert and i don't know if medication is the solution, it is so frustrating to have someone who admits there is an issue but doesn't want to do anything about the situation :(


    It can take a while.  He's made the first step by admitting there is a problem. Unfortunately there is still a huge stigma attached to seeing a therapist.  It doesn't help that they have to diagnose you with something so they can bill your insurance.  

    Talking to his primary care physician may help.  The doctor can help him with his weight issues which may give him a little more confidence.  If the referral to a therapist (or psychiatrist) comes from his doctor he may be more comfortable with going.  Also, some doctors are willing to prescribe anti anxiety meds which could make it easier to seek help.  His embarrassment is probably making his anxiety worse.  But only a doctor can determine if that is an appropriate course of action.  
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  • crazycat - that's actually what i suggested and i presented it as a way for me to understand him better and for us to communicate better. He still said no :(
    My FI said no for a while but once he saw how unhappy I was with the situation (and was thinking about leaving) he changed his mind.
  • I would ask your FI if he would be okay with having a really small ceremony of 30 people.  Invite ONLY your close family and friends. And see if FI warms up to the idea.  You need to gauge if FI is having cold feet or if it is anxiety.  To me, anyone who cannot talk about their problems should not get married.  Communication is the only way a marriage will last. Married people IMO have to be open to seeing a counselor.  What happens, heaven forbid, a family member dies, someone close becomes terminally ill, or just so many awful things that could happen?  If he can't talk about it, how does he plan on overcoming this problem?
  • Tammy - thanks for your response. - i have left him out of the planning per his request, not by my own choice.

    And as far as the social anxiety, it has only become a problem in the last 3-6 months. He has gained about 30-40 pounds and he says when he is insecure with his appearance, it gets exponentially worse. We have only been together for 18 months and up until now it has not been an issue. The problem is that the venue and numbers have already been locked in and paid for. I am not opposed to just calling it all quits but i want to save that as a last alternative since there is probably over $15K already spent on deposits.


    Coming from a counseling perspective, he may want to look into getting professional help.. It sounds like this weight gain is triggering some anxiety, but what caused the weight gain? is there more to it than just eating unhealthily. anxiety about the wedding??. i know that it will mean a loss of extreme amounts of money.. but it might be best for him and your relationship to put this all on hold. It would help your relationship in the end too. It's not the most ideal choice, but if you love him.. think about what will be best for him.. good luck.
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  • Good Morning!!

    This weekend I had a heart to heart with the FI and the discussion went extremely well. I put everything on the table on how I felt and what concessions I was willing to make (yes even canceling the wedding if necessary). The talk went extremely well and he did admit that he was in a funk but he was also being lazy about a few things. He also admitted that some of my decisions made him mad so he decided to take it out on me and the wedding in general as opposed to just the incidents/issues at hand.

    We actually had our engagement photo shoot on Saturday and I think that helped even more as he was reminded that it truly is just the two of us. This will just be something we have to take one day at a time and i think that we are on the right path. I would still like for us to see someone as this is not just a one time issue, but he is having a bit of difficulty with the concept of going to speak to someone as he does not feel it will help.

    Thank you all for your insight and perspective!
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