Destination Wedding and Kids

gtrigg11 · March 2014

Hi, I have a dilemma. From day one I made it clear that the only kids (including adult kids) that were invited to the wedding was first cousins. Because the per plate is so expensive (~$250). Problem is my future mother-in-law has told her cousins that their adult kids can come. My future in-laws are not paying for the wedding at all. My parents are. We are having the wedding in Florida so most people are using the wedding as a family vacation. My question is, am I being a complete brat for not including adult children? How should I handle this now that my future mother-in-law has said kids are invited? The wedding is less than 4 months away and I addressed the invite to Mr. and Mrs. only. Not and family.

Thanks,

doeydo · March 2014

You don't have to invite anyone you do not want to invite. If your FILs verbally invited someone, that was extremely rude of them. I would talk to your FI and have him tell his parents that they were out of line and that they have to tell the people that they "invited" that they are sorry and were mistaken.

gtrigg11 · March 2014

Thank you. Unfortunately I talked to my FILs about this already and they said I have to handle it. Ugh! I am stressing out about it. I guess I will just come off looking like the bad guy here. But at least I am not wrong in telling them NO. Thanks again.

KatWAG · March 2014

gtrigg11 said:

Thank you. Unfortunately I talked to my FILs about this already and they said I have to handle it. Ugh! I am stressing out about it. I guess I will just come off looking like the bad guy here. But at least I am not wrong in telling them NO. Thanks again.

You dont need to handle this, your fi does. Has your fi talked to his parents about this?

Inkdancer · March 2014

You don't have to look like the bad guy.

"I am so sorry about what happened. Apparently there was a miscommunication, and FILs were mistaken when they said we would be able to invite you. We simply can't invite everyone we'd like to have. Again, I'm very sorry."

gtrigg11 · March 2014

He has not yet. This literally all just went down this morning. I will talk to him about it tonight.

photokitty · March 2014

Your FILs sound like a really peck of peaches.

I'd make FI handle it. It is his family. Have him call the his second cousins and apologize for the confusion and that his parents were mistaken.

Since you are 4 months (since invites don't go out for another 2 months) out you have some options when sending the invites. You can include the names of this invited on the response card so there is no (less) confusion.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

gtrigg11 said:

Thank you. Unfortunately I talked to my FILs about this already and they said I have to handle it. Ugh! I am stressing out about it. I guess I will just come off looking like the bad guy here. But at least I am not wrong in telling them NO. Thanks again.

If your FILs are telling you to handle it, I'd turn it back on them. Say, 'OK, please give me the names and phone numbers of everyone you have improperly invited and I will gladly call them and explain the etiquette faux pas you committed by inviting them to an event that you're not hosting.'

I imagine that given the choice between NOT knowing what you'll say about them but assuming they'll be painted in a bad light and making amends on their own, they will choose the latter.

I would not, btw, say, 'I'm sorry,' because that implies that you did wrong, and you didn't. I would say, if you end up handling this, 'I'm so sorry my FILs got your hopes up and invited you out of turn. I'm sure it's very disappointing. I'm so sorry for their behaviour.'

But I do ditto PPs in that your FI needs to handle this with his parents, and he needs to be firm about it.

DH's grandmother told her SIL that she was 'more than welcome' to bring her handyman friend (note: not a boyfriend or relationship, just a male friend who does handy things around her house). When I found out, I was furious, and I told DH, 'You need to handle this, RIGHT NOW, and you need to tell her she was out of line and rude.'

He did. He said, 'BSC granny, what on earth made you think you could invite people to an event that you're not hosting?' She said, 'Well, so many of my side have declined, I knew you had space.' He said, 'No, actually, you don't know that, because you don't know our guest list. And it's not OK for you to just randomly decide that Aunt Susie can bring her handman. You need to call her, right now, and say you were wrong and you're sorry. If you don't, I will call her and tell you were wrong and you're sorry and you were terribly rude to have invited people to an event you're not hosting.'

She eventually backed off, but it was a process, because she kept saying, 'But it's only one person, and there were so many declines from my side, and I want more people there!'

Well, that's great, lady, but YOU'RE NOT PAYING, and I'm not inviting random people (who aren't SOs, because obviously SOs would have been allowed whether I knew them or not) to my wedding just so YOU have more people to sit with.

AddieCake · March 2014

I think your fiance needs to call the people and explain that they are not invited. It is HIS family who screwed up.

speedyblazer11 · March 2014

Agreed with all of the ladies above. FI should handle the cousins if his parents won't and then he needs to have a firm talk with his parents. Good luck and just breathe (that's what everyone tells me but I am on the fence of whether or not it works)

gtrigg11 · March 2014

Thanks everyone. I sent my FI a message asking him to address the issue. I know he will. I just can't believe that I have to deal with this when not only I told my FILs, but my FI and my parents told them about the guest list. I don't get what is so hard to understand.

banana468 · March 2014

Not only does your FI need to handle it but it sounds like he may want to remind them about what will and won't be handled in the future. If my ILs ever did that, DH would have to carefully choose his words so he isn't breaking a Commandment but ILs would know NEVER to do that again.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Yeah, your FI needs to tell them that they, not you, have the responsibility of contacting everyone they've invited without permission and uninvite them. And if he won't support you on this, I'd have to reconsider your relationship with him. You and your parents should not have to pay for their extra guests because they can't keep their mouths shut.

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