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jlvisk · March 2014

AddieCake · March 2014

Who is paying for your wedding? Anyone contributing anything substantial to the wedding gets a say in things. As for the cousin's husband, you really do need to invite him, even if his character is deplorable. Have him escorted out if he gets out of line. Otherwise, just don't invite your cousin either and tell her why.

nascar02zp · March 2014

Well my two cents on your first dilemma would first be how long ago was the breakup? I mean are we talking 6 months or 6 years? If it was a semi-recent breakup and if there may still be thoughts of hatred from the ex's family, then I would say not to invite them. If the breakup was a long time ago, I would say to invite them and hope that they don't come if you don't want them there. I guess this also gets into a situation of who is paying for the wedding. My fiancee and I are paying for our whole wedding so we are deciding 100% who is and is not invited. If you parents are paying for yours then it may just be better to invite them. I am sure this isnt going to be the first battle you have with family over aspects of the wedding so decide if this argument is important enough to stand your ground on or if it would be best to just invite them and save the fight for something that may be more dear to your heart.

For your second, I understand where you are coming from. Although I don't have the racial aspect in my wedding, my fiancee's mother's new husband is a major redneck and completely lacks any and all manners and voices his opinion loudly and with aggression on things because he doesn't respect that everyone has different opinions. I would say though that you have to invite him if you are inviting the rest of the family, you can't exclude him and his wife, but perhaps if your cousin is more understanding than her husband, talk to her and lightly express your concerns and perhaps she can speak to him and ask that he keeps his opinions to himself for the evening.

jlvisk · March 2014

Thanks for your advice, Addie.

My parents are paying the most towards the wedding, with my fiance and myself contributing as well.

hyechica81 · March 2014

here is the meaning of the confederate flag most people assume or associate it with racism but the flag does not stand for that

he Confederate battle flag (as I assume you're talking about) is a symbol of resistance to tyranny, and the right of self government. When the South seceded from the union (that it voluntarily entered), it did so in accordance with the same guarantees of self-government that the original thirteen colonies.

The War for Southern Independence had nothing to do with slavery. Lincoln himself stated that he was only interested in forcing the Southern States back into the union. He offered to let them return to the Union with slaves. If the South was concerned with retaining slavery, the best course of action would have been to return to the union.

What the South was concerned with, however, was the right to self government. There were many economic issues that had been plaguing the union for some time. Most prominent was the tariff, which unfairly and adversely effected the South, while benefiting the North. This led to much controversy over the years.

The tensions between the two sections had been going on for many years, and ultimately was the product of a clash of two cultures.

the 13 stars in the flag represent the 13 states in the confederate war

jlvisk · March 2014

Thanks, Nascar02! I like the idea of expressing concerns with my cousin beforehand - that way, if her husband is an idiot and needs kicking out, it won't come as a surprise. We'd be giving him a chance to behave instead of prematurely reacting to expected behavior that might not even happen. That does make sense!

And yes - it looks like I'm going to have to invite the ex's family - who's paying for dinner wins that argument, and my parents will be paying for that expense for sure. I'll save my stubbornness for a different argument!

Thanks again!

jlvisk · March 2014

Thanks, Hyechica. I've got a degree in history and am well aware of the historical use and symbolism of the Confederate flag, and how it has been used and perceived since the time of the Civil War to today. Here isn't really the place to get into that argument.

Regarding the issue of my cousin's husband, there is no doubt that he has serious issues with other races and will say so if given the opportunity. The tattoo is just scratching the surface. Other things he has done and said in relation to race are not even close to acceptable.

emmaaa · March 2014

I agree with PP. Since your parents are helping pay for the wedding, you should invite the ex's family and hope they decline. Since it seems like your FI is okay with them being invited, this shouldn't be a problem anyways.

And in regard to the cousin's husband. I think you should just mention to your cousin your concerns. And if he is this racist, chances are he may not want to come anyways.

In regards to @hyechica81: as a southerner with full knowledge of what the Confederate Battle flag is and was used to represent, the issue is non-educated, ignorant, racists (such as the KKK when they adopted it to represent them) that use the flag to be racist.

Edited because I apparently can't type.

jlvisk · March 2014

Thanks for the great advice, MrsGrffin!

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

hyechica81 did not know you were a history major, but probably assumed (based on your post) that you equated the Confederate Flag with racism, which is clearly wrong. I just don't think the Confederate Flag tattoo is a real good example of how he is a racist.

ETA: a word

CMGragain · March 2014

I had to deal with my racist mother when my daughter married an Asian man. I simply told her to keep her big mouth shut around the in-laws. She made a lot of racist comments to me privately, and I told her that she was being tacky, low class, trailer park trash. I offered her a white sheet so she could join the KKK. She was so shocked at my language, she quit talking about it. Ha!

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