Assumptions are the root of wedding evil

MGP · March 2014

@CookiePusher got me thinking about assumptions and how they are really at the root of all wedding drama. One of my favorite sayings is "when you make an assumption you make an ASS out of U and ME" and it's so true. There are lots of them on all sides and I thought I would list a few that popped into my mind:

Bride/Groom assumptions

everyone cares about their wedding as much as they do

everyone wants to help

everyone will help, especially if it means saving money

everyone wants to celebrate - even if it means being selectively invited to things and/or tiered hosting

shower entitlement

bachelor/bachelorette party entitlement

guests covering their plate

wedding party is fine with normal/expected expenses (i.e. attire) without discussion

Guest assumptions

automatically given a +1 even if the invite doesn't specify

children invited even if the invite doesn't specify

invitations are transferrable

you can verbally invite people you think the hosts "forgot" to invite, especially if it's your family

Feel free to add! (as you can probably tell I am a list maker)

doeydo · March 2014

Bride/Groom assumptions
If our guests love us, they will be OK with our cash-bar, tiered reception, etc.

lightningsnow · March 2014

Bride and Groom- Couples who aren't married won't mind being listed as Relative Name and Guest. All of our family does this so it's okay.

phira · March 2014

Bride/Groom assumptions:

- Wedding party members will be thrilled with gifts that are specific to our wedding (anything from barware engraved with the wedding date and "bridesmaid/groomsmen" on it to wedding day make-up "because they'll be excited that they'll look better in photos")

- It's an honor to give guests menial jobs like handing out programs

- Wedding party members and parents will help plan everything when asked, butt out when not asked

- Guests will get upset if the open bar is limited so it's okay to charge for top shelf if guests ask for it

HaileyDancingbear · March 2014

Random assumptions

Not getting an invite is an insult that means the B+G don't like you- because budgets and occupancy limits don't exist and guest lists can be infinite.

I'm totally in the wedding party.

Ew you're getting married? You're wasting all of your money and you're going to get a divorce. I read once that around 60% get divorces, but I'm just gonna go ahead and expect 100% of marriages to fail. The fact that you're doing ANYTHING other than eloping means you're a spoiled brat wasting money.

You're getting married? You're gonna start having kids immediately, right?

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

Guests: my opinion about the colors, music played, flowers, and all other personal details that don't actually affect me matter and I must make myself heard, repeatedly.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Guests:
-- that the bride and groom want their input on anything
-- that the bride and groom are going to change their plans because a guest doesn't like the colours, seasons, time of day, church, location, etc.
-- that any parts of the day are up for discussion

Bride & Groom:
-- that just because their families say they don't mind, they really don't mind
-- that family members and friends will tell them the truth rather than hurt their feelings
-- that normal rules of social behaviour can be suspended because it's a wedding, rather than upping their etiquette game
-- that their 'fun/cute/whimsical/unique/special' ideas will be as well-received and as loved by guests as they are by the B&G

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

Bride/Groom:

- It's totally okay to send out a second wave of invitations when declines come in. Our friends/family/coworkers will just be excited we're inviting them

- Our guests won't mind having a long, unhosted gap as it will give them time to explore the area/check into their hotels/freshen up. After all, it's much more important that we get the perfect pictures at a different location/have an evening reception/avoid serving a full meal

- No ring, no bring!

- Everyone will appreciate if we dictate what they should wear to our wedding. After all, this means they will match the "look" of our wedding AND won't have to think about what to wear!

kmmssg · March 2014

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves

jerkyanne · March 2014

Married Couple ("bride&groom") : My guests are my family and friends so they won't mind spending hundreds of dollars to fly out of state to my "real" wedding even though we lied about being married six months ago. If they found outbwe were lying they wouldn't care because I really needed insurance but don't want to pay for it separately.

Bride and Groom:
-shoes and jewelry and hair have to match, my bridal party will expect to have to pay for these unnecessary additions.
-whenever my bridemaid disagrees with me it's because she's jealous I'm getting married.
-my friend won't mind if I don't mind if I don't invite her significant other, they've only been dating for 6 months.
-it's 100% expected to do a dollar dance (or X tradition) because I live in X state, people will be upset if I don't and will definitely be wondering for time to come why we didn't include it.

Guests:
-weddings never start on time, I can be 15 mins late
-I don't have to RSVP, they'll know I'm coming.

Inkdancer · March 2014

B&G: People who aren't included in the wedding will think we don't love them, so we should honor them by having them do a reading/ man the guest book/ cut the cake/ serve punch/ coordinate the day. Nobody wants to just be a guest.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

jerkyanne said:

Married Couple ("bride&groom") : My guests are my family and friends so they won't mind spending hundreds of dollars to fly out of state to my "real" wedding even though we lied about being married six months ago. If they found outbwe were lying they wouldn't care because I really needed insurance but don't want to pay for it separately. Bride and Groom: -shoes and jewelry and hair have to match, my bridal party will expect to have to pay for these unnecessary additions. -whenever my bridemaid disagrees with me it's because she's jealous I'm getting married. -my friend won't mind if I don't mind if I don't invite her significant other, they've only been dating for 6 months. -it's 100% expected to do a dollar dance (or X tradition) because I live in X state, people will be upset if I don't and will definitely be wondering for time to come why we didn't include it. Guests: -weddings never start on time, I can be 15 mins late -I don't have to RSVP, they'll know I'm coming.

THIS ONE is brilliant. And yes.

MGP · March 2014

Wow these are all so great! I will try and make a master list - maybe I can achieve sticky status like some of the greats on this board!

KeptInStitches · March 2014

kmmssg said:

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves

Point of clarification: if bride and groom's hometown is some distance from family, getting married in hometown is not a faux pas, correct? I'm just a little confused.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

KeptInStitches said:

kmmssg said:

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves

Point of clarification: if bride and groom's hometown is some distance from family, getting married in hometown is not a faux pas, correct? I'm just a little confused.

No, my family all live in Idaho, FI family live in Kansas and Nebraska. We are getting married in our hometown. But we don't expect people to come, yet we plan for 100% attendance.

MGP · March 2014

blueeyes90 said:

kmmssg said:

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves

Point of clarification: if bride and groom's hometown is some distance from family, getting married in hometown is not a faux pas, correct? I'm just a little confused.
No, my family all live in Idaho, FI family live in Kansas and Nebraska. We are getting married in our hometown. But we don't expect people to come, yet we plan for 100% attendance.

Unless you will only attend weddings in your hometown, travel is inevitable for most people. I think @kmmssg was referring to when couples make it rudely inconvenient and/or expensive for their guests such as destination weddings that require extensive travel, passports/visas, expensive room blocks at resorts, expectations to spend the whole week, midweek weddings, holiday weekends, etc, etc.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

KeptInStitches said:

kmmssg said:

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves

Point of clarification: if bride and groom's hometown is some distance from family, getting married in hometown is not a faux pas, correct? I'm just a little confused.

I think, and @kmmssg can correct me if I'm wrong, that there are brides and grooms who think that people not attending is saying they don't love the B&G or want to celebrate their wedding when the reality is that the guests can't afford to fly to Turks and Caicos for the DW that isn't even legal (true story).

It's never a faux pas to get married in your hometown, or your FI's hometown, or your college town, or the town where you're living now, or even a DW town that you really love. It's rude to assume that people will willingly give up their money and vacation time to travel to see this wedding and that if they don't, it's because they don't love you.

kmmssg · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

KeptInStitches said:

kmmssg said:

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves
Point of clarification: if bride and groom's hometown is some distance from family, getting married in hometown is not a faux pas, correct? I'm just a little confused.
I think, and @kmmssg can correct me if I'm wrong, that there are brides and grooms who think that people not attending is saying they don't love the B&G or want to celebrate their wedding when the reality is that the guests can't afford to fly to Turks and Caicos for the DW that isn't even legal (true story).

It's never a faux pas to get married in your hometown, or your FI's hometown, or your college town, or the town where you're living now, or even a DW town that you really love. It's rude to assume that people will willingly give up their money and vacation time to travel to see this wedding and that if they don't, it's because they don't love you.

Absolutely no faux pas to get married in your home town. What I was referring to was either crazy expensive DW's, or having your wedding on a weekday and 2 in the afternoon but thinking people don't love you if they don't come to your wedding.

It is cool with me if you live 600 miles from me and plan your wedding where you live. Just because I don't attend doesn't mean I don't love you. Blowing you off when your husband, kid, parents, or you are very ill (or worse), not being there when you REALLY need me, not helping you hide the bodies? That is when you know I don't love you.

MGP · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

KeptInStitches said:

kmmssg said:

Bride and Groom: Regardless of how inconvenient and/or costly we make it for guests to attend our wedding, those who REALLY love us will find a way to be there.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves

Point of clarification: if bride and groom's hometown is some distance from family, getting married in hometown is not a faux pas, correct? I'm just a little confused.

I think, and @kmmssg can correct me if I'm wrong, that there are brides and grooms who think that people not attending is saying they don't love the B&G or want to celebrate their wedding when the reality is that the guests can't afford to fly to Turks and Caicos for the DW that isn't even legal (true story).

It's never a faux pas to get married in your hometown, or your FI's hometown, or your college town, or the town where you're living now, or even a DW town that you really love. It's rude to assume that people will willingly give up their money and vacation time to travel to see this wedding and that if they don't, it's because they don't love you.

Yes, and this can apply for all types of wedding events. Last week I was invited to an (out of town) engagement party with 48 hours notice. Yeah, I was obviously B listed but that's not the point. The point is that the couple (and some of our mutual friends) got upset with me because I declined the invite and didn't understand why I didn't stop everything I was doing to book an all day babysitter and pay her $150, spend $100 in gas and six hours on the road, find a place to stay, and buy them engagement gift off of their Honeyfund (yes, they have one). Believe me this bride would NOT have done the same for me.

Going back to ASSUMPTIONS they assumed that since I don't work that I sit on piles of money and look for things to do to fill my time (the truth can't be further away from this), and that I should have jumped on their invitation. And that since I didn't, they assumed that I don't love them, and that I am a selfish bitch. The reality is that the bride and I are having all sorts of friendship challenges, I have met the groom once, and that it wasn't at the top of my priority list to go out of my way to go to their party. I truly don't understand why this makes me such a terrible person, but apparently I am.

KeptInStitches · March 2014

I follow! Thanks muchly, all.

fleur1870 · March 2014

Guests

- I'm totally invited.

- I should be in your wedding party.

Ahhhh! I'm going through this right now, and I'm just trying to remain polite but vague and let them know we are still in the early stages of planning. (Oh wait, that's true!!) Anyway, I did let her know I was planning on mostly family members for my BMs. Still... :-(

Assumptions are the root of wedding evil

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