Bachelorette Party Issues

BlondieBia21 · March 2014

I am "co-MOH" (as she puts it ha) in my best friend's wedding in May. I am also the only member of her wedding party that is in town so I am planning her shower/bachelorette parties. She said at first that she was going to plan them all so I didn't have to do anything but I told her that that's not correct and explained etiquette wise why so. We were finally on the same page of me planning it all and sending invites. I've asked her what she would like to do and at first it was something simple in town. She has now decided that she wants to go 2 hours away for a night of partying. It is also a big city so hotel rooms that I can find are about $180 for a single king room. I am not sure on the etiquette of getting hotel rooms, do I pay for all the rooms since I'm hosting or can I ask for each person to chip in? I don't want to do that, but she just sent me a list of 30 people she is wanting to invite. 12 of those people include her FMIL and FMIL's friends that FMIL is demanding be invited.

I told BFF that I would probably send the invites out a little earlier than usually would be done since it is going to be OOT. I also said that I would probably call a hotel and reserve a block of rooms, then people can call and change them into their own names/cards because there's no way I can afford that many rooms. She tells me "OH, I forgot to tell you, MIL already did that. She chose the Econolodge." The Econolodge is connected to a truck stop and in the 2nd highest crime rated area of town. (We recently moved from the city she is wanting to have it, back to our home town so we know the areas better.) There is a reason why the rooms there are $100 cheaper than hotels a mile and a half away. I explained that I wouldn't be staying there and my DH wouldn't even let me stay there.

So now I am stuck. I really need some advice/guidance on how I am to handle this situation. It is becoming a disaster and I really want the party to be great for her. I am scared of how the shower will go if the bachelorette party is already becoming this big of a mess.

TL;DR- BFF is wanting to invite 30+ people to bachelorette party 2 hours away. Etiquette wise, how do I handle this as I am the host? Do I need to pay for all rooms/clubs/dinner? FMIL decided to go ahead and book a block of rooms (she wouldn't pay for these rooms BTW) in a crappy motel truckstop in the 2nd highest crime area of the city. What do I do?

AddieCake · March 2014

You need to check with the other invitees how much they are comfortable spending. No, you should not have to cover the cost of the rooms, clubs, or dinner yourself, but nobody should feel pressured to contribute more than they can afford, either. If you give them a breakdown of approximate costs, they can then determine whether or not they can afford the trip. I don't blame you for refusing to stay in a seedy neighborhood, either.

Grabows14 · March 2014

Yea for the 3 I've planned, we would break it down evenly and tell people upfront it's going to be $50 and this is what it will cover. And if that was too much, we would adjust accordingly.. For 30 people it's a bit much to adjust your pricing, so I would get he bridesmaid's input to estimate what the budget would be.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

BlondieBia21 said:

I am "co-MOH" (as she puts it ha) in my best friend's wedding in May. I am also the only member of her wedding party that is in town so I am planning her shower/bachelorette parties. She said at first that she was going to plan them all so I didn't have to do anything but I told her that that's not correct and explained etiquette wise why so. We were finally on the same page of me planning it all and sending invites. I've asked her what she would like to do and at first it was something simple in town. She has now decided that she wants to go 2 hours away for a night of partying. It is also a big city so hotel rooms that I can find are about $180 for a single king room. I am not sure on the etiquette of getting hotel rooms, do I pay for all the rooms since I'm hosting or can I ask for each person to chip in? I don't want to do that, but she just sent me a list of 30 people she is wanting to invite. 12 of those people include her FMIL and FMIL's friends that FMIL is demanding be invited.

I told BFF that I would probably send the invites out a little earlier than usually would be done since it is going to be OOT. I also said that I would probably call a hotel and reserve a block of rooms, then people can call and change them into their own names/cards because there's no way I can afford that many rooms. She tells me "OH, I forgot to tell you, MIL already did that. She chose the Econolodge." The Econolodge is connected to a truck stop and in the 2nd highest crime rated area of town. (We recently moved from the city she is wanting to have it, back to our home town so we know the areas better.) There is a reason why the rooms there are $100 cheaper than hotels a mile and a half away. I explained that I wouldn't be staying there and my DH wouldn't even let me stay there.

So now I am stuck. I really need some advice/guidance on how I am to handle this situation. It is becoming a disaster and I really want the party to be great for her. I am scared of how the shower will go if the bachelorette party is already becoming this big of a mess.

TL;DR- BFF is wanting to invite 30+ people to bachelorette party 2 hours away. Etiquette wise, how do I handle this as I am the host? Do I need to pay for all rooms/clubs/dinner? FMIL decided to go ahead and book a block of rooms (she wouldn't pay for these rooms BTW) in a crappy motel truckstop in the 2nd highest crime area of the city. What do I do?

Run far away from this. Sounds like MIL is overstepping her bounds, and maybe she should plan it. I have heard of inviting mothers to the bachelorette party but never a bunch of the mother's or MIL's friends.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

You're doing this backwards. You need to find out what other people are comfortable contributing, and then from there establish what can be done on that budget.

Your friend doesn't get to decide she wants X,Y and Z and then demand that other people foot the bill for that. That's not how this works.

Also, why in the hell is her FMIL invited to the bachelorette party and why is she inviting HER FRIENDS to this?!

MairePoppy · March 2014

Around here, a bp isn't technically a hosted event. Whoever is organizing the event provides information on the costs to those who will be invited. Each person pays her own way and usually chips in to help with the bride's expenses. It's a good idea to check with the VIPs to make sure the evening is budget friendly.

Since her FMIL has taken over the guest list and hotel block, let her plan the bp. Does FMIL know the hotel is in a bad area?

BlondieBia21 · March 2014

Thank you everyone!

I talked to BFF and explained all my concerns for the event. FMIL is just taking over, she didn't ask BFF if she was invited to come or not. She just went ahead and assumed she was and that her friends would be, as well. I appreciate everyone's advice and guidance.

@Mairepoppy- BFF asked FMIL if she knew where that hotel was and she said "no, it was just the cheapest one so I figured we could get a cab." Whatever.

@hisgirlfriday13- I understand that. The whole entire situation is backwards. BFF isn't demanding anything. She understands that majority of the people won't show up for different reasons.

@skhushbu- Thanks for the suggestion of the courtesy block! I'll check into it!

@laurynm84- I agree FMIL is stepping too far. The reason why I'm not running is because I don't want FMIL to ruin it. She has done numerous hurtful things and extremely judgmental things toward BFF and I have a feeling she is just trying to set the event up to fail.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

BlondieBia21 said:

Thank you everyone!

I talked to BFF and explained all my concerns for the event. FMIL is just taking over, she didn't ask BFF if she was invited to come or not. She just went ahead and assumed she was and that her friends would be, as well. I appreciate everyone's advice and guidance.

@Mairepoppy- BFF asked FMIL if she knew where that hotel was and she said "no, it was just the cheapest one so I figured we could get a cab." Whatever.

@hisgirlfriday13- I understand that. The whole entire situation is backwards. BFF isn't demanding anything. She understands that majority of the people won't show up for different reasons.

@skhushbu- Thanks for the suggestion of the courtesy block! I'll check into it!

@laurynm84- I agree FMIL is stepping too far. The reason why I'm not running is because I don't want FMIL to ruin it. She has done numerous hurtful things and extremely judgmental things toward BFF and I have a feeling she is just trying to set the event up to fail.

WTH!

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

In light of your new information, your friend needs to have a come-to-Jesus conversation with her FI about his mother and her (lack of) boundary issues, because otherwise, the bachelorette party is the LEAST of her effing problems.

Holy. Hannah.

(some of us are going to try to give up swearing for Lent. some of us are starting early. some of us may not make it 40 days without cussing).

BlondieBia21 · March 2014

FMIL has ALWAYS been like this and BFF let's it happen. BFF & Fi have a 16 month old and FMIL is extremely religious. This lady has been TERRIBLE to her. She told her at the time that she shouldn't have a baby shower because the baby was out of wedlock and there was nothing about their situation to celebrate; told her she was going to go to Hell and that their child better be baptized or there'd be no saving him due to his parents. She came to the shower and didn't speak to anyone, she just sat in the corner and left after about 20 minutes. That's a whole different story, though.

She's making a big huff about the wedding to make it "perfect" even after telling BFF that she should just find a dress at Goodwill because her money should go to their child. She has basically taken over all decorating for the wedding because it's like she doesn't trust BFF to do it and she thinks she'll be embarrassed. The whole day has basically became about her but BFF doesn't have the balls to say something and apparently FI doesn't either. BFF & FI have also already purchased their home, but FMIL will not "allow" them to live in it until they're married. So they're paying for a house they can't live in. (Currently live at FMIL/FFIL's and have since before LO was born to save money. They pay rent, but FI isn't allowed in BFF's room vice versa. EVEN to help with the baby, if they have the baby together, they have to be in the living room.)

I've tried to tell BFF that it'll only get worse but she's convinced once they're married everything will be better. I doubt it! It's terrible.

MairePoppy · March 2014

Yikes! Someone should tell that lady that she could go to hell for being mean.

In light of your new information, I think the bp is the least of this brides worries. If the two of them aren't mature enough to move out of mom's house, even though they have a place of their own, they're not ready to get married.

I think I would let FMIL plan away with her friends. I would quietly plan a night out with the bride and her friends.

AddieCake · March 2014

What a hot mess.

erinlin25 · March 2014

holy hell. How old are you guys!? If they have BOUGHT a house she can not forbid them to live there! They bought it, it is theirs! That is ridiculous. They already had a BABY, pretty sure what is done has been done all ready. Your friends FI needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mom. She is way out of line and your BFF needs to not give in to her. Is she paying for the reception/decorations? If not then she does not get say. Why does she and her friends want to go to an OOT bachelorette party and party with her DIL--who she does not really like? That is so weird. The one bachelorette party we had our moms at was a specific mother-daughter spa day. Anyway, I know that is not your business anyway, but wow I had to vent!!

As for your question-- no you do not have to pay for their rooms. Find out who is going to be invited and send them info and get a head count of who is going. Keep in mind with hotel accommodations if someone bails last minute the others in that room are screwed and their cost with go up. Best to have a hotel option but have them book it, figure out roommates if people share rooms, etc so you are not stuck with a bill or the drama.

My bachelorette was OOT for some people and the girls hosting were able to set up a small block that gave us a discount. We booked our rooms separately (ours was coed bach/bachelorette) so some of us were with SOs while others who did not bring SOs shared a room if they chose to.

Jen4948 · March 2014

No, you don't have to pay for their rooms.

That said, I think that your friend's FI needs to have a come-to-Jesus with his mother and stop expecting your friend to lie down and be her doormat, and you need to plan this bachelorette without inviting her FMIL or her friends or letting her take it over. She had no business butting into a party she isn't even invited to much less take over. It's not being thrown for her. If she wants these people to be entertained she can do it on her own time and dime, but she cannot and should not expect you to stay at a hotel in a crime-infested part of town.

If your friend refuses to understand and she and her FI can't and won't maintain reasonable boundaries with his mom, I think you will need to not plan a bachelorette for her.

cruffino · March 2014

What. The. Ever. Loving. Fuck.

They own a house, live with his parents, sleep in separate rooms, and allow the parents to dictate how they care for their child. This bachelorette party is the very least of her problems. I'm actually sad and mad just hearing this story.

Jen4948 · March 2014

BlondieBia21 said:

FMIL has ALWAYS been like this and BFF let's it happen. BFF & Fi have a 16 month old and FMIL is extremely religious. This lady has been TERRIBLE to her. She told her at the time that she shouldn't have a baby shower because the baby was out of wedlock and there was nothing about their situation to celebrate; told her she was going to go to Hell and that their child better be baptized or there'd be no saving him due to his parents. She came to the shower and didn't speak to anyone, she just sat in the corner and left after about 20 minutes. That's a whole different story, though.

She's making a big huff about the wedding to make it "perfect" even after telling BFF that she should just find a dress at Goodwill because her money should go to their child. She has basically taken over all decorating for the wedding because it's like she doesn't trust BFF to do it and she thinks she'll be embarrassed. The whole day has basically became about her but BFF doesn't have the balls to say something and apparently FI doesn't either. BFF & FI have also already purchased their home, but FMIL will not "allow" them to live in it until they're married. So they're paying for a house they can't live in. (Currently live at FMIL/FFIL's and have since before LO was born to save money. They pay rent, but FI isn't allowed in BFF's room vice versa. EVEN to help with the baby, if they have the baby together, they have to be in the living room.)

I've tried to tell BFF that it'll only get worse but she's convinced once they're married everything will be better. I doubt it! It's terrible.

If your BFF and her FI own a house, it is not up to the FMIL whether or not they live in it or what they do in it. These two people need to grow up and put her in her proper place-by moving into the house they own. This is one of the unhealthiest situations I've ever read about. The sooner they're out of there the better for them and the baby.

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