Wedding Etiquette Forum

hurt - late father's wife

Just a vent ---

My dad passed suddenly in Nov.  My step-mom (his third wife, my mom was first) and he were together since around '99 and she always said I was a part of the family just like her girls are.  Lots of time talking about trouble w/ the 2nd wife and how bad it was for me and 3rd wife really stressed having me, and FI, as a part of the family.  She'd even talked to my mom about how much she appreciated the way i was raised (vs. wife 2's kids).  I'd never be the same as her girls, she's very close to them and she raised them, but I felt that I was valued.  I know holiday presents were meticulously equal too. 

We've only communicated a handful of times since the passing, but usually it was more through my dad anyway.  I checked in with her on XMas, NY, and his bday in Feb, plus a fe random times to see how she was doing and we had a decent chat(well, text exchange).   I was generally the one to reach out, though she did "like" some FB posts etc over the past few months.

And then I got her RSVP, marked no. 

I feel like I at least deserve a note.  It is in her town so local.  I get that it might be emotional, actually I recommended she bring her sister as an added support (at least one of her daughters is already a yes so she wouldn't have ever been alone).  Just makes a lot of old words feel so false.  Again, I know it is hard...and i can't presume to know everything she feels, but doesn't she think it's pretty darn hard for me too.  

a freakin' note and i'd be able to let it go.....
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: hurt - late father's wife

  • clg1213 said:
    Just a vent ---

    My dad passed suddenly in Nov.  My step-mom (his third wife, my mom was first) and he were together since around '99 and she always said I was a part of the family just like her girls are.  Lots of time talking about trouble w/ the 2nd wife and how bad it was for me and 3rd wife really stressed having me, and FI, as a part of the family.  She'd even talked to my mom about how much she appreciated the way i was raised (vs. wife 2's kids).  I'd never be the same as her girls, she's very close to them and she raised them, but I felt that I was valued.  I know holiday presents were meticulously equal too. 

    We've only communicated a handful of times since the passing, but usually it was more through my dad anyway.  I checked in with her on XMas, NY, and his bday in Feb, plus a fe random times to see how she was doing and we had a decent chat(well, text exchange).   I was generally the one to reach out, though she did "like" some FB posts etc over the past few months.

    And then I got her RSVP, marked no. 

    I feel like I at least deserve a note.  It is in her town so local.  I get that it might be emotional, actually I recommended she bring her sister as an added support (at least one of her daughters is already a yes so she wouldn't have ever been alone).  Just makes a lot of old words feel so false.  Again, I know it is hard...and i can't presume to know everything she feels, but doesn't she think it's pretty darn hard for me too.  

    a freakin' note and i'd be able to let it go.....
    @clg1213

    I understand where you're coming from and what you're saying but she may just not feel up to going to the wedding. 

    Yes there will be other people she knows there and you said she could bring someone but that may not be the best thing for her. 

    Everyone grieves differently. Just let it be.

    I don't think she needs to give an explanation or a reasoning to why she said no. 

    Maybe wait a few months and then if you two get to talk some more, maybe (and that's a big maybe) ask her about it if it still bothers you.

    Personally, I would let it go although I can see why you would be hurt
  • I think you should call her and just talk to her. If she feels put off or is grieving, and you never call her to see what's up, that sounds like a relationship killer. You don't have to ask her why she said no, but do call her and check on her. Just talk to her from a place of concern and not a place of hurt feelings. "I just wanted to call and check on you. How are things going?" You should learn a lot about her attitude without ever having to refer to the RSVP.
  • Agree with both ladies above.  I understand you are hurt but everyone moves through this journey differently.  She lost her husband unexpectedly (as you lost your dad, I am not diminishing that) and where you want her to be in her grief and in her abilities to interact may just not be where she is right now.

    I agree with @missnc77 - don't ask her why she declinded, but call and see how she is doing and just check in on her.  It might be really therapeutic for both of you.

    I do understand your hurt feelings but I don't think she owes you an explanation.

  • I guess I'm in the minority here.....she's been a parent figure to you for what, 14 years? I know if any of my close family declined our wedding invitation without a reason I'd be confused at the very least. I'm not talking far off aunts and second cousins, for me close family is my grandparents (who raised me), my 2 aunts and uncles. They'd at least let us know why. So I can completely understand you being hurt and confused. Given the circumstances I'd obviously be more forgiving but it wouldn't change my feelings. I would definitely give her a call and see how she is, I'm guessing not that good :/. I'm sorry for your loss.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • OP, I feel your pain. My dad passed on 10/10/12 and my stepmom always told me that she considered me just as much her own child as her two boys (my half-brothers were 4 months old and 4 years old at the time my dad passed).

    Fast forward to settling the estate, where my mom claimed money she was due under their divorce decree, and my stepmom actually got mad at me for not paying out my mom's share of the estate from my share so that her share (the entire residual estate) wouldn't be affected. She said the fact that I didn't give up half of my money so that she and the boys wouldn't lose like 1/20th of theirs proved that I was selfish and didn't love my brothers and so she rescinded the godmother title my father had given me before he passed over his youngest son. And didn't even have the nerve to tell me. I had to hear from a second hand source that another person had been asked to step in as godmother.

    Fast forward another year and we've texted on occasion (mostly for the sake of the boys) and she also declined to attend along with my half brothers. She actually did write a note and gave a reason, but the reason was shaky (she can't make my wedding because she decided to book a vacation with the boys for the week after my wedding and felt that two weeks in a row of travel was too much) and it didn't make it hurt any less.

    At this point, I'm trying not to focus on it and instead redirect my focus to the great people who are actually attending, but I understand where you're coming from and understand how it can hurt when someone leads you to believe they view you as one of their own, only to realize down the road that that was never actually the case.
  • I'm really sorry. I know you must be feeling really hurt and confused. Big internet hugs to you!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • No advice, but big hugs for you.
  • I understand why you are feeling hurt. I'm going to say what other's have said, call her. Have an actual conversation and see how she is doing.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm sorry to hear of your dad's recent passing.

    I disagree with the advice to call her. She RSVP'd "no" and you've received it; she'll know you're calling about her response. You can check in on her later. You could also check in with your stepsisters and see how she is doing.

    She doesn't have to give you a reason, but if you need one, this was my thought:

    When you and FI announced your engagement, she knew that she'd be a part of your day, at your father's side. She'd help where needed, appropriate, and respectful of YOUR mother's role. She'd go to the shower and tell your father how funny it was that you got 2 toasters. She'd pick out a dress to coordinate with her husband's suit, she'd stand and smile while you beamed down the aisle, your father at your side. She'd sway as you and your father danced to "I Loved Her First", and when the night was over, she and your father would float home on the abundance of love they have given and received.

    Except that he won't be there, not in the way any of you thought he would. I can not even imagine how you'll get through the day. Maybe your stepmother can't either, and that's why she made the decision to celebrate from afar. Perhaps this is the way she is showing her affection for you-by not being overwhelmed by sadness and/or pulling focus.

     

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I appreciate all the thoughts.

    I do feel like I've reached out already.  I've checked in several times to see how she'd coping and haven't gotten the same in return at all.  

    I suppose it might have been too hard to deal with the RSVP beyond in the most basic manner possible.  I do still feel like the better answer would have been to make some acknowledgment of the reason (and to recognize that it will be hard for me too), but I guess sometimes we just dont have the strength to do the best thing and opt for what we can handle.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards