Is It Too Late to Back Out?

firebabe6519 · March 2014

Ugh moment! FI and I were planning to attend the wedding of one of his old college buddies. However the absolute disregard of the bride for her guests is beyond irritating.

Gift registries printed on the invitations along with cash requests. Not to mention the atrocious daily Facebook posts and private messages reminding guests / friends to purchase items ONLY from their registry as they "already know what they want."

In addition, B&G are expecting this April. Good for them. But is it really necessary to include an insert in the wedding invite with your baby registries? Or even more irritating to send mass PMs bitching that people are stupid and rude because only two items from the baby registry have been purchased as of yet and clearly your guests should be buying you wedding gifts as well as baby gifts ONLY off of the registry. Gah!

If the wedding is in two weeks, is it too late for us to avoid that mess after FI had already said we would come?

kmmssg · March 2014

Did you know all of this when you RSVP'd yes? Have their actions/entitlements changed since you received the invitation?

SJM7538 · March 2014

What do you mean by too late? No one if forcing you to go to the wedding. If you really don't want to go then call up the couple and say "I'm sorry but something has come up and we can no longer make it." IMO - that is much better than just being a no show and she may be able to save $$ on your meals.

If by too late you mean too late to cancel your RSVP so that the couple doesn't have to pay for you then yes it most likely is too late. My head count had to be in two weeks in advance and we made out final payment a week before.

SJM7538 · March 2014

Just wanted to add - that this wedding sounds like a train wreck

FiancB · March 2014

Oh man. I can deal with registry info on the invite and even cash requests since some people just don't know any better, but the constant reminders and bitching would definitely result in a decline from me. Or at least an off registry gift. Maybe of wine, since she can't have any.

grumbledore · March 2014

Eh I would probably change my RSVP unless one of us was very close to the bride or groom. Sounds awful.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I would also change the RSVP from 'yes' to 'no' -- but with the caveat that this girl sounds like a nightmare (and maybe the groom is, too, I don't know) so this will probably be a friendship-ending move in her opinion, so be prepared for that fallout.

Also be prepared for them to still have to pay for your meals (my venue required final headcount on Thursday for our Sunday wedding, but every venue is different), and for them to still expect 'payment' in the form of wedding and/or baby gifts.

This sounds like a hot mess train wreck, and you have my sympathies.

SBmini · March 2014

You may be missing a marvelous train wreck. But I don't blame you. I wouldn't want anything to do with that couple if she is acting that way.

If you do change your RSVP to no you'll want to think over the reason you give. Ah gee, this thing just came up that we have to do so sorry, or.... you have been so rude to your guests that I don't feel like I was invited to be a part of a celebration, but instead, a means to a gift.

If you do go, you can always do something super passive aggressive such as just give her a card, but as His Girl pointed out- she will say something, perhaps publicly, about your lack of gift. So be prepared for that.

climbingsingle · March 2014

What a hot mess! I'd also change my RVSP to no.

KytchynWitche · March 2014

I would rather have guests change their RSVP at two weeks out than just not show - that way I could at least talk to the venue and/or caterer about not having to pay for those guests anymore, and adjust the seating chart as well. But then, I'm a relatively reasonable person... Your "friend" sounds like she's not.

Change your RSVP, but be prepared for the fall out. Frankly, if she's being this gift-grabby and AWish, I really don't think she's a friend to begin with, so you're probably not losing much if the "friendship" goes south, but she may well badmouth you to all and sundry...

SJM7538 · March 2014

SBmini said:

You may be missing a marvelous train wreck. But I don't blame you. I wouldn't want anything to do with that couple if she is acting that way.

If you do change your RSVP to no you'll want to think over the reason you give. Ah gee, this thing just came up that we have to do so sorry, or.... you have been so rude to your guests that I don't feel like I was invited to be a part of a celebration, but instead, a means to a gift.

If you do go, you can always do something super passive aggressive such as just give her a card, but as His Girl pointed out- she will say something, perhaps publicly, about your lack of gift. So be prepared for that.

Please do not do this. This is horrible advice and means you would be purposely being spiteful.

Change your RSVP, tell them something came up and you can not make it. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If you let them know ahead of time you are being the bigger person instead of just being a "no show" and it may give the couple the opportunity to work with the venue and change their head count.

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

Depending on your relationship with the couple, you might be interested in sending a private message to the bride on Facebook. Something along the lines of this might be ok: "Dear Bride, your invitation and your frequent posts about registries are leading to the perception that you care more about the material things than the people you expect to bring them, and I worry for your relationships with people who should be celebrating your major life events."

Perhaps figure out what to do about the invite based on her response to that kind of thing.

I work with adult learners (sigh) and there's a big difference between telling someone they're being a jerk and telling someone that specific behavior gives the impression of being a jerk. I do believe that people benefit from being admonished and given the opportunity to correct their behavior, although admittedly I'm better at doing that with students than in my own personal relationships where I more commonly use the avoidance tactic.

SBmini · March 2014

SJM7538 said:

show previous quotes

SBmini said:

You may be missing a marvelous train wreck. But I don't blame you. I wouldn't want anything to do with that couple if she is acting that way.

If you do change your RSVP to no you'll want to think over the reason you give. Ah gee, this thing just came up that we have to do so sorry, or.... you have been so rude to your guests that I don't feel like I was invited to be a part of a celebration, but instead, a means to a gift.

If you do go, you can always do something super passive aggressive such as just give her a card, but as His Girl pointed out- she will say something, perhaps publicly, about your lack of gift. So be prepared for that.

Please do not do this. This is horrible advice and means you would be purposely being spiteful.

Change your RSVP, tell them something came up and you can not make it. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If you let them know ahead of time you are being the bigger person instead of just being a "no show" and it may give the couple the opportunity to work with the venue and change their head count.

Of course I wasn't being completely serious.

cruffino · March 2014

hmm, i didn't need to give final numbers until a week out, so i think with 2 weeks notice she might be off the hook for paying for you guys if you decide not to go. either way, make a decision ASAP.

zitiqueen · March 2014

Sorry, but it's too late to back out. You must attend and report back here with all of the details. And take lots of pictures.

firebabe6519 · March 2014

If FI weren't so close of friends with the groom, we wouldn't have been attending in the first place. G is great, and I don't want to compromise his and FI's friendship, but this girl drives me up the wall! I guess I will have to suffer through the train wreck. Wine will be a definite must that night! Lol

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

firebabe6519 said:

If FI weren't so close of friends with the groom, we wouldn't have been attending in the first place. G is great, and I don't want to compromise his and FI's friendship, but this girl drives me up the wall! I guess I will have to suffer through the train wreck. Wine will be a definite must that night! Lol

Bring cash, just in case.

phira · March 2014

Maybe your fiance can attend, but you suddenly have a work thing.

singinchick13 · March 2014

If you can't change your RSVP, it isn't the end of the world. FI and I RSVP'd yes to my cousin's wedding last summer, which was over an hour car ride away. I was seven months pregnant at the time and on the day of the wedding, baby turned breech and was trying to jam his head into my ribcage. It literally felt like I had broken a rib. We decided not to go; I didn't want to move at all let alone endure an hour long car ride twice. It really was not a big deal as there was no seated meal to be paid for or anything.

photokitty · March 2014

Has the rsvp due date passed already? If it has, it would be rude to back out. You still can, but they will probably still have to pay for your meals. It's one of those two wrings situation :-\

Is It Too Late to Back Out?

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