Mom is paying, but she keeps suggesting tacky/rude things...

Re: Mom is paying, but she keeps suggesting tacky/rude things...

• KittyKaty20 member

  

  March 2014

  Maybe use the phrase "hosted bar" instead of "open bar." It seems a little less expensive and more hospitable in phrasing.

  I would gently tell her that it is not polite or classy to put registry information on the wedding invitations. If she is paying for most of it, that would usually make her the hostess, although that's not always the case. Tell her that this wedding and reception will reflect on the way you were raised, and she raised a courteous woman who wants to make sure her guests are well-cared for.  

  

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• phira member

  

  March 2014

  It's not clear how much control over the wedding she expects to have. Did you talk about it when she offered to pay for the wedding?

  
  

  I agree with @KittyKaty20. "Hosted bar" sounds sooooo much fancier and less drunk. When I hear open bar, I think about people getting tanked, whereas hosted bar makes me think of a classy event where I'm treated to a delicious meal and cocktails. Semantics, maybe, but it's effective.

  
  

  I think it's hard to know how else to advise you without a little more insight into your dynamic and how likely it is that your mom is going to pull funding if you don't take her suggestions. How much of a hand does she have in planning besides asking you about it?

  
  

  One of my favorite articles on OffbeatBride had a great general suggestion for how to deal with all the suggestions from people that you don't want to listen to. You thank them for the suggestion and say you'll think about it, then you write it down in an Excel file or Google spreadsheet (the idea and who suggested it), and then you forget about it. The person who wrote the article mentioned that she did end up using some of the suggestions people gave her, but mostly, the feeling she gave them (that she had listened to their suggestion and was going to write it down) basically wrapped up most of the suggestions so she didn't have to defend her choices.

  
  

  I ended up having to do that with a person who just KEPT telling me which vendors I should use, no matter how many times I insisted I wasn't using real flowers.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• classyduck member

  

  March 2014

  Well, mom didn't really ask for any input... she offered to help of course. I was basically just trying to be courteous and give her an update on how I was doing. But then she interjected her opinion. She let it go ultimately, but she still seemed dissatisfied, and I have this feeling it will come back up. I think she is more worried about people getting drunk than the money, but the money is a more concrete argument (its HERS), and she's a shrewd arguer. She's not afraid to play that card. I guess I don't just want to be happily planning away with the freedom she implied I had from the start, just to suddenly have this kind of interference. Oi. Maybe this is less of a wedding problem and more of a mother-daughter problem.

  
  

  Other things she's been more receptive on -- for example, she pretty readily accepted, after I explained, that the registry on the invite is a no-no.

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• phira member

  

  March 2014

  Hm. Maybe talk to her about having a limited open bar, or making sure bartenders know to cut people off if they seem intoxicated? Another way to reduce the number of faced guests would be to NOT have any transportation from the venue to a hotel (more people will need to be designated drivers). Based on what you said about about the registry info, it sounds like this is less of an etiquette faux pas issue and more of a, "Let's find ways to have fewer drunk people" issue.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• dolewhipper member

  

  March 2014

  One of my BMs just got married and her grandmother paid for most of it, and had the same issues with open bar. As the bride and groom are both bartenders and have a lot of hospitality friends (who are known to have a drink or 5), I understood where she came from. They had a wine and beer hosted bar, and no one got to the point of drunkenness. Perhaps this is a happy medium?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• cruffino member

  

  March 2014

  I thanked people for their suggestions and let them know I'd think about it....then promptly forgot about it.
  
  Since it's your mom and not a rando though, I would bluntly ask her if she was happy with how I was spending her money. I would let her know that I appreciated her generosity and that I wanted us to be on the same page about hosting people graciously.

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• JaxInBlue member

  

  March 2014

  Agree with phira and shannonmaya - a limited hosted bar might be a really good compromise for you.  DH and I hosted beer and wine rather than a full bar at our reception (since my mom was similarly concerned about people over-indulging).  Our venue was great about working with us to determine how much beer and wine we'd need for the evening and we didn't have any issues.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• emmaaa mod

  

  March 2014

  I'm having a limited open bar, beer and wine only. It is less expensive and we won't have to worry about any "hard" alcohol (unless people bring their own, which is likely). I agree with PPs and think you should tell her that you appreciate her opinion and will think about it. Then when/if it is brought up just tell her that you have thought about it and would really prefer to x,y, and z instead to better host your guests. If she is dissatisfied with that then maybe you could offer to pay for that part?

  Also, consider the fact that people get drunk all the time in bars and restaurants where they pay for their drinks and are likely to do the same at your wedding regardless of it being a cash bar. If someone wants to drink, then they will drink.

  
  

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• FiancB member

  

  March 2014

  I like the suggestion of hosted bar as opposed to open bar, and that maybe not having hard alcohol would make her feel better. Overall I'm getting the impression that she's giving you pretty free rein, so I wouldn't worry about her throwing a stink too much. If all she did was wrinkle her nose, she will probably come around. Will your venue have security? Maybe it'll help to remind her that the security there will throw someone out if they get too crazy.

  
  

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• classyduck member

  

  March 2014

  These are really awesome suggestsions everyone, thank you! I think you are right, "hosted" sounds better and subtly reinforced our role as hosts, and I think conveys my wish to be hospitable. Also, I will definitely consider seriously the wine and beer limited bar, I never even thought of that.

  
  

  The ironic thing is she's German and regards "beer as food" hah, I think the limited bar will really appeal to her.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  March 2014

  What if you pay for the "hosted bar" then she has no control over it? It does seem silly if she gave you a certain amount of money and you are under budget then what's the problem? My mom was kind of the same way, she thought an open bar was a waste of money because you are paying per person (on average about 4 drinks per person) and we have some people (her, my sister, my aunt) that probably will have 1 alcoholic drink at most.  But she gave us a certain amount of money, and I'm paying a good portion of well, so I just say I'm paying for the open bar.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• KittyKaty20 member

  

  March 2014

  One of the things we are doing to limit the drunkenness factor is to plan our signature cocktail to be served during the cocktail hour, then beer/wine after that. We won't have hard alcohol onceour mixed drink runs out-and bartenders should be told "No Shots!" 

  

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• CMGragain member

  

  March 2014

  Tell Mom that you are paying professional bartenders, and that they will cut off anyone who gets drunk.
  Yes, if you are accepting money from your mother, she gets some say in things.  She should be credited as hosting your wedding.  How lucky you are!
  

  

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• classyduck member

  

  March 2014

  Oh man, I'm super lucky, with my parents. They have somehow managed to be very generous with their money, in my adult life-- yet they have raised me to be very mindful, responsible, and most importantly SMART with my money! So yes, very lucky indeed, in multiple ways. I count my blessings.

  
  

  However, one thing mom and I have been "blessed" with is anxiety. It is something I struggle with, and I know she also struggles with -- but probably isn't as aware of as me. I try to make allowances for that. This is probably one of those situations.

  
  

  I've gotten fantastic suggestions in this thread -- and it should be known that my mom is NOT stingy or indifferent about being a bad hostess, she is just unfortunately misinformed--and also perhaps a bit stubborn. But, she is very courteous, when she is informed (convinced) of the standards of etiquette.

  
  

  Part of this is also hard, because the money is really "dad's" in the sense that he was the one that earned it -- but he would NEVER begrudge my mother's use of it--nor do I. But, if he were here, he would pat me on the head with a smile and tell me to do what makes me happy, trusting me to spend it wisely, and I would. The scrutiny from mom stings a bit. In my adult life, I've never really given her reason to doubt my spending habits.

  
  

  Mother-daughter relationships are so complicated. Why can't we just love each other plainly? Does that even make sense? it does to me, I guess.

  
  

  Anyway, thanks to all for the excellent advice and suggestions. I'm sure she will be very happy with how the money is spent with one of these options, and so will I!

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