Father In Law is a Preacher

ksnell13 · March 2014

I need some advice. My future FIL is a Baptist preacher. My FH is a Baptist as well, not a preacher tho. I was raised as a Catholic. I'm not a practicing Catholic and I am willing to convert to be a Baptist. My FIL was going to marry us, but know he is saying that he isn't going to because I'm not a baptist and he says "we aren't of the same yolk." To me this means that we both believe in God, and we don't have to be the same religion. My FIL says we aren't ready to get married until I convert to be a Baptist. What does everyone else think?
TIA!

AddieCake · March 2014

What does your fiance think?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

ksnell13 said:

I need some advice. My future FIL is a Baptist preacher. My FH is a Baptist as well, not a preacher tho. I was raised as a Catholic. I'm not a practicing Catholic and I am willing to convert to be a Baptist. My FIL was going to marry us, but know he is saying that he isn't going to because I'm not a baptist and he says "we aren't of the same yolk." To me this means that we both believe in God, and we don't have to be the same religion. My FIL says we aren't ready to get married until I convert to be a Baptist. What does everyone else think?
TIA!

Uhm, first of all, you mean 'yoke' (as in something that binds two things together), not 'yolk' (as in the stuff that feeds an embryo in an egg).

Second of all, I am a practising Catholic, so take this for what it's worth -- if you marry outside the Church, you'll be out of Communion with the Church. You won't be able to take the Sacraments, you won't be able to participate in the Eucharist, etc. That's a big deal

But if you're not a practising Catholic now, maybe it's not a big deal to you. I don't know.

I do, however, know that this isn't your FFIL's decision. It's yours. Yours alone. Not even your FI gets a say in what religious choices YOU make for YOURSELF. Now, if we're talking about how you're going to raise your kids, then yes, obviously he gets a huge say in that.

I think your FFIL is being a blow-hard dickhead is what I think, personally. If he doesn't want to marry you, fine, find another preacher who will and have him attend as a guest. But don't let him bully you into changing your religion just because it's what HE thinks you should do.

What does your FI think about your religious choices and his father's asshattery?

GBCK · March 2014

Do you WANT your FIL to be the preacher?

Because...he already has a role in this wedding--father of the groom.

He doesn't need the role of pastor too.

Honestly, I've seen dad/pastor a lot and, overall, I don't like it.
It tends to make the marriage feel like it was Daddy's idea or it has to conform to Daddy's ideal. And it tends to make the focus on one half of the couple and them 'coming' to the other half's side--instead of it being on 2 people leaving their own sides and coming together.

More than 4 pastors in the world?

ksnell13 · March 2014

My fiance understand where I'm coming from and he really wants his dad to marry us. I've told both of them that I would be willing to be converted to Baptist but it's just going to take time. I've been believing the same things for my whole life and it's going to be hard to change that. And I don't have a problem with raising our future kids as being a Baptist. We are getting married in 7 months and this is just now being brought up.

GBCK · March 2014

so...you're not speaking as someone who is moving from a loss of faith to a new faith to embrace, you're speaking as someone who has a faith basis and is trying to change her beliefs to fit a new one?

Because that's what I"m picking up from what you're laying down.

And that's a recipe for disaster.

(Also, FWIW, while 'unequally yolked' is a thing--and not a 'to be sneezed at thing', even in the most fundie circles I've run in [and this includes baptist fundies], *MOST* protestant ministers won't consider 2 committed people who happen to be different denominations of Christian who have adequate plans for meeting in the middle 'unequally yolked'. The fact that FIL is considering that is a red flag in and of itself.

Also, FWIW, is he doing your premarital counseling [making him privy to the 'adequate plans to meet in the middle']? Because...he shouldn't.)

ksnell13 · March 2014

I'm saying that I was baptized as a Catholic as a child. I haven't been a practicing Catholic for a long time. I have been attending church with my FH ( at his dad's church). Yes, I do believe in God, and I would consider myself as a Christian. I wouldn't mind for my FIL to marry us, but he is acting this way and I don't like the way he is acting. I feel like he is trying to pressure me into something that I'm not ready for. I'm not saying that I would never be ready for it, but at this moment in time I'm not. Its going to take time. Either way this goes, I'm going to upset somebody. Either my FH by saying your dad isn't going to marry us, or my FIL because I'm not ready to become a Baptist yet.

AuntFlo · March 2014

You lost me at @ "yolk". I'm crying over here.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

The more you post, the more red flags I see and the more concerned I get.

If you're seven months out, this shouldn't just now be being brought up by ANYONE.

If your FH is so dead-set on his father marrying you, then he needs to man-up, grow a spine, and say, 'Dad, in order for you to marry us, you have to accept ksnell13's current religious beliefs, which include not being re-baptised Baptist. That's the deal.'

It concerns me that your FI doesn't seem to have your back in this, it concerns me that your FFIL is pushing his religious beliefs on you when you're not ready, it concerns me that it seems like you're being asking to give up something you do still believe to conform to what your FILs believe.

Also, I'm with @GBCK -- not a fan of pastor-parents performing the wedding ceremony in any way, shape or form. It always seems too much skewed to whichever half of the couple is the pastor's kid, and that just bugs me.

GBCK · March 2014

ok, everything you're feeling uncomfortable about w/ your FIL? every reason to feel uncomfortable.

He's asking you to commit to his religion in order to commit to his son...and that's reason enough to run screaming to another preacher.

Honestly, EVERYTHING about him being the preacher puts his nose to far into your business as a couple. It means he doesn't have the professional distance to do the right thing in his role as pastor or the closeness to take on his role as dad.

But honestly, me telling you that doesn't work unless your FI is willing to see it.

(and if he's not...that's it's own flag)

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

GBCK said:

ok, everything you're feeling uncomfortable about w/ your FIL? every reason to feel uncomfortable.

He's asking you to commit to his religion in order to commit to his son...and that's reason enough to run screaming to another preacher.
Honestly, EVERYTHING about him being the preacher puts his nose to far into your business as a couple. It means he doesn't have the professional distance to do the right thing in his role as pastor or the closeness to take on his role as dad.

But honestly, me telling you that doesn't work unless your FI is willing to see it.
(and if he's not...that's it's own flag)

TEN MILLION TIMES THIS.

emmyg65 · March 2014

There are lots of very personal reasons to convert one's religion, many of which one comes to after much thought. So your FFIL can marry you is not a very good one.

You are right to feel uncomfortable about his intrusion on your inner life, his ignorance, and his insistence that you convert before your ready. And I'm dismayed that your FI isn't supporting you better.

Please think about whether your FI supports you in general, or if there are other ways that his family is overstepping their boundaries, and consider whether you want to be in a relationship like that.

MrsAitch · March 2014

If you want to become a baptist, why don't you just talk to him about what you would need to do in order to join their church? In a lot of churches, in order to join, you just attend for a while, meet with the pastor a few times to learn about the church doctrine, and then interview with the pastor and elders to make sure you understand and agree with and believe the basics of the church doctrine and they will come to a decision about whether or not you're ready to join. It's not a short, simple process, but it's not too extensive either, and it would be possible for you to do this before the wedding. It might be a bit harder for you, having been raised Catholic, than for someone raised in another Protestant faith, but if you've attended their church and shown interest in joining, I don't see why there would be a problem.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

MrsAitch said:

If you want to become a baptist, why don't you just talk to him about what you would need to do in order to join their church? In a lot of churches, in order to join, you just attend for a while, meet with the pastor a few times to learn about the church doctrine, and then interview with the pastor and elders to make sure you understand and agree with and believe the basics of the church doctrine and they will come to a decision about whether or not you're ready to join. It's not a short, simple process, but it's not too extensive either, and it would be possible for you to do this before the wedding. It might be a bit harder for you, having been raised Catholic, than for someone raised in another Protestant faith, but if you've attended their church and shown interest in joining, I don't see why there would be a problem.

Because she's not ready to yet:

ksnell13 said:

My fiance understand where I'm coming from and he really wants his dad to marry us. I've told both of them that I would be willing to be converted to Baptist but it's just going to take time. I've been believing the same things for my whole life and it's going to be hard to change that. And I don't have a problem with raising our future kids as being a Baptist. We are getting married in 7 months and this is just now being brought up.

She said in a follow-up post that she wasn't ready yet, which is fine. Her FFIL and FI need to stop pressuring her to make a decision she's not ready for.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

ksnell13 said:

I'm saying that I was baptized as a Catholic as a child. I haven't been a practicing Catholic for a long time. I have been attending church with my FH ( at his dad's church). Yes, I do believe in God, and I would consider myself as a Christian. I wouldn't mind for my FIL to marry us, but he is acting this way and I don't like the way he is acting. I feel like he is trying to pressure me into something that I'm not ready for. I'm not saying that I would never be ready for it, but at this moment in time I'm not. Its going to take time. Either way this goes, I'm going to upset somebody. Either my FH by saying your dad isn't going to marry us, or my FIL because I'm not ready to become a Baptist yet.

Are either of them the slightest bit worried about upsetting you?

CaliMel11 · March 2014

If you're not ready to convert yet, then don't convert. I would find a different preacher.
For one thing, a good preacher will not pressure you to convert to their religion. A good preacher wants a congregation of people who choose the religion they are in, and has thought about it carefully to convert. They don't pressure you or force you to make a decision.

You're marrying his son. I would say the bigger issue is, does his family love and accept you for who you are? Does your fiance? Is is a dealbreaker if you decide not to convert? Because really, you both believe in God, so to me I don't really see why they are forcing you to convert so quickly.

I think it's better if you discuss having someone else who is not related to him to do the ceremony.
The thing is, you should be able to work together to figure out a solution here. That's the whole point of being married.

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