Guest List Question-Update My Sorority Said to just charge for the wedding

raeah219 · March 2014

First I want to apologize for asking so many questions today. Im trying to wrap my mind around teh possibility of having the intimate DW that I want with the traditional things my FI wants. So if we do the DW we are going to have to chop our guestlist from 125 to 35 to host them properly and have the vibe that we want. I am in a sorority and I have 27 sisters that entered the sorority with me. We are all very close, I am of course closer to some than others but we all have a bond. Anyway, I decided that if we do decide to cut the list down to 35 that I just wont invite any of them to keep things fair and not hurt any feelings. The only issue is that two of our groomsmen seriously date two of my sorority sisters so according to etiquette I have to invite them. I feel like this is going to cause hurt feelings and tension. Is there any way around it?

UPDATE: **I had to share this*

I called one of my sorority sisters to get her opinion on not inviting everybody and she said I should just charge people. LOL!!! NO!!!! If she ever gets engaged Im directing her right over to these boards

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

raeah219 said:

First I want to apologize for asking so many questions today. Im trying to wrap my mind around teh possibility of having the intimate DW that I want with the traditional things my FI wants. So if we do the DW we are going to have to chop our guestlist from 125 to 35 to host them properly and have the vibe that we want. I am in a sorority and I have 27 sisters that entered the sorority with me. We are all very close, I am of course closer to some than others but we all have a bond. Anyway, I decided that if we do decide to cut the list down to 35 that I just wont invite any of them to keep things fair and not hurt any feelings. The only issue is that two of our groomsmen seriously date two of my sorority sisters so according to etiquette I have to invite them. I feel like this is going to cause hurt feelings and tension. Is there any way around it?

But the sorority sisters would be invited as guests of their SO, the GMs. You wouldn't be sending a separate invite to the sisters, you would invite them by name on the GMs' invite.

antoto · March 2014

If it were me I would invite the ones you're closest to and skip the ones you have lost touch with. Our of my 3 freshman year roommates I only invited 2. The 3rd one knew, but she knows that we NEVER talk.

This is your wedding, not just a random party. Invite the people you want there, skip the ones that don't need to be. I think you might regret it if you didn't invite someone that you're really close to.

cowgirl8238 · March 2014

Honeslty, I don't see an option. If you want to properly host everyone (with food and cake and drink) on a budget the easiest way is to cut the guest list. Since they are SO I think you are fine here. Not inviting any (as in inviting within circles) is the easiest way to make a clear cut-off. If they complain they are being rude.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

I don't see any way around this. Those sorority sisters are part of a social unit with the GM. But it will be hard to message this, right? If any other sisters ask why those two are invited (and they shouldn't, but they might) the honest answer is, "Because they're dating GM." But if you say that, you risk hurting the feelings of the two who are invited, because they'll feel like they're just dates, not there as friends.

Can you possibly draw a circle among your sorority sisters? Are there just a few you are closest with?

If not, just say, "We had to keep the wedding small" and leave it at that.

phira · March 2014

Yeah, you have to invite those two women, since they are in relationships with people you are inviting. That's good news, in a way: the decision is out of your hands!

I think that one of the tough things when you're trying to plan an event like this is, "How do I make sure no one's feelings are hurt?" The answer, though, is, "You can't. Be polite, observe good etiquette, and try to be the kind of host you wish other people would be. People's feelings will still get hurt, but you can't control that."

You can't invite everyone. You're not trying to hurt anyone, and while obviously intentions don't prevent hurt feelings, you cannot be expected to invite every last sorority sister when it's not in your budget.

Inkdancer · March 2014

I am sure that your sorority sisters will understand that you had to limit your guest list, and only invite the two who are dates of the groomsmen. It is perfectly okay to do this.

And we truly don't mind all the questions... we're here to help!

phira · March 2014

Huh. Yeah, if she ever gets married and invites you, be on the look out for the cost of admission!

lyndausvi · March 2014

raeah219 said:

First I want to apologize for asking so many questions today. Im trying to wrap my mind around teh possibility of having the intimate DW that I want with the traditional things my FI wants. So if we do the DW we are going to have to chop our guestlist from 125 to 35 to host them properly and have the vibe that we want. I am in a sorority and I have 27 sisters that entered the sorority with me. We are all very close, I am of course closer to some than others but we all have a bond. Anyway, I decided that if we do decide to cut the list down to 35 that I just wont invite any of them to keep things fair and not hurt any feelings. The only issue is that two of our groomsmen seriously date two of my sorority sisters so according to etiquette I have to invite them. I feel like this is going to cause hurt feelings and tension. Is there any way around it?

UPDATE: **I had to share this*
I called one of my sorority sisters to get her opinion on not inviting everybody and she said I should just charge people. LOL!!! NO!!!! If she ever gets engaged Im directing her right over to these boards

LOL

princessleia22 · March 2014

With destination wedding, or even with a very small intimate wedding, most people tend to understand that you can't invite everyone and are more accepting if they are excluded. If anyone asks, just tell them that you are having a very small wedding and had to limit the guest list... no other explanation should be needed or given. The 2 sorority sisters are technically being invited as SO/guests of the groomsmen, so you should be fine with not inviting rest of them. And if anyone specifically asks about that scenario, which they really shouldn't, and you feel you need to explain, I would just say that they were included since the couple is mutual friends of both bride and groom.

CMGragain · March 2014

Destination wedding pro - You can get an exotic and beautiful site for your wedding ceremony.

Destination wedding cons - It is inconvenient for most of your guests to travel to attend.
                                        It is expensive for your guests to travel to attend.
                                        Some of your guests will need to use valuable vacation time to attend.
                                        Not everyone will like your choice of destinations.
                                        Some guests may be unable to attend for medical reasons that wouldn't be a problem if the ceremony was local.
                                         Depending on your location, there may be legal hassles. (Mexico!)

I would weigh the above when deciding. I do not like destination weddings. I think weddings should be centered around the families and the guests. So many brides want to have another "wedding reception" when they return. (No!) This is all just my own opinion, but please think about it.

raeah219 · March 2014

@cmgragain the location we are considering is only three hours away. Ppl won't have to take the weekend off unless they really want to and thanks for your opinion but there are a lot more pros that u left off and my posts wasn't about whether or not to have a DW. It was about my guest list

Maggie0829 · March 2014

raeah219 said:

@cmgragain the location we are considering is only three hours away. Ppl won't have to take the weekend off unless they really want to and thanks for your opinion but there are a lot more pros that u left off and my posts wasn't about whether or not to have a DW. It was about my guest list

Sorry but 3 hours is a good distance for people to drive home after your reception is over with. Most of your guests will most likely come in the night before and stay the night of your wedding and drive home the day after. I don't know many people who will be happy driving 3 hours home after a reception that may end at 8 or 9pm, especially if they had to make the 3 hour drive in that morning.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

CMGragain said:

Destination wedding pro - You can get an exotic and beautiful site for your wedding ceremony.

Destination wedding cons - It is inconvenient for most of your guests to travel to attend.
                                        It is expensive for your guests to travel to attend.
                                        Some of your guests will need to use valuable vacation time to attend.
                                        Not everyone will like your choice of destinations.
                                        Some guests may be unable to attend for medical reasons that wouldn't be a problem if the ceremony was local.
                                         Depending on your location, there may be legal hassles. (Mexico!)

I would weigh the above when deciding. I do not like destination weddings. I think weddings should be centered around the families and the guests. So many brides want to have another "wedding reception" when they return. (No!) This is all just my own opinion, but please think about it.

I am of the same opinion. I guess if it works for you, but my cousin had a destination wedding in Costa Rica which meant we couldn't attend. It was during summer, but I had an internship that was hopefully building my resume and references and I had already taken a few days off for our family reunion. My parents could go, but my dad didn't want to spend his vacation on it. Apparently my uncle was huffy about us not wanting to see his son get married. Weddings are huge (relatively) family events. Every other cousin has invited the whole family at a local place and the week turns into a reunion with the wedding celebrated. This cousin invited the whole family and no one from our side came. We were the only part of the family who could afford it, so uncle got huffy with us.Relationship is now mended, but it was rocky for a bit.

(Though they didn't do an at-home reception.)

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

raeah219 said:

@cmgragain the location we are considering is only three hours away. Ppl won't have to take the weekend off unless they really want to and thanks for your opinion but there are a lot more pros that u left off and my posts wasn't about whether or not to have a DW. It was about my guest list

Sorry but 3 hours is a good distance for people to drive home after your reception is over with. Most of your guests will most likely come in the night before and stay the night of your wedding and drive home the day after. I don't know many people who will be happy driving 3 hours home after a reception that may end at 8 or 9pm, especially if they had to make the 3 hour drive in that morning.

So I did a lot of driving in undergraduate school and summers. To visit family is a 10 hour drive that we usually do twice a summer. Visiting home from school meant leaving Friday and driving seven hours and then driving back on Sunday. I drove to Colorado from OR two summers ago for an internship (20 hours in two days). I have driven to California twice from OR (and back) in the last two years, 12 hours.

I really am undaunted by a longer drive if I have someone with me. But if I was going to a wedding 3 hours away and the wedding started before 5pm, I would be for sure driving up the night before. I don't want to drive in my nice clothes. I normally drive in sweatpants and a tshirt. I don't want to be thinking about my makeup in the car. If I'm not driving, I sleep which would mess up my hair. So the night before it is. Also, after a night of drinking and eating, we would not be driving home after the reception. So that would be two nights at a hotel.

For some they would drive up that day, but I know I'm tired after a drive. So I think that if I chose to drive the day of your wedding, I would be tired and probably leave sooner.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

I must say that 6 hrs total of driving is much better than paying air fare to go to some other out of state location and having a DW in another country is an even bigger pain in the ass because of passports and all the legal stuff for the bride and groom. As someone who dreads having to go to DWs for close friends I'll take a 3 hr road trip over DWs where I have to fly and take off wrk.

That said OP I think you and fi need to write out a list of the most important aspects of your wedding. If you want a dw keep in mind you may still get a small wedding because it will be harder for people to come and these could be your VIPs. If you have a local wedding, your VIPs are more likely to come but then you have to deal with the people who aren't invited. Whatever you decide, if there are guests then they must be properly hosted. As for your sorority sisters not all of them if any should expect an invite. Speaking from someone who has a few close knit church communities, I'd invite only your closest sisters and I'd do it privately.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

OP, I'm sorry you're getting so much flack for having a DW, as I'm sure you were well aware of the consequences of having your wedding that is a considerable distance from your guests, and I know your original question is about your sorority sisters. FWIW, the further distance I could drive without minding it at all is about 7 hours (and I've done it many times). Everybody is different.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

JellyBean52513 said:
OP, I'm sorry you're getting so much flack for having a DW, as I'm sure you were well aware of the consequences of having your wedding that is a considerable distance from your guests, and I know your original question is about your sorority sisters. FWIW, the further distance I could drive without minding it at all is about 7 hours (and I've done it many times). Everybody is different.

Hope u don't mind if I piggyback off you and say that a three hour drive dw seems more doable for guests

APDSS22 · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

raeah219 said:

@cmgragain the location we are considering is only three hours away. Ppl won't have to take the weekend off unless they really want to and thanks for your opinion but there are a lot more pros that u left off and my posts wasn't about whether or not to have a DW. It was about my guest list

Sorry but 3 hours is a good distance for people to drive home after your reception is over with. Most of your guests will most likely come in the night before and stay the night of your wedding and drive home the day after. I don't know many people who will be happy driving 3 hours home after a reception that may end at 8 or 9pm, especially if they had to make the 3 hour drive in that morning.

*raises hand* I've done a 3 hour one way drive many times and driven back that same day. Once for a wedding. Most of the time just to see my grandma. We weighed driving to and from the wedding in one night and getting to sleep in our own beds with having to hassle with a hotel room, which would also have involved overnight boarding for our dog. Since I don't usually drink, we didn't have to worry about designated driver. Obviously, not everyone would make that choice or have the same feelings about a 3 hour one way drive, especially driving home after an evening reception.

OP, hopefully your sorority sisters won't be so rude as to question you about the invitation of the 2 sisters who would be coming with the groomsmen. I would stick with what other PPs have said about keeping the guest list small and not being able to invite everyone.

lyndausvi · March 2014

My weddings was 3-4 hours from the majority of our guests. The others were even farther away.

95% of our guests stayed in hotels. Of those, 60+% stayed for 2 nights even though our wedding was at 5pm.

happywiggle · March 2014

antoto said:

If it were me I would invite the ones you're closest to and skip the ones you have lost touch with. Our of my 3 freshman year roommates I only invited 2. The 3rd one knew, but she knows that we NEVER talk.

This is your wedding, not just a random party. Invite the people you want there, skip the ones that don't need to be. I think you might regret it if you didn't invite someone that you're really close to.

I'm a bit late to the party on this... OP, as someone who is also in a sorority, I just wanted to say @antono 's suggestion is great.

FWIW, I'm only inviting the 4-5 sorority sisters I'm closest to, and my FI's only inviting a few of his fraternity brothers. We based our decision on those in our houses that we could not imagine not spending that day with us.

raeah219 · March 2014

The problem is that I havent really "lost touch" with any of them. We are all still pretty young. I've only been out of undergrad for 3 years so we all still see each other often. There are some that I talk to more than others though

Amyzen83 · March 2014

That is tough? By any chance are any of your sisters besties of yours?

raeah219 · March 2014

No my bestfriends arent in my sorority @amyzen83 but some of us are still close

Guest List Question-Update My Sorority Said to just charge for the wedding

Re: Guest List Question-Update My Sorority Said to just charge for the wedding

Choose Another Board

Search Boards