Is this rude?

CrazyCatLady3 · March 2014

My FMIL is having a "family party" the week before our wedding which is sort of in place of an RD (we're not having a rehearsal), except the wedding party is not invited (a whole other story). I looked at the party menus for the place she is having it and there are a lot of veal options on the menu. The way it works is that you would pick 3 choices from each category, so under the meat category, there are several chicken, beef, veal etc. options. I personally think that veal is one of the cruelest-produced meats (calves taken from their mothers and put in a dark crate where they can't turn around so the meat stays light colored and tender), and would feel really bad if it were served at a party in honor of FI and me. Would it be rude to ask FMIL not to choose one of the veal options from the party menu? I know she eats it because she has ordered it when I have been out to eat with her before. If this were just a random party I was going to I wouldn't say anything, but since it is a party in honor of our wedding I feel like this is different.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

You can let your wishes be known to the host and hope that they honor your wishes, but if she's hosting and paying for the party then ultimately she has the most say in what is served.

Also, is this opposition to veal your personal thing, or does your FI share the same view? I ask, because you first said "I personally think that veal is one of the cruelest-produced meats," but then afterwards you referenced the partying being in honor of the both you. If this is just your personal vendetta against veal, then I don't think you have much of a leg to stand on.

It's not like you're a strict vegetarian and someone is throwing a party in your honor with only meat as the meal options. It's one dish and you have the option not to eat it.

erinlin25 · March 2014

Since she is paying/hosting she gets to choose the menu. If there were no other options for you and your guests to choose from then I would say something, but really you probably will not even notice if anyone does choose it and if they do choose they have the right to eat it. Just because you do not like something does not mean everyone at the table needs to avoid it.

lyndausvi · March 2014

I would more than likely say something like " I took a look at the menu and I would prefer no pork option". Then leave it at that.

peachy0722 · March 2014

If it were me, I'd definitely tell her you'd prefer to not have a veal option on the menu, and nicely explain your concerns, all while thanking her for hosting. Just be as nice as you possibly can be about it. Unless she's just a complete veal-enthusiast and can't imagine an evening without it, she'll probably be fine with something else instead.

But my opinion is a little biased because I'm vegetarian and share your concerns. If someone insisted on having veal in my honor, I'd be really upset.

QueerFemme · March 2014

I would tell her that you prefer veal not be on the menu. You don't really get to control the menu, since you aren't hosting or paying for it, but if you voice your concerns, hopefully she will respect them.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

While I agree with you, I think you're on shaky ground dictating to your FMIL what she can and can't serve at a party she's hosting.

Since its in your honour, you could have your FI tell her, 'We would prefer that veal not be an option at our party.' If it comes from him, she might be OK with it.

If it were for religious reasons, like no pork because you're Jewish, that would at least be a reasonable excuse. Not that ethical ones aren't, but they're more tenuous.

peachy0722 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
While I agree with you, I think you're on shaky ground dictating to your FMIL what she can and can't serve at a party she's hosting. Since its in your honour, you could have your FI tell her, 'We would prefer that veal not be an option at our party.' If it comes from him, she might be OK with it. If it were for religious reasons, like no pork because you're Jewish, that would at least be a reasonable excuse. Not that ethical ones aren't, but they're more tenuous.

Completely agree with the bolded -- the best approach is to have your FI nicely voice your concerns (so hopefully he's on board with them).

CrazyCatLady3 · March 2014

Fi is definitely on board and agrees with mentioning it to her. I just wanted to get some opinions on whether it would be rude to do so. Thanks for the input.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

Agree with PPs that all you can do is have Fi float the idea and see what she says. Just wanted to fist-bump you on the opposition to veal. I'm not a vegetarian, but I find the cruelty of veal OTT for me to feel comfortable eating it. But FILs love it and eat it all the time. Fortunately there are usually other options for me.

On a lighter note, my opposition to veal means that FILs constantly think I'm vegetarian, or at least think I don't eat red meat. It's like the aunt in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who says it's no problem the Fi is vegetarian: "I make lamb." Except in reverse.

Is this rude?

Re: Is this rude?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards