Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who to invite to the bridal shower?

Though I told my mother that a bridal shower was not expected or necessary, she has been gracious enough to throw me one and stated that it something she has always wanted to do.  In drafting a guest list, I was going off of the premise of inviting those women who I was close to, rather than just all 50 women who are invited to the wedding.  From my past experiences, when I receive an invite to a shower/wedding, even if I'm not super close with the person, I always feel obligated to give a gift - and I do not want to bestow that feeling onto anyone.

I had given my mother a rough estimate of people when she was deciding where to have it, etc., of around 40 people, though with some being out of state, only 30 or so would probably come.  In casually discussing the guest list with my future mother-in-law, she was shocked that I didn't have certain individuals on the list (i.e., her close friend whom I've never met, but is invited because it's a family friend of my fiance, and a couple family members, like a cousin's wife and girlfriend, whom I have met once and twice respectively).  She is saying that all the women should be invited - even my fiance's female friends who I know somewhat, but I'm not close to), and my step-mother backed this up saying all the women should be invited too.  My mom is tight on finances so I don't want to put extra financial burden on her, though, even with inviting *all* of the women, probably the same number of people would still show up.  

What should I do?  Just invite all the women?  Invite only certain ones?  I just don't want to offend anyone or look like I'm using people for their gifts.  Any advice would be appreciated please.

Re: Who to invite to the bridal shower?

  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2014
    All the women don't need to be invited. I would only invite those that you feel close to. 

    ETA: grammar fail

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  • You don't need to invite anyone you aren't particularly close to. A shower is a more intimate event. I agree with JC, though. It looks like you are only excluding a handful, so I would either trim the list or just invite them all.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Though I told my mother that a bridal shower was not expected or necessary, she has been gracious enough to throw me one and stated that it something she has always wanted to do.  In drafting a guest list, I was going off of the premise of inviting those women who I was close to, rather than just all 50 women who are invited to the wedding.  From my past experiences, when I receive an invite to a shower/wedding, even if I'm not super close with the person, I always feel obligated to give a gift - and I do not want to bestow that feeling onto anyone.

    I had given my mother a rough estimate of people when she was deciding where to have it, etc., of around 40 people, though with some being out of state, only 30 or so would probably come.  In casually discussing the guest list with my future mother-in-law, she was shocked that I didn't have certain individuals on the list (i.e., her close friend whom I've never met, but is invited because it's a family friend of my fiance, and a couple family members, like a cousin's wife and girlfriend, whom I have met once and twice respectively).  She is saying that all the women should be invited - even my fiance's female friends who I know somewhat, but I'm not close to), and my step-mother backed this up saying all the women should be invited too.  My mom is tight on finances so I don't want to put extra financial burden on her, though, even with inviting *all* of the women, probably the same number of people would still show up.  

    What should I do?  Just invite all the women?  Invite only certain ones?  I just don't want to offend anyone or look like I'm using people for their gifts.  Any advice would be appreciated please.
    If FMIL is not hosting or paying for this shower, she has no say in the guest list. You can take her recommendations under advisement, but if your mother can only afford 40 people, you only invite 40 people. 

    Also, there is no reason to invite your FI friend's wives or girlfriends to your shower if you're not close to them. They are invited because they are the SO of the primary guest, so there is no reason they should be miffed by being excluded from the shower. 

    I invited my FI's close female family members (aunts, female first cousins) but did not invite his male cousin's wives. Also, except for FI best man's wife, I did not invite any of his friend's wives, or my male friend's SO to my shower.  My FMIL also requested to invite a few of her friends that are invited to the wedding, which I did agreed to add to the list- even though I'd never met them. 
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  • I think  the best way to go about it is to figure out how many people CAN be on the guest list and go from there.   I don't agree that you invite all women but I do understand that inviting close friends of the MOB and MOG are things that the friend and moms appreciate.

    Figure out who your mom can comfortably host and go from there.   If she can add the friends then great.   If not, tell your FMIL that due to space and budget, there is no room to expand the guest list. 
  • Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
  • Just invite the women you feel close to.

    As for your FMIL, if she is not paying or hosting, it's not up to her.

    And I disagree that it's a "know your crowd" thing.  Sometimes those hosting just can't accommodate every single person who claims that they'll be "insulted" and have "hurt feelings" if they're not invited. Since those persons making such claims aren't hosting or paying, they need to grow up and get over it.
  • WeeshWeesh member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    My mother told me the same thing when I started putting my list together for my MOH.  I told her I wasn't comfortable with having that many people, and she told me that I might be offending people because she thought that all of the women invited to the wedding must be invited to the shower.  I've been to several weddings as a date of my significant others.  I've never been offended if I wasn't invited to the shower, and I would have been confused if I was invited.  

    Invite who you feel close to and who you feel comfortable with.  

    ETA:  I only invited a small group of women who are invited to the wedding, not everyone.  I feel much more comfortable knowing that it will be small.
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  • The last wedding I went to was for a co-worker of DH's.  I had met him a handful of times, I had met the bride twice and only had a conversation with her on one of those occasions.  When I got the shower invite (handed to me by my husband because the groom had given it to him at work) I looked at it and tossed it aside.  I had no intention of attending a bridal shower for a person I barely knew and I found it to be a bit gift grabby.  
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  • Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Too bad so sad. That was extremely rude of your husband's best man. Who are these entitled people?
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  • My question is this: why are you discussing the list with your step-mother and FMIL? They are not hosting, so they get no input into this shower. Your mother is hosting, so it's up to you and her. That said, I'd invite only women who are close to you or your mother (i.e. your best friends, your mother's family and close friends). Let FMIL and step-mom know that this your mother's shower, so she is inviting the people she knows.
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  • Question: does everyone live close to each other in this scenario?  You could always have your mother throw a much smaller shower (just your side of the family and your friends) and then let someone in your FI's family take the reins if they want to do their own shower, so that they can invite whoever they want to be there.

     

    This didn't work for me because while all of our family members (and 80% of the guest list) lives within 2 hours of each other in the northeast, we live a plane ride away.  So when shower questions started we requested that our mothers talk to each other and just do one because I didn't want to have to travel on two separate occassions so close to the wedding.  Because there will only be one shower, the mothers made a guest list together (my sister and one of my BMs are technically the hosts, but the moms are bankrolling it).

  • my mom and sister just wrote out invites for my shower we invited mostly family my closest friends and we sent invites to my fis family who lives out of state we know they wont come but we thought it would be the right thing to do.
  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    laurynm84 said:
    Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Too bad so sad. That was extremely rude of your husband's best man. Who are these entitled people?

    laurynm84 said:
    Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Too bad so sad. That was extremely rude of your husband's best man. Who are these entitled people?
    The irony of it is this..I would have actually invited her but when I asked my husband what he thought of her being invited he said "oh, she hates going to those things..she always complains when she has to go to them" (as he knew her WAY better than I did) so I honestly thought I was "saving" her in the first place
  • Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Who actually wants to be invited to a stranger's bridal shower??????   Who are these people?

    I have a hard enough time wanting to sit through hours of watching my BFFs opening gifts, let alone a stranger.  

    It just boggles my mind!
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Who actually wants to be invited to a stranger's bridal shower??????   Who are these people?

    I have a hard enough time wanting to sit through hours of watching my BFFs opening gifts, let alone a stranger.  

    It just boggles my mind!
    We werent "strangers" but we really only ever hung out as couples so it would have been weird. She was much more my husband's friend, than mine. Like I just said, I had actually asked my husbands opinion on whether I should invite her because I felt weird about it and his response was "oh, she always complains about those things, so no, don't invite her" ONLY for his BM to call him and say they were insulted when they heard we had a shower.


  • OP I'm really glad you posted this question because my matron of honor is wanting my guest list too! And I'm torn on who to invite. Out of my fi's friends, I'm becoming really good friends with one of his best friend's wives but due to the fact his other best friend lives out of state with his fi, I don't have the same bond with her due to the distance. So I'm thinking of his friends so's I may just have her. I find all the pps quite helpful!!!
  • Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Who actually wants to be invited to a stranger's bridal shower??????   Who are these people?

    I have a hard enough time wanting to sit through hours of watching my BFFs opening gifts, let alone a stranger.  

    It just boggles my mind!
    We werent "strangers" but we really only ever hung out as couples so it would have been weird. She was much more my husband's friend, than mine. Like I just said, I had actually asked my husbands opinion on whether I should invite her because I felt weird about it and his response was "oh, she always complains about those things, so no, don't invite her" ONLY for his BM to call him and say they were insulted when they heard we had a shower.


    I realize you aren't strangers, but if she barely knows you, then she is not going to know basically anyone at the shower.  Not sure why she would want to be there.  
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • Only invite those whom you are close too HOWEVER.

    I did not invite the wife of my husbands best man. I really only had met her a couple of times and we never hung out alone. My husbands best man called and told him how insulted they were that I did not include her...so just "know your crowd" kinda thing
    Who actually wants to be invited to a stranger's bridal shower??????   Who are these people?

    I have a hard enough time wanting to sit through hours of watching my BFFs opening gifts, let alone a stranger.  

    It just boggles my mind!
    We werent "strangers" but we really only ever hung out as couples so it would have been weird. She was much more my husband's friend, than mine. Like I just said, I had actually asked my husbands opinion on whether I should invite her because I felt weird about it and his response was "oh, she always complains about those things, so no, don't invite her" ONLY for his BM to call him and say they were insulted when they heard we had a shower.


    I realize you aren't strangers, but if she barely knows you, then she is not going to know basically anyone at the shower.  Not sure why she would want to be there.  
    I agree! LOL. I am sure if I would have invited her, they would have bitched that it was a "gift grab". Truth be told, I don't think I would have won either way!

    I am guessing it the guy who put up more of a stink than the girl, but who knows since they never said a word to ME about it
  • I don't understand why people care so much about a freaking shower....It's not like being overlooked for a wedding invite

  • The shower is for the bride's closest friends, with a courtesy invite to the MOB and maybe the MOG.

    Q: Who's invited to the bridal shower -- every female invited to the wedding, or just the ones the bride knows well?

    A: Unless you're having an intimate wedding, you needn't invite every female wedding guest. Bridal shower guests generally include the bride's closest female friends and relatives, and sometimes those of the groom -- especially if his mother is hosting or helping to plan the party. All shower guests should be invited to the wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone who's invited to the wedding has to attend the bridal shower.



    FMIL is not talking about a SHOWER.  She is talking about the ENGAGEMENT PARTIES, which are FAMILY events.  The bride's family hosts an engagement party to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family, and the groom's family hosts an engagement party to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family - those are events where you invite some distant cousin's wife and girlfriend and other relatives.
  • The shower is for the bride's closest friends, with a courtesy invite to the MOB and maybe the MOG.

    Q: Who's invited to the bridal shower -- every female invited to the wedding, or just the ones the bride knows well?

    A: Unless you're having an intimate wedding, you needn't invite every female wedding guest. Bridal shower guests generally include the bride's closest female friends and relatives, and sometimes those of the groom -- especially if his mother is hosting or helping to plan the party. All shower guests should be invited to the wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone who's invited to the wedding has to attend the bridal shower.



    FMIL is not talking about a SHOWER.  She is talking about the ENGAGEMENT PARTIES, which are FAMILY events.  The bride's family hosts an engagement party to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family, and the groom's family hosts an engagement party to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family - those are events where you invite some distant cousin's wife and girlfriend and other relatives.
    @verizongirl, you are very confused.
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • The shower is for the bride's closest friends, with a courtesy invite to the MOB and maybe the MOG.

    Q: Who's invited to the bridal shower -- every female invited to the wedding, or just the ones the bride knows well?

    A: Unless you're having an intimate wedding, you needn't invite every female wedding guest. Bridal shower guests generally include the bride's closest female friends and relatives, and sometimes those of the groom -- especially if his mother is hosting or helping to plan the party. All shower guests should be invited to the wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone who's invited to the wedding has to attend the bridal shower.



    FMIL is not talking about a SHOWER.  She is talking about the ENGAGEMENT PARTIES, which are FAMILY events.  The bride's family hosts an engagement party to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family, and the groom's family hosts an engagement party to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family - those are events where you invite some distant cousin's wife and girlfriend and other relatives.
    A) OP asked about the shower so we're giving her answers about the shower.

    B) Maybe engagement parties are like that in your family but it isn't true across the board. You can have an engagement party with any guest list you'd like, from just some close friends who know the couple to everyone your family has ever met.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • Either I or Verizon girl is high.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Verizon girl, what you are describing is more of a bachelorette party where gift giving May or may not happen. A bridal shower is meant to "shower" the bride with gifts and is usually more tame and generally females of all ages are invited if they are close with the bride. Usually they are primarily family but sometimes friends. The one thing you are correct about is that anyone you invite to a pre wedding event must also be invited to the wedding
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