First off, sorry I haven't been on much lately (or at all for that matter) work has been quite crazy for the past few months. A lot has changed in staffing and hours. I've been working 65+ hours a week for the past few months and I'm seriously burning out, fast. I'm seriously hitting an emotional and physical low. All I want to do is sleep on my days off. My boyfriend literally had to pick me up out of bed and drop me on our couch for me to get up this morning. He's working today so I've been at home alone with my depressed self.
I've been looking at cat food online since I'm going to Petco next Friday to get the girls harnesses and all that, and I just realized that I refuse to by anything produced by Hill's. I'm biased. I believe somehow, without proof or evidence of any kind, that Dainte suffered from kidney failure because of her food. There were no harmful chemicals in her water, all of the cats drank the same tap water. She didn't arbitrarily get into cleaning chemicals, as mom kept them locked in the cupboard above the fridge or under the sink away from young grabby hands. She hardly ever ate human food. Our cat Igloo died because he was being given the "wrong food" for his condition a few years before, so mom switched from the Science Diet to the Prescription Diet for Dainte because we didn't want her contracting a UTI as well.
I have thought about this a lot lately. I would still have her if I hadn't been so busy with school and work and my boyfriend to actually pay attention. The warning signs were there for months. I also feel that if I had actually spent more time with her when I put her in the hospital that maybe she would've pulled through. The first few days looked great, and then I couldn't visit for a few days and she stopped eating all together. I don't know why I'm thinking about this today and making myself upset over it but I am.
I love Percy and Grimorie so much and they are my babies, but Dainte was my best friend growing up and I miss her so much everyday. Every year around my birthday I get sad a little because that is the time of year that I had to make the decision to put her down. It's been almost 5 years and I still see her as she was getting the injection and I still feel as though I failed her.
I'm having a breakdown and a bunch of tiny panic attacks and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I get distracted by something for a while and then I keep thinking about depressing topics. My grandfather not being able to see me graduate or meet my ex-husband (whom he probably would've discouraged me marrying in the first place) or my boyfriend right now or any important milestone that I wish I could have shared with him. Or I'll think about my ex's dad and how he died this past November and I loved him like my own father and that my ex didn't even have the courtesy to call or send me a message on FB or anything to tell me that he had passed. I had to find out from a post his brother put up that my sister saw and then get it confirmed by looking up his obituary in their local newspaper.
I was hoping me posting to here would help a bit, and it has. My thoughts are a bit more organized now and I feel more composed. I'm now calm enough to meditate properly so I think I'm going to try that and check back later. Hopefully I'll be in a peppier mood and can actually contribute positivly to someone on here