FI's mom insisting siblings be best men

chraron · March 2014

FI's mom is instisting that his 2 brothers are be our co-best men, but both FI and I agree that the honor should really be given to his best friend, since they are much closer than my FI and his brothers.

Because of this, I am wondering if we can forgo the title of "best man" and "maid/matron of honor" and just have the entire party be either a groom's man or a bride's maid . (toying with naming convention of "best men" and "best maids" instead). is this do-able? Have you seen this before?

QueerFemme · March 2014

chraron said:

FI's mom is instisting that his 2 brothers are be our co-best men, but both FI and I agree that the honor should really be given to his best friend, since they are much closer than my FI and his brothers.
Because of this, I am wondering if we can forgo the title of "best man" and "maid/matron of honor" and just have the entire party be either a groom's man or a bride's maid . (toying with naming convention of "best men" and "best maids" instead). is this do-able? Have you seen this before?

Lots of people do this. You can just say "wedding party" and not give anyone specific titles. I'd honestly have your FI talk to his mother about insisting anything. He is old enough to get married, he is old enough to determine who is is closest too and who he wants to have as a best man, if anyone.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

chraron said:

FI's mom is instisting that his 2 brothers are be our co-best men, but both FI and I agree that the honor should really be given to his best friend, since they are much closer than my FI and his brothers.
Because of this, I am wondering if we can forgo the title of "best man" and "maid/matron of honor" and just have the entire party be either a groom's man or a bride's maid . (toying with naming convention of "best men" and "best maids" instead). is this do-able? Have you seen this before?

Your WP are your business. FI needs to tell his mom to back off and let him pick his own wedding party. If FI doesn't want his brothers to be Best Men, that is ok! If your FI doesn't want them to be in the WP at all either, that's ok too! Your FI should stand up for to his mom saying "Mom, I have decided on my WP and the topic is not up for discussion any further."

If your FI wants to avoid the conversation with his mom, then just call everyone bridesmaids and groomsmen.

doeydo · March 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

chraron said:

FI's mom is instisting that his 2 brothers are be our co-best men, but both FI and I agree that the honor should really be given to his best friend, since they are much closer than my FI and his brothers.
Because of this, I am wondering if we can forgo the title of "best man" and "maid/matron of honor" and just have the entire party be either a groom's man or a bride's maid . (toying with naming convention of "best men" and "best maids" instead). is this do-able? Have you seen this before?

Your WP are your business. FI needs to tell his mom to back off and let him pick his own wedding party. If FI doesn't want his brothers to be Best Men, that is ok! If your FI doesn't want them to be in the WP at all either, that's ok too! Your FI should stand up for to his mom saying "Mom, I have decided on my WP and the topic is not up for discussion any further."

If your FI wants to avoid the conversation with his mom, then just call everyone bridesmaids and groomsmen.

This. Your FI chooses who is in his side of the wedding party and what 'honour' they have, and you get to choose who is on your side and their 'honour'.

AddieCake · March 2014

Yeah, how is she insisting? That's nobody's call but your fiance's.

Jen4948 · March 2014

His mother needs to butt out and let him decide for himself who is going to stand up for him-just as you get to decide for yourself who is going to stand up for you.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

This is not your FMIL's call. This is your FI's call and his alone.

However, I would caution that you manage the expectations his mother and brothers might have now, before the wedding.

A friend of mine was in his brother's wedding -- he wasn't the best man, but he was in the wedding. But his mother believed, and he believed, that because he was the brother of the groom, he got to make a speech at the reception.

He spent weeks very carefully preparing a heart-felt speech about his brother and the brother's new wife. He read it to me a few times to work on his delivery, he asked for my opinion, etc.

I asked him, at one point, 'Has the bride or groom actually told you you're giving a speech? Have you been asked, or have you asked them?' He said, 'No, but I'm the groom's brother, of course I give a speech.'

Guess what.

At the wedding, he was NOT invited to give a speech. When he got up to go to the microphone to give his speech, after the best man's toast, the DJ said, 'OK, folks, that's all the speeches, it's time to eat!'

So there's my friend, standing there with a piece of paper in his hands, CLEARLY intending to give a speech, and being cut off at the knees.

Now, it was his fault, too, for not asking and checking with the bride and groom, but his mother (much like your FMIL) kept telling both her sons, 'Oh, the brother always gives a speech, it's what they do!' and the groom never corrected that misconception.

There were a lot of hurt feelings about that, and the bride ending up really angering a lot of her new ILs. (And again, everyone involved is at fault, but the bride bore the brunt of it).

Maggie0829 · March 2014

She can insist all she wants but in the end it is your FIs call on who is his best man. Your FI needs to tell his Mom to butt out and let him make this decision since it is his choice not hers.