Wedding Etiquette Forum

RSVP Vent (NER)

jenniferursjenniferurs member
Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited March 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So I just get a call from my fiancé who's in his home state on business, but went to dinner with his parents tonight. Turns out, his stepsister is planning on bringing her boyfriend to our wedding this weekend. But never told us.

Back story? When invites went out, she was dating someone else (and had been for the past 8 years). They since broke up. She had started seeing someone else in the immediate aftermath, but never mentioned anything to either the groom or I about bringing him to the wedding. Her RSVP was only for herself and in all of the conversations we had with her about her entree choices for both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself, she never once mentioned her new boyfriend or asked if we needed his entree.

Fast forward to today and I'm now going to have to call my venue tomorrow to change the number of 12 person tables we have, because she was at a fully-occupied 10 person table and now we have to accommodate one more; I have to alert both them and the rehearsal dinner venue of the changes in entree counts; I have to contact the vendor who did our place cards and escort cards to see if I can have another printed up for him and shipped to me in the next 5 days; and I have to contact both our linen and furniture vendors to alert them to the change in head count. Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of life, I know, but definitely not what I want to be dealing with on wedding week, especially because it was completely avoidable.

Why do people seemingly have zero respect for the RSVP process?

Re: RSVP Vent (NER)

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Because they're allowed to get away with it.
    So true!









    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Amyzen83
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ugh. That is really annoying. How nice for her to give you a heads up (NOT).
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    jenniferursCrazyCatLady3Amyzen83
  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2014
    I am actually getting paranoid about people rsvp'ing no and then showing up at the wedding...did anyone have this problem?  Also, we were planning on giving away any opened up spots as plus ones to our truly single guests (we didn't have room to extend them on the actual invites) so if people change their rsvp's from no to yes I'm going to have to tell them we gave their spot away.
  • I am actually getting paranoid about people rsvp'ing no and then showing up at the wedding...did anyone have this problem?  Also, we were planning on giving away any opened up spots as plus ones to our truly single guests (we didn't have room to extend them on the actual invites) so if people change their rsvp's from no to yes I'm going to have to tell them we gave their spot away.

    Yes this did happen to my sister. A friend told then quite a wile before their wedding that there was no way he could make it and not to bother sending him an invitation, so they didn't. Well close to the wedding he found out he could make it after all and desided to show up at the wedding as a surprise! I believe this even involved him buying a plane ticket to get there so it wasn't like he lived down the road and just desided to pop in. Nope. He planned it to be a big surprise! As fate would have it our cousins a few states over had their car break down on them on the way there so they couldn't make it, so there was no trouble with room or food, but although my sister and brother-in-law acted gracitious they were a bit ticked off at him considering it could have been a huge inconvinece had the cousins made it. @CrazyCatLady3 Not trying to scare you, but yes it is possible. better to be prepared.
    image
  • I am actually getting paranoid about people rsvp'ing no and then showing up at the wedding...did anyone have this problem?  Also, we were planning on giving away any opened up spots as plus ones to our truly single guests (we didn't have room to extend them on the actual invites) so if people change their rsvp's from no to yes I'm going to have to tell them we gave their spot away.

    I don't know if extending invites to the truely single ladies as declines come in is B-listing...I don't believe it is, but I was never a fan of how it comes across.  Also, from being on the boards awhile and reading other peoples stories, it seems that no-shows, surprises, and 100% attendance can all happen.  I wouldn't stress about a surprise guest.  If everybody who RSVP's shows up, then they look like a fool for not having a seat and it doesn't reflect on you at all.
    Amyzen83indianaalum
  • Ugh...why on earth do people do this? She had to have been very aware that you need head counts and entree decisions - yet was not going to mention that her BF (who wasn't invited) was coming? 

    I feel like I'm going to be a bitch to people if they try to pull stuff like this on us a week before our wedding. 
    Amyzen83
  • abbyj700 said:

    Ugh...why on earth do people do this? She had to have been very aware that you need head counts and entree decisions - yet was not going to mention that her BF (who wasn't invited) was coming? 


    I feel like I'm going to be a bitch to people if they try to pull stuff like this on us a week before our wedding. 
    I'm with you on this one! You RSVP no and try to "surprise" me day of, sorry no seat for you! And if people accuse me of being rude I'd point out that they were rude for treating an RSVP card as optional or not final. Also if people write maybe on their card or tentatively FYI those options Are NOT on the RSVP card but people will still do maybe anyway, I'm flat out counting them as no.
  • I am actually getting paranoid about people rsvp'ing no and then showing up at the wedding...did anyone have this problem?  Also, we were planning on giving away any opened up spots as plus ones to our truly single guests (we didn't have room to extend them on the actual invites) so if people change their rsvp's from no to yes I'm going to have to tell them we gave their spot away.

    I don't know if extending invites to the truely single ladies as declines come in is B-listing...I don't believe it is, but I was never a fan of how it comes across.  Also, from being on the boards awhile and reading other peoples stories, it seems that no-shows, surprises, and 100% attendance can all happen.  I wouldn't stress about a surprise guest.  If everybody who RSVP's shows up, then they look like a fool for not having a seat and it doesn't reflect on you at all.
    100% attendance would be fine, because we only invited to the max of our venue, but we have a small venue and did not have space to give plus ones.  That's why I want to give them out if we get decline rsvp's.  That's not b-listing because there's not a particular person sitting on a waiting list for a spot essentially.  

    If someone shows up without informing us their name won't be on the security list and I won't feel bad.  People have plenty of time to rsvp and if they truly need more time to figure whether or not they can come they are free to reach out to us.  After that, my hospitality ends and their lack of consideration begins IMHO.
    RebeccaB88Amyzen83cowgirl8238Vivandiere8
  • abbyj700 said:
    Ugh...why on earth do people do this? She had to have been very aware that you need head counts and entree decisions - yet was not going to mention that her BF (who wasn't invited) was coming? 

    I feel like I'm going to be a bitch to people if they try to pull stuff like this on us a week before our wedding. 
    Believe me, I was less than pleased when I spoke with my fiancé last night. My first inclination was to tell his sister that we wouldn't be able to accommodate him and told my fiancé to relay as much. Unfortunately, his flight was already booked, so instead, I'm making phone calls like a mad woman this morning. 
  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    The bitch that i can be with other peoples rudeness would be to tell sister hope your bf has a nice trip and vacation but he's not invited to the wedding... In all honesty I dont know how I'd actually handle the situation. Sorry op that you have to handle this mess. You should just have a nice glass of wine after you get everything straightened out.
  • For what it's worth you sound very gracious
  • make a list to give to the venue and make sure they are checking people in. anyone not on the list does not get into the reception hall venue person has to turn them away and say your not on the guest list sorry
  • Amyzen83 said:

    The bitch that i can be with other peoples rudeness would be to tell sister hope your bf has a nice trip and vacation but he's not invited to the wedding... In all honesty I dont know how I'd actually handle the situation. Sorry op that you have to handle this mess. You should just have a nice glass of wine after you get everything straightened out.

    A glass of wine sounds amazing right now and if I weren't pregnant, I'd be throwing down a whole bottle.
    Amyzen83
  • The bitch that i can be with other peoples rudeness would be to tell sister hope your bf has a nice trip and vacation but he's not invited to the wedding... In all honesty I dont know how I'd actually handle the situation. Sorry op that you have to handle this mess. You should just have a nice glass of wine after you get everything straightened out.
    A glass of wine sounds amazing right now and if I weren't pregnant, I'd be throwing down a whole bottle.
    Milkshake.  It was my "wine" when I was pregnant.  :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Amyzen83jenniferurs
  • Omg! I am craving a milkshake right now and I'm not even pregnant lol!
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    abbyj700 said:
    Ugh...why on earth do people do this? She had to have been very aware that you need head counts and entree decisions - yet was not going to mention that her BF (who wasn't invited) was coming? 

    I feel like I'm going to be a bitch to people if they try to pull stuff like this on us a week before our wedding. 
    Believe me, I was less than pleased when I spoke with my fiancé last night. My first inclination was to tell his sister that we wouldn't be able to accommodate him and told my fiancé to relay as much. Unfortunately, his flight was already booked, so instead, I'm making phone calls like a mad woman this morning. 
    They booked a flight when he wasn't even invited, and they didn't even tell you guys!  I mean how hard would have it been for your FSIL to call her brother and say, hey can I bring my new boyfriend? People like that need to learn a lesson.
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    jenniferurs
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Well your FSIL didn't bother to tell you his entree so I can only assume that means he only wants a glass of water for refreshment. 

    I must say you're handling it with much more poise than I would have if it had happened to me.
    jenniferursAmyzen83
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