NWR - Trouble with in-laws advice/vent - LONG

Re: NWR - Trouble with in-laws advice/vent - LONG

• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  Well, what does your FI want? That's largely going to control what happens.
  
  If he's OK with being walked all over and doesn't stand up to his family, that's a bigger problem than your FILs' behaviour.
  
  However, it's your house, too, so you're within your rights to say to your FI, 'I am not comfortable with your family inviting themselves and other family members to our home without asking us first. This is an invasion of our privacy and our personal space and I'm not OK with it. One of us has to tell them our house isn't available for them to stay at; do you want it to be you or me?'
  
  The rest of your post sounds kind of petty, so I'm skipping over those bits.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• cruffino member

  

  March 2014

  You and your FI need to get on the same page with this. Does he want them to visit? Is he willing to let them know that your home is unavailable? Dealing with your future in-laws sounds like it'll be an ongoing issue, so it'll do a world of good if you can work on it now.
  
  DH has a very difficult brother. It's taken us some time to come to a compromise about how we deal with him. It's been difficult. I feel for your situation.

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• jennyleigh16 member

  

  March 2014

  HisGirl you're right, it is petty and I guess that fell under the vent portion. I don't think very highly of the brother to begin with and all this just adds to my annoyance. 

  
  

  FI's reaction is "well it's already done so I guess we'll just make the best of it." What I'd like him to do is set boundaries with his brother and tell him this is not acceptable behaviour, but FI thinks just as highly of his big brother as the family does and while he'll complain to me about it he doesn't dare say something to the family. He just accepts it as the way it is. I guess I want to stand up to them on his behalf but I'm worried about overstepping my place. 

  We're okay with his brother staying with us, it was his motives that we questioned, but inviting their mother to stay as well crossed a line. 

  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  It's hard, believe me, I know. DH and his family had boundary issues (well his grandmother did) and it took a while to set boundaries.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  March 2014

  ::holds my head in shame::  

  
  

  
  

  A few days ago I text my sister to tell her I was coming in town for my dad's 70th birthday and I call dibs her guest room.  

  
  

  Granted I talk/text my sister every single day.  She and her husband had made it known that there is an open invitations to stay at their house.  But still, it might not have been appropriate  for me to announce I'm staying at her house. But that is how we roll.  A few years ago she called me to say they were coming to NOLA and I didn't even ask where they were staying, the assumption was with us. Again our family rolls like that. If you come to town more than likely you will NOT be staying at a hotel and staying at the home of who lives there.

  
  

  Now BIL sounds like an ass, but if you invite him to stay all the other times he might have though there was some sort of open inviation.   Not that it's right to assume, just trying to find insight into his reasoning. 

  
  

  Anyway, inviting MIL is just wrong.   Especially since there are boundary issues that already exist.    It's your house and you are well within your right to say "hell no".    Only you can decide if you want to go that route.  The only "good news" about MIL staying she could be the built in babysitter than you.

  
  

  Good luck.   Family boundary issues are difficult.  Especially when some family's normal is other's  WTF.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• jenajjthr member

  

  March 2014

  This is where I would make him make a choice. It is your house too, not his to unilaterally let other dictate what you two do. I would say to your FI "I'm not comfortable with sharing this house with your brother, being the go-to babysitter for his son, or dealing with your alcoholic mom. And the bigger problem is we don't have room for 5 people. So either they get a hotel room or you get me a hotel room." 

  
  

  As a side note to you - if FBIL tries to pawn off little FBIL jr. You can say no. You can only be taken advantage of if you let them. Say no, then walk away. 

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  But I think the difference, @lyndsusvi, is that you actually stayed there before. And my family has the same policy -- heck, it was DH's idea to give my mom a spare key.
  
  But I think if the BIL has never before availed himself of their hospitality, it's stretching credulity to assume it would be extended to him this time.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  March 2014

  
  

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  But I think the difference, @lyndsusvi, is that you actually stayed there before. And my family has the same policy -- heck, it was DH's idea to give my mom a spare key. But I think if the BIL has never before availed himself of their hospitality, it's stretching credulity to assume it would be extended to him this time.

  
  

  
  

  **  Stuck in box

  
  

  
  

  "Every time FBIL has come to town we extend the offer to stay with us and every single time he declines and stays in a ritzy hotel instead."

  She even admits that they always extend an offer.  It's not that huge of a leap to think they would this time.

  I'm not saying BIL is right,  just there is a history of asking.   Inviting others to stay is another issue all together.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  But there's also a history of declining. I do see what you're saying, but I guess my thought is that if you have never accepted someone's hospitality, you can't assume it's still going to be available to you. If you say 'no' enough times, people will stop offering.
  
  Inviting additional guests is just always rude.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• jennyleigh16 member

  

  March 2014

  @lyndsusvi I don't think you did anything wrong because you have that relationship with your sister. We don't have that relationship with the brother. We would have offered to have him stay again but we never expect him to take us up on it because our house isn't nice enough for his tastes. The fact that he's staying with us is surprising but not the real issue. I just find it awfully convenient that the only time he stays with us is when he travels here with just his son. And truth be told I don't even mind looking after the kid when I'm available but I've already told FI I'm not deliberately booking time off that week. If I'm off I'll be around but I'm not making time to visit. It's just the brother's presumption that'll we'll just drop what we're doing to look after his child that irks me. 

  
  

  My FI feels it would be rude to tell his mother she can't come and would just cause a bunch of manipulative guilt-tripping from her if he tried. I'd love for the brother to have to call their mother up and uninvite her but I don't see that happening either. And yes, she could be the babysitter and that would solve that problem but I know FSIL would not be okay with her babysitting unsupervised and I'd have a crisis of conscience as well. The last time she babysat she got drunk and fed the then 2 year old stew with a bunch of tiny bones in it. I wouldn't trust her to babysit my dog. 

  
  

  I guess what I'm asking is should I say something to the brother when he's here about it or just let it go? I know it should be my FI's responsibility to say something but he looks up to his brother and doesn't want to cause drama. We're on the same page, FI just hates confrontation and is more apt to just deal with it. I, on the other hand, tend to go into grizzly mode when someone messes with my family and biting my tongue is driving me crazy.

  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  March 2014

  I think your FI needs to conference call with his brother and mom and say, "We are sorry to do this to you right now, but there is just no room for 5 people to stay in our house at one time.  Someone here needs to change their plans.  I'm sorry to have to do this, but this is reality."  Then let brother and mom figure out where else to stay.

  

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• CaliMel11 member

  

  March 2014

  OliveOilsMom said:

  I think your FI needs to conference call with his brother and mom and say, "We are sorry to do this to you right now, but there is just no room for 5 people to stay in our house at one time.  Someone here needs to change their plans.  I'm sorry to have to do this, but this is reality."  Then let brother and mom figure out where else to stay.

  Yup this.
  Also, if they pull anything just say "Oh, well you never accepted our offer before, so just assumed that you were staying in such and such hotel again and had not planned to have any guests!"
  
  The thing is, that it is YOUR HOUSE. You get a say in who is staying there and when. Yes it might be uncomfortable but it sounds like your FI needs a "come to Jesus talk" with his family about this all.
  

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• TeddiD34 member

  

  March 2014

  CaliMel11 said:

  OliveOilsMom said:

  I think your FI needs to conference call with his brother and mom and say, "We are sorry to do this to you right now, but there is just no room for 5 people to stay in our house at one time.  Someone here needs to change their plans.  I'm sorry to have to do this, but this is reality."  Then let brother and mom figure out where else to stay.

  Yup this.
  Also, if they pull anything just say "Oh, well you never accepted our offer before, so just assumed that you were staying in such and such hotel again and had not planned to have any guests!"
  
  The thing is, that it is YOUR HOUSE. You get a say in who is staying there and when. Yes it might be uncomfortable but it sounds like your FI needs a "come to Jesus talk" with his family about this all.
  

  I've been dealing with a similar situation with my FI's family. In a moment of "I don't know if I can be a part of this nutso family", my FI told me that he will ALWAYS choose me. Not his mother or anyone else. You need to hear a similar thing from your FI. You don't want a life time of dealing with this, do you?
  

   

   

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• jennyleigh16 member

  

  March 2014

  @TeddiD34 I adore that your FI told you that. On some level I know its true for us but it would be a lot more reassuring to hear him say it, especially in a situation like this. 

  
  

  I whole-heartedly agree with the "come to jesus" talk but I have a feeling it would result in FBIL being huffy and staying in a hotel and bad-mouthing us to the rest of the family and FMIL staying with us instead, which is not ideal. 

  
  

  It really does need to happen though. Thanks for all the insight. 

  

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