Not inviting kids but some guests traveling from out of country

kristilw09 · March 2014

This is the only major issue that has come up with my wedding so far.

I DO NOT want kids there. I dont have any kids that will be younger than 11 or so in my family- and even those are immediate cousins. So it isnt an issue on my side. But My fiances family is mostly from Europe- and still live there. If they travel here theyre more likely going to be bringing their kids with them. I cant make exceptions for some people who want to and say ok- and some who dont- not to mention the fact theres reasons I dont want kids there at all. We have no bridal party- no flower girl etc. It is at a formal venue... not a place for kids to be, even the venue suggests not having them.

My fiance thinks we shouldnt invite kids- and then if someone says theyre coming and wants to bring their kids and arent ok with a babysitter then we have to let the kids come. That would turn into a huge mess and defeat the purpose of not inviting the kids. I want to offer a babysitter either in another room at the venue (there are hotel rooms THERE) or down the road at the other hotel. UGH

Any ideas/opinions or experience with this situation?

LondonLisa · March 2014

I think your idea of providing childcare is a great compromise. But I would make sure it is a trusted nanny (or two) and not just some random person from an agency. Ask your friends with kids if they have any trusted nannies (Multiple children is a lot to manage, so much more than the 16 year old girl next door can handle!). You mention it is a formal reception, and if it is in the evening, I would not assume my child was invited. What is the age range of these children and how many are there?

What I would do is contact these people now and say "Hi, I hope you got our invites and can make it. We are planning a special kids night the night of our wedding for your little ones at X hotel with a trusted babysitter, pizza and movies. We just wanted to let you know we have childcare worked out for you if you would prefer to book a room at the same hotel"

Then you can cross the bridge if someone puts their foot down and says that they are only attending with their child.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

kristilw09 said:

This is the only major issue that has come up with my wedding so far.

I DO NOT want kids there. I dont have any kids that will be younger than 11 or so in my family- and even those are immediate cousins. So it isnt an issue on my side. But My fiances family is mostly from Europe- and still live there. If they travel here theyre more likely going to be bringing their kids with them. I cant make exceptions for some people who want to and say ok- and some who dont- not to mention the fact theres reasons I dont want kids there at all. We have no bridal party- no flower girl etc. It is at a formal venue... not a place for kids to be, even the venue suggests not having them.

My fiance thinks we shouldnt invite kids- and then if someone says theyre coming and wants to bring their kids and arent ok with a babysitter then we have to let the kids come. That would turn into a huge mess and defeat the purpose of not inviting the kids. I want to offer a babysitter either in another room at the venue (there are hotel rooms THERE) or down the road at the other hotel. UGH

Any ideas/opinions or experience with this situation?

Not inviting kids is fine. You and your FI just need to be okay with the fact that those that do have kids and will have to travel from overseas to attend your wedding will most likely decline the invite. Getting a sitter for one night is one thing but asking family members to leave their kids for a long weekend or even a week is a bit much and many will choose to decline the invite.

And many parents are not comfortable with leaving their child with a random babysitter.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

You do not have to invite children, but you also don't get to make child care decisions for other people.

There are a lot of former brides who are now mothers on these boards, and most if not all of them say that they would not be comfortable leaving their child with a caregiver they didn't personally know. I can't say as I blame them for that.

You invite the people you want to invite -- i.e., John and Mary Smith but not their children Joe and Sally. If they RSVP for their children, you call them up and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, the invitation was only for you and Mary, not Joe and Sally. Will you be attending?'

They will either then say, 'Oh, yes, our bad, we're still coming' or 'Oh, I'm sorry, we can't arrange child care under those circumstances, so we have to decline.'

At that point, they have either accepted the invitation that you issued (for them alone) or declined properly, and your problem is solved. The issue of how your FI will feel if very few of his friends can attend because of the no-children policy is another matter entirely, and one I presume you and he have discussed.

However, the odds that people will travel FROM EUROPE to America without their children are incredibly low. You don't mention what countries in Europe, so I don't know if there's a language barrier, but that would also be a problem for people with children -- leaving their kids in the care of someone they've never met whose language is not the language the children speak is a recipe for disaster.

And actually, you *CAN* make exceptions -- allowing only children who are in the WP (yes, I know you're not having one, it's an example); allowing only children who are family; or allowing only out-of-country children are all reasonable exceptions.

kristilw09 · March 2014

We arent getting married until Next June- so we have some time before we send out the invitations, but want to send save the dates extra early to his family in europe so they can make arrangments. He hasnt given me specific info on how many have kids and their ages etc. They are in Slovakia- so theres definitely a language barrier, but as per the child care I was thinking someone more along the lines of a family friend or two who wouldnt be invited and only offering to help in this situation if they didnt know anyone else here in America who could watch the kids for the night. I dont except them to take the trip without their kids, its going to be a great experience for those who do travel here - I am sure they will make a big trip out of it- but I am trying to find a good compromise or solution for the night.

phira · March 2014

Besides what other posters have said, I think you and your fiance need to work out a compromise. While your ideal wedding is child-free, his ideal wedding is not.

You also don't have to invite ALL kids just because you invite SOME kids.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Ditto @phira -- it sounds like the bigger issue is that you and your FI aren't on the same page in terms of who gets invited to the wedding. You want child-free, he wants child-inclusive.

kristilw09 said:

We arent getting married until Next June- so we have some time before we send out the invitations, but want to send save the dates extra early to his family in europe so they can make arrangments. He hasnt given me specific info on how many have kids and their ages etc. They are in Slovakia- so theres definitely a language barrier, but as per the child care I was thinking someone more along the lines of a family friend or two who wouldnt be invited and only offering to help in this situation if they didnt know anyone else here in America who could watch the kids for the night. I dont except them to take the trip without their kids, its going to be a great experience for those who do travel here - I am sure they will make a big trip out of it- but I am trying to find a good compromise or solution for the night.

But whose family friend? Yours? Your FI's? The parents are still not going to know this person, which brings you back to the issue that parents generally don't like to leave their kids with unfamiliar and unvetted people.

ETF very embarrassing grammar fail

phira · March 2014

Yeah, I'm with @HisGirlFriday13. Just because they're someone you know and trust doesn't mean that people are going to be cool with that person watching their children.

My brother had a child-free wedding (no one under 16 except the flower girl and her infant brother). I have three pairs of aunts/uncles who, at the time, had kids under 16. Two families were local; they weren't thrilled about no kids, but arranged to have babysitters. One family was not local, and they also happened to have the oldest of the uninvited kids (one of them was 14). My other aunts and uncles offered to host their kids and share babysitters, but my out of town aunt and uncle weren't okay with it because (not joking) they'd never hired a babysitter before. So they didn't come to the wedding at all.

Point is: there are some parents who will not leave their kids with an unknown babysitter ... or any babysitter. You don't get to decide what's reasonable or not.

kristilw09 · March 2014

He agrees on not inviting kids- but thinks it will be an issue with his extended family from slovakia. He just now brought this up to me as we had previously decided to not invite children. I think the best for us to do is to contact them and let them know our date etc and see who is even making the trip here. I only wanted to offer help if they were okay with it- I definitely would not force someone to leave their kids somewhere they werent comfortable, but thought it would be a nice gesture to offer to help. There is also the budget issue, if we invite all kids our guest list goes up and the price for kids is still expensive. I am just hoping that it all works out and I am sure some of his family will understand.

phira · March 2014

You could also just invite Slovakian family kids. If any other guests throw shitfits, you can say, "We could not afford to invite everyone's children, but we chose to make space for international guests' children so [fiance] could have his family celebrate with us. I understand why this feels unfair to you, but I hope you can understand the difficult situation we're in. Anyway, have you seen the LEGO movie? I hear it's awesome."

YourDogDontKnowSit · March 2014

I'm not a mother, but I have been a childcare provider for years and am now a teacher. I don't know many parents who would trust someone's random family friend (of whose? I'm assuming yours since they would be in the states). At a daycare or when going through a reputable nanny provider you know that the people caring for your children are CPR certified, First Aid certified, have had criminal background checks and have been finger printed. Of course nothing is ever 100% guaranteed, but you can be pretty sure the people caring for your children are qualified and are good people. The same can't be said when leaving your child in a foreign country, with someone you don't know from Adam, who doesn't speak your child's language, in a hotel room that isn't even at the same place where you will be partying. I'm sorry but just typing it out sounds creepy to me, I wouldn't do it. I absolutely respect your decision to have a child free wedding, but please make that clear to your relatives before they book expensive flights to America for your wedding, because I would bet many of them would rather decline than leave their children with a stranger in a strange place in a strange country speaking a strange language.

indianaalum · March 2014

This is the only major issue that has come up with my wedding so far.

I DO NOT want kids there. I dont have any kids that will be younger than 11 or so in my family- and even those are immediate cousins. So it isnt an issue on my side. But My fiances family is mostly from Europe- and still live there. If they travel here theyre more likely going to be bringing their kids with them. I cant make exceptions for some people who want to and say ok- and some who dont- not to mention the fact theres reasons I dont want kids there at all. We have no bridal party- no flower girl etc. It is at a formal venue... not a place for kids to be, even the venue suggests not having them.

My fiance thinks we shouldnt invite kids- and then if someone says theyre coming and wants to bring their kids and arent ok with a babysitter then we have to let the kids come. That would turn into a huge mess and defeat the purpose of not inviting the kids. I want to offer a babysitter either in another room at the venue (there are hotel rooms THERE) or down the road at the other hotel. UGH

Any ideas/opinions or experience with this situation?

Stuck in box:

Actually, you CAN. Personally, if someone cares enough to travel all the way from Europe to see your wedding, thus spending thousands of dollars, I personally believe the least you can do it host their children.

People DO understand that it is okay to invite children in circumstances like this

indianaalum · March 2014

You do not have to invite children, but you also don't get to make child care decisions for other people.

There are a lot of former brides who are now mothers on these boards, and most if not all of them say that they would not be comfortable leaving their child with a caregiver they didn't personally know. I can't say as I blame them for that.

You invite the people you want to invite -- i.e., John and Mary Smith but not their children Joe and Sally. If they RSVP for their children, you call them up and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, the invitation was only for you and Mary, not Joe and Sally. Will you be attending?'

They will either then say, 'Oh, yes, our bad, we're still coming' or 'Oh, I'm sorry, we can't arrange child care under those circumstances, so we have to decline.'

At that point, they have either accepted the invitation that you issued (for them alone) or declined properly, and your problem is solved. The issue of how your FI will feel if very few of his friends can attend because of the no-children policy is another matter entirely, and one I presume you and he have discussed.

However, the odds that people will travel FROM EUROPE to America without their children are incredibly low. You don't mention what countries in Europe, so I don't know if there's a language barrier, but that would also be a problem for people with children -- leaving their kids in the care of someone they've never met whose language is not the language the children speak is a recipe for disaster.

And actually, you *CAN* make exceptions -- allowing only children who are in the WP (yes, I know you're not having one, it's an example); allowing only children who are family; or allowing only out-of-country children are all reasonable exceptions.

stuck in a box:
This, alone, would make me want to reconsider. If there is a language barrier, please consider how hard that would be on the parents who so kindly flew out of the country to be at your wedding.

If I just spent 2000 to fly to another country, I would be livid if I got there and found out my child had to be stuck in a hotel..If you do decide do tthis, PLEASE MAKE IT 100000000 percent clear ahead of time that there children cannot attend the wedding, so they can choose to DECLINE or leave their kid in the other country.

REalistically speaking, unless you are talking about an excess amonut of kids, I highly doubt you would even notice them all night anyhow.

indianaalum · March 2014

kristilw09 said:

We arent getting married until Next June- so we have some time before we send out the invitations, but want to send save the dates extra early to his family in europe so they can make arrangments. He hasnt given me specific info on how many have kids and their ages etc. They are in Slovakia- so theres definitely a language barrier, but as per the child care I was thinking someone more along the lines of a family friend or two who wouldnt be invited and only offering to help in this situation if they didnt know anyone else here in America who could watch the kids for the night. I dont except them to take the trip without their kids, its going to be a great experience for those who do travel here - I am sure they will make a big trip out of it- but I am trying to find a good compromise or solution for the night.

You still have to understand that people from another country are not going to want to leave their kid alone i a foregn country with a stranger (it might be a family friend to you, but still a stranger to them..in a foreign country).

On a side note, it's also a little shitty to say to the family friend "hey ,you aren't good enough to attend the wedding, but can you babysist all the kids for me? thanks"

Also, this is probably a RARE time for the family to get together. The Slovakian side will probably WANT to see those children as they might not have another opportunity. It's a little selfish to deprive them of that precious time where they can see all the distant relatives....esp kids.

Is it worth is to offend the entire side of his family to fit in witt the "image" of your wedding being child free?

Personally, if I had someone who cared enough to spend that money to see my wedding, I would be bending over backwards to accomodate them...not do things that will alienate them and make it harder on them.

Sometimes, we get wrapped up on the "day" and realize our choices regarding THAT day can leave a lifetime of resentment behind. If you think his family will be offended, are you willing to take the risk to create a child-free wedding?

TheGrimReaper · March 2014

Yeah, maybe this was weird, but we invited the children of ALL of our traveling guests. The shortest travel distance for people with kids is 3 hours. To me, inviting people to go to your wedding overnight, especially when their family will also be at the wedding, but not inviting their small children is like telling them you don't care if they come.

You don't have to invite their kids. But don't expect them to come.

majesty318 · March 2014

I never wanted kids at our wedding - NEVER - and FI didn't seem to have a strong opinion either way. The only kid I was OK having is our flower girl, who is my 3yo god daughter.

Then I remembered my cousins who would be traveling from the midwest to NJ and have an infant. My cousin's parents will also be at the wedding, and his wife's parents live out of the country. So I started thinking - who would they leave the baby with if I did not invite him? They probably wouldn't come. And I want them to come. So baby is invited.

Then I remembered cousin's brother who would be traveling from Oregon to NJ and has a 4yo & 2yo. Well, if his brother's kid is invited, his should be too, right? So kids are invited.

And then I remembered our officiant, who is a close friend of FI's traveling from NC to NJ and has a 3yo. What if he wants to bring his wife? Who would watch the 3yo? So she is invited.

Basically, my no-kids policy went out the window when I realized all the travelers... not everyone can arrange child-care for an extended period of time, and as PP's mentioned, not everyone is comfortable with a babysitter not of their own choosing.

However, FI's friend who lives 20 minutes from the wedding, despite the invitation being addressed to Mr. & Mrs. and NOT THEIR 3 KIDS, actually emailed FI and asked if he could bring the kids! I am holding firm on that one... you are local.

So the moral of my rambling is: I think exceptions need to be made for travelers. Sit down with FI and try to make a list of the Slovakian invitees. See how many kids it even is... maybe not as many as you fear? And whenever traveling is involved (especially foreign), there will always be some people who can't come.

Sugargirl1019 · March 2014

OP, the wedding I was at most recently had the "family babysitter" in a room down the hall from the reception. Guests were notified of the child care arrangements. A lot of people utilized this arrangement, and it worked really well from a BP standpoint. If guests are not comfortable with this idea, then they can arrange their own or not come.

We are inviting family from St. Lucia and Ireland. We are notifying them of our child care plans, but will call them if they RSVP with all their children, because the invitation is only for the parents.

Everyone has different ideas about this, but I think it's a great compromise! Good luck.

WildMagelet · March 2014

Just my thoughts as a guest:

1. I am not going to leave my children on a different continent with anyone besides immediate family, most of whom are likely also invited to this wedding.

2. I am not going to travel to another continent and leave my child in the care of a complete stranger who speaks a different language as me (and my children) in an area I'm unfamiliar with..

If we weren't close I would more than likely decline because I would not be keen on having to pay for a passport, round trip trans-Atlantic flight, transportation, room & board, etc. for a caregiver for a few hours on one day during your wedding & reception.

LadyMillil · March 2014

majesty318 said:

I never wanted kids at our wedding - NEVER - and FI didn't seem to have a strong opinion either way. The only kid I was OK having is our flower girl, who is my 3yo god daughter.

Then I remembered my cousins who would be traveling from the midwest to NJ and have an infant. My cousin's parents will also be at the wedding, and his wife's parents live out of the country. So I started thinking - who would they leave the baby with if I did not invite him? They probably wouldn't come. And I want them to come. So baby is invited.

Then I remembered cousin's brother who would be traveling from Oregon to NJ and has a 4yo & 2yo. Well, if his brother's kid is invited, his should be too, right? So kids are invited.

And then I remembered our officiant, who is a close friend of FI's traveling from NC to NJ and has a 3yo. What if he wants to bring his wife? Who would watch the 3yo? So she is invited.

Basically, my no-kids policy went out the window when I realized all the travelers... not everyone can arrange child-care for an extended period of time, and as PP's mentioned, not everyone is comfortable with a babysitter not of their own choosing.

However, FI's friend who lives 20 minutes from the wedding, despite the invitation being addressed to Mr. & Mrs. and NOT THEIR 3 KIDS, actually emailed FI and asked if he could bring the kids! I am holding firm on that one... you are local.

So the moral of my rambling is: I think exceptions need to be made for travelers. Sit down with FI and try to make a list of the Slovakian invitees. See how many kids it even is... maybe not as many as you fear? And whenever traveling is involved (especially foreign), there will always be some people who can't come.

Also think about the ages of the kids. It makes a huge difference if the kids are older and know that they should sit and be quiet during the ceremony. It comes down to what is more important to you and Your FI - having a child free wedding OR having the European family there. Ditto PP you can just invite the kids of people that have traveled from Europe. If I was a local guest with a child that was not invited, I would understand exceptions were made for people with kids traveling from another continent.

indianaalum · March 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

OP, the wedding I was at most recently had the "family babysitter" in a room down the hall from the reception. Guests were notified of the child care arrangements. A lot of people utilized this arrangement, and it worked really well from a BP standpoint. If guests are not comfortable with this idea, then they can arrange their own or not come. We are inviting family from St. Lucia and Ireland. We are notifying them of our child care plans, but will call them if they RSVP with all their children, because the invitation is only for the parents. Everyone has different ideas about this, but I think it's a great compromise! Good luck.

Read all the posts, because they will apply to you, as well.

Please reconsider as having guests fly in from another country and then telling them their children aren't allowed probably is not going to go over too well

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