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Guest lists suck *Vent*

KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche member
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in Chit Chat
My godmother messaged me over the weekend, and I started feeling pretty shitty about not having her on the guest list. Despite the fact that we don't talk often, I do love her, and I do want her there, but she's married to the most insufferable, bigoted, racist, sexist, homophobic, douchecanoe of a man.

He can believe whatever he wants, but he's loud about his "disapproval", he can't talk about anything other than how the gays/blacks/whatevers are ruining the world, and he's incapable of putting his personal prejudices aside for a single day - he couldn't even do it for his own daughter's wedding, so I'm fairly certain he wouldn't for mine.

It's not nice, but I just can't bring myself to invite him, knowing how he would behave. Especially when so many of the important people in our lives (off the top of my head: my bro, my aunts, one of my best friends, FI's best friend, FI's cousin) are gay. So I can't invite her because I can't invite him. And I know that the fact that I'm not inviting her is going to be a big deal for the family, but I am just out of energy on this. If I did invite her and not him, that would also be a big deal. If I invited them both, it would be a big deal. I cannot win, so if I'm going to cause drama, I'd rather cause it by doing what's best for my sanity and the majority of our guests.

And I'm going to go cry in the corner now because I hate that my family is so full of stupid people. I'm so tired of these damned if I do, damned if I don't situations around our wedding. This is exactly why I wanted to elope.

Bender Crying

Anyone else getting the guest list rages?

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Re: Guest lists suck *Vent*

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    jenna8984jenna8984 member
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    Ugh that sucks so bad!! I won't lie my grandfather is old school and talks badly about gays/ blacks but at least he only does it in the house or with immediate family. I really wouldn't take that chance if I were you either- you offend just your godmother vs. countless guests. 
    My friend's husband is absolutely obnoxious and I'm dreading making the seating chart and who to subject sitting next to him. He's doesn't say things like that, but he's just so inappropriate all the time. If someone mentions pizza he will be like "oh no, Carrie can't have that, the cheese will have her shitting all night!" or if someone say we got a new puppy he will say "oh Carrie loves it doggy style, I mean she loves dogs". I seriously don't know how this girl deals with it because I get so embarrassed for her, it's so awkward!! 

    We also had some fighting with our parents about leaving a lot of family out, but we are just not close with them and we're keeping it intimate to people were are very close with. I don't care if your my dad's brother- you've never shown any interest in my life or gotten to know me, you don't even know where I live or where I work or anything about me. 

                                                                     

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    (((HUGS)))

    All the wine, all the cheese, all the chocolates. I'm so sorry.

    It is hard, and it sucks. The guest list was the most stressful part, I think, for me and DH.

    My mother (and my parents ended up paying for our whole reception, although initially they were only going to 'help' -- they decided to pay for the reception after they saw how inexpensively DH and I had planned things) kept wanting to add people -- her first cousins, most of whom I don't know by name or by sight. I had invited one of her cousins, and his wife, because I'm close to them, but none of the others.

    She argued we should invite all or none. I said, fine, none it is. She backed off.

    (In the end, my mother got to invite pretty much everyone she wanted except the first cousins, because I put my foot down on that one).

    DH's grandmother (of course) wanted all of her family (her nieces and their husbands, her SIL's kids, all of those people's kids) invited, as well as her whole 30+ person Sunday School class. DH put his foot down on that one and agreed to invite her nieces and their husbands, but no one else.

    She pitched a fit about it, and went behind our backs and invited people to the the shower who weren't on our list but were on hers, telling us, 'Now you have to invite them, haha!' To which I said, 'Nope, this etiquette faux pas is yours. Either you uninvite them to the shower of you explain to them why they're not invited to the wedding. This isn't on me.'

    The also told her SIL that she could bring a friend (SIL is widowed, but not seeing anyone), and started suggesting we B-list people when her family started RSVP'ing 'no.'

    I did not invite a college friend of mine, whose wedding I was in, because her husband is a racist, bigoted, xenophobic asshole. He believes the KKK was the best thing that could have happened to the South, he thinks nothing of pulling guns on black people and calling them the n-word, and he routinely says that white people shouldn't marry black people because it dilutes the white race.

    One of my dad's best friends is a black man, married to a white woman. These people were so important to me/my family, they were seated at the table with my parents.

    I thought for about half a nano second and said, 'Nope, not inviting Friend.' 

    She asked me about it, after the wedding, and I bean-dipped her, saying 'Oh, we weren't able to invite everyone we would have liked, we wanted a small, family and close-friends only wedding, etc.'

    She persisted and said, 'But you were in my wedding, and I should have been invited to yours.'

    I tried bean-dipping again.

    She kept pushing.

    I finally said, 'Yes, but you married a racist, bigoted, xenophobic asshole whom NO ONE likes. I didn't want any of my loved ones to have to deal with your asshole of a husband all night, so you two didn't get invited. I'm sorry, but actions have consequences, and when your action is to marry an asshole, the consequence is that you don't get invited to polite society because your husband is an asshole.'

    She got huffy, but you know what? Not my problem. If she had just accepted my polite answer, we would have been fine.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear member
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    You're doing the right thing, and making the decision that will make the fewest people miserable- It's better to piss off the one asshole than make a bunch of nice people miserable having to listen to that asshole. 

    And I honestly am sad/confused/outraged that there are still people who honestly believe that being a woman, or gay, or anything other than white makes you less of a person.  It's just a level of stupid that I wish didn't exist. Shit like this is a reminder that no matter how fancy our gadgets get, we're still a bunch of cavemen.
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    FiancBFiancB member
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    I think you're doing the right thing as well. I wonder if it wouldn't be a bad idea to send her a message to say you really wish you could invite her and you're feeling sad about it. 

    OMG @HisGirlFriday13 ! It's like I know people like that exist, but it's still really jarring to hear a firsthand account of someone like that. Yikes. 

    I have family that's pretty conservative, leaning toward bigoted. FI has one uncle that can be like that too, although I'm pretty sure he'll keep it to himself. Our friends are nothing like that, and are also probably going to party pretty hard at our wedding. Also we're inviting a couple sets of lesbians that are awesome friends of ours. Shall be interesting. I hope my family leaves on the early side/ they'll just have to deal. I don't think they'll cause a scene over it though, and therein lies the difference.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    @FiancB -- Yeah, it's not a pleasant situation. And she's apparently been isolated from all her friends, and only hangs out with his friends, because -- surprise, surprise! -- her friends don't like him and his attitude. 
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche member
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    Thanks for all the support ladies. I know I'm making the best possible choice in a shitty situation, but it still just really sucks.

    @FiancB - I thought about it, but in this family it's definitely "least said is soonest mended". Once invites go out, if she asks, I'll tell her that budget was an issue or something.

    @HisGirlFriday13 - Do we just have great big neon signs over our heads flashing "crazies queue here"? I swear, between the two of us we have enough people in our lives on enough different levels of cray to make a Telemundo-style telenovella!
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    @urbaneca -- A friend of mine jokes that I have a neon sign saying, 'Give me your crazy, your nutty, your lost puppy dogs, your drama-llamas -- come to me!'

    I did not find it as amusing as she did. 

    But yes, you and I collectively could write a novel with the crazies in our lives. In fact, I'm going to start writing this down for future reference!!
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    afox007afox007 member
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    @urbaneca and @HisGirlFriday13 you aren't alone FI is convinced he had that same sign, but was nice enough to pass it along to me. Now even his crazies come straight to me. Hell FMIL is convinced we should invite his ex wife since it would be nice to take a family picture and the ex is still DS's mom and her sweet daughter in law. 
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    @afox007:

    Oh.


    My.


    God.



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    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    afox007afox007 member
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    @afox007:

    Oh.


    My.


    God.



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    Don't worry I have plenty of booze around for just such an emergency :) Best part of the family pic idea is she wants two one with ME in it and one without...apparently the ex will always be family since she had FI's kid, but since marriage number one may fail this one will too. 

    BUT FI already started budgeting to hire security when his mom inevitably tells ex when and where the wedding is. 
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    KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche member
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    @afox007 I am so, so, so, so, SO sorry. Your FMIL is insane if she thinks that's a good idea. Not to be rude, but FI can take pictures with DS and the ex ANY OTHER FREAKING TIME.
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    phiraphira member
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    @afox007 I don't have enough nope for all that. Nuh uh.

    @urbaneca I'm entirely with you. Like @hisgirlfriday13 says, actions have consequences. Your godmother is married to someone who will, nearly guaranteed, say terrible things to you and your guests during your wedding. While you can't control everyone's behavior and guarantee that everyone has THE BEST TIME EVER at your wedding, not inviting a genuine asshat who will verbally harass other guests because he's a bigoted bigot is a HUGE step towards ensuring your guests' comfort.
    Anniversary
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    afox007afox007 member
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    urbaneca said:

    @afox007 I am so, so, so, so, SO sorry. Your FMIL is insane if she thinks that's a good idea. Not to be rude, but FI can take pictures with DS and the ex ANY OTHER FREAKING TIME.

    FMIL is completely BSC and FI has no idea why he would EVER need to be in a picture with his ex again regardless of if its on our wedding day or just a random Tuesday.
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    KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche member
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    afox007 said:
    @afox007 I am so, so, so, so, SO sorry. Your FMIL is insane if she thinks that's a good idea. Not to be rude, but FI can take pictures with DS and the ex ANY OTHER FREAKING TIME.
    FMIL is completely BSC and FI has no idea why he would EVER need to be in a picture with his ex again regardless of if its on our wedding day or just a random Tuesday.
    Also true. I haven't had pictures with my whole family since my parents divorced, because my parents aren't family (to each other) anymore.
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    phiraphira member
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    My brother wanted photos of our family at his wedding, so we have photos of the five of us. My parents are extremely bitterly divorced, and I'm estranged from my dad. They are some of the most awkward, most upsetting photos I've ever seen. I hope my sister doesn't ask for the same thing for her wedding. I love her very much, and I'll do those photos if she wants, but ugh. No. Come on. We're not a family anymore, can we stop pretending?
    Anniversary
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    afox007afox007 member
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    phira said:
    My brother wanted photos of our family at his wedding, so we have photos of the five of us. My parents are extremely bitterly divorced, and I'm estranged from my dad. They are some of the most awkward, most upsetting photos I've ever seen. I hope my sister doesn't ask for the same thing for her wedding. I love her very much, and I'll do those photos if she wants, but ugh. No. Come on. We're not a family anymore, can we stop pretending?
    I've never understood this logic. Wedding pictures should be a way to remember a special day not an excuse to fake a happy family picture. 
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    phiraphira member
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    @afox007 Yeah, I don't understand why he wanted those photos either. His wedding was the first for our generation in our family and in my ex-SIL's family, and the first wedding in a while, so we basically had 4 bitterly divorced people (and an estranged daughter AND grandparents who loathe each other, etc) and no precedent set. Because of the estrangement, I feel like I just need to go with the flow and do what makes my siblings happy, since I'd like them to do the same for me, so I didn't say anything. I do hope that when my brother remarries, and when my sister gets married, that someone takes them aside and says, "Look, I know it's sad, but that family doesn't exist anymore. Do you REALLY want photos with your sister and dad next to each other?"

    The photographer at my brother's wedding clearly hadn't been informed about all the family politics, or he did know but figured it was hard enough keeping all of the angry divorced parents away from each other. The photographer for our wedding made it a point to say that she would like to know about any unusual situations so she can avoid making anyone uncomfortable and taking photos that make zero sense.
    Anniversary
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
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    afox007 said:
    phira said:
    My brother wanted photos of our family at his wedding, so we have photos of the five of us. My parents are extremely bitterly divorced, and I'm estranged from my dad. They are some of the most awkward, most upsetting photos I've ever seen. I hope my sister doesn't ask for the same thing for her wedding. I love her very much, and I'll do those photos if she wants, but ugh. No. Come on. We're not a family anymore, can we stop pretending?
    I've never understood this logic. Wedding pictures should be a way to remember a special day not an excuse to fake a happy family picture. 
    This. I am so glad I saw this. My parents are also bitterly divorced and there is no point to me taking pictures with them together. Everyone would look uncomfortable anyway and my dad is remarried. I wouldn't even be able to display it, it would be so awkward. Seeing this snapped me out of my happy fantasy world and back into reality.
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    phiraphira member
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    @cosenti7 I really wish I could ask my brother why he wanted those photos, but it might have been because it just didn't occur to him that the photos would be upsetting and unsettling.

    I think that we need to keep driving home the message that your wedding day is just a snapshot of your life at the time, and it's OKAY if not everyone can make it, or if you have family photos with your cousin's boyfriend who she thought she was going to marry at the time but dumped three months later. And it's okay if you don't have that traditional nuclear family; it's not like taking a photo of your divorced parents together will undo their divorce and change reality back.


    Anniversary
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    cosenti7cosenti7 member
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    @phira I'm sorry it was so uncomfortable for you. I originally did want photos like that, of the people I considered my family. I'm not close with his new wife or her children so I'm not looking forward to his request of those. After reading your posts, my must have shots will be : my sister, my mom, my FI and I and a separate shot of my sister, my dad, my FI and I. Out of respect for my dad, I will take some photos with his new family but they aren't a must have for my situation.
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