Spending parents' money

jenna8984 · March 2014

Ok if a parent wishes to pay for some/ all of the wedding as a gift (I know a few moms on here have admitted to this) I think this is so generous of them and doesn't mean the bride/ groom are spoiled brats. However, the way I was raised, I think the bride & groom should be gracious and thoughtful about how they spend the money. I know it's none of my business how anyone choses to spend their money so this is just a personal rant I guess. But it seriously gets under my skin when I've read at least a dozen times on these boards "I spent $XX on this item but no way I would have if it were my own money and/or I was paying". I'm sorry but that just really irks me- my parents worked insanely hard for their money, why would I ever "waste" that money on something I wouldn't pay for myself? I only call it a waste because you must think it is if you're not willing to pay that much yourself. But why is ok to take advantage and use their money for it? Again I don't mean accepting the gift as whole, I mean if push came to shove you wouldn't spend more than say $2,000 of your own money on flowers yet you'll spend $5,000 on flowers if they're paying. This sounds judgey I'm sure but I think anyone is being a real a-hole when they just go to town spending NOT in a way they would treat their own money.

AprilH81 · March 2014

My parents in in-laws both gave us money with no strings attached and said we could use it for the wedding, honeymoon or save it for our next house. Together their funds accounted for just over half of the total wedding budget.

I spent that money like it was my own and kept the "splurges" to a minimum and worked every deal I could find. I'm just too practical to spend more more money just because it isn't "mine" and if anything I would be MORE careful knowing I was spending someone else's money.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

No, I agree with you. DH and I went into wedding planning with the mindset we would pay for everything ourselves. My parents said they would 'help' and although I didn't think they wouldn't, we just didn't plan on it -- if they did, great, if not, no worries.

From the get-go, my mom said she wanted to pay for the flowers. That was fine. I had a very specific idea of what I wanted for a bouquet (white, no roses*). Other than that, I let her pick -- she was paying for them, so she got to make the call. (Also, she REALLY LOVES flowers, and this meant a lot to her, and she has good taste, so as long as there were no roses, I was fine with whatever she picked).

We got really good deals on the DJ ($500) and the photographer ($500 and a hotel room) and we paid for those, plus our wedding bands, officiant's fee, licence fee, GM/RB ties, DH's suit, my undergarments, my shoes, my other accessories, our wedding gifts to each other, cake, decorations, centrepiece elements, etc. ourselves.

About three weeks before the wedding, my parents surprised us by saying they wanted to pay for the whole reception -- because they had budgeted X amount to give us for the wedding in general, and our reception came in well under that.

My dad said, 'You did such an amazing job cutting corners and doing things inexpensively, we are able to do this for you, and we want to.'

We didn't cut corners, but I did do a lot of saying, 'Whichever option is cheapest is what we're doing!' (DIY table letters, centrepieces, escort cards, etc.)

I actually felt MORE of a responsibility to be fiscally conservative with my parents' money than I would have with DH's and my money.

But I am also infuriated by people who spend other people's money recklessly and with utter disregard.

*DH hates roses in all forms and asked specifically to make sure there were no roses in our wedding flowers. It was the only floral request he made, so I had no problem honouring that.

Sugargirl1019 · March 2014

I see where you are coming from.

I would hope though that the gifted money would contribute to what you want, not some toned down cheap version of it because you want to be "nice".

/said in as nice of a way as possible without trying to sound spoiled.

You want whomever is gifting to feel their gift is truly appreciated and used to its fullest extent in quality, not trying to get as much out of it as possible for quantity.

SmileDamnit · March 2014

AprilH81 said:

My parents in in-laws both gave us money with no strings attached and said we could use it for the wedding, honeymoon or save it for our next house. Together their funds accounted for just over half of the total wedding budget.

I spent that money like it was my own and kept the "splurges" to a minimum and worked every deal I could find. I'm just too practical to spend more more money just because it isn't "mine" and if anything I would be MORE careful knowing I was spending someone else's money.

This. We're very lucky to have our parents' assistance with the wedding and I find I am far more cognizant of how their money is being spent than if it were my/our own. I think only spoiled brats would be flippantly wasteful AND do so proudly, no?

NYCBruin · March 2014

I totally understand where you are coming from, although I do somewhat see the other side. Gifts are often supposed to be things that the recipient would never get/do for themselves.

Examples include designer bags or massages. These are both things I enjoy but can't justify spending money on. They make lovely gifts though.

I could never justify spending (basically any) money on flowers for our wedding (they die and don't affect my guests' comfort), but I'm willing to splurge and actually get some due to the financial contribution my parents are giving us. My mom even said "Bruin, just get the damn flowers, we're giving you this money so that you can have nicer things at your wedding than you would otherwise."

Now, for the posters that spend ridiculous amounts of money just because it's someone else's money, I'm 10000000000% with you. It really irks me when people act like the money isn't real just because it isn't theirs.

Emmy1493 · March 2014

I agree as well. When we started planning, we figured we would do our best with what we have. FI parents decided they wanted to help, as they did with their other children when they were getting married. We were still very careful as to not spend frivolously, and feel our costs are pretty moderate for our area/the month and time we are having it.

jenna8984 · March 2014

@sugargirl1019 I agree- no one should feel oh my god I have to serve big mac meals to save my parent's money. But they should still stay with what they would feel comfortable paying for.

@nycbruin Great point. You sound very down to Earth and your mom basically talked you into the flowers so I assume you're probably not going nuts on them. That is different than you demanding the biggest and best flowers that you don't even care for.

I just can't believe that I continue to see those statement on here- I'm just like wow you bitches exist?! lol

@aprilh81 & @hisgirlfriday13 Same here. When I first got engaged my father said, "Well I guess it's traditional for the bride's father to pay...here is the budget that I'm willing to work with. You can use it however you like- wedding, honeymoon, your home improvements, your bank account, etc." It was already a very modest number to begin with (like less than a honda civic) and after FI and I got some prices we replied, "We can't thank you enough. We have decided that we feel comfortable paying for everything under the sun if you would please pay $x for the food and venue rentals." That number we gave him is less than half of his original number and we refuse to take the rest. Knowing him, he quite possibly may give it to us as a wedding check anyways but we made it very clear that we don't want or expect it and are extremely happy with what he is contributing.

My SIL (brother's wife which I don't care too fondly for) had a similar offer by her mother and she went ape shit with it, spent every penny. It didn't even cross her mind that not spending all of it was an option. Different strokes for different folks but I truly think that says something about your character.

McCMal · March 2014

My mother is helping on some of the more outskirt things. She is taking care of the hotels, since most of my family must travel across state. This makes it easier for me to plan, and I don't feel quite as bad as I would actually spending her money. I would really almost hate it and panic if she handed me a check and said spend it wisely. I wouldn't want to spend any of it.

But she found me a 'crew' of some of her friends who would be willing to come and work the kitchens for us, and she is paying for their hotels along with hotels for our friends who are coming and playing the music for the reception.

pumpkinsandturkeys · March 2014

My parents gifted us a considerable amount of money 2/3 of the way into our engagement, after our budget was set and many things had been paid for/agreed upon.

FI and I both agreed that we would not alter our budget as a result of this generous gift. The purpose of my parents giving us this money is to allow us a better financial start to our marriage. If we spent that money AND our own allocated funds on the wedding, this would completely counteract what their intention was in giving us the money.

AddieCake · March 2014

This is where the word BUDGET comes in. If the parents give a specific amount of money, then the couple can't "overspend" it. My father gave me a budget. "Here's the amount of money I'm giving you." I could either come in under that or open my own wallet.

grumbledore · March 2014

FI's parents offered to pay for our catering and beverages - we did use the opportunity to have slightly nicer food (but still well within what they were comfortable spending) and the gift allowed us to slightly increase our budget in a couple of other areas (dj, photos) but we definitely aren't going buckwild.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

My parents paid for our wedding. We had a much bigger wedding then H and I could have ever afforded. I don't think us spending more then what we would/could have is spoiled. My parents gave us a budget and we stuck to it. I searched for great vendors who had good pricing. I didn't go hog wild and splurge on everything. I was careful with the choices that were made and I spoke with my parents about each decision before anything final was picked.

I do not think it is selfish to spend more on something if the funds are given to you. Just because financially you wouldn't spend X amount on flowers because of the funds you personally have available doesn't mean it is wrong to spend Y amount on flowers because you were gifted money.

What I do think is selfish is going beyond the set budget provided by your parents or spending the funds they gave you and then going back and asking for more. That is disrespectful of their finances.

tcnoble · March 2014

@jenna8984 ditto everything you said!!! After FI proposed to me we had the wedding financial discussion with our parents, mine agreed to pay for our wedding with a budget of $X, with his parents covering portions of their choosing (like the bar and rehearsal dinner). I respect my parents far too much to spend their money on things I wouldn't cough up the cash to pay for myself. Had we been responsible to fund our own wedding, we would be doing the EXACT same things, it would've just been put off by a few years so we could save.

Especially when the wedding funds are offered up out of pure goodness of heart, I think it is really selfish to take advantage of that - as if your parents (or whoever is paying) didn't have to work hard for that money in the first place!

I agree with @Maggie0829 in the sense that I don't think it's wrong to spend more on something IF ITS IN THE BUDGET. We spent more on a photobooth than we would have on our own budget, but it didn't put my parents in an uncomfortable position because it still kept us well within our given budget.

I would love to be able to tell my dad we came in UNDER budget for the wedding!! I'm sure he would be pleasantly surprised haha

Fran1985 · March 2014

I'm paying for my own wedding, but I know a lot of times parents are giving money not just to give their kids a wedding, but to make it a wedding they would like. IE the couple would have a bbq vibe but the parents want a big formal blow out. So the couple are spending way more than they would if it was their money.

Also just in general, if parents have set aside "wedding money" than they don't have to make choices about it, where a wedding couple might be thinking and making choices like "upgrade flowers or bigger down payment from the house." Just like I don't go get my nails done, but if someone gives me a gift card to the spa you see the dust from my feet going so fast to get there. I of course think that the people receiving money should be super grateful, but I can see spending more when it is a gift. On a much smaller scale obviously, but wouldn't it be weird if you gave your friend a gift card for $100 for her birthday to go to a great dinner with her husband, and she gave you 50 back and said thanks so much, but we only had apps?

FiancB · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

My parents paid for our wedding. We had a much bigger wedding then H and I could have ever afforded. I don't think us spending more then what we would/could have is spoiled. My parents gave us a budget and we stuck to it. I searched for great vendors who had good pricing. I didn't go hog wild and splurge on everything. I was careful with the choices that were made and I spoke with my parents about each decision before anything final was picked.

I do not think it is selfish to spend more on something if the funds are given to you. Just because financially you wouldn't spend X amount on flowers because of the funds you personally have available doesn't mean it is wrong to spend Y amount on flowers because you were gifted money.

What I do think is selfish is going beyond the set budget provided by your parents or spending the funds they gave you and then going back and asking for more. That is disrespectful of their finances.

Yeah, getting to have a nicer wedding than you otherwise would is one thing. Blowing it all on an ice sculpture is quite another.

Other than a very nice gift of $1k from his parents, we're paying for stuff ourselves. We didn't go like "OMG what should we blow it on?" but just breathed a sigh of relief that the stuff we were planning on anyway was going to cost us $1k less.

My parents did pay for my sister's. I don't think she had a set budget but still kept things really cheap. She got her dress on sale for $350.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

I had an interesting situation with my parents funding my wedding. When I got engaged, I announced I was not having a traditional wedding and would be having a private wedding on an island. I fully intended on paying for it myself. However, my mom begged me to reconsider, regardless of the family drama she knew would ensue. I agreed to have a traditional wedding if my parents agreed to pay for it. So, they did! I was not given a set budget, so every time I searched for a vendor, I called them up and asked if it was reasonable. I never got a "no". I am the first person to admit that how I approached it was selfish in some ways. I spent way more money than I needed to spend, but my parents did approve it. I ended up kicking in tens of thousands of my own money, but that was mostly spent on the wedding bands and honeymoon (which was originally all I wanted in the first place!)

jenna8984 · March 2014

@jells2dot0 I guess some parents really are "money is no object" and would be offended/ embarrassed if their kid's wedding wasn't a big blowout.

My parents are quite the opposite- penny pinchers who think weddings are a waste of money so that makes a big difference lol.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

jenna8984 said:
@jells2dot0 I guess some parents really are "money is no object" and would be offended/ embarrassed if their kid's wedding wasn't a big blowout.
My parents are quite the opposite- penny pinchers who think weddings are a waste of money so that makes a big difference lol.

I curtailed some of their wishes, too! My wedding would have been twice the size if I had let it. Looking back, I feel like I was that selfish bride who just "took advantage" of a gift. The circumstances were strange, but I would be annoyed at me if I was on the outside looking in.

Spending parents' money

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