Chit Chat

I shouldn't have asked

In another thread recently, I made the comment about, 'You wouldn't ask someone to rearrange their dinner plans because of you, so why would you ask someone to rearrange their wedding plans for you?'

Clearly, neither of my premises is accurate.

A friend of mine (the director of religious ed at my parish, whom I've mentioned before as being not terribly swift) and I had made tentative plans for dinner this week, some night after work. (DH doesn't especially care for her, so I try to do things with her without him).

I told her last week that only Monday and Tuesday worked for me -- Wednesday I have a work function, Thursday I have Stations of the Cross at church, and Friday DH and I go to the Lenten fish fry at a neighbouring parish.

She texts me today and says, 'Dinner?' I said, 'I can do tonight only.' She says, 'That won't work.'

So then we go back and forth and she asks why I can't do it Wednesday (work), Thursday (church), or Friday (DH plans). Then she wants to do something Friday because her maybe-boyfriend is in town. I said we could meet for drinks after. She asked, 'Well, I know you and [DH] were planning to go to the fish fry, but can't you come to dinner with us instead?' and then named a really expensive GF restaurant she likes. 

It's Friday, we already can't eat meat, I'm not terribly interested in have GF, lactose-free, vegan food on top of that because that's how she chooses to eat.

I reiterated that drinks would work (figuring DH could invite his friend who recently moved back to the area so he'd have someone to talk to). 

She finally said, 'Well, I guess that will have to work. I don't understand -- you're married to him, so you see him all the time, why can't you give up one date night to do something with friends?'

It's 2 p.m. and I need a drink.
Anniversary

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I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

Re: I shouldn't have asked

  • I think people don't think how things affect others anymore. It's a selfish me mentality and I'm seeing it a lot in this entire wedding planning process.
  • Because I like my husband enough to not abandon him just to hang out with YOU... Oops sorry I'm just a girl who values and adores time with my man.

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  • @Sugargirl1019, right?!? Because of our work schedules, DH and I get about an hour together Sunday through Thursday nights. Fridays and Saturdays are our 'us' days, and I absolutely keep those sacred.

    And we do do things with our friends on those nights -- but usually with friends we BOTH like, not just friends of mine or friends of his.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I think drinks after the fish fry sound fantastic - grab an appetizer or something. Chit chat. Why does a full blown meal with food you hate at a price you hate even more have to be the ONLY possible option or else it's not worth it?

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  • I don't understand why it matters with whom you have plans -- you have plans. Period. Why is it acceptable to break/alter those plans simply because they're with your husband?

    If you were having dinner with another friend and invited her along, would it be acceptable for her to ask you to change those plans? Doubtful. I'm having a difficult time comprehending why she thinks you can treat a spouse with less respect and courtesy than anyone else.


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  • I think it was rude of her to ask and to make the assumption that just because he is you husband it is ok for you to cancel plans with him. Especially since it sounds like you two are doing something church related (the fish fries are at churches right?). FI and I have cancelled "plans" with eachother to go to do stuff with friends though. I don't mean like formal date night kind of plans, more let try to go out and grab a drink, not formal plans.
  • Ya know..some people actually STILL DATE their spouses...Would you cancel a DATE for this woman..no..would she cancel a date for your..probably not...just because you are married doesn't mean your plans with DH are LESS significant. 
    Anniversary
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yeah, you married him. Why would you want to spend time with him??image
    OKAY RIGHT
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • @jdluvr6 -- These are plans at the church, yes. And it's not that she wants me to cancel with him, although she'd prefer that, she really wants us to cancel our plans entirely and double-date with her and her maybe boyfriend.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Oh ok. It is still super rude of her to assume that.
  • I mean, the conversation was:

    Her: Can we get together for dinner this week?
    Me: Tonight is the only option; I'm busy the other nights.
    Her: What are you doing tomorrow?
    Me: I have a work function Wednesday, Stations on Thursday, and the church fish fry with DH on Friday.
    Her: Oh. Well could you and DH skip the fish fry and have a double-date with me and BF instead?
    Me: No, this is one of our Lenten traditions and it means a lot to us, and it's our date night, so we really don't want to skip dinner. But you're welcome to join us, or we'll meet you out after for drinks.
    Her: But what if you just did dinner next week, and did dinner this week with me?
    Me: No, it's our tradition to do the fish fry every Friday in Lent. We did it last year when we were engaged and before DH was even Catholic, and we enjoy going. Again, how about drinks?
    Her: But you could just do dinner next week, and you and DH and BF and I could go to Expensive Vegan Place.
    Me: How about drinks? 
    Her: Well, I guess that will have to work. I don't understand -- you're married to him, so you see him all the time, why can't you give up one date night to do something with friends?
    Me: We'll meet you for drinks, or you can join us for dinner, but our dinner plans are non-negotiable. We're going to the fish-fry.
    Her: I don't understand, but whatever.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Rude! This frustrated me reading it.

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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ahahahaha basically:

    "Do you want to do dinner this week?"
    "Sure, but tonight's the only night that works."
    "Okay, how about later this week?"

    I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • @phira, pretty.damn.much, yep.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I liked the part in the conversation was that you took the time to explain how important Friday was, after explaining it once already, and that it wasn't going to happen, yet she asked again if you could cancel it without missing a beat... Made me laugh.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • That's soooo annoying!! I mean, once your married your just supposed to disregard your spouse? True friends wouldn't think/say the things she did. I wouldn't even know how to respond to that. As for going somewhere expensive and you don't like, that's very one sided. I'd tell her to get over it and that you have already made these plans and unfortunately cannot change them. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


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  • I mean, the conversation was:

    Her: Can we get together for dinner this week?
    Me: Tonight is the only option; I'm busy the other nights.
    Her: What are you doing tomorrow?
    Me: I have a work function Wednesday, Stations on Thursday, and the church fish fry with DH on Friday.
    Her: Oh. Well could you and DH skip the fish fry and have a double-date with me and BF instead?
    Me: No, this is one of our Lenten traditions and it means a lot to us, and it's our date night, so we really don't want to skip dinner. But you're welcome to join us, or we'll meet you out after for drinks.
    Her: But what if you just did dinner next week, and did dinner this week with me?
    Me: No, it's our tradition to do the fish fry every Friday in Lent. We did it last year when we were engaged and before DH was even Catholic, and we enjoy going. Again, how about drinks?
    Her: But you could just do dinner next week, and you and DH and BF and I could go to Expensive Vegan Place.
    Me: How about drinks? 
    Her: Well, I guess that will have to work. I don't understand -- you're married to him, so you see him all the time, why can't you give up one date night to do something with friends?
    Me: We'll meet you for drinks, or you can join us for dinner, but our dinner plans are non-negotiable. We're going to the fish-fry.
    Her: I don't understand, but whatever.

    ITB: 


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  • chibiyui said:
    By the way, my entire take away from this as basically amounted to "Wait, there's an expensive vegan place in Small Town PA"?
    Seriously, because I grew up in Middle of Nowhere Central PA. @HisGirlFriday13 I feel like you can't be too far from where I grew up.  
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  • I kind of giggled reading that. It sounded like some type of dialogue from a sitcom or something. No offense to your friend but she sounds a little clueless.
  • @chibiyui and @mysticl -- it's not even local. It's actually near where I work, which is 45 minutes from where I live, so it would mean DH was driving up in his own and we'd have two cars in the city, which means twice as much in parking fees.

    I mean, it's local in that it's within driving distance, but it's not local as in close.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • @chibiyui and @mysticl -- it's not even local. It's actually near where I work, which is 45 minutes from where I live, so it would mean DH was driving up in his own and we'd have two cars in the city, which means twice as much in parking fees. I mean, it's local in that it's within driving distance, but it's not local as in close.
    Yeah, that's not local.  
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  • As someone who is married and rarely gets to see their DH, I'm very intolerant of this type of behavior. I didn't realize that once you are married that a husband is only there to keep the bed warm and take out the trash. It's mind blowing to think that someone might have plans with their DH and may actually enjoy them!

     







  • As someone who is married and rarely gets to see their DH, I'm very intolerant of this type of behavior. I didn't realize that once you are married that a husband is only there to keep the bed warm and take out the trash. It's mind blowing to think that someone might have plans with their DH and may actually enjoy them!
    He also opens jars of mayonnaise that are stuck!  Seriously though, I like having DH around too much to blow him off, especially for a friend that would annoy the crap out of him.
  • Sounds like she doesn't "get" a lot of things.

    Maybe another time you can have dinner or drinks one on one where you can tell her that your feelings were hurt.   I sometimes find that to be a better way of saying, "Jane you ignorant slut!" 
  • @chibiyui and @mysticl -- it's not even local. It's actually near where I work, which is 45 minutes from where I live, so it would mean DH was driving up in his own and we'd have two cars in the city, which means twice as much in parking fees. I mean, it's local in that it's within driving distance, but it's not local as in close.
    Well, that makes alot more sense then.
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    Anniversary
  • Thank you all for validating my idea that I'm not crazy.

    @banana468 -- I like that idea (and I giggled at the 'ignorant slut' comment). She's one of those people who believes that because she and I are friends, our SOs have to be friends, too, and I have tried, repeatedly, explaining to her that that's not how it works. Some times, people in relationships have friends who are also in relationships, and their SOs just don't mesh well for whatever reason, and so they never become friends. And that's OK.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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