2 BM are dropping out 4 months till wedding

Rachaels268 · March 2014

Admittedly I've been very distant ever since one bm moved to Brooklyn and the other to Boston. I really dropped the ball on calling them and showing I cared when things were going on in their lives. But now, 4 months before my wedding they are coming out and telling me they are done with me. They both think they have grown apart from me and despise the fact they have to do anything for my wedding.

If they drop out I then have 2 bm (1 is his sister, the other my brother's wife) and he has 5 groomsmen. I really don't have any other friends or family I can ask to be in my wedding party, (I'm really not that bad of a person, just had bad luck with friends). I'm so embarrassed and don't know how to handle it. Help!

banana468 · March 2014

Can you call and apologize and try to get these friends back? What concerns me is you seem to write this as a wedding concern and not a life one.

JaxInBlue · March 2014

Agree with banana. If you value these ladies as friends, it would be good to try to fix your relationship with them now, even if they ultimately decide not to stand with you in your wedding.

Additionally, what do they feel they have to do for your wedding? The responsibilities of bridesmaids are to get the dress (provided you clear both the dress and its costs with them in a one-on-one way before making a final decision) and to smile for pictures. Beyond that, participating in other activities is optional.

If these friends decide they cannot stand in your wedding, then there's nothing for you to do. Uneven sides are fine - you don't ask anyone to serve as replacement bridesmaids, especially so close to your wedding.

jneen101 · March 2014

I don't think you're going to be able to change their minds about being in the wedding. I would try to start being a better friend so you can maybe repair the relationship to some extent but I think you should also just try to accept the fact that you now only have 2 bridesmaids, which to me is the least of your problems.

AddieCake · March 2014

I agree with PPs. Remove the wedding from it and focus on repairing these friendships if you want these ladies as friends. As for the wedding party, don't worry about your sides being uneven.

zitiqueen · March 2014

Rachaels268 said:

Admittedly I've been very distant ever since one bm moved to Brooklyn and the other to Boston. I really dropped the ball on calling them and showing I cared when things were going on in their lives. But now, 4 months before my wedding they are coming out and telling me they are done with me. They both think they have grown apart from me and despise the fact they have to do anything for my wedding.
If they drop out I then have 2 bm (1 is his sister, the other my brother's wife) and he has 5 groomsmen. I really don't have any other friends or family I can ask to be in my wedding party, (I'm really not that bad of a person, just had bad luck with friends). I'm so embarrassed and don't know how to handle it. Help!

What are you asking that they do for your wedding?

Also, common denominator and all...

Rachaels268 · March 2014

Trust me I know that this problem is so much bigger then my wedding... it's only one of my problems and this is a wedding board so that's why I focused on it. Thinking of seeing a shrink to talk about the other stuff.

My shower is in two weeks and they have apparently been completely none existent for the shower. One is my MOH and she started to plan the whole thing awhile ago, but has completely dropped the ball. My family had to say something to her about it. The other has not paid her share for the shower (not that I asked her to but it is what they all agreed on early on)

Also they both have had nothing to do with my bachelorette party. I'm not even sure if they were planning on going.

mlg78 · March 2014

They don't need to be "existent" for your shower. Hell, they don't even have to attend, especially since they don't live locally. They don't have to give you a shower at all or contribute. The only "duties" of a wedding party member is to buy whatever dress you ask of them within their budget and to show up wearing it on your wedding day. I agree with the common denominator comment. You clearly have a huge issue with maintaining friendships and this has nothing to do with the wedding although I'm certain it hasn't helped. At this point I wouldn't even focus on the wedding at all but if you want to repair the friendship, do so immediately, but don't mention the wedding at all.

singinchick13 · March 2014

OP think about it from their perspective. You move away and one of your friends tells you she is getting married and would like you to be in the wedding party. You start to plan a shower and are excited at first, but then this 'friend' of yours stops calling or messaging you, even just to say hi. At this point her family starts asking for your monetary contribution to a party for this girl who seems to have forgotten you exist. I think that would probably put a bad taste in my mouth as well, and I certainly would not want to put my valuable time and money toward someone who seems like they could not care less if I was alive or dead.

I think if you truly value these ladies as friends, you need to tell them. Call them and have a heartfelt conversation, or if they will not pick up, send them an email apologizing and explaining how important they are to you. Let them know it would mean a lot if they could come to the wedding as guests. Do not mention the wedding party or any duties or things you will need help with. Emphasize that the important thing to you is that you are able to share one of the most important days of your life with two dear friends you hope will be around for a lifetime.

zitiqueen · March 2014

Rachaels268 said:

Trust me I know that this problem is so much bigger then my wedding... it's only one of my problems and this is a wedding board so that's why I focused on it. Thinking of seeing a shrink to talk about the other stuff.
My shower is in two weeks and they have apparently been completely none existent for the shower. One is my MOH and she started to plan the whole thing awhile ago, but has completely dropped the ball. My family had to say something to her about it. The other has not paid her share for the shower (not that I asked her to but it is what they all agreed on early on)
Also they both have had nothing to do with my bachelorette party. I'm not even sure if they were planning on going.

Are they planning your bachelorette party. or did somebody else take charge of that? You do know they're not required to plan one for you or even attend, right?

AddieCake · March 2014

If they chose to host a shower and started planning one and and then just didn't bother, I agree that isn't cool. They don't need to have anything to do with the bachelorette party, though, so that information is irrelevant.

MairePoppy · March 2014

Uneven sides for your wedding party are fine. The gm can wait at the front with your fi, the bms can walk down the aisle before you. Or everyone could walk single file.

At least you're acknowledging that you're at fault in the loss of your friends. If you hope to salvage your friendships, you could let them know you're working on your problems. I hope you'll follow through on the counseling.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

H and 5 GMs and I had two BMs. It did not look weird. Sides do not have to be even.

As for the rest. If these two girls agreed to plan/pay for a shower for you and then they are not following through leaving the rest of the girls who are helping in a bad position of covering costs then that is not cool, but that is not something you should get involved in. However, they do not have to plan or throw you a bachelorette party.

I would call them up and apologize that you basically fell off the face of the earth as a friend to them. Do not bring up your wedding in this conversation.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

I say focus on your two remaining BM to make sure those relationships stay well & then try to work on the other two relationships to see if they can be mended. Send them "Thinking of you cards" and when you have time email or call them. If they ask about wedding stuff, just say, things are going well but I don't want to talk about it, I want to catch up on what you've been doing. Hopefully after a while things will get better & they will feel great about coming to your wedding as guests & continue the friendships from there.

MyNameIsNot · March 2014

Rachaels268 said:

Trust me I know that this problem is so much bigger then my wedding... it's only one of my problems and this is a wedding board so that's why I focused on it. Thinking of seeing a shrink to talk about the other stuff.
My shower is in two weeks and they have apparently been completely none existent for the shower. One is my MOH and she started to plan the whole thing awhile ago, but has completely dropped the ball. My family had to say something to her about it. The other has not paid her share for the shower (not that I asked her to but it is what they all agreed on early on)
Also they both have had nothing to do with my bachelorette party. I'm not even sure if they were planning on going.

It sounds like your MOH feels coerced or pressured by your family to throw this shower. Did she really offer to throw it, or did she start planning because she thought she was under some obligation?

Honestly, if two of your four closest friends are ending your friendships, it's huge cause for alarm. If I were in your shoes, this would have me combing through every interaction over the last year trying to figure out what all I'd done wrong and what I needed to do to fix the friendship.

There's no such thing as "bad luck" with friendships. You have to be a friend to have a friend.

2 BM are dropping out 4 months till wedding

Re: 2 BM are dropping out 4 months till wedding

Choose Another Board

Search Boards