Wedding Etiquette Forum

Throwing a Shower

clcountryclcountry member
Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
edited March 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I offered to throw a bridal shower for a friend, and already I'm regretting it. Nothing major has happened yet, but lot's of little things with the bride and her mother are making me worried about what will happen as the shower gets closer (it's set for the beginning of June).   

First, the date that worked best for me got vetoed because it didn't work for a friend of the bride's mother. Fine, just because it was the best date, didn't mean it was the only date. No big deal. 

 Then, they started trying to get me to move the shower to another friend's house or a rent a room at the town hall because they could invite more people. I was hesitant , because 1.) throwing a decent shower is a lot of work and hard enough in my own home. I don't want to add in transferring all of my stuff to another location and then cleaning up someone else's kitchen after cooking in it all day. and 2.) I can't afford to host any more people, anyway. 

 Now, they want to add people to the guest list who aren't invited to the wedding and put a line on these people's invitations that says "No gifts." The reasoning is that they can't accommodate everyone at the wedding, but know these people would want to celebrate with them anyway.

 I've officially vetoed the alternate location and tried to suggest that inviting people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding is unkind, but what are my responsibilities if they continue to push it? These people are very close friends of my family (the bride was my best friend growing up, our parents, aunts and uncles are friends, our grandparents were friends; we sometimes spend holidays together), and pushing back too hard could turn very uncomfortable for me. At the same time, I don't want to be rude by inviting people not invited to the wedding, and I definitely don't want to be pushed into hosting a party I can't really afford or is more than I planned on doing. Any advice for containing this before the situation gets out of hand? 

Re: Throwing a Shower

  • Tell them you had a budget in mind when you offered to host. If anyone offers to cohost you might consider it somewhere else, but not because you need more space for ppl not invited to wedding. That is awkward and rude and they probably don't really want to celebrate anyways!
  • I would simply say, "I'm sorry, but I can only host X number of people in my house, thank you for being so understanding- this is going to be so much fun!"

    Is there one that you are closer to?  Maybe you have a hear to heart that you do want to host the shower, but are becoming overwhelmed with their demands?

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  • All the above plus...a shower with no gifts isn't a shower...
  • Wow! What makes them think you should accommodate guests at the shower, when they can't accommodate them at the wedding? It's rude to invite people to a shower if they're not on the wedding invitation list. Writing 'no gifts' on those invitations doesn't absolve them of the etiquette breech. It makes it worse.

    You should tell them that the extra guests aren't in your budget. You were gracious enough to offer to throw a shower in your home for X people. The bride should have accepted or politely declined. If what you're offering isn't suitable to them, MOB should host her own party.

  • Sorry, got stuck in the box. I agree that it makes it worse. I tried to imagine myself showing up without a gift--since the invite said not to bring one!--only to realize that most of the other guests had. Humiliating. 
  • I think the ship for this not turning into a cluster has sailed.

    I would just say to them, 'I can afford to host X people, period. How you choose to divvy up those invites is up to you, although I think inviting to the shower people who aren't invited to the wedding -- AND telling them 'no gifts' -- is likely to cause hurt feelings. Imagine how those people will feel when everyone else shows up with a gift and they're empty-handed.'

    I wouldn't even get into being able to host more people if you have more contributors, because you still run into the problem of having to clean up at the end of the day.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That was rude of them to push more guests and a different venue on you.

    You offered to host, the bride accepted. Therefore, if these family members are not hosting, they really have no say in where it is held or what happens at the party (besides the bride providing an appropriate guest list).

    I would tell them that when you offered to host the shower, you offered with X budget available, which includes the venue, and cannot afford to host extra guests or "upgrade" to a more elaborate venue (I like intimate "house showers"). You could tell them you do not feel comfortable inviting guests that are not invited to the wedding. 

    If these family members are so keen to host such a big bash, then one of them can throw the bride another shower with all their friends if they so wish! 
  • Thank you for the support, everyone. I've been feeling like I was being unreasonable since it is, after all, not about me.

    I can't throw the party I would like to throw because budget and space just won't allow it (the shower will be 10-15 guests in my home), but I will make delicious food and throw it with lots of love. That's all I can do, right? 

  • clcountry said:

    Thank you for the support, everyone. I've been feeling like I was being unreasonable since it is, after all, not about me.

    I can't throw the party I would like to throw because budget and space just won't allow it (the shower will be 10-15 guests in my home), but I will make delicious food and throw it with lots of love. That's all I can do, right? 

    Not only is that all you can do, it is all that can reasonably be expected of you. You sound like a wonderful friend!
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