FI's sisters as BM?

BNS810 · March 2014

Our wedding is 7 months away and I thought we were on the same page for our wedding party. FI has 2 sisters and a brother who have shown little to no interest in the wedding. His mom has been asking about my BMs a lot (what their wearing and such) but I thought she was just trying to show interest. It turns out it's because she is assuming her daughters will be BMs and that was her way of "hinting" I guess. FI is not super close with his family but we do see them fairly regularly. FI and I originally discussed his sisters as BMs and decided against it. We planned to include them in the ceremony by having each of them do a reading. Now FI is feeling pressured and wants to please everyone. He doesn't want to force me to include them but he doesn't want them to feel excluded either. Here is my dilemma, I am more than willing to include them in my bridal party if that is what FI truly wants, but I don't want to do it just to make everyone else happy. I don't really get along with his sisters and I don't feel like they have really welcomed me into their family. Neither sister has even asked how the planning was going unless I brought it up. At Christmas his one sister asked FI about whether or not she would be in the wedding. He asked her what she would like to do if she was and she said she'd like to be a BM but she wouldn't just stand and pass out papers. Maybe I am being petty. Something about the idea of "I want to be included but only if it's a good enough job" really rubs me the wrong way. I want my bridal party to be people I really care about, and people that care about me. I am just not sure that his sisters fit, but I also don't want to look back in 10 years and regret it, nor do I want to still be listening to his mom complain about it. Any advice would be super helpful. Thanks!

mrsbizzz · March 2014

You do not need to include them as bridesmaids I understand being in the sort of situation where having them in the WP will keep the peace and that certainly is a good goal. However, please don't feel pressured to have them stand up with you, in particular. If it is important for them to be in the wedding party, they should stand up with your fiance. Absolutely do not let your FMIL or your FSIL to hold you hostage on this issue.

I am in the same boat - I didn't include FI's two sisters in the WP (we are not close - in fact the relationships have been rather tense at times) but asked them to do readings instead. I am sure feelings might have been hurt, but it was never revealed to me. I almost had a change of heart, but decided I only wanted my nearest and dearest standing up with me.

mrsbizzz · March 2014

Also, I would make this decision sooner rather than later. At 7 months out, you should really have your wedding party finalized, especially if your attendants have to travel or the chosen dresses aren't readily available.

BNS810 · March 2014

Thank you for your response. FI is not pressuring me!! Don't want him to come off looking like some crazy groomzilla. He is just torn between his mom, sisters, and me.

Since you were in the same situation, do you at all regret not including them?

And yes, I totally agree at 7 months out the wedding party should be finalized. I thought we had made this decision. I already asked my two girls and FI asked his two guys. We did this months ago. They have even been on the wedding website for months. I think the website is actually the cause of this sudden issue. His mom texted me asking questions about hotel blocks and I reminded her that the info was also on the website. She proceeded to ask me what I was talking about, which tells me she didn't even look at the save the date, but that's a whole other story!! Anyways, I guess she looked at the site saw our bridal party and then called FI to make him feel guilty.

thelastdreamer · March 2014

It is completely up to you to choose your attendants. If your FI wants them to be attendants, then they can be groomsmaids and stand on his side.

Also, a reading is a very appropriate honor to ask of someone, but his sister is right in that she shouldn't be asked to pass out programs. You should NEVER ask somebody to be your wedding coordinator, pass out your programs, be your personal helper, do your guest book, etc., unless they are a paid vendor.

BNS810 · March 2014

@thelastdreamer No worries! I'd never ask her to pass out programs. I know it's rude to invite someone to a party and then make them work. I know better!

That was just something that she told FI she was not willing to do. I was more bothered by the idea that she was dictating what she would or would not do instead of being happy to be a part of her brother's wedding not really the idea that she didn't want to pass out programs.

thelastdreamer · March 2014

Gotcha. Well I think you're fine. FI's sisters will live to tell about if they are not BMs lol

mrsbizzz · March 2014

@BNS810 - we are about two months out from the wedding and I have no regrets. Like I mentioned, I have a tense relationship with both of his sisters, although one relationship is much better than the other. They have not warmed to my presence at any point in FI and I's 8 year relationship and I didn't want any drama or negativity surrounding the big day.

FI also didn't feel strongly and we wanted to keep the WP small. We both figured that if someone was really hurt by their not being in the WP, they would have spoken up, as your FMIL is trying to do. The only trade-off was that my younger brother was not included in FI's groomsmen as an effort to keep the peace, despite the fact that FI and brother get along swimmingly.

Jen4948 · March 2014

If it's really important to your FI and his family that his sisters be in the WP, they can stand up on his side. The two sides do not have to be even.

MairePoppy · March 2014

BNS810 said:

@thelastdreamer No worries! I'd never ask her to pass out programs. I know it's rude to invite someone to a party and then make them work. I know better! That was just something that she told FI she was not willing to do. I was more bothered by the idea that she was dictating what she would or would not do instead of being happy to be a part of her brother's wedding not really the idea that she didn't want to pass out programs.

Your fi asked her what she wanted to do. Don't hold it against her for answering his question.

As an etiquette issue, you're not obligated to include siblings, but it may be their family tradition to do so. If fi wants to include his sisters in the wedding party, they could be groom's women. They could wear the same dress as the bms in the same or complementary color. Or they could match the groomsmen's suits.

ShesSoCold · March 2014

Please don't include them just for the sake of including them. If YOU WANT them to be in your wedding party, ask them. But it really doesn't sound like you do.

As a sister of the groom who has been asked to be a bridesmaid simply because I'm the sister, I can say that it sucks. I barely knew this girl and it was obvious that I wasn't exactly her first pick. For me, the whole things was awkward and I would have been much happier as a guest. Obviously every person and family is different and these girls may feel differently, so do what you think is best.

Good luck!

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Ditto PPs -- if he wants them to be involved, they can be groomsmaids and stand on his side.

I did include my SIL (brother's wife) in my WP -- in part because my mother really expected and wanted me to, but beyond that, she's very important to me. There was never a question, to me, of including her. I love her, she's my sister(-in-law), that's it.

But DH didn't have my brother stand on his side. My brother was an usher, a musician, and a reader at my wedding -- his involvement was all on 'my side' of the planning.

DH's sister very much expected to be in the wedding. That did not happen, for many reasons (not the least of which is she wasn't invited to the wedding). No amount of tantrums from her (and there were plenty) would have changed my mind about that; the more tantrums she threw, the more I was sure my decision was right.

If you're not close to your sisters-in-law, then don't ask them. It's that simple. There is no inherent sibling 'right' to be in another sibling's WP. That's not how this works.

cosenti7 · March 2014

My FI has one sister and although we have been together for over 6 years, she and I have never been close. That being said, my FI made it clear that it was important to him to have her included as a bridesmaid. She is a bridesmaid for that reason only, because it was important to him. It sounds like you and your FI are on the same page and I wouldn't compromise. It is an honor to be asked to participate in the reading or to stand up on their brother's side.
My concern is the opposite, I'm wondering if I'll regret including someone I'm not close with, rather than a cousin or close friend.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

@cosenti7: if your FI wants his sister included as a BM, that should be IN ADDITION TO however many people you genuinely wanted to ask. If there's someone you haven't asked that you want to, do it. Sides don't have to be even.

AddieCake · March 2014

Do not have these women stand on your side. You don't even get along with them and don't feel like they like you. Fuck that. If your fiance feels the need to cave to pressure, they can stand on his side with him.

@cosenti7 My advice to you would have been the same. It's really too late now to tell her to stand on the other side, but your fiance should have had his sister on HIS side since it's "important to him" that she be in the wedding.

I will never understand why anyone would try to force their SO to include their family members. You want them? Whoever wants them in should have them on their own side!

BNS810 · March 2014

Thanks so much for the feedback.

I did try to suggest that they just stand on FI's side since it makes more sense. That idea was immediately shot down because "it's weird" and "that's not how it's supposed to be done". I don't see how it's weird but I pick and choose my battles with the in-laws. My cousin had her brother as her "man of honor" and no one thought anything of it.

We've come to a decision though. We will ask them to do the readings and hopefully they will be happy with that. I'm just happy to know that etiquette does not dictate that I include future SIL's! Now we just need a way to include his little brother. Oh the joys of wedding planning!

Jen4948 · March 2014

BNS810 said:

Thanks so much for the feedback.

I did try to suggest that they just stand on FI's side since it makes more sense. That idea was immediately shot down because "it's weird" and "that's not how it's supposed to be done". I don't see how it's weird but I pick and choose my battles with the in-laws. My cousin had her brother as her "man of honor" and no one thought anything of it.

We've come to a decision though. We will ask them to do the readings and hopefully they will be happy with that. I'm just happy to know that etiquette does not dictate that I include future SIL's! Now we just need a way to include his little brother. Oh the joys of wedding planning!

Exactly. It's not "weird" and when it comes to the wedding party, it's up to the couple, not the family members to decide "what's done" or "what's not done." The only input anyone else has is to accept or decline an invitation to be in the wedding party-not to pull "that's weird" or "that's how it's done" strings.

As for the little brother, how old is he? If he's between about 3 and 8, he could be a ring bearer; if he's older than that, he could be a groomsman-the only things an adult groomsman could do that he couldn't would be acting as a witness on the marriage license, drinking alcohol, and going into "adults only" places.

BNS810 · March 2014

His brother will be 14. FI has said he doesn't want him as a groomsman, so I'm not sure what the plan is. Any suggestions?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

He's 14 and he's your FI's brother. He can be a groomsman or he can be an usher. Those are about the only options.

You could add another reading if you wanted to, and let him do that one, but then you're making up work for him to do.

Honestly, if your FI is so damn insistent on his siblings being included in the WP, he needs to just nut up and make them part of his side of the WP and let it go.

mrsbizzz · March 2014

@BNS810 - My brother is 16 and he is an usher, along with two of our cousins. As I said above, the compromise we made for not including my two FSILs int he wedding party was not to include my younger brother either. It has worked out well.

Jen4948 · March 2014

BNS810 said:

His brother will be 14. FI has said he doesn't want him as a groomsman, so I'm not sure what the plan is. Any suggestions?

He can be an usher or do a reading.

BNS810 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

He's 14 and he's your FI's brother. He can be a groomsman or he can be an usher. Those are about the only options.

You could add another reading if you wanted to, and let him do that one, but then you're making up work for him to do.

Honestly, if your FI is so damn insistent on his siblings being included in the WP, he needs to just nut up and make them part of his side of the WP and let it go.

It's not FI that wants it. It's his mom. He doesn't want them on his side bc "it's weird for the girls to be on the "boys" side" but really he doesn't want to deal with them any more than I do!! Not sure why he is against having his brother as a groomsman. My thought was an usher, mainly bc I can't think of any other option.

FI is really in the middle of all this mess as much as I am. I was just really concerned with the etiquette of the whole situation.

AddieCake · March 2014

Usher, reader, groomsman. Or nothing. You shouldn't have to include him, either. Does his mom insist on little brother being in the wedding party as well? Does your fiance always do what his parents want? Are they paying for this shindig?

Jen4948 · March 2014

BNS810 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

He's 14 and he's your FI's brother. He can be a groomsman or he can be an usher. Those are about the only options.

You could add another reading if you wanted to, and let him do that one, but then you're making up work for him to do.

Honestly, if your FI is so damn insistent on his siblings being included in the WP, he needs to just nut up and make them part of his side of the WP and let it go.

It's not FI that wants it. It's his mom. He doesn't want them on his side bc "it's weird for the girls to be on the "boys" side" but really he doesn't want to deal with them any more than I do!! Not sure why he is against having his brother as a groomsman. My thought was an usher, mainly bc I can't think of any other option.

FI is really in the middle of all this mess as much as I am. I was just really concerned with the etiquette of the whole situation.

The etiquette of the whole situation is that the only persons who have any input into who stands up in the wedding party, and with whom, are the bride and groom. This is one instance where "he who pays gets a say" does not apply. Your FMIL needs to butt out.

My guess is that he wants adult groomsmen so they can do adult things-not necessarily going into bars or clubs, but so that he doesn't feel compelled to act as a babysitter for his younger brother.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

BNS810 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

He's 14 and he's your FI's brother. He can be a groomsman or he can be an usher. Those are about the only options.

You could add another reading if you wanted to, and let him do that one, but then you're making up work for him to do.

Honestly, if your FI is so damn insistent on his siblings being included in the WP, he needs to just nut up and make them part of his side of the WP and let it go.

It's not FI that wants it. It's his mom. He doesn't want them on his side bc "it's weird for the girls to be on the "boys" side" but really he doesn't want to deal with them any more than I do!! Not sure why he is against having his brother as a groomsman. My thought was an usher, mainly bc I can't think of any other option.

FI is really in the middle of all this mess as much as I am. I was just really concerned with the etiquette of the whole situation.

1. It's not his mother's decision, it's his.

2. Then he needs to put on his big-boy panties and say, 'Mom, my sisters aren't going to be in the WP, and that's final, let it go.'

3. If he's against having his brother as GM, the choices are usher or nothing, and he just needs to figure that out.

BNS810 · March 2014

AddieL73 said:

Usher, reader, groomsman. Or nothing. You shouldn't have to include him, either. Does his mom insist on little brother being in the wedding party as well? Does your fiance always do what his parents want? Are they paying for this shindig?

No, she doesn't insist on little brother being in the wedding party. I think her issue with the girls is so they can get all "pretty" and feel special. Or it's to torture me! Hard to know sometimes.

No, FI generally never does what they want. Their family dynamic is weird and hard to explain in small doses. He's basically the black sheep in a way. His parents literally do not speak to each other but you would think they have a happy marriage. The only time Fi talks to his mother is when she calls to complain about something: her husband (FI's father), her job, the rest of the family, etc. The best way to describe her is childish, like she is stuck in high school and still needs to be a mean girl except she prefers the victim role. Because of that FI generally just doesn't talk to her. That's why he hasn't said one thing or another. Instead he just ignores her basically. Which drives me fucking crazy! My relationship with my mother is VERY different. If I don't want to do something there's generally no discussion, I say I am not doing it and that's the end. I'm an adult and I am treated like one.

His parents are paying for some of the wedding. This might sound petty but it isn't his mother's money. She doesn't work, and never has. FI's father has no input and could care less about anything. His only question is how much do I write the check for. My mother is also paying for a part of it though so it's not as if they are footing the bill and can call the shots.

BNS810 · March 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 I totally agree! He needs to man up and tell her no. But, I also kind of get his hesitation. Sometimes, it's easier to ignore her than deal with the backlash of the extended family calling to tell him how he is so mean to his mom blah blah blah.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

@BNS810 -- But he can't ignore this forever. Eventually,it's going to come to a head, and the sooner he realises that and deals with it, the better off he's going to be.

FI's sisters as BM?

Re: FI's sisters as BM?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards