My mother is bad mouthing me!

NurseLily · September 2011

I am recently engaged (actually, this is my first post!) It was fabulous and really romantic and we ended the awesome proposal weekend with going out to dinner with both our families. The bill was about $400 and both our mothers split the bill, which I was so thankful and even sent my mother a thank you card saying how much it meant to me.

Two days later, my mother (who is not tech savvy) forwards me an email from two of her girlfriends cooing and ahhhing over my ring (which actually makes me pretty uncomfortable) HOWEVER, my mom didn't erase the thread of emails on the forward- that was her saying to her friends "this will be a torturous year", "one of them saying "wouldn't mind it on my finger" and finally my own mother saying that she felt that my fiance having suggesting the dinner should have paid for EVERYONE! Which I find really offensive. My mother has $$, she only wears designers things and vacations multiple times a year... she is recently remarried and I spent around 1k on wedding related things for her, was so good to her- was with her the whole day, I also never asked her for a penny to contribute to the wedding! The only thing she's offered is to buy my dress?

My question is: How do I not let this ruin my relationship with her? I feel like leaving her out of everything completely, but she's also my mom and one of my friends. Its really hurtful (I also don't think confronting her and printing out the emails will help because she gets very upset when backed into a corner)

marshallal · September 2011

Likely this was just an episode of gossip with friends, and she didn't actually mean what she said. But if you're set on confronting her in a subtle way, I would forward them back to her, highlighting the nasty things she had to say about you, with just a sweet note at the top that says, "hey mom, next time you forward something, be more careful to erase the previous emails, since they're not always particularly nice. Love you!" She'll probably never bring it up, but you won't have to deal with it face to face.

NurseLily · September 2011

That's a really good idea...

I think I probably won't even opt for a subtle confrontation though- my fiance said I should just take her out to dinner (which I probably do once a month anyway- which adds to the absurdity of this whole thing) and say "I don't want money to be an issue between us during the wedding- the only thing I think I would like is if you bought my dress and just agree on a budget of 2k and I can pay for anything else over that? Because of course everyone wants extra money for a wedding.. but if it means she's giving it so unwillingly...then I really don't want it! I rather have her being happy and supportive!

NurseLily · September 2011

Should I still let her buy the dress? In the email she also said that it wasn't her job to throw my shower, her friend said she googled it and its my friends job... I mean whatever I can throw my own, but its the unwillingness that makes me feel so hurt! and that her friends are so supportive of her not contributing anything!

tldh · September 2011

If you and your FI invited the moms to dinner then the two of you should have picked up the tab. Now if the moms were fighting over who gets to pay that's another thing entirely.

Don't mention money to your mom. Period. It's your wedding making it your responsibility to pay for every penny. If she offers to put some money towards it or pay for the dress, fantastic, but it has to be an offer, not a response to a request.

NurseLily · September 2011

I understand that its her money and she's welcome to spend it how she pleases, I think it may be a cultural difference in this situation that I feel that of she should have paid, as she was treated to an engagement dinner, bachelorette party and a shower (by me!)

I personally think, if you're adult enough to get married, you should be adult enough to fund it. For that reason I would have paid for everyone if I knew it would cause this, but his parents who are so generous made the reach to the check.

But the weirdness comes from that these two women are invited to our engagement party and wedding. I would honestly have paid double the check to avoid weirdness with my mom, my father passed away and I'm an only child- she's not someone I crave bad feelings with at all.

NurseLily · September 2011

The reach for the check was made by his mother then my mom said let me split it. My uncle offered to pay for the whole thing, my mom was actually short $100 bucks and my uncle (who is like my father, threw her 100 bucks)

Even if my mom is right about the dinner, it doesn't diminish the other stuff- circulating a picture of my ring to her friends and talking to them about me.

tldh · September 2011

Moms are going to talk about their kids. The women my mom worked with knew more about my wedding and both brothers weddings than most of our friends did.

soozy87 · September 2011

I say that if his mom reached for the check and then your mom offered to pay half then she can shut her mouth. If you and your FI went out to dinner assuming that the 2 of you were going to pay for everyone and they grabbed the check before you could that is not your fault. If you went out to dinner hoping that someone else would pick up the check then that is not right either.

Like PPs' said, don't discuss wedding funding with your mom. If she offers, that is great, make sure that you thank her and that you get specifics as to what she would like it to go towards. Be greatful for anything that anyone does for you!

That being said, don't throw your own shower! Can you say tacky?

zitiqueen · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-bad-mouthing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fb7bc34-dd54-432c-a4b1-924e94875655Post:4ea121d0-0e55-4903-a0e9-ad64a1927c27">Re: My mother is bad mouthing me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that its her money and she's welcome to spend it how she pleases, I think it may be a cultural difference in this situation that<strong> I feel that of she should have paid, as she was treated to an engagement dinner, bachelorette party and a shower (by me!)</strong> I personally think, if you're adult enough to get married, you should be adult enough to fund it. For that reason I would have paid for everyone if I knew it would cause this, but his parents who are so generous made the reach to the check. But the weirdness comes from that these two women are invited to our engagement party and wedding. I would honestly have paid double the check to avoid weirdness with my mom, my father passed away and I'm an only child- she's not someone I crave bad feelings with at all.
Posted by NurseLily[/QUOTE]

Sounds like somebody likes to keep score.

NurseLily · September 2011

I wouldn't throw my own but I would take my aunt up on the offer to throw it and help with it. I've been a bridesmaid so mabny times and I really love all teh crafty aspects of the shower. I think in this discussion board certain things are lost and I'm not someone who takes from people or is expecting. That night we kind of went out for dinner being elated about being engaged, I wasn't thinking about the check the whole way there.

She has said many times "I want to buy your dress", "when the time comes lets go shopping"... she even wanted to go sooner than I felt was necessary.

ITs not really about the dinner, I'm not going to give her 200 bucks back? Its just about my realtionship with her and if I should even take what was offered to me?

hvansaders · September 2011

Well this is ironic. You are bad mouthing your mom to strangers.

I wouldnt say anything. Yes maybe a little hurtful to read, but maybe she was also venting. Sometimes weddings dont come off as the whole "OMG my daughter is getting married excitement" that you think of. Get over it, be happy within yourself, plan to pay for your own wedding, dont throw your own parties, and just share information with your mom so that she is kept in the loop. If she is excited great! If not so excited, dont take it personally.

And just because she has money doesnt mean she needs to buy you anything.

So how does this relate to your relationship anyways? Was it bad to begin with? Bc this wont make it better if you talk to her about it. Or if it was good, talking to her might make it bad.

I'd leave it alone and move on. Its not like you havent said to a close friend or your FI that your mom is driving you crazy and go into detail or w/e....you just did to us...so really its no different.

soozy87 · September 2011

Take it and maybe sit down and have a talk with her then about what you are both expecting. It is generous of her to offer and you should be greatful for that. It all sounds like a big misunderstanding, from what you tell us. Maybe there is more backstory, but like PP said, don't keep score. It will (clearly) just make you miserable.

Charmed59 · September 2011

You mention she doesn't want to throw you a shower. Perhaps it is a generational thing. I know when I was first married it was extremely bad etiquette to have your mother throw your wedding shower, as it would look like your mom was looking for presents for you. I don't know when this changed, but I can certainly see why her friends would tell her it was not okay to throw you a shower.

From the description of the dinner, it looks like she wasn't expecting to pay, and it ended up awkward. And the reason it ended up awkward is she expected whomever did the inviting would pay. Back in the day etiquette suggested that when a couple got engaged the grooms parents would invite the bride and her parents to dinner to meet. So I can totally see how she got blindsided by that. (And I'm impressed she had $300 in cash for a check...)

As for showing ring pictures to her friends, wait til you have children. Yes, we brag on our kids all the time. I've seen a million engagement ring pictures of my friends' children. That's just what we do. If there are things about the wedding you don't want her to share, tell her, I suspect she'd be happy to respect your privacy.

NurseLily · September 2011

Thank you to those of you who were supportive, I do think the first poster was right and Charmed I think you are right as well- I think it is a generational. There is some culutral differences between my mother and myself as I'm half Greek and in Greek culture the mom would throw the shower and anything else.

I really don't feel the need for a shower in the first place, we've lived together for a few years and I don't need a thing... I just didn't like the attitude of "not my job".

I guess I was keeping score, but since she so recently got remarried and I hosted many events for her, I didn't really think reciporcating would be a big deal. I hardly see how you can hang me for speaking about this with strangers- is this not the point of discussion boards?

I think she was just venting to her friends, and I'm sure she is excited. I know it will all work out.

dinnermint · September 2011

I'd say it was in poor taste for your mom to grab for the check along with your FI's mother and then bad mouth you with her friends. It sounds like your mom wants to play the victim to her friends and have them feel sorry for all she has "to do and go through" for your wedding this coming year.

I wouldn't play into it. I'd just let it go and avoid including her in the planning as much as possible. I'd also try to avoid bringing up her paying for the dress. Letting her pay for the dress may come with a price.... such as another woe is me email to her friends talking about how much you "had" her pay for said dress. If your okay with this possibility then I'd go ahead and let her pay for the dress....

NurseLily · September 2011

Thanks guys! My mom and I have an extremely close relationship, she's a single mother and I'm an only child. Her mother is kind of emotionally vacant so I have done alot of Mommy stuff with her- such as consoling after breakups and all that, gave a speach at her wedding, went to many dress shops with her, songlists.....

We've always been really close, but she is sensitive and thats why I'm kind of anti confrontation abotut this.

About the paying for the dress- I'm totally against spending more than 2k on it and that would be the same if she pays or doesn't- so its not a big deal at all. It not like if she paid I would have pushed her into Vera Wang and she absolutely knows this.

I wonder if she's feeling some sadness about her own time being over as a bride? Since we was married earlier in 2011 and gotten the photos, she's told me she looks at the album everydat since? Maybe I'll feel this way too.

Something that I also left out- her friends will also be coming to the wedding and engagement party- They are her closest friend... I really love those women too and I don't want them thinking bad things about me

joyfulhappy1 · September 2011

after reading all your posts I got a better understanding of you, if you and your mom are close then why wouldn't you be able to lovingly confront her about the email, I view it as an open door to hash out some wedding issues that will help the both of you get on the same page and avoid future misunderstandings. Forgiveness is the key

EmilyEastondotcom · September 2011

In terms of not letting this ruin your relationship with your mom, if someone went through your emails, would they see things you wrote about your mother to girlfriends that you would hate if your mom saw? Probably.

We all make flip remarks. Whatever future conversations you have with your mom about this, I would try to remember that. We all mouth off to girlfriends. It's not the essence of who we are or what we feel.

kcove · September 2011

So I read this entire thread....and I COMPLETELY agree with you. If my FI and I invited our families out to dinner, I know without a doubt that both our parents would automatically reach for the bill, and if they do then they shouldn't complan about it. If I saw that email, I'd be hurt. Every girl wants her mom to support her throughout her engagement/wedding. And I wouldn't just ignore it. I'd email back and let her know you saw what she said and that it hurt your feelings. I think the way some of you ladies responded was a little harsh. Saying "all moms talk about their kids" and " you're over reacting" If it was any of you Im sure you'd feel the same way. ALSO, isnt that why these message boards are here? To get support not criticism??? And if you are her only child then she should be excited to plan and even pay for your shower. I And I dont think you're over reacting. Your mom should want to be there for you....and if she does have the money, then regardless of what you and your FI will contribute....she should want to also.

MairePoppy · September 2011

@kcove-I thought the message boards were here so we could get honest opinions from a variety of people. There would be no point in asking a question if you are going to automatically get validation on your ideas. You might as well just talk to yourself. NurseLily seemed to appreciate the responses she received. She can consider all of them and take whatever advice is appropriate in her situation.

@NurseLily-I'm a MOB. Since your mom inadvertently forwarded the emails to you, I think you should let her know that you saw them. I really like your fi's suggestion. It puts it on the table, but doesn't sound angry. Give her a chance to explain herself. And please, give her some internet instructions so she doesn't repeat her error.

After your talk, if your mom still wants to buy your dress, I think you should accept her offer. Don't let the stupid mistake she made put a damper on your wedding planning.

NurseLily · September 2011

Thanks! Posting was helpful, it allowed me to not droan on about it to my FI or my best friends. I don't want tons of people (we know) knowing the situation because I don't want anyone to ever look at my mom like she's not a the great person she is.

Savanna111911 · September 2011

I think I would mention the emails to her. You don't have to be b*tchy about it, just let her know you saw them and use it as an opportunity to work through some things. You don't have to be defensive or anything, and probably dont' want to go in it with the "i did this for you now do it for me" attitude.

However, if it was me I think I would keep dwelling on it until I discussed it with my mom. Just let her know that you saw it and that it hurt your feelings, but tell her you'd like to see how you can put that behind you and move forward and try to work out your differences when it comes to the wedding.

My mother is bad mouthing me!

Re: My mother is bad mouthing me!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards