Separate RSVP's for Ceremony and Reception?

srosario89 · March 2014

My fiance and I both have very large families and are planning on a limited budget. We are not inviting everyone to the reception and have found a venue for the ceremony where we can serve light refreshments and mingle with those who will not be going to the reception. We need a headcount for food at the ceremony. Do we create two versions of the RSVP card or request ceremony RSVP by phone/email in the main invite body or assume that everyone invited to the ceremony only will attend.... what is proper in this case? Thanks!

Maggie0829 · March 2014

srosario89 said:

My fiance and I both have very large families and are planning on a limited budget. We are not inviting everyone to the reception and have found a venue for the ceremony where we can serve light refreshments and mingle with those who will not be going to the reception. We need a headcount for food at the ceremony. Do we create two versions of the RSVP card or request ceremony RSVP by phone/email in the main invite body or assume that everyone invited to the ceremony only will attend.... what is proper in this case? Thanks!

I am sorry but I think this is rude. For those that are not invited to the reception they are going to feel slighted and unimportant compared to those that are lucky enough to go to the reception and get fed a nice meal, have drinks and do some dancing.

If you cannot afford to host everyone for the entire day then you need to cut down your list. Because there is no way to properly have a tiered wedding, mainly because tiered weddings are rude.

srosario89 · March 2014

As someone who has attending the ceremony only before, I must say I did not feel slighted. I felt honored to witness the union. Several individuals that knew I'd be hosting a small reception asked to attend the ceremony, which is why I'm extending the opportunity to others. Fortunately, my circle will feel blessed to take part - even if it's a small part.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

srosario89 said:

As someone who has attending the ceremony only before, I must say I did not feel slighted. I felt honored to witness the union. Several individuals that knew I'd be hosting a small reception asked to attend the ceremony, which is why I'm extending the opportunity to others. Fortunately, my circle will feel blessed to take part - even if it's a small part.

Don't make me gag. Seriously you are not that important.

And just because you didn't feel slighted doesn't mean that others wouldn't. Are you getting married in a church? Because if you are your ceremony is open to the public and if people who are not invited really want to come and watch you get married they are more then welcomed to. But don't turn this into a tiered wedding where you think everyone under the sun wants to witness your wedding so badly that they don't care if they aren't hosted as well as others.

AddieCake · March 2014

No, they won't. Some will decline because they know it is rude and will not allow themselves to be treated so poorly. Others will say nothing to your face just to be polite and not upset you and then talk about your poor manners behind your back. You may bank on that. Please don't make an ass of yourself like this.

CMGragain · March 2014

The reason you are having trouble wording this properly is that it is a very rude and improper thing to do. Everyone who is invited to the wedding MUST also be invited to the reception. No wiggle room.

You have some choices to make:

1. Cut your guest list so everyone can attend the reception.
2. Plan a cake and punch reception so you can afford to have as many guests as you please. This means that your ceremony must be rescheduled to mid-afternoon.
3. Plan a brunch reception, after a morning ceremony. This is about half the cost of a dinner reception, and can be very elegant.
4. Cut alcohol. It is not necessary.
5. Elope.

You have planned your wedding backwards. First you make up your budget. Second, you make up your guest list. THEN you figure out how much you can afford to feed all of your guests, and plan your reception.
What you are currently planning is so horrible, it is completely unacceptable. Please listen to us. You don't want to be "THAT bride", whom people gossip about for years to come! Really, this is true.

hyechica81 · March 2014

yeah thats rude to have a tiered reception. say i was family and a cousin of yours but you decided that i should attend both but my parents aunt uncle were not allowed to attend reception

this is so rude you need to rethink this

i have a large family and fi has a small family

we sent save the dates to all my cousins s/o aunts uncles siblings parents my grandma and my very close friends and s/o , if my cousins had any children they did not get an invite, for my fi we sent save the dates to his aunts his mom godparents his closest friends and some co workers and there s/o we had to cut down the list on his side beacuse he wanted like all his co workers there and i was like its to much

you need to figure out who is important start with your family aunts uncles cousins siblings, parents on both sides his and yours then each invite your closest friends and co workers but not everyone and there mother

if you have cousins with children dont invite the children, only invite whos important to you and not the whole world

MyNameIsNot · March 2014

This is actually one of the rudest things you could possibly do.

Your options are to 1) cut the guest list down to those you can afford to invite to the whole deal, or 2) cut the reception down to the refreshments you can afford to serve at the church.

I'm actually shocked that anyone could seriously think it would be anything other than a slap in the face to invite someone to the ceremony and refreshments, but then have a big reception for only the "good" guests. That's the sort of thing high school cliques do to embarrass the outsider. It's not how an adult treats someone they care about.

Viczaesar · March 2014

Super rude.

srosario89 · March 2014

Thank you for the feedback ladies. We did our budget, created our guest list (for both reception and ceremony) and were ready to stick to it. Then updated our status to "engaged" on Facebook and got an onslaught of messages asking for ceremony information. This is how the whole "refreshments at the ceremony" idea came about (not in our budget, not what I wanted to do). While I could have done without the insults (I thought we were all adults here), I am reverting back to my original plan. It's 7 weeks before the wedding and I was trying to find a way to make everyone happy. Not happening.

Blue_Bird · March 2014

srosario89 said:

Thank you for the feedback ladies. We did our budget, created our guest list (for both reception and ceremony) and were ready to stick to it. Then updated our status to "engaged" on Facebook and got an onslaught of messages asking for ceremony information. This is how the whole "refreshments at the ceremony" idea came about (not in our budget, not what I wanted to do). While I could have done without the insults (I thought we were all adults here), I am reverting back to my original plan. It's 7 weeks before the wedding and I was trying to find a way to make everyone happy. Not happening.

This is the wise and mature thing to do. It as rude of people to ask for invitations to your wedding. They are adults, just tell them that you are having a small wedding and leave it at that. Do not kowtow. I'm glad that you realized that this modifying of your plan to "make everyone happy" (which is impossible, by the way, and will only cause you stress) was rude, and are going forward with your small, dignified wedding. Those who were not on the original guest list will be fine, just like they have been for every other wedding they haven't been invited to in their lives.

CMGragain · March 2014

"I don't know they key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." Bill Cosby

Separate RSVP's for Ceremony and Reception?

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