Wedding Etiquette Forum

It's no wonder Etiquette has gone to hell

Honestly, after dealing with the wedding vendors I've spoken with in the last couple of weeks, its no wonder that new brides-to-be are so convinced that etiquette no-no's are ok.  Here are some of the highlights:

Caterer:  "Why don't you have an open bar for PART of the reception, then go to cash bar??  Or have only a cash bar?"

Florist:  "You really only need seats for about 60% of the guest list."

DJ:  "You really should do a Money Dance, you'll get a lot of cash for your honeymoon.  Everyone's doing it." (this one may or may not be totally against etiquette, but it's just tacky to me)

I mean, after all of that, it doesn't surprise me at all that people come on here defending cash bars, etc.  If the vendors themselves are spouting this shit, how is anyone supposed to know it's wrong?  Almost every vendor we spoke with offered some sort of etiquette doozy like that.  Thank God for The Knot.

 

Re: It's no wonder Etiquette has gone to hell

  • I am surprised your florist had a comment about seating...

    Thankfully my vendors weren't like this excatly.  Although my venue has a cash bar option, they didn't suggest chaning the bar package during the event.  But it is sad.  I have to agree that when vendors ask/suggest these things it is just amunition for all the speshual snowflakes.

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    I am surprised your florist had a comment about seating...

    Thankfully my vendors weren't like this excatly.  Although my venue has a cash bar option, they didn't suggest chaning the bar package during the event.  But it is sad.  I have to agree that when vendors ask/suggest these things it is just amunition for all the speshual snowflakes.


    My florist is moonlighting as our decorator and reception coordinator, so we were discussing the amount of tables necessary at the reception.  Unfortunately I was in the minority in saying everyone should have a seat (my FI, mother, and grandmother were there too). 
  • Ugh. Gross. 
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    I am surprised your florist had a comment about seating...

    Thankfully my vendors weren't like this excatly.  Although my venue has a cash bar option, they didn't suggest chaning the bar package during the event.  But it is sad.  I have to agree that when vendors ask/suggest these things it is just amunition for all the speshual snowflakes.


    My florist is moonlighting as our decorator and reception coordinator, so we were discussing the amount of tables necessary at the reception.  Unfortunately I was in the minority in saying everyone should have a seat (my FI, mother, and grandmother were there too). 

    Oh ok,  that makes more sense.  I was thinking she was being "just the floist" as in just making flowers for tables etc.  Still makes me want to cry when people encourage poor etiquette.
  • You know, OP - I think you are so right.  A newly engaged couple goes to interview vendors/venues and think they are talking to the "experts" because this is what these people do for a living.  The sad this a lot of these people don't care about etiquette they care about saying whatever it will take to get your money.

    Please tell me you didn't lose the battle on having enough seating for your guests.

  • We had a few potential vendors do things like this - and if we hadn't known any better could have ended up using them. One potential venue was really pushy about wanting us to have a cash bar. It's one of the reasons we passed on them before we hit the parking lot. 
  • I can never really wrap my head around the whole "oh you only need 60% of seating for your guests." What happens when dinner is served, whether buffet or plated, and everyone gets ready to sit down only for 40% of your guests to be standing awkwardly wondering where the hell they are supposed to sit?  Like WTF?
    That was my question, too.  Luckily, I put my foot down and they respected that.  I mean, of course the florist agreed, more tables for us to pay her to decorate.
  • I really think that's a crappy-vendor thing, and not a universal thing. None of our vendors suggested anything that in any way violated etiquette.
    I certainly hope that's the case.  I was just shocked that it was bad etiquette all-around, not just from the caterer or the florist individually.  Maybe it's the city I'm getting married in?  Idk.
  • kmmssg said:

    You know, OP - I think you are so right.  A newly engaged couple goes to interview vendors/venues and think they are talking to the "experts" because this is what these people do for a living.  The sad this a lot of these people don't care about etiquette they care about saying whatever it will take to get your money.

    Please tell me you didn't lose the battle on having enough seating for your guests.

    Luckily, I won that battle.  But I agree that it's just sad.  It might give a different perspective for those of us responding to etiquette questions.  I mean, a lot of people have these "experts" telling them one thing, and people on The Knot telling them something else.  Although, a lot of this SHOULD BE common sense.  Like, are you really going to ask people to fund your wedding?  Come on, now.
  • phiraphira member
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    Our venue offers a bunch of bar options, including cash bar all night, and cash bar after cocktail hour. But they also have open bar options, and they were 100% on board when we were asking about limited open bar.
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  • I completely agree with the OP. I was at a bridal show recently where they had a DOC doing a Q&A and she was giving horrible etiquette advice! I feel sorry for the people who hired her. 

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  • Cash bars are the norm in my area. Every venue I talked to suggested either full cash bar, open bar switching to cash bar, or using drink tickets. Some offer a hosted bar, but I had to search through all the wedding info to find pricing for that.

    Agree with PP, when the vendors are giving poor etiquette advice it is easy to think that it is ok. Especially if you have been to other weddings that made the same etiquette mistakes. Also not helping, my mom talked to a lot of coworkers who had kids that were married recently, and they give the same poor etiquette advice, because that is what they did.

    Luckily, I found TK and the discussion boards!

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  • It's not just the vendors that throw bad etiquette ideas around. I feel like a lot of brides look at what other people have done and use that as what is 'right.' On the boards you see a lot of 'well all my friends had cash bars so it must be okay' mentalities. But if all your friends are racists it doesn't make it okay for you to be a racist, it gives you an opportunity to enlighten your friends.

    Before finding this website I was going to do a whole lot of bad things, a gap and a cash bar are the two big ones that come to mind. But thankfully I found this place and months after my wedding I'm still getting told how awesome my wedding was. Which made all the headaches while planning worth it :)

    Also, good for you on staying strong about following etiquette! So many people would have caved despite knowing what was right. Your guests will love you for it.

    I'm still shaking my head over seating for 60%.... 
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  • You are so right about this. Its so frustrating to me as a new bride trying to plan because I have very little wedding experience. Ive only been to two in my adult life. At first I was looking at vendor websites to determine what was ok, thats why I thought cash bars were ok because they were on nearly every venue price list I saw. Thank God for you ladies on TK. Thats why I post so many questions because it seems like this is the only place that I can come to get sound etiquette advice thats not rooted in money or "traditions" 
  • I think it's simply a lack of knowledge. Most people are no longer made aware by their parents (well, mostly mothers) what it takes to host a successful event. Once upon a time, not too long ago, a young girl/woman would have watched her mum organise parties, dinners, cocktail receptions, etc. She would have learnt by observing and taking on an ever increasing role herself. Much of that has fallen by the wayside, and the Internet is full of misinformation.

    Vendors often have no idea what they are talking about. Whilst I am not a professional event planner, I am heavily involved in social event planning, and I remember having to show the staff that set the tables how to properly place cutlery, and informing them that the lady is always seated to the gentleman's right. It's quite sad, but I have hope that the pendulum may be swinging back and result in greater awareness.
  • jnissajnissa member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    I'm not saying that any of this is ok, but I am going to mildly defend vendors here. It's not their job to make sure your wedding is etiquette appropriate (unless they are the wedding planner). That's our job/your job. Their job is to give a client what a client wants. So if they're out interviewing and competing for clients with brides who typically are really budget conscious and want to hear that "A cash bar is totally fine and our company can absolutely make that happen for you!" then I might say that too if my livelihood depended on it. I can sympathize a little bit. If you think brides are going to want to see a price for a cash bar and not having it on there will turn away more potential clients than having it on there will, well, people have to make a living :)  
  • jnissa said:
    I'm not saying that any of this is ok, but I am going to mildly defend vendors here. It's not their job to make sure your wedding is etiquette appropriate (unless they are the wedding planner). That's our job/your job. Their job is to give a client what a client wants. So if they're out interviewing and competing for clients with brides who typically are really budget conscious and want to hear that "A cash bar is totally fine and our company can absolutely make that happen for you!" then I might say that too if my livelihood depended on it. I can sympathize a little bit. If you think brides are going to want to see a price for a cash bar and not having it on there will turn away more potential clients than having it on there will, well, people have to make a living :)  


    You definitely make a good point here.  I agree that it is, ultimately, the bride/groom's job to determine what is proper etiquette.  It was just frustrating for me, as a bride who is trying to follow etiquette, going up against my family (who is paying) on certain issues, when all they have to say is, "well, the florist said..."

    Essentially, it just turns an already uphill battle into a mountain.

  • We met with our DJ this weekend and he has a place for the money dance on his planner but when I told him we were not interested, he smoothed past it and didn't say another word! Made me happy. I understand having the option crazy tactless brides, but I am glad he didn't push it. 
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  • Ha! Yes, when the coordinator at our (very nice) hotel venue was running through our bar options, she kept talking about ways we could incorporate a "cash bar."

    I just smiled, nodded, and assumed she actually meant "consumption bar." I refuse to believe that people will actually book a venue that serves $90+ entrees and then charge their guests for drinks.
  • jnissa said:

    I'm not saying that any of this is ok, but I am going to mildly defend vendors here. It's not their job to make sure your wedding is etiquette appropriate (unless they are the wedding planner). That's our job/your job. Their job is to give a client what a client wants. So if they're out interviewing and competing for clients with brides who typically are really budget conscious and want to hear that "A cash bar is totally fine and our company can absolutely make that happen for you!" then I might say that too if my livelihood depended on it. I can sympathize a little bit. If you think brides are going to want to see a price for a cash bar and not having it on there will turn away more potential clients than having it on there will, well, people have to make a living :)  

    This is a good point. We had one potential vendor, though, that refused to do anything other than cash bar, on the reasoning that 'if they have to pay for it, people won't get so drunk.'

    Uhm...OK. Pretty sure every bar in America on Saturday night would prove you wrong.

    Knowing that that was rude, we passed on using that vendor.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Fortunately, our vendors were good with etiquette, especially our reception venue that doesn't even offer cash bars.

    Our DJ did ask us if we wanted to have a money dance of some sort (GAG), but DJs are probably used to that kind of thing.

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  • Unfortunately that's the wedding industry for you! They will do whatever it takes to get your money and make it so your wedding fits within your budget - and half the time they don't even care about that! Unfortunately where these places make the cuts is where the guest's comforts are concerned, not the decor, the flowers or even the table cloths. For these reasons, my fi and I are anti-vendors. For ours we're trying to limit our vendors to the ones we have to have - venue, bartender, food, DJ, cake and photo booth, all the decorating, and little things that don't concern the guests, I'm DIYing. Why? Because we're creative, want our wedding done our way, and we want the bulk of the wedding budget to go towards having a larger guest list, and hosting our loved ones properly.
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