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Not Engaged Yet

Irritated. WWYD? *UPDATE*

ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
edited March 2014 in Not Engaged Yet
I haven't seen my best friend since September 2012 because he is in the Air Force and has been stationed in Germany/Afghanistan.  He came home Monday and I haven't head anything from him. Nothing. 

To preface this a little, we have been friends for about 9 years and are attached at the hip. Any time he is home, I am the first to know and we hang out as much as possible. He started dating a girl sometime in August while he was overseas. They plan on getting married while he is in the States and he bought her a ring. They've never even hung out in person which makes me side-eye their relationship but I try not to judge. He leaves Monday to go down to FL where he will stay until his next deployment, and his GH/FI whatever she is will moving with him.

I texted him yesterday evening since I haven't head from him since he's been back. 5 HOURS LATER he texts me back and doesn't mention meeting up to hang out or to meet FI. I told him over the weekend to call me when he had some free time and me and FI would come up and hang out for a little bit. I understand he's busy and I know he's trying to spend time with his GF/FI, but I would think he could spare a couple hours to hang out and meet FI, which at one point seemed SO important to him. My question is: Do I make any more attempts to get together and meet up or just completely leave it up to him and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen? I'm at the point where I'm irritated and don't even give a shit anymore, but I would really like to see him and for him to meet FI.
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Re: Irritated. WWYD? *UPDATE*

  • My impression is that he is caught up in the new chick, and who knows, maybe she is jealous of your friendship with him so maybe she is also keeping him from wanting to see you?  Just a guess. Even if this is not the case, I definitely get your frustration and would feel hurt. 

    I would say that the ball is now in his court.  You have reached out, you have made him aware that you want to see him.  It's up to him at this point.  But it's a shame that he is blowing you off for whatever reason.  I'm sorry, that sucks!   If you wanted to, you could be very blunt and say "hey, am I going to get to see you before you leave???" or "I really would like to see you before you leave."  That way he knows for sure you want to see him.

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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    @TwoDimes I completely understand, and thats why I'm hesitant to text him again and ask to hang out; I don't want to seem pushy.  He told me before he came back that he wanted to meet up and meet FI and have me meet his SO which is why I' m so confused as to why all of the sudden that's apparently changed. He was actually really excited to meet FI, so I'm not sure what his deal is, but I hope that his GF/FI isn't pressuring him into not hanging out with us.
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    Seconding @TwoDimes: friendships ebb and flow, and it's not always a bad thing. There are a lot of friends who I'll sometimes talk to every day, and then for several months (or years!) we'll hardly talk.

    I also think that, "EXCUSE ME COME MEET MY FIANCE" when he's finally spending time with his partner, whom he's never had the chance to hang out with in person, feels very pushy. You are obviously coming from a place of love and friendship (which is great!) but I can totally understand why he might be so slow to respond. If anything, I would change the dynamic--leave your fiance out of this for a bit, and let your friend know that you want to see him and meet his fiancee.
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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    @phira I totally agree. I don't want to seem pushy or beg him to come hang out with me and meet FI which is why I'm not sure how to handle it. Of course I want to see him but I don't want to make him feel obligated to do it if he would rather spend time with his SO. He was really excited to meet FI once he was home and now all the of the sudden that doesn't matter to him and I guess that's what bothers me the most.
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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    At this point my thinking is this:

    He knows I want to see him and he knows FI wants to meet him.  We have offered to drive over an hr away to where he is to meet up with him and his SO when he has the time. I don't want to have to beg him to hang out with me so maybe I should just let it go and leave the rest up to him.
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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York member
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    I know you didn't ask, and maybe this will get me flamed, but I don't consider it "dating" when they've never even met IRL. It really irks me when anyone says they have a BF/GF (let alone FI!) when they haven't spent ANY time in the same room even. 

    Aside from that, I wouldn't push your friend to make plans if he doesn't seem interested, but you definitely have the right to say something like "We always see each other whenever you're home, and I'm disappointed that we haven't made plans yet. What's up?"
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    @hummingbird125 Yeah, I honestly find it very sketchy that anyone over the age of 17 or so would consider themselves engaged when they haven't met in person. But I figure that saying, "Um, hey friend, it makes no sense that you consider yourself in a relationship/engaged" won't make it easier to get plans made.
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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    I know you didn't ask, and maybe this will get me flamed, but I don't consider it "dating" when they've never even met IRL. It really irks me when anyone says they have a BF/GF (let alone FI!) when they haven't spent ANY time in the same room even. 
    @Hummingbird125 I kinda feel the same way as you. I'm not knocking anyone who has done it, but I just don't understand how you can know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you've never met in person, never hung out with, nothing. It doesn't make sense to me.  I hope that it works out for them and maybe it has worked out for other people, but I can't wrap my mind around it. Dating? maybe. But knowing  thats you want to spend the rest of your life with? -_-
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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    @phira As badly as I would love to say something like, I'm sure it wouldn't help my case :)  What really irks me is that when I told him FI and I looked at engagement rings, his response was, "seems a little soon..."

    but you're proposing to a girl you've been dating since August ONLINE and haven't even met her IRL... makes sense. He's been weird lately and I'm really starting to think it has a lot to do with her, which is sad.
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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    edited March 2014
    @bethsmiles I agree with you that it makes sense that he is more focused on spending time with his SO which is why I haven't been bugging him about hanging out, but I would think he could spare even 2 hours for his friend that he hasn't seen in a year and a half. If not, then I think that's sad.  I'm not asking for even a full day of his time, I would just like to grab something to eat, talk to him for a minute, and meet his SO.

    I hate that I'm judge-y about his relationship but I can't help it. I wish I wasn't and I try to keep my mouth shut about it, but those judging feelings are still there.  He was very judgmental about me and FI's relationship in the beginning and was for sure that it was just a rebound relationship. I was pissed off that he felt that way, but I wasn't offended.  He and I are brutally honest with each other and always have been. Even though I'm a bit judge-y about their relationship, if he's honestly still happy with her after meeting her and actually spending some time with her IRL, then I'll be 100% supportive of it.
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  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
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    I would say either leave it be or just maybe offer up a double date type thing where you could all hang out.


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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    edited March 2014

    I like @LivLeighton's approach. While I agree with other posters that 1) the ball is in his court as far as scheduling time to hang out/meet each other's SOs, and 2) that it's best to keep your thoughts about his relationship to yourself, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him what's up with the change in attitude. I would think that nine years of friendship would at least merit an honest conversation about this, even if the end result isn't necessarily a great one. I also love Liv's wording - not like you're trying to be pushy or challenge him, just checking your own perception.

     

    ETA, because words are hard sometimes

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  • I agree with what everyone said above. Don't continue to text him asking to hang out. The ball is in his court now, and if he really wants to see you, he'll text you back.

    From what I am reading, it seems like there is a lot going on beyond the whole "he isn't willing to meet my FI and I"...It seems like there is a lot of tension, from him believing your relationship was a "rebound" and from him saying "isn't it a little soon?" when you mentioned engagement rings. I also want to point out that you said that "he was really excited to meet FI once he was home and now all the of the sudden that doesn't matter to him and I guess that's what bothers me the most." 

    How long ago did he make those plans with you? IMHO seems like you are more upset at him for not being thrilled to meet your SO (and preferring to hang out with his SO) than him not taking the time to hang out with you. If I were in this situation, if he texts back saying "sure, lets hang out", I would either offer to make it a double date like @dignity100 said OR I would just hang out with him sans significant others. 

    I was in a similar situation a while back with a guy I've known since I was an infant...his new wife was pretty open about how much she disliked me.  They got married, FI and I saw them once after their wedding, and we haven't spoken since. Maybe we'll talk in a few months/years but I'm giving him the time to be a new husband, and I've left the lines of communication open with him if he wants to talk again. I hope that he will take you up on your offer to hang out before he leaves, but if not, you're still friends, and you can always resume your friendship at a later time. Who knows, since he's moving to FL maybe you, your FI, your friend, and his significant other will hang out on the beach, which could be a much more awesome hangout spot than his/your current location.


  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    @bride2b71614 We made plans to all meet up and doing something together last Friday (3/7) when he told me that he would be in town on Monday. And you're right, I think I am more upset that he isn't making an effort to meet FI now that he's home. We had planned for all 4 of us to go do something but its doesnt seem like he's too interested in that anymore.

    It hurts that he doesn't want to hang out with me but I can deal with it I guess. It hurts even worse that he doesn't seem to care about meeting FI because it was really important to me that they met. A few weeks ago he mentioned that FI and I should come down to FL when they get settled in and stay for a week with them, but who knows.
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  • I would just look forward to hanging out once they're settled. If he's back in the states for a decent amount of time then I'm sure you'll get to spend time with him and meet his FI, and he to meet your FI. Things will happen when they should and I know it hurts and it sucks, but you just have to wait for him to make the next move.
  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    I know this was a slightly older thread and no idea the update, however a developing theory could be are things with him and his FI ok? If she wasn't what he expected once he came back and there's tension there, he could be down and not up for any kind of double date.

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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
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    Thanks for the advice, everyone. I appreciate it.

    I ended up not contacting him at all after my initial attempt.  On Sunday morning (the day before they left for FL) he texted me and said "so I guess you didn't want to see me". I reminded him that I told him to get a hold of me if he had time since he acted like he would be so busy, and he agreed that he would. He said he didn't remember this -_-  I still have the text.

    He and his now FI went to the courthouse during the week and got married.  I didn't get to see him. On Sunday when he texted me, he asked me and FI to come over. We agreed to at a certain time. A couple hours later, BFF texted me back and said that his FI's mother wanted to take them out to dinner, so our plans wouldn't work and we would probably just see each other when FI and I go down to FL to visit. I told him I had no idea when that would be but that it definitely wouldn't be until AFTER our wedding because all of our extra money is going towards the wedding. No response. They left yesterday morning for FL.
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  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL member
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    @severmilli12 - I'm sorry, that really sucks. I wish I had something more to offer than that!

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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
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    edited March 2014
    I don't know the order of where he was stationed, but if he was in Afghanistan for an extended period of time, it can take a long time to readjust to civilian life.  Throw a GF/FI/wife into the mix and you've got a whole lot to deal with.

    When my brother came home from AF, it took him the better part of 2 months to get used to being/dealing with civilians again.  He and his GF of the time ended up splitting because she wouldn't give him the space he needed.

    He came home to a lot of new things and probably with a significant amount of baggage from his deployment; give him some time to get resettled into life CONUS.


     

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    I also can't speak from experience, and don't know a lot of people in the military, but I know of multiple military men who got married (to women) after very short periods of time.
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