So many aunts... vent

McCMal · March 2014

Ok, so my mom is #4 out of 6 girls. So I have 5 aunts.

#2, #6 and my mom are the only ones able to make it to the wedding so aunt #5 wants to throw me a shower. Awesome! Aunts #5, #2 and #6 are planning it, #5 is hosing.

But aunt #5 doesn't contact me for anything involving the shower. She contacts my mom, who asks me. When I respond to my mom, who then forgets to mentioned it to aunt #5, I get flack from aunt #2 for being a b*tch and not responding. (I have then since responded directly to aunt #5 when my mom asks me something, because aunt #5 still does not contact me for info.)

Now aunt #2 has offered to fly my mother and I into Utah for the shower. The shower is basically a way for everyone who can't make it to the wedding in Colorado to see me and feel included. I'm good with that, but I wanted to bring FI, so that he can meet all my friends he won't get to meet otherwise any time soon. He also wanted to go spend the weekend with my dad in Utah, they had a whole weekend planned out. They were both really excited.

Well now I had to inform FI that he basically isn't invited. Aunt #2 strongly suggested, over and over, that we spend to much time together and our relationship was going to sour. She also thinks that I'm neglecting my mother since I moved in with him. (We live 2 hours away, we are farmers so we are busy most of the year, yet we still try to make it up for a weekend once a month.) Hell, I've been up twice this month, and am coming up again this weekend to go dress shopping with my mom, FMIL and FSIL.

I'm I being unreasonable here? Is it rude of me to want my FI to come? I mentioned this all to my mom, who halfheartedly said we could all drive instead. But now I feel like everyone will get mad at me for bringing him.

VarunaTT · March 2014

The part that is missing is: are you expecting Aunt #2 to pay to fly in FI? If yes, then yes you're being rude, b/c you basically just said, "Lovely gift! And can I please have some more?!" If you want to pay for FI, then just do it.

As far as the other stuff, have you spent time w/your mother that isn't wedding related? Or is there something going on with mom that she is keeping from you b/c of wedding?

I find it kind of hard to see Aunt #2 who sounds like she's being generous with Aunt #2 being a \#/ too unless there's a piece of story here missing somewhere.

NOLABridesmaid · March 2014

I think you're stressing too much about the shower. Give your aunt the list of names and addresses of the people you would like to be invited, and that's it. They will plan it and I'm sure you will have a nice time.

Your FI can make an appearance at the end of you would like and he can pick up the gifts with your dad.

McCMal · March 2014

VarunaTT said:

The part that is missing is: are you expecting Aunt #2 to pay to fly in FI? If yes, then yes you're being rude, b/c you basically just said, "Lovely gift! And can I please have some more?!" If you want to pay for FI, then just do it.

As far as the other stuff, have you spent time w/your mother that isn't wedding related? Or is there something going on with mom that she is keeping from you b/c of wedding?

I find it kind of hard to see Aunt #2 who sounds like she's being generous with Aunt #2 being a \#/ too unless there's a piece of story here missing somewhere.

Originally, my mother, my FI and I were going to drive in. When aunt #2 found out I was going to bring FI, she offered to fly my mother and I in, and only the two of us. She did not want FI to come, even when we were going to drive. She offered, only to prevent him from coming, because this is what she does. I am not asking her to fly FI, I wouldn't ever dream of it if she did not offer it. We also will not be driving, because, surprise she's already bought the tickets. So FI is not coming, the decision was not left to us.

I talk to my mother every day, go and see her a lot, and we rarely talk about wedding things. I also spend time away from my FI, he spends time with his family, and I with mine. There is nothing wrong! This is all things she assumed, and then decided on being wrong.

She is going through a life crisis. She had to quit her high paying job in California to move to Utah and care for her mother. Since then, she has been spending enormous amounts of time, energy and emotion on convincing each one of her sisters that they have been living life wrong. She had some realization, and has been forcing it down her family's throats. She turned on me, and my mom only let it happen because she was tired of aunt #2 harassing her. She pretended to agree with her, and then afterwards told me not to listen to a word she said.

Aunt #5 is planning it, hosting at her home. Aunt #2 is just trying to be helpful, in her mind she is, but even aunt #5 has expressed some exhaustion with her involvement with everything.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

How exactly does your aunt's unsolicited advice translate to you needing to uninvite your FI?

McCMal · March 2014

ReturnOfKuus said:

How exactly does your aunt's unsolicited advice translate to you needing to uninvite your FI?

She paid for the airline tickets for my mother and I already. I did not know this until about 30 minutes ago. She knew all three of us were driving originally.

Wzz · March 2014

i am sure your FI can find something else to do while you enjoy your shower. if this is his only opportunty to meet these people, and it is important to you that he meet them, maybe you should take a trip out to visit them aside from any wedding related event. go bring bagels to one of their houses one weekend and sit and chat.

it isn't going to kill you or your FI to spend this day or two apart. traditionally, a shower is a woman-only event, regarless if you agree with this. i think if you are upset with your aunts, you may want to consider they may be upset with you for assuming your FI would be invited in the first place.

Wzz · March 2014

also, if he had the weekend already planned, why can't he just drive out on his own?

McCMal · March 2014

I don't want to come off as being selfish. Truly, I would rather not take any amount of money from her, but she has always been wealthy, and prone to giving lavish gifts, and lavish amounts of money to family. Yes, she is very generous. But everything she gives comes with a price of it's own. My mother has refused to take money from her, her whole life. We are able to pay for this on our own, but she wants to help, so she is suggesting a ton of expensive things and saying 'I'll pay for it'. she is very controlling.

I don't think it's selfish of us if we politely decline. I do believe I have that right, but she does not. She get upset when you do. Needless to say, the wedding, my FI and my life will be a non-discussion with her anymore.

VarunaTT · March 2014

Yeah, just have FI drive if it's that important to you.

Just stop listening to her. She can only get under her skin as much as you let her.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

Or he could buy his own ticket and fly with you.

Wzz · March 2014

i don't understand why you'd have to decline when your adult fiance could just drive a car on his own and meet you out there like he had already planned with you. i see bigger issues if you really can't imagine spending a few hours apart and this is going to ruin your shower altogether.

your original question is, is it rude to expect your FI to come? i don't think it is rude, but i do think it is presumptuous to expect your aunt to feel the same way you might about his attendance.

this doesn't sound like the hill to die on. there will be other hills.

McCMal · March 2014

Wzz said:

i am sure your FI can find something else to do while you enjoy your shower. if this is his only opportunty to meet these people, and it is important to you that he meet them, maybe you should take a trip out to visit them aside from any wedding related event. go bring bagels to one of their houses one weekend and sit and chat.

it isn't going to kill you or your FI to spend this day or two apart. traditionally, a shower is a woman-only event, regarless if you agree with this. i think if you are upset with your aunts, you may want to consider they may be upset with you for assuming your FI would be invited in the first place.

I'm not opposed to spending the weekend apart. And we will have other opportunities to come visit, but not when all my friends will be in the same place. It's a 10 hour drive, we go about once or twice a year.

And maybe they are. I haven't thought about it like that. But before aunt #2 offered to pay for flights, it should have made no difference to them if FI came or not, we were dropping him off at my dad's, and he'd come down to see the end of the shower to meet everyone before we started on our way back home. He was going to spend two whole days with my father, while I spend the two days with my aunts and mother.

Wzz · March 2014

ReturnOfKuus said:

Or he could buy his own ticket and fly with you.

many options exist. but if you want to decline, you are within your rights.

McCMal · March 2014

Wzz said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

Or he could buy his own ticket and fly with you.

many options exist. but if you want to decline, you are within your rights.

It's not his means of arrival. It's the fact that they don't seem to want him even in the state. If they said he can't come to the shower at all, fine. He still could have visited with my dad, it wasn't costing us anything, heck, we could have worked it so that no one but my father saw him at all while we were all there.

It comes down to basically my aunt decided that I should spend a weekend away from him. Fine. I can do that, it'd probably be good for us. But before any of this was brought up, he was going to come and hang out with my father. That was the plan between my mother, my FI and I. But because aunt #2 decided what my FI should do with his time for him. She does not want him to come to Utah. At all. If he hadn't planned to come (Because he doesn't want to go to a shower, no guy does, but he did want to meet my friends and see my father), this would be a non issue. But my aunt changed our plans for us, according to what she wanted.

McCMal · March 2014

And it's not a fight about his right to attend. But as we were planning to go anyways, we saw no harm in him tagging along and seeing my father while we go do the girly stuff. It in no way affected the shower, the cost, the people or anyone. The only thing that changed was he was in the car with us for the ride there. That's where my aunt got mad, she thought it would be good for us to have a girl's weekend alone. That would have been fine too! I was talking to my mom about what we should do when my aunt offered to pay for flights, then bought them. She forced the decision on this through money. This is the point I am upset about.

VarunaTT · March 2014

Except she didn't. YOU STILL HAVE OPTIONS TO GET HIM THERE. So, stop being upset and have him drive.

You just want to be mad b/c she did it this way. Well, being mad isn't going to change her, so stop it.

McCMal · March 2014

VarunaTT said:

Except she didn't. YOU STILL HAVE OPTIONS TO GET HIM THERE. So, stop being upset and have him drive.

You just want to be mad b/c she did it this way. Well, being mad isn't going to change her, so stop it.

It is not a logistics issue. If FI drove there, aunt #2 would flip her wig anyways. She is trying to make a point with me. She thinks he needs to stay in Colorado. I wish I could have him drive, I should, because she would get upset, and I could stand up to her and let her know that she is exhausting everyone with her blind advice, and I don't need it.

But I can't get in an argument and tell her to get off my back, because if I do that, she won't come to the wedding. If she does not come, my dying grandmother does not come. I want my grandmother to be there, if she can. Because they live together, and aunt #2 is the caregiver, grandma cannot go anywhere without her.

No being mad won't change a thing. But I think I'm allowed to be frustrated a little. Will I voice this at all to anyone in my family? Not a chance. I'll get over it by the shower, and then I'm sure there will be ample amounts of other things she'll do I could take offence to there. But I won't.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Why does your aunt think you need to spend a weekend apart? Why do you seem to agree with that assessment? Why are you letting your relationship be dictated to by someone else?

CaliMel11 · March 2014

So just fly him out there and have him spend the day with your dad as originally planned. doesn't your dad get a say in this too? I'm sure he was happy to have some company and it's not like your aunt can forbid him from flying out there as well.

McCMal · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Why does your aunt think you need to spend a weekend apart? Why do you seem to agree with that assessment? Why are you letting your relationship be dictated to by someone else?

Because we live together and work together, and she couldn't stand her husband for more than a month, so she assumes that we will get bored with each other. She's assuming everything because I have told her nothing about our relationship accept we live and farm together.

If I seem as though I agree with it, it's only because I know I will not win this battle. So yes, it will be a fun mother daughter weekend. Do I want to leave FI at home? No. Do I think her assessment is asinine? Absolutely.

I am not letting her dictate our relationship only our plans. This time, because I have no choice. My mother accepted the airline tickets, I did not know. I will not, and have not accepted any other financial support. She is manipulating me, and right now I don't have any way to get out of it without loosing my grandmother from my wedding, or insulting aunt #5 who has planned out the shower already.

There will be no further discussion on my life or wedding with her. If I could, I wouldn't talk to her again at all. She has been truly insulting to my FI. I have no idea why she dislikes him other than her constant comparisons of her life to everyone else. My uncle is apparently exactly like her ex husband as well. So is my stepfather. Or, you know, all men.

McCMal · March 2014

CaliMel11 said:

So just fly him out there and have him spend the day with your dad as originally planned. doesn't your dad get a say in this too? I'm sure he was happy to have some company and it's not like your aunt can forbid him from flying out there as well.

Mentioned this to my mom, and she said aunt #2 would grudgingly pay for his flight if he tried to come (I would in no way ask her, if she found out he was coming anyways, she'd jump on paying for him, according to my mom) or be furious if she didn't know he was coming and he was there. She's very passive aggressive.

VarunaTT · March 2014

I don't understand why you're letting an aunt have this much power over you, especially one that is OOT.

Bring FI with you or not, as YOU want. Her opinion on this simply doesn't matter. If she tries to share it, say, "Your concern is noted," and change the subject.

kmmssg · March 2014

Do you honestly think she would hold granny hostage if you just quietly flew him out? I am not really doubting it could happen just because my aunt who was my guardian rolled EXACTLY the same way she was just very frugal and manipulated people with fear rather than money. She did not approve of my first marriage and kept the family away from the wedding (yes, I know they made the choice themselves but she was a powerful, bitter, vengeful woman who made your life hell when she wanted to).

PirateBarbie · March 2014

McCMal said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Why does your aunt think you need to spend a weekend apart? Why do you seem to agree with that assessment? Why are you letting your relationship be dictated to by someone else?

Because we live together and work together, and she couldn't stand her husband for more than a month, so she assumes that we will get bored with each other. She's assuming everything because I have told her nothing about our relationship accept we live and farm together.
If I seem as though I agree with it, it's only because I know I will not win this battle. So yes, it will be a fun mother daughter weekend. Do I want to leave FI at home? No. Do I think her assessment is asinine? Absolutely.
I am not letting her dictate our relationship only our plans. This time, because I have no choice. My mother accepted the airline tickets, I did not know. I will not, and have not accepted any other financial support. She is manipulating me, and right now I don't have any way to get out of it without loosing my grandmother from my wedding, or insulting aunt #5 who has planned out the shower already.
There will be no further discussion on my life or wedding with her. If I could, I wouldn't talk to her again at all. She has been truly insulting to my FI. I have no idea why she dislikes him other than her constant comparisons of her life to everyone else. My uncle is apparently exactly like her ex husband as well. So is my stepfather. Or, you know, all men.

You're missing the point. You absolutely have a choice here, but you're choosing to bend to your Aunt's will.

Your choices:

1) accept the ticket, leave FI at home

2) accept the ticket, buy a plane ticket for your FI, do weekend as planned without the long round trip drive

3) decline the ticket "sorry, I already have plans to drive in with my FI."

All of this drama is over a 2-3 hour party? Your FI can hang out with your dad during the shower, and you can set up plans with local friends and your FI after the party. I don't understand why this is such a big deal. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Aunt, but FI will be making the trip with me. We have plans with local friends/family after the shower." END OF DISCUSSION - hang up/walk away

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

I am baffled. How will you not win this battle? All you have to do is just proceed with the plans you and your FI originally had. How and why is this so difficult, and why do you give a damn if she throws a hissy fit?

Fairyjen1 · March 2014

If I were in your shoes I would just do as I had planned. Granted, I can't imagine any of my relatives purchasing plane tickets for me without my consent. I would just say 'Sorry you went ahead and purchased those plane tickets without my agreement, because I can't use them. We'll be driving down as planned, see you there!"

If I didn't want to drive I'd just get Fi a plane ticket. Your aunt doesn't have the power to keep him out of the whole state of Utah! He already made plans with your father so it would be just as rude for him to cancel, or at the very least it would be disappointing, because an aunt doesn't want him in the state. I mean, how silly does it sound for your future husband to go to your dad and say "Sorry, I know we planned to do things , but McCMal's aunt won't let me enter the state of Utah that weekend so now I can't come." Come on, She doesn't get to dictate what two grown men do with their weekend..

Why would Aunt #5 be insulted because you drove instead of flew, or flew in the same plane as your Fi? Why would she care how you got there? To me it sounds like you all need to get a backbone as far as Aunt #2 in concerned. I don't mean that in an insulting way, just as a stranger who read your story on the internet. You are letting your aunt dictate you, your mom, your fiance and your dad's plans that were already made that weekend.

ftrmrsskeide · March 2014

I kinda think everyone was missing the point in the begining of this convo. Is the issue that your aunt doesnt want him around period? If so thats sad. There is no reason he cant go with you and your mother that weekend and attend his own activities. I understand the focus of the bridal shower is supposed to be on the bride. But this seems like this issue with your aunt isnt going to stop there. Does she have a problem with him? If so, you need to put your foot down and stop letting her push you and your family around. You dont want other issues during your marriage or when/if the two of you decide to have a family.

This is what I would do:

Buy him his own plane ticket for the same weekend. Doesnt need to be the same flight. Have him go hang out with your dad for the day and GO ENJOY YOUR SHOWER! The day after the shower, ask some of the people you were really excited for him to meet out to lunch or dinner! That way your aunt wont have to have him around and the two of you will still get to celebrate the fact that you are getting married with people not able to come to the wedding! You can still be respectful and continue your plans.

So many aunts... vent

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