Color Snafu and Snarky Bridesmaid

Tomcat5251 · March 2014

I chose one of my good friends to be a bridesmaid today. I showed her my colors before I asked her if she would be one. She absolutely loved my colors. She agreed. I set out the parameters for the dress: Any style (I do not want matching style), no satin finish, a certain color and a certain color shoe (they pick the shoe style). She rolled her eyes when I stated that I did not want shiny shoes.

Let me back up. Last year, when she had her wedding, I was invited to be a bridesmaid. I declined due to the fact that the dresses that she chose were expensive and absolutely horrid style and color (she did not let anyone pick what they wanted style wise). There was no way that anyone could use those dresses again. I did not tell her this.

I said "Great!" and continued to tell her that I'm using a particular bridal store. She stated that she used that bridal store last year when she got married and didn't like the selection of bridesmaids dresses. She said that she would find an outside store that matched the color I chose. I asked her to please use the store that I'd chosen, due to any color variations an outside store may have and that if she could not find one that matched, a dress from my store may be on backorder and may not get here in time. She told me that I was being a "Bridezilla"- her exact words for wanting her to go to a store that I'm using. She stated that wanted something that would look good on her and that she could use again. I understand that. Hence, having my girls choose what style they each want from my chosen store in my color.

I pointed out to her that at her wedding, all the bridesmaids used her store of choice. They all matched her colors, without variation.

Help! Am I asking too much, to go to my bridal store of choosing so all colors match exact? It is my day. I'm letting everyone pick a dress suited to their body type and shoes they like, all within certain style (dress style or peep toe vs. closed toe) and color parameters. All choices of their would be within their individual budgets.

I'm not sure if I even want her to be in my bridal party, because she does not respect my choice and then called me a "Bridezilla". The color match is the only thing that I've been firm about for my day. If I am not being unreasonable, how can I tell her, that I do not wish for her to participate anymore because of her name calling and not respecting my choice?

Blergbot · March 2014

I think most here would agree that your request is reasonable. The only thing I would tone down is the "it's my day" stuff. That's when you start to sound a little Zilla-y. Please don't unask this person to be in your bridal party, though. If she wanted to bow out herself, that is a different story, but once you've asked them you've just gotta go with it.

MobKaz · March 2014

Restate the parameters. Tell her the color and remind her to not select a satin finish. Tell her to select the style within those parameters that makes her look and feel the best. Tell her to please use the bridal store of YOUR choosing. Give her the absolute last date on which she can order the dress. Stop discussing the dress issue after that.

Ignore the eye rolling and attitude. You said you chose her because she was a good friend. She may be giving you attitude because you declined being a BM in her wedding. Do not ask her to drop out. If she chooses to not honor those dress parameters, she takes herself out of the wedding.

hyechica81 · March 2014

first of all most bridal shops were i am carry about the same designers for bridesmaids so if she does not like what your salon has then let her go to another salon that has those designers carried that way she can still get the color you wish. but with that you are risking the colors come out different its best if everyone goes at the same time so the dresses are ordered at once and they are cut from the same dye lot so no variations.

your not asking much but what if she has a pair of the color of shoes you want them in but its shiney will you not let her wear them if she cant afford a new pair?

and if i was asked to be in someones wedding i would except and wear whatever dress they chose even if i didnt like it

Tomcat5251 · March 2014

I offered to go with her to pick out a dress and shoes at my shop of choice and I offered to pay for everything, just in case she couldn't afford the items. She declined.

She again stated that she would go somewhere else to find the style she liked.

I did give her a date to get and match her dress by or a new bridesmaid selection would be made to ensure that the dresses would be there on time. She got ticky and told me that I was "going to throw a bridesmaid away" if she didn't match the color or specifications.

My take on it is: If you don't like what the bride has chosen, then decline. I think it's rude to accept the bridesmaid invitation and then state that you're going to do your own thing and don't like the bride's options.

I think I'm not going to bring it up again and if she calls and says that she found a dress, I'll look at it. I'm not going to lose a friendship over it, but if she can't respect my choice, then let someone who would be more than eager to be in that place, be in it.

The whole deal left a bad taste in my mouth.

cruffino · March 2014

Sounds like it's time to leave the issue alone. She will either get a dress, or not, and by default take herself out of the bridal party. If that happens, don't replace her, that's tacky. Just keep it moving with the girls you have. No need for an even number of sides. You're right, it's not worth throwing out a friendship over.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

I have to agree with one other pp, I would tell her that if she wants to try a different shop that carries the same designer, but might have more or different options then the shop you picked out, as long as its the same designer, color & fabric you asked for, that is fine, but to please stay with the same designer. Asking that isn't too much. It's basically what you would ask of a BM that doesn't live near the shop you picked & has a shop that carries that designer closer to where they live.

You can't ask her to step down without ruining your friendship. Let it play itself out and see what happens. I would let her know that it hurt your feelings calling you a bridezilla because you are trying hard not to be and thought you were being pretty open by just asking to stick to a certain store.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Are you picking a certain designer when choosing your dress color? If so, then it really shouldn't matter which store she goes to as long as she buys that specific designer.

Sorry but I would roll my eyes as well if you told me "no shiny shoes". That is a bit much.

I would tell her and the rest of your BMs that you would like them to buy a dress by X designer in Y color in any fabric they like but something in satin or that has a shiny finish (which really means that you would like them in a chiffon). Then let them purchase that dress at whatever store they want and that is closest to them. Since it will be the same designer then the colors will all be the same.

And really kicking her out over one snarky remark and her not wanting to buy from a certain store is a bit of an extreme reaction. Realize that her not using the store of your choosing is not a huge deal as long as she is purchasing a dress by the same designer elsewhere.

jenna8984 · March 2014

I mean how close of friends are you that you wouldn't be in hers over the ugly dress? I hated the bright orange atrocity that my sister in law picked out and it was over my budget I gave her but I got it anyways because I love my brother. You're kind of expecting her to get something she doesn't like when you wouldn't do that for her.

ElcaB · March 2014

jenna8984 said:

I mean how close of friends are you that you wouldn't be in hers over the ugly dress? I hated the bright orange atrocity that my sister in law picked out and it was over my budget I gave her but I got it anyways because I love my brother. You're kind of expecting her to get something she doesn't like when you wouldn't do that for her.

Yes, yes, and yes. I don't think your expectations for BM attire is out of line, but the info in bold struck me as odd.

MandyMost · March 2014

The one thing I noticed in your original post is an attitude of "I'm really going out of my way to make sure the bridesmaids have a dress they like that they can wear again". Really the only thing you're letting them pick is the cut of a dress from a particular designer, with a particular couple fabric choices, in a specific color. The only difference here from a traditional "this is the bridesmaid dress everyone must buy" is that the cut of the dress will be flattering to each girl, assuming they pick something flattering. But they'll still be bridesmaids dresses, in a bridesmaid color, in a bridesmaid fabric. You should just assume that they'll never wear them again--you're really not doing them any favors other than letting them be a LITTLE more comfortable on the day itself.

Also, since you have a specific designer you're requiring, in a specific color, it shouldn't be hard to actually list out the fabric choices as well. That should be easier for them than "not satin".

And I agree with others that you should let them buy the dress at any store as long as it's the correct designer. I'm assuming you might be talking about a store that only carries their own line, like David's Bridal--in that case, yes they have to go to a David's Bridal or get the dress from the online site.

Maybe it will be clearer if you find an online link to all the dress style options that are available, and essentially tell them "Order one of these dresses, in this color, in one of these fabrics".

Tomcat5251 · March 2014

Thank you, everyone, for the feedback

sarahufl · March 2014

ElcaB said:

jenna8984 said:

I mean how close of friends are you that you wouldn't be in hers over the ugly dress? I hated the bright orange atrocity that my sister in law picked out and it was over my budget I gave her but I got it anyways because I love my brother. You're kind of expecting her to get something she doesn't like when you wouldn't do that for her.

Yes, yes, and yes. I don't think your expectations for BM attire is out of line, but the info in bold struck me as odd.

I have worn not 1, but 2, lime green bridesmaids dresses. Both cost over 200 bucks. But I cared so much about the bride I sucked it up....

Tomcat5251 · March 2014

Thank you for your feedback.

Tomcat5251 · March 2014

Please note that I also said expense in my original post. Sometimes people do not have the funds to pull out of thin air. Some would ensure their child gets fed than put a lot of money on a dress and have it be awful on top of it. Not going into my financial situation at that time along with health factors and child factors, but being a good friend has nothing to do with the fact of me declining hers and not being a good friend to her.

Sometimes there's more reason that a poster does not want aired simply because it's not the world's business. As a close friend, she was aware of my situations (financial, health and personal) and she was ok that I declined. Thankfully, my financial, health and child factors have done a 180 in the last year. I did not tell her of her choice of dress ickiness reason on top of everything, as it would have hurt her.

Thank you to all that replied to my post. Today, she texted me and stated that she was able to find a style in my color from my shop that would look fabulous on her and which she could use again.

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