I guess this is old hat to everyone but me?

Re: I guess this is old hat to everyone but me?

• Inkdancer member

  

  March 2014

  You are being a little selfish, but not in the way you think: don't assume that if they can't come it's because they aren't happy for you! Invitations aren't tit for tat. It may well be that they are very happy for you, but something (budget, work schedule, childcare) makes it so they can't attend. It may be a situation that they aren't comfortable discussing, especially if they don't want to make you sad while you are busy being happy about getting married.
  
  Don't assume that they don't care or don't want to be there. I'm sure your friends are happy for you, just sometimes life happens.
  
  Just remember this: you have found the love of your life, and that's a reason to be happy. Find the little things in every day, even write them down if it helps, and just hold tight to those things so the other stuff doesn't get you down so much.
  

  

  

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• CrazyCatLady3 member

  

  March 2014

  I understand where you're coming from.  One of my FI's good friends declined our invite.  FI was a GM in his wedding, and traveled internationally for his b-party.  We understand that he and his wife would have to travel a great distance to come to the wedding so it's understandable that they can't make it, but FI is upset that the guy didn't even shoot him an email or text to say, sorry we can't make it.  Rather, his wife just sent back the rsvp card.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  Ehhh, I think you're over-reacting. As long as they're declining appropriately (using the RSVP card and doing it in a timely manner), there's really nothing to complain about. 

  
  

  Weddings (and other life events) aren't tit-for-tat. I've been in five weddings; of those brides, only one (my SIL) was even invited to my wedding. Friendships change as time goes on.

  
  

  Your wedding will never be the event for other people that it is for you. It just won't be. And maybe your friends want to come, but can't because of finances, schedules, childcare issues, marital issues, etc. 

  
  

  Don't take their decline to mean that they're not interested -- it just means they can't come.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• happymellow member

  

  March 2014

  Alright, thanks.  I needed that.  I'm still a little glum, but I'll try and move past it.  I'll try and focus on the exciting parts rather than the selfish side of me that wants everyone there. 
  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  March 2014

  @happymellow Don't be glum, have a hug!
  
  
  
  It's gonna be okay, friend.
  

  

  

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• happymellow member

  

  March 2014

  Thanks, @Inkdancer. 
  

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• wandajune6 member

  

  March 2014

  I wrote a long response but then I realized I was basically telling the exact same background as what you posted. I haven't sent invitations yet (just STDs) but the reactions I've gotten about my marriage have been pretty similar- some great excitement from a few friends and family, lots who haven't acknowledged it. 
  
  I'm 35 and have never been married. FI is 38 and was married for a heartbeat 17 years ago (long divorced but son lives with us).
  
  My twin sister got married 5 years ago and had a baby 2 years ago. Huge fusses were made over her engagement, wedding, pregnancy, and baby. While she did this, I got into/moved away/finished an MBA from an amazing school, built an amazing career, met an amazing guy, and got engaged. Nothing for me except plans for a pizza dinner for the immediate family that got canceled 2x before I gave up. Though my parents did offer us a huge chunk of money for the wedding (i.e. the same amount they gave my sister).
  
  It feels like shit. So, maybe it's a little selfish but so what?
  
  I cried about this a few times, particularly every time FI's family made me feel incredibly loved and welcomed. I've come to this: I know my family loves me and FI. I know my friends care about/love us both. It also hurts to not feel like you're getting your "turn" to be the center of attention. You can't change that. So my approach has been to have a good cry when needed then surround yourself with the people who ARE excited for you. It helps!
  
  I guess my response got long anyway, sorry!
  

  

  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  March 2014

  @wandajune6 See hug gif above. It sucks when it doesn't feel like your family is happy for yo.
  

  

  

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• wandajune6 member

  

  March 2014

  Thanks, @Inkdancer!
  
  I didn't mean to sound whiny- I just wanted to @happymellow not to feel alone!
  
  My family loves me and FI and they're happy, they just aren't excited about me the way they were with my sister. My aunt noticed and said something perfect- "For your sister, getting married is the big achievement. For you, marriage is just another step in a wonderful life you're creating for yourself." 
  
  It's what I needed, though is still hurts when I think about it.
  

  

  

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• MrsMack10612 member

  

  March 2014

  I can relate, but have gotten over it. None of the aunts/uncles/cousins (save one and I think she only came because my mom asked her to be her helper) on my mom's side came to my wedding. It hurt. These were the family members I felt closest to growing up. My dad's side of the family? Everybody still living turned out. It hurts and it sucks, but the thing to remember is on your wedding day, you won't really be thinking about who won't be there. Just enjoy the day with those that show up.

   

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• happymellow member

  

  March 2014

  Thanks @wandajune6 and @MrsMack10612.  I am working on it, just still a bit bummed.  It's a little less than 2 weeks away, so events/planning are starting to pick up.  The couple days before the wedding should really put me in the right mood.  So until then,  I'm going to try and just focus on the things I need to do and all the awesomeness that IS surrounding me from other friends and family and run with that.  Sorry you had to go through something similar.  It does hurt some.
  
  
  

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• MrsMack10612 member

  

  March 2014

  I think what hurt me the most is the thoughts of "maybe I'm not as important to them as I thought."  Most of the time that's not the case.  Life happens, people get older and can't travel.  Friends have children and can't find childcare.
  
  It really is nothing personal, but I think we all wonder if it maybe it isn't.
  
  It will take time but you'll get there.  Of course I have a whole host of other reasons to be upset with these family members, but that's a story for another day.
  

   

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• wandajune6 member

  

  March 2014

  @happymellow- great perspective! It's all going to be great feelings (and probably a bit of stress!) until you're married.
  
  Enjoy it!
  

  

  

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• suburbanstepmom member

  

  March 2014

  I haven't sent out invitations yet, but I did have one of my friends decline my invitation to be a BM. I was really miffed by it at first, and still feel a little touchy about the subject. After some thought though I just try to remind myself it's better to have someone decline or be uninterested originally rather than to have them agree and then be a total party-pooper the day of. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

  Regardless, I’m sorry you’re having a tough time with this. It really can be a drag at times. Just remember that it’s your wedding and it’ll be beautiful with the people who do show up to support you!

  

   

  

   

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• happymellow member

  

  March 2014

  MissMaeisbeforeJune said:

  I haven't sent out invitations yet, but I did have one of my friends decline my invitation to be a BM. I was really miffed by it at first, and still feel a little touchy about the subject. After some thought though I just try to remind myself it's better to have someone decline or be uninterested originally rather than to have them agree and then be a total party-pooper the day of.

  Regardless, I’m sorry you’re having a tough time with this. It really can be a drag at times. Just remember that it’s your wedding and it’ll be beautiful with the people who do show up to support you!

  Thanks!  I'm still a little bummed, but it has gotten better since I posted.  You're right about the bridesmaids though.  It's better to have those that are excited for you to be in it.  Sorry you had one turn you down.  I had one that never called me back after three phone calls, so I didn't even get to ask her.
  

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• abbyj700 member

  

  March 2014

  OP- I'm not there yet as it's too far out for my wedding but I feel like I will be. I went to all of my cousins weddings. BUT I'm marrying at 30 and a majority of them have small children (and we are having a kid free wedding). I remind myself now for the future that just because they cannot attend doesn't mean they don't want to. As others have said - life happens. Money, kids, jobs, responsibility - all reasons you can't travel for weddings or attend events even locally. Those who are there want and can be there - so enjoy the time you have on your special day with those people who are there with you!

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