I just can't with her.

JennyColada · March 2014

This girl that I know was discussing a divorce that her friends are going through. A big point that she keeps bringing up is their joint bank account. My friend is ranting about how they are always a bad idea and "I need to know what is mine in case we get divorced."

I'm sorry, I find that attitude ignorant and insulting. Her way of thinking is "I don't want to give someone else my hard earned money."

Thankfully, this girl is just dating her partner, and not engaged. But I just don't see how anyone could be so selfish. With my Fi, our things are OUR things. The pans I bought before we were together? Ours. The house he bough before we were together? Ours. The TV he purchased on his credit card? Ours.

I can see the benefit in having some "my" things (and in keeping an individual bank account), but I can't even fathom having "my" versus "yours" be EVERYTHING.

ZiggyZos · March 2014

I can't fathom everything being my versus your, but DH and I keep separate bank accounts in addition to our joint one. We both work hard for our money and we have our individual hobbies that we fuel with that hard-earned cash. I don't care to know what he spends on hunting, nor does he care to know what I spend on my dogs so long as the bills are getting paid and we have a comfortable cushion in savings and a plan for any major expenses we intend to incur.

JennyColada · March 2014

ZiggyZos said:
I can't fathom everything being my versus your, but DH and I keep separate bank accounts in addition to our joint one. We both work hard for our money and we have our individual hobbies that we fuel with that hard-earned cash. I don't care to know what he spends on hunting, nor does he care to know what I spend on my dogs so long as the bills are getting paid and we have a comfortable cushion in savings and a plan for any major expenses we intend to incur.

Yea. I can see some things being "mine" (and I would be hurt if we got divorced and he fought to keep my handbags, lol). I agree with having individual accounts alongside joint (I mean, I don't really care if a couple has a joint account or not, although I do think it can make some things easier!).

The general attitude, rather than the actual logistics, is more important to me.

SBmini · March 2014

That's really nuts to be planning to have all your stuff easily sorted out in case you get divorced!

That said- if things hit the fan, first thing I'm doing is separating our bank accounts. Only reason I've thought about that is a friend is getting a divorce and STILL has her joint account with her soon-to-be-ex-husband. I've told her that at ANY given time, he could take all the money out of the account and she won't be able to do anything because both of them are account owners. It's a risk I don't think anyone getting a divorce should take.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

Jennycolada said:

This girl that I know was discussing a divorce that her friends are going through. A big point that she keeps bringing up is their joint bank account. My friend is ranting about how they are always a bad idea and "I need to know what is mine in case we get divorced." I'm sorry, I find that attitude ignorant and insulting. Her way of thinking is "I don't want to give someone else my hard earned money." Thankfully, this girl is just dating her partner, and not engaged. But I just don't see how anyone could be so selfish. With my Fi, our things are OUR things. The pans I bought before we were together? Ours. The house he bough before we were together? Ours. The TV he purchased on his credit card? Ours. I can see the benefit in having some "my" things (and in keeping an individual bank account), but I can't even fathom having "my" versus "yours" be EVERYTHING.

Honestly, I get it. Has she been married before? Both my DH and I have been married before and saw the ugly, nasty side of our exes. It is so disheartening, so draining, and so hurtful. To be thinking that prior to even being engaged is probably not a good sign. However, we as a couple have decided to keep everything separate. It doesn't mean we don't love each other and we certainly share our "wealth" with each other, but when push comes to shove on the legal end, what's mine is mine and what's his is his. It really is something that works for us but we're both on the same page with it.

emmaaa · March 2014

I hate when people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them that FI and I have a joint account . We have lived together or two years and had our accounts together for a year. After living together for while with them separate we realized that it woud benefit both of us if we have a joint account.

For a back story: the first year FI and lived together, I was in school and he worked full time. I had a part time job but did not make much. He helped pay for my gas and such. But since our accounts were separate I had to ASK for money, like an allowance. He never made it seem that way but that was how I felt and then joined our checking accounts and keep a separate savings.

I really believe this eliminates the "mine" and "yours" mentality that many couples have.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

SBmini said:

That's really nuts to be planning to have all your stuff easily sorted out in case you get divorced!

That said- if things hit the fan, first thing I'm doing is separating our bank accounts. Only reason I've thought about that is a friend is getting a divorce and STILL has her joint account with her soon-to-be-ex-husband. I've told her that at ANY given time, he could take all the money out of the account and she won't be able to do anything because both of them are account owners. It's a risk I don't think anyone getting a divorce should take.

I have friends who went through a bitter, horrible divorce. They've been divorced for two years and they're STILL fighting over things (physical things, like a freezer, actually).

He was pretty sure she was cheating on him (and she was). The first thing he did when she moved out was go online and stop the direct-deposit of his (much larger) pay cheque to their joint account. He also went in and removed about half the money that was in there, because he didn't trust her.

She went out the next day and tried to spend all the money in the account (she had timed her leaving for after his pay period ended and his cheque came through), and found out what he had done.

It certainly didn't help their situation, but it goes to show what she would have been like if he hadn't been vigilant.

cruffino · March 2014

DH and I have joined all of our finances. It works for us. If things were to go south, my first step would be to cover my ass financially.

In my previous relationship, I got screwed because I was dumb enough to put debt in my name only. So when it ended, he walked away and left me to pay everything off. Hard lesson learned there.

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

I get that this girl has a negative attitude, but I'm sure it comes from witnessing plenty of crap.

At 31 and 34 years old, FI and I are bringing in pre-owned finances, but we'll have a joint account for joint expenses and separate accounts for separate expenses. It doesn't mean we don't love each other or trust each other, just that we're being smart based on knowledge of what could happen.

What I "can't" handle is the women who have "allowances" even though they WORK. You mean to tell me that you EARNED that money and aren't allowed to spend it how you choose? It's the key word that bothers me, not the concept, because smart budgeting works the exact same way.

Please don't tell me you have an allowance, tell me that you have a limited budget once your shared expenses are taken care of. Allowances are for kids. Ugh.

emmyg65 · March 2014

We live in a community property state, so everything that's his is equally mine and everything that's mine is equally his, whether it's in one name or both our names. Nothing I acquire after our wedding date, whether it's money or debt, is necessarily "mine."

We pooled all of our money (debt and income) in part because of this, but mostly because it just makes things a lot easier and for philosophical reasons (we're equal partners, all in, together).

People can organize their finances however they want, but marriage has bigger consequences than many people realize. It is an enormously complex, legally binding contract.

wandajune6 · March 2014

We'll have a hybrid.

I earn more (for now) but have a ridiculous amount of student loan debt. He'll be going back to school soon, has a son that lives with us, and has an ex wife who is 4 years behind on child support. We pay for things together and effectively share everything but we both feel responsible for taking care of those financial responsibilities that we came in with. We've only postponed the joint checking account for temporary financially reasons but are ready to go with that.

KPBM89 · March 2014

FI and I each have our own accounts and a joint account, but all of the money in the joint account is mine (he never switched over his checks and it would honestly be a huge PITA to do so b/c his bills are already tied to his own). If he wants to, he can use my account or the joint; just like if I want to, I can use his account. We share everything, possessions and money included.

I just don't like this way of thinking. I do not enter into things with my FI (like our home and our bank accounts) thinking "oh shit I can't do that in case of a divorce." I would cover my ass if I ever had to, but I would never not do something with FI because things could potentially go south.

emmaaa · March 2014

thisismynickname said:

I get that this girl has a negative attitude, but I'm sure it comes from witnessing plenty of crap.

At 31 and 34 years old, FI and I are bringing in pre-owned finances, but we'll have a joint account for joint expenses and separate accounts for separate expenses. It doesn't mean we don't love each other or trust each other, just that we're being smart based on knowledge of what could happen.

What I "can't" handle is the women who have "allowances" even though they WORK. You mean to tell me that you EARNED that money and aren't allowed to spend it how you choose? It's the key word that bothers me, not the concept, because smart budgeting works the exact same way.
Please don't tell me you have an allowance, tell me that you have a limited budget once your shared expenses are taken care of. Allowances are for kids. Ugh.

@thisismynickname I actually have a friend who told her FI to give here an allottment of money to spend each month because she is awful at budgeting and they are trying to save money.

SBmini · March 2014

cruffino said:

DH and I have joined all of our finances. It works for us. If things were to go south, my first step would be to cover my ass financially. In my previous relationship, I got screwed because I was dumb enough to put debt in my name only. So when it ended, he walked away and left me to pay everything off. Hard lesson learned there.

Ouch that sucks. We have some debt quirks. For example, his 4runner is in my name and I have the loan (made more sense from a credit standpoint). Where as my BMW is in his name. One day he pointed out that the BMW is his when I said it was mine. So I asked him hypothetically, if this all ends tomorrow, what vehicle would you want. He replied the 4runner. I told him, exactly- it's my BMW.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

eg72 said:

thisismynickname said:

I get that this girl has a negative attitude, but I'm sure it comes from witnessing plenty of crap.

At 31 and 34 years old, FI and I are bringing in pre-owned finances, but we'll have a joint account for joint expenses and separate accounts for separate expenses. It doesn't mean we don't love each other or trust each other, just that we're being smart based on knowledge of what could happen.

What I "can't" handle is the women who have "allowances" even though they WORK. You mean to tell me that you EARNED that money and aren't allowed to spend it how you choose? It's the key word that bothers me, not the concept, because smart budgeting works the exact same way.

Please don't tell me you have an allowance, tell me that you have a limited budget once your shared expenses are taken care of. Allowances are for kids. Ugh.
@thisismynickname I actually have a friend who told her FI to give here an allottment of money to spend each month because she is awful at budgeting and they are trying to save money.

My BIL and SIL have the allowance thing going. She works, but she is TERRIBLE with money. If she was allowed to spend all of her paycheck, she would never pay the bills and always buy purses, rings, and get her nails done more often. Case in point, their washing machine broke and for whatever reason, they agreed she would pay for it (I think because he had just bought her a new car and he wanted to prove a point.) Guess what? They went MONTHS without a washing machine while she continued to get her nails done and buy new purses.

I think this can go both ways where men have allowances as well. Even if we had joint accounts, we are both trustworthy to pay the bills. In fact, I pay several bills that are in his name and vice versa. We split out bills according to our incomes rather than by who owns what. I pay for both of our cars, for example, even though his car is in his name. They will be paid off VERY soon, so then I'll pick up the rent/mortgage when we move in a few months since we are keeping our current two homes.

SBmini · March 2014

My dad has an allowance too. Simply because my mom manages all the money for the company and the home. If he wants to buy something big he just calls her up and asks her to give him money. I think it's pretty cute. They've been together for 30+ years, it's what works for them.

emmaaa · March 2014

I think, like everyone has pointed out, that when it comes to finances, it will vary from couple to couple. It will work as long as BOTH partners are on board and agree with the arrangement.

BTW, the bank told my FI and I that if we ever decide to separate our accounts, we both have to come in and sign off. One person can not just decide that they want the other person off of the account.

climbingsingle · March 2014

I get not having joint accounts. I had just one account with my ex-husband. It was a joint account that both of our paychecks went into. I'm not going to go into all the detail, but it was a nightmare. And after I went through that, I told myself I'd always have my own accounts.

Now, I have my own checking and savings accounts, as does FI (one for his business too). Then we have an additional checking account that we use to pay bills, travel, etc.

ZiggyZos · March 2014

thisismynickname said:

I get that this girl has a negative attitude, but I'm sure it comes from witnessing plenty of crap.

At 31 and 34 years old, FI and I are bringing in pre-owned finances, but we'll have a joint account for joint expenses and separate accounts for separate expenses. It doesn't mean we don't love each other or trust each other, just that we're being smart based on knowledge of what could happen.

What I "can't" handle is the women who have "allowances" even though they WORK. You mean to tell me that you EARNED that money and aren't allowed to spend it how you choose? It's the key word that bothers me, not the concept, because smart budgeting works the exact same way.
Please don't tell me you have an allowance, tell me that you have a limited budget once your shared expenses are taken care of. Allowances are for kids. Ugh.

I *just* had this discussion with DH yesterday, as the guys at work were giving him a hard time about the tax return going into my account (and staying there). It's not that H can't use it, but rather it is less likely to be spent frivolously in my account because I'm the stingy one. We have some major home upgrades planned (like changing our electric service from a 60 amp fuse box to a 100+ amp circuit box) that we need to keep that money set aside for.

The guys he work with (most of them never married or divorced) kept telling him about what a financial disaster it will be if we ever got divorced, but that's because most of them keep one account and have women who don't work/they support (not necessarily stay at home moms, either... just kept girlfriends/wives who enjoy the overtime checks). DH told them he's not worried about it; we have separate accounts in addition to the joint money, and I take pride in working and spending my own money, not his.

Chipmunk415 · March 2014

DH is putting my name on his accounts- I'm putting him on mine. While I'll get a debit card for his, I probably won't use it. He was a little antsy at me getting online access. Not because he doesn't trust me, but I've had computer problems before, it's genetic (he's had to fix my dad's computer multiple times) so he's concerned about me accidentally getting something on my computer that will end up wiping out his account. I've promised to access it only from his secure computer, and told him it would probably only be in the event he was hospitalized and we needed a lot of money fast.

For the record, I currently don't have online access set up with my accounts (been too lazy to do it), and I use checks, not debit cards (which drives him nuts). So even though we are on each others accounts, we probably will basically have things seperate until we open one together and have everything going in there (direct deposit, etc).

Of course, he does like to scare the hell out of me that he bought xyz tech toy that he doesn't need but wants and it's only a ridiculous amount of money....but that's just to watch my expression

melbelleup · March 2014

ZiggyZos said:

I can't fathom everything being my versus your, but DH and I keep separate bank accounts in addition to our joint one. We both work hard for our money and we have our individual hobbies that we fuel with that hard-earned cash. I don't care to know what he spends on hunting, nor does he care to know what I spend on my dogs so long as the bills are getting paid and we have a comfortable cushion in savings and a plan for any major expenses we intend to incur.

this is what FI and I plan to do. I need my own money, but ours combined for bills. I don't want to have to ask him to pay for dog classes or shows. same for him with re-enacting stuff.

jules3964 · March 2014

FI and I have separate accounts, and plan to continue that after we get married. I generally pay for bills (rent, utilities, food, household supplies, etc.) and keep a running tab, and he gives me a check for half at the end of the month. When we go out to eat, we just take turns covering the bill. This system works for us.

That being said, after marriage we'll definitely still have the mindset of "what's mine is your's"... we just don't want to get into a situation of having to ask permission to buy something. We're committed to helping each other financially, as a unit, and I think that's the point.

FiancB · March 2014

We plan on merging accounts but haven't yet and I think it's harder! I'm sick of us trying to split up different bills, groceries, etc. I can't wait until we have a joint account. We will probably have sub accounts for individual fun stuff, but mostly be joint.

princessleia22 · March 2014

I agree that its pretty bad to be thinking about divorce and saying that you should make sure to keep everything separate before you even get married. I prefer to trust the FI and I will work through our problems and make our marriage last. But, I also think its a personal preference. Divorce is a reality today. Nobody plans for it to happen, but it happens to 50% of the population. So, it's not necessarily bad to be prepared or at least consider the possibility.

When FI and I moved in together, we opened a joint account for our joint bills (rent, utilities, etc.). We both put same amount each month into our joint account, enough to cover bills with a little extra, which was used for trips or entertainment. We still had our individual accounts also. Then after a couple years, we went through a time where we both got laid off from work at the same time. During that time we had to pool all money we had to survive and pay the bills. Everything we had went into the joint account. And even after we started working, we just kind of stuck with using the joint account. It works out good for us because I have higher income than him, but I'm self employed so my income is irregular and usually comes in bursts. I could make $10K one month, but then not make anything at all for the next 4 months. He gets paid weekly, so that helps hold us over during my slow times and evens it out a bit. We don't pay attention to who makes what, it's all "our" money. We don't ask permission to buy something, but we will usually consult with each other if its a bigger expense. If we were to break up or divorce, I think we would have more issues deciding custody of the dogs and our bed than we would any money.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

jules3964 said:

FI and I have separate accounts, and plan to continue that after we get married. I generally pay for bills (rent, utilities, food, household supplies, etc.) and keep a running tab, and he gives me a check for half at the end of the month. When we go out to eat, we just take turns covering the bill. This system works for us.

That being said, after marriage we'll definitely still have the mindset of "what's mine is your's"... we just don't want to get into a situation of having to ask permission to buy something. We're committed to helping each other financially, as a unit, and I think that's the point.

This is pretty much what we do too! I'm glad it's not unusual. I pay the rent and utilities and FI gives me his share of those at the end of the month. Any big purchase we split, and whoever goes to the grocery store pays, we don't keep track or anything. When we go out to eat it alternates or depends on the circumstance. Dinner for my Mom's birthday- I'll pay. We go out after a game or a show that I purchased the tickets for, he'll buy dinner. So it evens out eventually. I think each couple has to do what's right for them.

My parents are the opposite, and pretty much do what SBmini's parents do.

AnAngelGoneInsane · March 2014

I have been lurking for a while but thought I would like to share my two cents. For me and my SO what we have found to work is have separate accounts and one joint. We each put 75% of our check into our joint account and 25% into our own accounts. We have a fairly large difference in pay, I make about 3 times what he does while he is finishing up school, this makes its so that we each feel like we are contributing the same and we don't have to nit pick about who is paying more. Also side note we use our joint account for everything we do together bills, dinner, everything.

princessleia22 · March 2014

I actually really like the set up with both having individual accounts and one joint account for joint expenses. It makes bill pay in easy, rather than having to pay SO each month, while still allowing each to have own money. It's a great compromise. Although FI and have moved to just using our joint account mostly, we both still have our individual accounts also.

LabLove86 · March 2014

ZiggyZos said:

I can't fathom everything being my versus your, but DH and I keep separate bank accounts in addition to our joint one. We both work hard for our money and we have our individual hobbies that we fuel with that hard-earned cash. I don't care to know what he spends on hunting, nor does he care to know what I spend on my dogs so long as the bills are getting paid and we have a comfortable cushion in savings and a plan for any major expenses we intend to incur.

This is what we do - BF and I each have our own accounts for personal bills/savings/hobbies ect. Then we have a joint account for all of the house-hold bills and groceries.

We also both have savings accounts - but they are not equal - he is MUCH better at building up his savings account and keeping it there. I will build mine up - then say "oh I love that! I have the money saved for it! I'm gonna buy it!" or "Oh I have enough in savings for that vacation so lets go!" type of thing. So we decided that his savings account will be our 'Oh-shit/emergency' account, and mine will be the 'fun/vacation' account we can dip into. This helps me to build it up - knowing we are saving for not only fun/vacations - but pretty soon down payments on a house and wedding in the future too. Also - having to be accountable to someone else helps me to not dip into it as much . . .

I just can't with her.

Re: I just can't with her.

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