religion and my mother

angelcc20 · March 2014

So my fiances family is Adventist and my family are not. my fiance doesn't really practice the religion but his family does. the problem is not with the wedding because we are not going to have a religious ceremony. but for my bridal shower I informed my mother that because of their religion and church times his side of the family would not be able to arrive unless it was later in the evening. well, of course my mother got pissed and said she wouldn't cater to anyone and if they couldn't make it because of their religion than it was their problem...(yeah she's a bit much) my question is:

-is it wrong that my mother doesn't want to change the time because of their religion? and should she cater to them in the future?

I know religion is a touchy subject but I just wanted a few answers to see if I am wrong in thinking that she is being rude (because she doesn't like his mother)

I felt like her anger is because she doesn't like his mother

hlvonb · March 2014

I think it is wrong in the situation of the bridal shower but in the future she should not have to cater to them. If anything, maybe your Fiance's side can throw their own shower for you if your mother refuses to change the time.

angelcc20 · March 2014

thank you,

I can understand in the future she should not have to change things for them but I thought she should for the shower...I just wanted to see if I was wrong to think that she was wrong. if that makes sense. I just wanted to be fair to both of them but it is so hard to do because they are so different.

classyduck · March 2014

I have to generally agree with @hlvonb -- except, I'm not entirely sure your mother is wrong at all. She has chosen to host a bridal shower for you, and as far as I understand, she did not choose this time in an attempt to slight or offend anyone--it just happened to be inconvenient. Hosting a shower for you is a gracious act, and no-one is entitled to be in attendance to it except you. If FI's family are unable to attend, they have the option of hosting a shower for your themselves.

Now, as an aside... it would be SUPER gracious of your mother to be more accommodating of understandably important guests like your FIs family... but I'm inclined to think that etiquette doesn't obligate it. I'm a noobie though, so I hope more experienced knotties will correct me if I'm wrong.

antoto · March 2014

classyduck said:

I have to generally agree with @hlvonb -- except, I'm not entirely sure your mother is wrong at all. She has chosen to host a bridal shower for you, and as far as I understand, she did not choose this time in an attempt to slight or offend anyone--it just happened to be inconvenient. Hosting a shower for you is a gracious act, and no-one is entitled to be in attendance to it except you. If FI's family are unable to attend, they have the option of hosting a shower for your themselves.

Now, as an aside... it would be SUPER gracious of your mother to be more accommodating of understandably important guests like your FIs family... but I'm inclined to think that etiquette doesn't obligate it. I'm a noobie though, so I hope more experienced knotties will correct me if I'm wrong.

This

She's not really doing anything WRONG here. I had plenty of people who couldn't make it to my shower because my sisters wanted to have it like 2 months before the wedding and most of my friends are out of town. But it was their right and I had A BLAST at my beautiful shower

Don't worry about it - things will figure themselves out. After the wedding I feel that it is unlikely that the two families will have massive amounts of interactions which would even necessitate your mom accommodating their religion, so don't worry about that either.

classyduck · March 2014

Is there a word for that? That "super gracious" quality? It's strange... it's an expectation we have as a society, but it is not quite etiquette. We expect people to bend, and be accommodating of certain breeches of etiquette in others...

good-natured? compassionate? amiable? accommodating? considerate? courteous?

I don't know. Well, your mother is definitely being polite and gracious with this party, but she maybe isn't being any of those other things I named.

Etiquette only goes so far. ... On the other hand, I tend to agree with her, on the religion aspect, so I'm kind of cheering her on, too. Mom's got some balls.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Actually, your mother isn't required to invite your fiance's family members to the shower, so for the limited purpose of this party I agree with her-it is their problem if she invites them and they can't make it, because it is not being thrown for their benefit.

For other issues, I agree that she will need to be more accommodating and refusing to do so is ungracious and possibly mean-spirited, because dismissing it as "their problem" will be inappropriate.

AddieCake · March 2014

Ditto PPs. For the shower, she's in the right. Moving forward for potential other gatherings, she needs to take their religion into consideration so as not to cause problems between the families.

mzbda · March 2014

I grew up SDA so I completely understand. I'm assuming your shower will be on a Saturday, which is the Sabbath for SDAs. So they wouldn't be able to attend until the sun sets.

I don't think your mother is required to change the time but I personally would feel awful if my FI's family couldn't attend my shower because my mother refused to be accommodating.

Is there a reason why she won't have the start time late or on another day?

mbross3 · March 2014

I honestly think your mom is in the right here. It sounds like she picked a time that worked for her- and she is generously hosting a shower for you, which obviously she is not required to do. It does not sound like she picked a time with the purpose of excluding your FI's family. She may have already started planning for the shower, etc and honestly it can be difficult to move a shower that was say to start in the early/mid afternoon, to suddenly start at sundown or later in the evening.

You can't demand that your mother, the hostess, change the shower time any more than you would request that your FIs family skip church (or whatever) to come to your shower. It's rude. Making the issue known to your mother is all you can do, and remember that she is graciously throwing you a shower. If your FI's family can't make it, that's what it is, many people who attend the wedding and other pre-wedding events can't make it to the shower. I would just get it over it and enjoy your shower.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Your mother is not wrong. She does doesn't have to 'cater' (your word) to your FI's family -- not for this and not in the future.

Your mother is not marrying your FI's family. You are. You and your FI will have to choose how to balance his family's religious strictures with your lives, but your mother doesn't have to.

If you said anything to your mother about her 'catering' to his family, I can understand why she's angry.

Whether she's refusing to move the time because she doesn't like your FMIL or not is irrelevant. She doesn't have to.

But going forward, you and your FI are going to have to figure how to balance those competing interests.

Simply Fated · March 2014

I also agree that your mom is in the right.
While it would be great if she accommodated your future in-laws, she isn't technically breaking etiquette.
Different people attend different religious services on different days and different times. As someone who was raised Jewish, I can attest that I often had to miss out on some events thrown on my Sabbath. It is what it is.

You do have the option of declining her offer to throw the shower, though.

classyduck · March 2014

Simply Fated said:

I also agree that your mom is in the right. While it would be great if she accommodated your future in-laws, she isn't technically breaking etiquette. Different people attend different religious services on different days and different times. As someone who was raised Jewish, I can attest that I often had to miss out on some events thrown on my Sabbath. It is what it is. You do have the option of declining her offer to throw the shower, though.

Very good point. If OP feels the potential fallout is simply too great to risk, this is always an option.

cruffino · March 2014

Your mom isn't wrong, but it doesn't sound like a very welcoming way to start the marriage. My mom changed the start time of my bridal luncheon to accommodate my MIL. It was a simple gesture, but it shows goodwill. Honestly, what's the big deal about a few hours?

jdluvr06 · March 2014

Your mother isn't in the wrong but I can't say she is right either. It is always off putting to me when a person says something along the lines of "it's their problem" in regards to a person's religious restrictions. Honestly, if it were me I would decline the shower.

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

I agree that mom is technically fine etiquette wise with what she is doing. She is not required to cater to anyone's needs. However, I think she is being somewhat short sighted here. It would be very kind of her to take his family's religion into consideration so they could attend if you wanted them included. If I was in your position, it would be very important to me that they be able to be there, and I might just die on that hill. She doesn't have to deal with his family in the future, but you do. It would be beneficial to your relationship with them to extend them this courtesy. Yes, the hostess does decide what she does and doesn't want to do at her party, but we usually agree here that the bride can make reasonable requests, and that her future in-laws be able to attend is something I think is very reasonable. She can also decline the offer of a shower. Mom is being very gracious to throw the shower, but I think she would be even more gracious to show consideration to the in-laws too.

I just read this over and I'd swear my mom wrote this. But then, my mom went to great lengths to make sure my sister's disabled FMIL got to her shower, even picking her up and ensuring that she could meet all her medical needs while FMIL was with her. FMIL was thrilled to be there and had a ball. She wasn't required to do any of it, but she did because she felt like it was the right thing to do. So that's where my chain of thought comes from.

netskyblue2 · March 2014

I think her attitude could use an adjustment, but there's not much you can do about that. If FI's family had jobs that required them to work until evening, would she be so dismissive?

I know you can't possibly accommodate everyone all the time, but there's a courteous way to go about it, and I don't think she went that way.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

jdluvr06 said:

Your mother isn't in the wrong but I can't say she is right either. It is always off putting to me when a person says something along the lines of "it's their problem" in regards to a person's religious restrictions. Honestly, if it were me I would decline the shower.

I feel like her action is not wrong, but her attitude is. While she is not required to be welcoming to her new family, the in-laws will become family and it would be gracious of her to help you make that adjustment/transition as easily as possible.

I really hate the "it's your problem" attitude (except in specific circumstances). I feel like if she made an effort to be accommodating sometimes that would go a long way. I'm not saying plan everything around the in-laws, but the shower would be a wonderful thing to be accommodating about, since they clearly would like to be involved, and it would be a gesture of friendship and understanding. I really couldn't imagine my parents having that attitude, unless I told them the day of the shower (so it was too late to adjust).

religion and my mother

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