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NWR: Family Dinner, Vegetarian Dish Question

arkieladyarkielady member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi! Sometimes lurker here, with a somewhat random question SO and I can't agree on.

We are going to a dinner at SO's family's house tomorrow, on short notice as some extended family unexpectedly came to town. We recently became vegetarian (gave up meat for Lent) and SO hadn't mentioned it to his mother yet, but as it turns out dinner tomorrow is pork loin. My thought is that since it's such short notice and we have lots of veggie options here, we could just take a little veggie main dish with us and eat all of the sides and salads that everyone else is eating. I figure that way his mother doesn't feel like she needs to make anything special for us (SO mentioned the veggie-ism to her tonight). SO thinks that bringing something would be rude and we should just eat whatever available sides are vegetarian - which sounds like it will be rice and fruit. With a 4 hour drive both ways, I'm just not sure that would really hold us over until we could get home and eat something else.

What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

Thanks!
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Re: NWR: Family Dinner, Vegetarian Dish Question

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    daria24daria24 member
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    If it were my family, I would just call my mother up and say "hey, we gave up meat for Lent, so I'm going to bring veggie lasagna for us and of course, everyone to share." But my family is very informal and we all always bring food with us to family gatherings, no one would think anything of someone bringing another entree. 


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    APDSS22APDSS22 member
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    Well, it would definitely be okay to come up with a veggie snack to eat in the car to keep you both going like nuts or something else with lots of protein to tide you over.  I would think etiquette in this situation would be doing whatever will be least likely to offend your host.  Since he knows his mother better, perhaps he knows she would be offended by ya'll bringing something along.  Of course, you could phrase it to your SO that you just don't want to force his mother to cater to your choice to go vegetarian since it puts her on the spot.
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    phiraphira member
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    That's a long way to drive to have almost nothing to eat.

    I agree with @thefuturemrsrohlman22 that since your SO knows his mother pretty well, maybe she WOULD be offended if you brought something. But in this case, the situation is one where no one caused it by being rude or inconsiderate. It wasn't rude for you to wait this long to mention giving up meat for lent because you didn't realize that you would need to tell his mother you had given up meat for lent. It wasn't rude of her to not KNOW you'd given up meat for lent, and on such short notice (and probably with all the stress of family coming into town anyway), it's not rude for her to not make something specially for you.

    With all that in mind, @daria24's phrasing is really excellent and inoffensive. It makes it clear:

    1) You are taking responsibility for your decision to give up meat for lent.
    2) There will be more food for everyone to share.
    3) She doesn't have to cook more.

    If she is terribly offended, well ... I mean, you aren't doing anything wrong. And spending 2 hours in the car there AND back with nothing that you can really eat is really kind of silly, even if you DO eat snacks in the car. The whole point is to spend time with family and have a nice dinner, and what you'd be doing would be contributing to that positive experience.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    daria24 said:
    If it were my family, I would just call my mother up and say "hey, we gave up meat for Lent, so I'm going to bring veggie lasagna for us and of course, everyone to share." But my family is very informal and we all always bring food with us to family gatherings, no one would think anything of someone bringing another entree. 


    This would be us also.  Although DH talks to him mom every single day.  She would know already we gave up meat for lent.   My mom would know also. 

     Not that I think the OP's family should know.  I think we tend to over share with our parents compared to others around here.   We seem to talk all the time so the topic of what we gave up for Lent would have come up.  If it had not we have not problem sharing the information even if it was for a last minute dinner party.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    ErinableErinable member
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    I'm not sure if this is the "right" answer, but as a lifelong vegetarian, type 1 diabetic with food allergies, it's no one's business what anyone chooses to eat or not eat.

    It might be nice to let your host know if you're bringing vegetarian-friendly food to her party, but it's perfectly acceptable to fill up on sides. I've eaten side items as meals my entire life, and I've never gone hungry. (But I'm not sure how many sides will be offered and you might need to stop for/bring snacks with a 4-hour-drive regardless if you're eating meat or not). 
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    melbensomelbenso member
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    My FI has been a vegetarian for nearly 20 years, but is the only one in his family.  His mother remarried a few years ago and we've gone to Thanksgiving dinner at her step-son's family's house a few times.  We just bring a vegetarian main course for him (and anyone else who wants it).  It's never caused any problems.

    And having been with him for 5+ years, I can assure you, sides likely won't be enough, especially since they will likely be lacking protein.
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    abbyj700abbyj700 member
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    As a longtime vegetarian - I often volunteer to bring food to make sure I have something to eat. Make sure to have enough for everyone and that the family knows you are bringing something - other than that, you should be set. 
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    scribe95 said:
    I never go to any event without offering to bring a side dish etc. Call up and say "we're bringing X" but you don't have to make it about giving up meat for Lent. You are just being a polite guest.
    This is know your crowd thing.  I would HATE if someone brought a dish.  Actually, if I was TOLD someone was bringing a dish it would  piss me off royally (not that I would let the guest know).  I find it highly offensive. It's like saying I'm not a good enough host to provide for my guests.   I'm not kidding. Heck, we go out of our way to provide our guest's favorite beverage (alcoholic or otherwise) we give even more attention to any KNOWN dietary restrictions.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    carliealissacarliealissa member
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    So all she is serving is pork loin, rice, and fruit? Hmm.  Anyway, as a vegetarian I am used to sucking it up... and have spent many dinner parties, weddings etc. eating sides.  I think etiquette wise the best thing would be to just pass on the loin and eat the side dishes.  Stop and eat something afterward if you're not satisfied.  It's not their problem that you're suddenly (and temporarily?) vegetarian.

    With that said, it's his mother.. I also think it would probably be fine to let her know you'd like to bring a veg dish.  Definitely a "know your crowd".

     

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