divorcing couple ?

melbelleup · March 2014

So, I found out yesterday that my SIL wants a divorce from my brother. I've known SIL for 10+ years, because of the relationship (they've been married 5 yrs). She is suppose to be my MOH in the wedding. When she told me about the divorce, she told me that she'd completely understand if I don't want her to stand up there with me. I told her I'd have to think about it. They are just now talking about a divorce and still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed (which I find odd..) My brother doesn't want the divorce but his opinion doesn't matter to his wife. So now I have a few questions for you wonderful ladies...

I was thinking about having her in it because not only is she my SIL but she became my friend and helped me out with the transitions of high school (I went into 9th grade while she was a senior). I've seen her high school graduation, her college graduation, her baptism when she converted to Catholicism, I was there right after my nephew was born ect... I'm thinking though the only way I could have her in it is if my brother is 100% okay with it and if my parents are okay with it. Right now we're all rather hurt and upset.

She's the one hosting my bridal shower and she said she still plans to host it and she still loves me and she's happy I'm marrying my FI. Obviously if she really wanted to, she could bow out of it, but she's not.

So my questions:
1. How do I address the envelope for the invites if she's still living with my brother.... but they're divorcing?
2. What is the proper way to handle a divorce when it involves the wedding party?

Also, I was planning on inviting her mom and dad (divorced) to my wedding. They knew this already. Should I still send them an invite to it? I asked my mom this question and she told me that they'd still probably would want to come and see their grandson be in my wedding and celebrate with us.

Edited: grandparents = grandson aunt/uncle= nephew... I will learn relationships one day!

emmyg65 · March 2014

Personally, I'd still keep her in the wedding party, unless it would really hurt my brother. Give it some time to settle, and maybe talk to your brother if you can't get a feel for things. As for the invitation, I'd sens each of them their own invite.

lc07 · March 2014

I'm confused as to the exact relationship. You refer to him as your BIL in the beginning and your brother later on.

ETA: Is this your brother's wife or your husband's brother's wife?

ETA: I'm tired. You're not married yet. So it can't be your husband's brother's wife. I'm still confused.

melbelleup · March 2014

lc07 said:

I'm confused as to the exact relationship. You refer to him as your BIL in the beginning and your brother later on.

ETA: Is this your brother's wife or your husband's brother's wife?

ETA: I'm tired. You're not married yet. So it can't be your husband's brother's wife. I'm still confused.

whoops!! he's my brother lol

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Wow, that's a fun one.

Obviously, we usually tell people that kicking someone out of the wedding party is a friendship-ending move. But there are exceptions to every rule.

I don't think you can allow her to host your bridal shower and then ask her not to be a BM. I think it needs to be all or nothing -- otherwise, you risk looking like you liked her well enough to have her host a party for you, but not enough to have her stand up with you on your wedding day.

I do think you need to clear with your brother and parents whether they're OK with this and how they feel about it. This is a blow to all of you.

I don't think you should not invite her parents. Regardless of what she is or isn't to you, they are still your nephew's other set of grandparents, and they would probably enjoy seeing their grandson all dressed up. Also, don't punish them for her bad acts.

If everyone involved is still on speaking terms, I would lean toward keeping her in the wedding. You don't know how things might change between now and then -- they could reconcile, and you'd be sorry she wasn't in the wedding.

melbelleup · March 2014

Thanks. I just talked it over with my dad... we're all kind of in the same agreement to let her still be in it. It's not like my bother and her got into a fight and then wanting a divorce, she just pulled it out of no where. So, for now, she'll be in it. My dad said to just leave it addressed to Mr. and Mrs. _____ ______

lc07 · March 2014

It's absolutely a tough position to be in. I would speak with my brother about it if I were in your position because my brother comes first in MY life. That might not hold true for you. It's absolutely complicated because this woman is such a close friend of yours.

Every divorce is different. My hope is that they remain civil and friends. If they have not separated immediately, I think there's hope for that.

I would probably decline the bridal shower in case things go downhill, and let my friend know that my hope is that she and my brother for their own sake, too, are able to be amicable. Should either of them feel that it is too strained of a relationship to both be present at the wedding as time goes on, you'll have to deal with it when that time comes. Of course, I hope that you can maintain a friendship with her. It would be such a shame to lose it.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

That's awkward.... I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd probably just continue on as usual to avoid any hard feelings. Also, they need to get into marital counseling ASAP. Too many people hit a rough spot and just give up! Marriage is work! If he doesn't want a divorce and they're still under the same roof, all is not lost!

mbross3 · March 2014

Sounds like a complicated situation. I'm not entirely sure what I would do in that situation, but I'm leaning towards keeping her in the WP.

It sounds like you have become close to her over the years and that she's a friend as well as your SIL. She will remain a part of your life regardless of the outcome of her relationship with your brother. It sounds like they have a kid together, and so there's no way she'll be completely cut out of your life. If that's the case, it would seem like the best move is to try to keep things as civil as possible and not to kick her out of the WP. I would also still invite her parents.

I do think you should touch base with your brother and see how he feels, but I'm not really sure you need to check with your parents (unless they're paying for the wedding). I would say that your opinion and your brothers (and your FI's to a certain extent) are the important ones in this case.

I also think that it's important to keep in mind that it's unlikely that her asking for a divorce is just a spur of the moment or "out of the blue' decision. It's impossible to know all the ins and outs of another couple's relationship, regardless of how close you are with them. If this has taken your brother completely by surprise...that in and of itself is a red flag to me regarding their relationship.

Maybe they will opt for counseling or some other option- until the divorce is finalized, and certainly while they're still living together, I would not cut her out of family events

phira · March 2014

Here's my perspective as someone whose parents are divorced, and whose brother is currently going through a divorce:

- It's not unusual, especially when kids are involved, for two people who are splitting up to live in the same home and even sleep in the same bed until one person can move out. I've slept in a bed with someone I've had an entirely platonic relationship with, and when there are kids involved, sleeping in the same bed (instead of mommy or daddy sleeping in the guest room/on the couch/on an air mattress on the floor) can maintain some normalcy for a while.

- It's also not unusual for a divorce to feel like it came out of nowhere for the person who's not asking for the divorce. Your brother may be blindsided, but people don't just wake up and go, "I think I'll ask for a divorce today." This was out of nowhere for your family, but I'd hazard a guess that your sister-in-law has a lot of reasons why she wants a divorce, and may have been trying to stick it out, or avoid letting her beloved in-laws know about her doubts and feelings.

- My granduncle (grandmother's brother) was married for a while, and then divorced and remarried. I don't know if the following situation occurred to his chagrin or not, but my mom's family stayed close to his ex-wife, to the point where I grew up knowing about her as another aunt. It's entirely possible to maintain a relationship with an ex-family member, even if it's not terribly common.

- I actually give her MAJOR props for saying that she's not going to step down just because of the divorce, but that she would be okay if you wanted her to. She's recognizing that you're in a tough situation, and wants you to know that she's not going to abandon you and your wedding because of the divorce, but that she also will be okay if the divorce means that she can't come to the wedding (in your opinion).

My advice:

This JUST happened. When is your wedding? I'd really give things some time and see how things go with the divorce. In the meantime, maybe your mom can host the bridal shower so that there's no conflict with having your sister-in-law host it.

If there's time to see how things go, you might find that your brother and sister-in-law reconcile. Maybe they don't, and things get bitter, and it's not appropriate to invite her. Maybe they still split, but your brother lets you know that it's okay for you to have the people you love at your wedding. Maybe your feelings will change and you won't even feel comfortable having her attend. Lots of possibilities.

So in the meantime, while you're still not sure, I'd make arrangements so that your sister-in-law isn't pulling MOH-style duties, so that in the end, you aren't obligated to invite her just in case things change.

If they are still living together when invitations go out, but are not reconciled, send each of them an invitation to the same address. The assumption here is that 1) they'd still live together, so they'd know that the other person was invited, and 2) that your brother is not in the dark about your plans to invite your sister-in-law.

climbingsingle · March 2014

That really sucks. I'm sorry!

I'd keep her in the wedding unless your brother strongly objects. I'd still invite her parents too.

Jen4948 · March 2014

I'm very sorry.

I agree with the PPs-I'd leave things be, both with having her as a bridesmaid and inviting her parents, unless your brother has a major problem with it. But do speak to him and honor his feelings.

MrsMcCaw · March 2014

I would keep things as they are and still let her host the shower. She has a child with your brother so she will always be part of the family through him. My ex sister inlaw comes to our Christmas Eve open house every year with her daughters. It is possible to remain friends with an ex inlaw and it is the best situation for your nephew.
Best of luck!

abbyj700 · March 2014

@phira stated it all so well.

It sucks this situation is going on but hopefully you'll figure it out.

luckysnorkel · March 2014

phira said:

Here's my perspective as someone whose parents are divorced, and whose brother is currently going through a divorce:

- It's not unusual, especially when kids are involved, for two people who are splitting up to live in the same home and even sleep in the same bed until one person can move out. I've slept in a bed with someone I've had an entirely platonic relationship with, and when there are kids involved, sleeping in the same bed (instead of mommy or daddy sleeping in the guest room/on the couch/on an air mattress on the floor) can maintain some normalcy for a while.

- It's also not unusual for a divorce to feel like it came out of nowhere for the person who's not asking for the divorce. Your brother may be blindsided, but people don't just wake up and go, "I think I'll ask for a divorce today." This was out of nowhere for your family, but I'd hazard a guess that your sister-in-law has a lot of reasons why she wants a divorce, and may have been trying to stick it out, or avoid letting her beloved in-laws know about her doubts and feelings.

- My granduncle (grandmother's brother) was married for a while, and then divorced and remarried. I don't know if the following situation occurred to his chagrin or not, but my mom's family stayed close to his ex-wife, to the point where I grew up knowing about her as another aunt. It's entirely possible to maintain a relationship with an ex-family member, even if it's not terribly common.

- I actually give her MAJOR props for saying that she's not going to step down just because of the divorce, but that she would be okay if you wanted her to. She's recognizing that you're in a tough situation, and wants you to know that she's not going to abandon you and your wedding because of the divorce, but that she also will be okay if the divorce means that she can't come to the wedding (in your opinion).

My advice:

This JUST happened. When is your wedding? I'd really give things some time and see how things go with the divorce. In the meantime, maybe your mom can host the bridal shower so that there's no conflict with having your sister-in-law host it.

If there's time to see how things go, you might find that your brother and sister-in-law reconcile. Maybe they don't, and things get bitter, and it's not appropriate to invite her. Maybe they still split, but your brother lets you know that it's okay for you to have the people you love at your wedding. Maybe your feelings will change and you won't even feel comfortable having her attend. Lots of possibilities.

So in the meantime, while you're still not sure, I'd make arrangements so that your sister-in-law isn't pulling MOH-style duties, so that in the end, you aren't obligated to invite her just in case things change.

If they are still living together when invitations go out, but are not reconciled, send each of them an invitation to the same address. The assumption here is that 1) they'd still live together, so they'd know that the other person was invited, and 2) that your brother is not in the dark about your plans to invite your sister-in-law.

A big ol' yes to the bolded. My mom divorced her first husband, married my dad and had me, but stayed so close to her first husband's family that I consider them my family now too. So, OP, even though she's your soon-to-be-ex SIL, that doesn't necessarily mean you need to distance yourself from her.

melbelleup · March 2014

phira said:

Here's my perspective as someone whose parents are divorced, and whose brother is currently going through a divorce:

- It's not unusual, especially when kids are involved, for two people who are splitting up to live in the same home and even sleep in the same bed until one person can move out. I've slept in a bed with someone I've had an entirely platonic relationship with, and when there are kids involved, sleeping in the same bed (instead of mommy or daddy sleeping in the guest room/on the couch/on an air mattress on the floor) can maintain some normalcy for a while.

- It's also not unusual for a divorce to feel like it came out of nowhere for the person who's not asking for the divorce. Your brother may be blindsided, but people don't just wake up and go, "I think I'll ask for a divorce today." This was out of nowhere for your family, but I'd hazard a guess that your sister-in-law has a lot of reasons why she wants a divorce, and may have been trying to stick it out, or avoid letting her beloved in-laws know about her doubts and feelings.

- My granduncle (grandmother's brother) was married for a while, and then divorced and remarried. I don't know if the following situation occurred to his chagrin or not, but my mom's family stayed close to his ex-wife, to the point where I grew up knowing about her as another aunt. It's entirely possible to maintain a relationship with an ex-family member, even if it's not terribly common.

- I actually give her MAJOR props for saying that she's not going to step down just because of the divorce, but that she would be okay if you wanted her to. She's recognizing that you're in a tough situation, and wants you to know that she's not going to abandon you and your wedding because of the divorce, but that she also will be okay if the divorce means that she can't come to the wedding (in your opinion).

My advice:

This JUST happened. When is your wedding? I'd really give things some time and see how things go with the divorce. In the meantime, maybe your mom can host the bridal shower so that there's no conflict with having your sister-in-law host it.

If there's time to see how things go, you might find that your brother and sister-in-law reconcile. Maybe they don't, and things get bitter, and it's not appropriate to invite her. Maybe they still split, but your brother lets you know that it's okay for you to have the people you love at your wedding. Maybe your feelings will change and you won't even feel comfortable having her attend. Lots of possibilities.

So in the meantime, while you're still not sure, I'd make arrangements so that your sister-in-law isn't pulling MOH-style duties, so that in the end, you aren't obligated to invite her just in case things change.

If they are still living together when invitations go out, but are not reconciled, send each of them an invitation to the same address. The assumption here is that 1) they'd still live together, so they'd know that the other person was invited, and 2) that your brother is not in the dark about your plans to invite your sister-in-law.

@phira Thanks for the insight. You're completely right on letting it just play out, but my main issue right now is the fact I'm sending invites out soon... Her goal is to move out May 1st, why she picked that date no one knows, but it is what it is. I guess my issue is I'm just having so many emotions run through my head. Regardless, FI and I already decided she'd be invited to the wedding, whether she comes, is up to her, of course. I talked to my dad as well as my brother today and that helped a lot. My brother said he is perfectly fine with her being in my wedding and her being involved with it. He said that she still wants to stay close friends with me regardless of their relationship and I guess this is my issue. She is, with no doubt in my mind, my friend. But she's also hurting my brother...My dad basically said to just invite her, be friendly, be a friend, and to let her know I still love her even though this is going on. So in that aspect, as of now, unless something drastically changes before my wedding, she'll be my MOH still.

doeydo · March 2014

If you still like her and want to continue a relationship/friendship with her, then I would keep her in the bridal party and continue as normal. I don't agree with kicking her out of your wedding party for fear of 'hurting' or 'offending' your brother. Seriously, you've known this woman for over ten years and are friends, are you just supposed to drop her out of your life because she doesn't want to be with your brother anymore? Anyways, as for your question about how to address the invitations if they still live together but are divorcing, would they consider themselves to be a couple at the time? Or are they completely separated and in the middle of sorting out who gets what and one of them is looking for an apartment so they can move out?

melbelleup · March 2014

doeydo said:

If you still like her and want to continue a relationship/friendship with her, then I would keep her in the bridal party and continue as normal. I don't agree with kicking her out of your wedding party for fear of 'hurting' or 'offending' your brother. Seriously, you've known this woman for over ten years and are friends, are you just supposed to drop her out of your life because she doesn't want to be with your brother anymore? Anyways, as for your question about how to address the invitations if they still live together but are divorcing, would they consider themselves to be a couple at the time? Or are they completely separated and in the middle of sorting out who gets what and one of them is looking for an apartment so they can move out?

It's a little bit of both. I guess she's been looking at places to live for a while now. She has already said what she'd like and what he can keep as well. They haven't gone through with the paperwork or anything yet though. I guess this is my biggest worry. My dad said to just keep it Mrs and Mr. ______ _____ as if it hasn't happened yet since it hasn't. It's purely her telling him she wants one at this point. My invites will be going out in 2 or so weeks.

phira · March 2014

Yeah, that sounds really rough. With the invites going out soon, I would go ahead with the wedding as planned. It's VERY hard to reconcile loving a person when they've hurt someone you love, but it also sounds like you do care about her very much, not just as your sister-in-law, but as your dear friend, and this is a good way of maintaining your friendship.

melbelleup · March 2014

phira said:

Yeah, that sounds really rough. With the invites going out soon, I would go ahead with the wedding as planned. It's VERY hard to reconcile loving a person when they've hurt someone you love, but it also sounds like you do care about her very much, not just as your sister-in-law, but as your dear friend, and this is a good way of maintaining your friendship.

@phira That's my main issue. I guess I just don't know how I feel right now about her. We're all thinking she is having depression issues. My brother told me that she said she wants to really keep her friendship with me, which I feel the same but it will just be a different relationship I guess. Needless to say, I'm just a sitting duck at this point. I'm going to try and talk with her more this weekend and see how things are going in general for her.

SP29 · March 2014

If she is YOUR friend, and she and brother are on speaking terms, I would keep her in the wedding party. You chose her because she is near and dear to you. I get that she is obviously causing your brother hurt and that bothers you, but if she were married to someone else going through a divorce, as her friend I am sure you would be there supporting her, right? Unless she is doing something terrible to your brother (doesn't sound like she is, it may not be the ideal situation but it sounds like the two are handling things like mature adults), she is not *wrong*. Her reasons for divorce are her own.

Their current arrangement is also familiar to me as well. My parents had a similar situation- there is me and two young brothers. My parents lived in the same house, shared the same bed until my mom found a place to live. Though many years have gone by and my parents are each seeing other people, they still get along (actually, my parents get along very well when they aren't together), help each other out if needed. My mom doesn't have a lot of family left, so she is still in contact with my dad's parents and is often included in family gatherings.

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