Inviting Brother's Ex-Girlfriend

ab6704a · March 2014

Hi ladies, the answer to this might be super obvious but I am probably over thinking it trying to avoid hurting anybody's feelings. My brother told me that his girlfriend of 3 years ended their relationship last night. He said it was amicable (as amicable as a break up can be) and driven by the fact that she badly wants children and he does not so she sees no future with him. I'm so sad for him and disappointed myself because I really liked her and thought she was great for my brother and would be a wonderful addition to the family. Althought it's always possible, I see very little chance they will get back together.

That being said, she's already been invited to my shower and I'm trying to figure out what to do about the wedding invitations now because they will likely be going out in 2 weeks. Traditional etiquette says that anybody invited to the shower should also be an invited wedding guest. If she declines the shower invitiation now because of the situation with my brother, should I still invite her to the wedding because she received an invitation to the shower? Or is her declining the shower an indication in this situation that she does not want to participate in the wedding or pre-wedding events? What if she doesn't decline the shower invite?

We're having a small family wedding so I imagine she would decline the wedding invitation even if she came to the shower, but would it be odd or insulting to send her an invite to a small family wedding given that she's just ended the relationship with my brother? I don't want to rub any salt in the wound.

Again, I'm probably overthinking it but I don't want to hurt my brother's feelings or her feelings, so I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to handle the situation.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Etiquette does say that anyone invited to any pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding.

You're right that she's probably going to decline to attend a small, family-only, wedding.

When is your shower, and when is the RSVP deadline for it? Will she have time to decline prior to you sending out wedding invites?

I would err on the side of inviting her; she will likely decline, but the break-up was amicable, so you don't have to worry about drama, and you never know what could happen in the future.

RebeccaFlower · March 2014

I'm with Friday. You need to invite her so you don't end up being the rude one, but I would assume she will decline or she'll be mature about the situation.

ab6704a · March 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 - I'm actually not sure when the RSVP date is for the shower (shower is April 27) because my friends and mom are insisting it be a "surprise" (that's a whole other mess) and I not know any details at all except the date. But I do plan to try to get one of my friends to let me know if she RSVPs so I could factor that it.

I think you and RebeccaFlower are right though and I should just send the invite and let her make the decision to decline it.

ZiggyZos · March 2014

The other question I would ask is this: was she going to be invited individually? Or as a guest of your brother?

If it is the latter - and if you don't have a relationship with her outside of her relationship with your brother - then you may be able to get away with not inviting her.

However, I would still err on the side of caution and send an invite. Odds are she will decline. Even the most amicable of breakups, it can be awkward to deal with family situations so soon afterwards (especially somewhere that generally has aunts and uncles poking and asking "when is it YOUR turn?")...

phira · March 2014

Since your shower is all SURPRISEEEEE I'd talk to your mom and let her know that you're anxious about the situation. Surprises are great, but not when you're dealing with break-ups between guests.

I'd also maybe talk to your brother and his now-ex (separately). She might not feel comfortable coming to the wedding at all, and you have nothing to worry about.

Also, entirely an aside: I'm really sorry. It can be hard when a couple breaks up, even when it's amicable and for good reasons (sometimes ESPECIALLY when it's for good reasons).

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

Here's what I'd do: invite her to both. That way, if she still wants to attend the shower because of her friendship with you, then she can. And she's free to decline the wedding invitation under the circumstances, but everything would still be proper because she's still invited to the wedding.

ab6704a · March 2014

phira said:

Since your shower is all SURPRISEEEEE I'd talk to your mom and let her know that you're anxious about the situation. Surprises are great, but not when you're dealing with break-ups between guests.

@Phira - This cracked me up. My mom is the cause of pretty much any and all drama related to my wedding. At this point I could write a dissertation about why wedding surprise parties (while usually well intentioned) are not alwways a good idea. One of my girlfriends will help me out though. They are much more reasonable.

I didn't know my brother's ex (I hate calling her that!) before he started dating her, but they've been together 3 years now and we spend a lot of time together so I'd come to think of her like family. Knowing her personality, I don't think she'll be comfortable remaining friends on anything more than a casual facebook acquaintance kind of way so it's sad for me too that I've essentially lost a friend.

I think I've decided I'm going to set aside an addressed invitation for her but I do want to talk to her in person first if I can. We have been friends so I think it might actually be less awkward if we just have the conversation.

phira · March 2014

@ab6704a Yeah, my ex-sister-in-law and I were closer than I am to my brother, and so it was upsetting when he told us they were getting a divorce. Fortunately, the divorce occurred well in advance of our wedding (before we'd even announced our engagement). It it were closer to our wedding, I'd have talked to my ex-SIL about whether or not she still wanted to be invited.

SP29 · March 2014

I'd send the invite and let her make the decision to decline.

Inviting Brother's Ex-Girlfriend

Re: Inviting Brother's Ex-Girlfriend

Choose Another Board

Search Boards