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Drawing the line with kids

AliLovesJDAliLovesJD member
10 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
About 90% of our guests would be coming from out of state for our wedding. We are trying to keep our guest list under 100.

My fiance has honorary nieces and nephews whom he is very close to from his time in service. They aren't blood, but my fiance calls these men his brothers. Their kids call him Uncle.  We also have a few first cousins who are under the age of 18. All of these kids we want at our wedding. We have a very close relationship with them.

Our older first cousins have kids that are under 18 too. This would make them our second cousins. We talked about inviting second cousins and decided against it since we would rather have those seats for more adult friends. The number of second cousins came out to about 10.

I want to follow a guideline so that nobody's feelings get hurt and I don't breach etiquette. I was told if I have a rule as to which kids can come, then I am fine as long as I don't break it. We don't want kids in the wedding party so that option is out.

So I was thinking it would simply be: Only first cousins and kids who are our nieces and nephews.

Does this breach any etiquette?
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Re: Drawing the line with kids

  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    are you planning on putting this on your invites if so its very tacky just send the invites out to those who are inviited

    if you have cousins with children send the invites to mr and mrs john smith only that will set the tone as to whos invited

    if you get invites back for more than who was listed on the invitation then call them up and tell them i am sorry but it was just for you and your wife/husband

    i have cousins with children under the age of 6  my brother only invited the cousins to the wedding and not the children and we are doing the same.



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  • ab6704aab6704a member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    It sounds like you're inviting in pretty clear circles which, from my understanding, is ok from an etiquette persepctive.

    Just keep in mind that if you have OOT guests coming who are not allowed to bring their kids there may be a greater chance they'll decline.  It's just something to consider.

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AliLovesJD said:
    About 90% of our guests would be coming from out of state for our wedding. We are trying to keep our guest list under 100.

    My fiance has honorary nieces and nephews whom he is very close to from his time in service. They aren't blood, but my fiance calls these men his brothers. Their kids call him Uncle.  We also have a few first cousins who are under the age of 18. All of these kids we want at our wedding. We have a very close relationship with them.

    Our older first cousins have kids that are under 18 too. This would make them our second cousins. We talked about inviting second cousins and decided against it since we would rather have those seats for more adult friends. The number of second cousins came out to about 10.

    I want to follow a guideline so that nobody's feelings get hurt and I don't breach etiquette. I was told if I have a rule as to which kids can come, then I am fine as long as I don't break it. We don't want kids in the wedding party so that option is out.

    So I was thinking it would simply be: Only first cousins and kids who are our nieces and nephews.

    Does this breach any etiquette?
    You have clear circles of children, so you are fine.  As PP said, don't mention anywhere which children are invited to the wedding, just properly address the invites.

    I would be prepared for some potential hurt feelings from the parents of your 2nd cousins, since you are inviting some kids who technically aren't blood related.  I understand the reason those kids are invited, but some of your family may not.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Its best to invite in circles, which it looks like you are doing. Just be prepared for Cousin Suzy to call you and say that she heard Lil First cousin is invited so why isnt her kid.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I need a bit more information here as it is a delicate situation. How many nieces and nephews (and ages) vs second cousins (and ages)?

    I am a big believer in the fact that you can invite some children and not others. However, this does cause hurt feelings in some cases. And because these people are "honorary" nieces and nephews (not judging the relationship at all, but just thinking from your cousin's perspective) the cousin's may be hurt. 

    Another factor is the fact that this is an OOT wedding, which can further complicate it.  If the second  cousins are all, say 14+ and honorary nieces and nephews baby-7, I think that is a bit more understandable. If they are all around the same age, it could be tough. 

    One solution could be to make the nieces and nephews flower girls and pages (depending on how many). Often WP children are seen as a pass to adult only weddings. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    I think you're fine with those circles, ditto PPs saying to expect some declines from out of state family that can't bring kids, and definitely don't print it on the invitation that their kids aren't allowed. I just wanted to point out though that those are technically your "first cousins once removed," not your second cousins. Your children and your cousin's children would be second cousins of each other, but you are "removed" from them by one generation. I'm a stickler for semantics. :)
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It sounds like you're inviting children in clear-cut circles, which is fine.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @PrettyGirlLost Please come explain that to my partner because he keeps calling my godmother my second cousin when she's my first cousin once removed (if she had kids, THEY would be my second cousins).

    Anyway, OP, you sound like you're doing fine. As people have mentioned, don't put it on the invitations--just be sure to address the invitations only to the people you're inviting.

    Be prepared that some people will be upset and not attend, either out of principle OR because logistically, they can't come to the wedding easily without their kids. Be gracious about it and don't hold grudges.
    Anniversary
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    phira said:
    @PrettyGirlLost Please come explain that to my partner because he keeps calling my godmother my second cousin when she's my first cousin once removed (if she had kids, THEY would be my second cousins).

    Anyway, OP, you sound like you're doing fine. As people have mentioned, don't put it on the invitations--just be sure to address the invitations only to the people you're inviting.

    Be prepared that some people will be upset and not attend, either out of principle OR because logistically, they can't come to the wedding easily without their kids. Be gracious about it and don't hold grudges.
    I will, but only if the current temp where you are is higher than the current temp where I am. . . I really, really, need it to be Spring already, FFS!!!!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @PrettyGirlLost DARN. It's still frickin freezing here.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    phira said:
    @PrettyGirlLost DARN. It's still frickin freezing here.
    Aw nuts!  Keep fighting the good fight, lol.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    I would invite who you want. But I don't really think these are clear circles because while he considers those kids his nieces and nephews they technically aren't so imagine someone will be annoyed and rude and mention it. 
    Who cares if they aren't really his nieces and nephews! The groom would like these children invited, so that is that. If cousin Sally is mad that her precious snowflake isn't invited, well that's too bad.

    OP, as long as you are OK with some of these out of town people not being able to come if their children aren't invited, you are fine. As long as you don't split up immediate families (inviting little Suzie but not her brother Jimmy), you can invite any children you would like.

    Anyone who questions who is or is not invited is being rude.
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  • AliLovesJDAliLovesJD member
    10 Comments
    His military family's kids (nieces and nephews) which are 14,12,7,5,4,2,1.

    Our first cousins are all over the age of 13.

    The once removed cousins are: 11,6,4,3 on my side. My fiance's side we aren't sure of the ages but there are about 6-8 other children.

    I know that some people may not come. That's okay. It's both of our second wedding and we are paying for it our selves. That's NOT the reason I am trying to draw a line with which kids to invite. If we invite all these kids our guest list with be at least 1/4 children if they do come. We want to be able to invite more adult friends.

    Thanks everyone!!!
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AliLovesJD said:
    His military family's kids (nieces and nephews) which are 14,12,7,5,4,2,1.

    Our first cousins are all over the age of 13.

    The once removed cousins are: 11,6,4,3 on my side. My fiance's side we aren't sure of the ages but there are about 6-8 other children.

    I know that some people may not come. That's okay. It's both of our second wedding and we are paying for it our selves. That's NOT the reason I am trying to draw a line with which kids to invite. If we invite all these kids our guest list with be at least 1/4 children if they do come. We want to be able to invite more adult friends.

    Thanks everyone!!!
    It sounds like you are fine dealing with the situation (and potentially awkward phone calls) so continue as you planned. Children do not need to be invited everywhere their parents are! Although, as PP said, no not write anywhere on the invitation who isn't invited, just list on the envelope exactly who is invited.
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