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Customs and Traditions

Wedding location drama! Am I out of line??

epufallepufall member
First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
edited September 2013 in Customs and Traditions
I have been getting a lot of heat from my mother about my wedding location and need some help understanding if I am out of line. My fiance and I currently live in Kansas City. I'm from Omaha and he's from Orlando. Personally, I've always loved Orlando and think getting married there would be incredibly fun. I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from my mom. She says that I am picking Orlando because my fiance wants it in his hometown and I am choosing his family over mine. She says there are a lot of people in Omaha that will be offended/won't be able to make it if the wedding is so far away, and that by choosing a wedding in Orlando I am cutting her out of most of the planning.

Financially, my fiance and I (both of our parents are divorced) are planning to ask each of our parents how much they would like to and be comfortable contributing to our wedding fund and then funding the rest ourselves. And on top of that, all of our friends, college friends, and relatives that we would want to invite to the wedding are spread out all over the eastern side of the country (my mom's family is in Baltimore!) so no matter where we have our wedding, most of the wedding guests will be traveling several states regardless.

My question is, am I out of line or in bad taste for choosing to have a wedding in Orlando, which happens to be my fiance's hometown?

Re: Wedding location drama! Am I out of line??

  • epufallepufall member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2013
    Most of them have already mentioned wanting to contribute something though. How can I land on a budget otherwise?
  • epufall said:
    Most of them have already mentioned wanting to contribute something though. How can I land on a budget otherwise?


    The minute you let them pay, they have a say in your wedding plans.

    Plan what you and FI can afford in the location you want, and don't expect money from you parents.

    doeydoMairePoppyCheleLyn
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    epufall said:
    I have been getting a lot of heat from my mother about my wedding location and need some help understanding if I am out of line. My fiance and I currently live in Kansas City. I'm from Omaha and he's from Orlando. Personally, I've always loved Orlando and think getting married there would be incredibly fun. I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from my mom. She says that I am picking Orlando because my fiance wants it in his hometown and I am choosing his family over mine. She says there are a lot of people in Omaha that will be offended/won't be able to make it if the wedding is so far away, and that by choosing a wedding in Orlando I am cutting her out of most of the planning.

    Financially, my fiance and I (both of our parents are divorced) are planning to ask each of our parents how much they would like to and be comfortable contributing to our wedding fund and then funding the rest ourselves. And on top of that, all of our friends, college friends, and relatives that we would want to invite to the wedding are spread out all over the eastern side of the country (my mom's family is in Baltimore!) so no matter where we have our wedding, most of the wedding guests will be traveling several states regardless.

    My question is, am I out of line or in bad taste for choosing to have a wedding in Orlando, which happens to be my fiance's hometown?

    It is neither out of line nor in bad taste to have a wedding anywhere. What IS out of line or in bad taste, is either asking for money or accepting money and then ignoring the wishes of your mom. Money comes with strings. The more she gives you, the more you will have to honor her wishes. You and FI have to come to terms with her.
    doeydoMairePoppyscmurphy2010
  • epufallepufall member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2013
    Thanks for the advice! You are both right about the expectations that come with accepting financial help.

    So money aside - the other big part of the question I am asking is: I know it is traditional/usual for the wedding to be in the bride's hometown or where the couple currently resides, but is there anything wrong/in bad taste with wanting to have the wedding in Orlando, which also happens to be my FH's hometown?

    Thanks in advance!
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's fine to have it in the groom's hometown or anywhere.  You will probably find that Orlando is going to be more expensive than Omaha or Kansas City.  

    Depending on how much you and your FI have available, this may be something to consider.  Based on how your mother is acting, it's unlikely that she's going to offer any funds if you decide to go ahead with Orlando.  
    epufall
  • edited September 2013
    I say do it where you and your fiancé want it. It's your day not your mothers. Plus if your parents contribute that's their choice and in my eyes that doesn't give them more rights to making the decisions in your wedding. If your able try to come up with a budget you know you and your fiancé can handle and if your parents contribute then that's just an added bonus. I'm not saying push your mom out but don't let her push you around either. Also I wanted to let you know I live in Florida not in Orlando but just like anywhere else there are affordable options for any budget. Your mom may be upset yes but at the end of the day your her daughter and how could she expect you to give up on something that is important to you. I say just talk to her some more and try to show her how much you really want this and any mom should understand. Plus she can still be involved because you're still going to have to make most of your decisions from home.
  • We had our wedding in the groom's hometown. I don't think anyone thought twice about it.
  • If your able try to come up with a budget you know you and your fiancé can handle and if your parents contribute then that's just an added bonus. I'm not saying push your mom out but don't let her push you around either. Also I wanted to let you know I live in Florida not in Orlando but just like anywhere else there are affordable options for any budget.

    That's a really good point about the budget! And thanks for the info about Orlando. I will be sure to do lots of research on affordable options!
  • I think it'd be cheaper to travel to Orlando than to Omaha or Kansas City. Orlando is a popular travel destination and cheap flights in and out are pretty abundant.

  • epufall said:
    I have been getting a lot of heat from my mother about my wedding location and need some help understanding if I am out of line. My fiance and I currently live in Kansas City. I'm from Omaha and he's from Orlando. Personally, I've always loved Orlando and think getting married there would be incredibly fun. I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from my mom. She says that I am picking Orlando because my fiance wants it in his hometown and I am choosing his family over mine. She says there are a lot of people in Omaha that will be offended/won't be able to make it if the wedding is so far away, and that by choosing a wedding in Orlando I am cutting her out of most of the planning. Your mom sounds manipulative. Putting this on you and telling you you're choosing sides reminds me of grade school.

    Financially, my fiance and I (both of our parents are divorced) are planning to ask each of our parents how much they would like to and be comfortable contributing to our wedding fund and then funding the rest ourselves. Asking for money is rude. No one is responsible for paying for your wedding except you. Plan to fund your wedding yourselves. If other people pay, they get a say in your wedding - in your situation sounds like that will complicate things. And on top of that, all of our friends, college friends, and relatives that we would want to invite to the wedding are spread out all over the eastern side of the country (my mom's family is in Baltimore!) so no matter where we have our wedding, most of the wedding guests will be traveling several states regardless.

    My question is, am I out of line or in bad taste for choosing to have a wedding in Orlando, which happens to be my fiance's hometown? No.
    Pay for your wedding yourselves and have it wherever you want. It sounds to me like your mom is manipulative and trying to guilt you into having your wedding in a place that's a) convenient for her and b) where she can be involved in planning. That'd be a big fat "no" in my book.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • epufallepufall member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2013

    Good point about airfare!

    And all good points about budgeting. Thanks everyone! I am very excited to start planning in Orlando wedding, and doing it on a budget that my fiancé and I can afford sounds like the least stressful way to do it. Anything else our families offer will just be that much less we spend :-)

  • If you can afford to pay for it on your own to do it in Orlando, then do it there.  It isn't rude to choose to have a wedding somewhere where your entire family wouldn't necessarily be able to come.  If that were the case then destination weddings would be a huge no-no.  

    If your mom does give you money, then like the others said, you are going to have to consider her wishes.  

    And no, don't ask either parents for money. If they offer, terrific. Otherwise, base your budget on what you can afford. 
  • My impression is that mom is worried about not being included and a part of helping you plan your big day which is something she's probably dreamt of. Chances are you are going to get your dress where you live, so she won't be there for that special moment. Just talk to her about your plans, keeping her in the loop and listening to her opinions (doesn't mean you have to do what she says, but listen) will probably go a long way with her. Email or text her photos of things like when you need another opionion like "I can't decide between this center piece or this one, what is your vote?"  Little things like that will probably go a long way with your relationship with her. Good luck!!

  • I second that you should try to include her in the planning as much as you can if you think that is her issue. That is easily done at a distance. My mom lives nearby but apart from dress shopping we haven't gotten together to do anything with the planning.  I ask her advice over the phone, and have text and emailed her pics of things.  She feels totally involved the way she wants to be, without  actually being burdened to do things or us having to rearrange our schedules to make appointments together.
  • The more I read these the boards the more I realize that I have a fantasic family and in-laws.  For some background I live about 4 hours away from just about everyone in both my FI's family and mine and we are planning on getting married where we live.  My mother has graciously offered to pay for most of the wedding and she is not demanding much say at all. 

    But she is saddened that her only girl is getting married far away from her.  It sounds like your mom could be feeling that way too.  If she is manipulative then you would know better than us and I would certainly avoid her and her money.  But if she is more concerned about missing out on her little girls wedding planning you can try to include her when possible.  I know I went dress shopping with my mother (and FMIL) to help them feel more involved.  Since my mother has both expressed interest in my plans and is funding it I am working with her on decisions when possible and it has helped us to grow a bit closer.

    Obviously your best course of action depends on your relaionship with your mom.  If she is being mean and/or manipulative I would decline any financial help and keep all wedding talk to a minimum.  If she is acting out becuase she feels left behind (and from what you've posted in an immature way) just sit down and talk to her about it.  See if you can plan a few wedding things with her so she can feel more involved.  But most of all smile and be happy, you're getting married!

  • So, I logged in tonight looking for advice on my situation...which is almost the same as yours.

    I grew up between California and Arizona, and I now live in Colorado. My fiance lives here too, as well as some of his family. Of course, we both have friends here and other locations.

    My fiance and I both went to ASU, and so we have a substantial number of guests in Arizona. My mom and dad live there (they are divorced) as does my sister and some of my mom's family. My fiance's brother and his family live there as well. We have family and friends in California, and other states around the country.

    Here is where the issue begins...my fiance and I decided that we want to have a wedding here, in Colorado where we live. My mom has yet to show any enthusiasm about the wedding, and went so far as to express her opinions, loudly, and then quit talking to me for a week. I had let her know that this was a tough decision, but ultimately, I needed to do what was right for us...which led to her telling me that I am inconsiderate and inconveniencing every one else. And that she "would be cut out of all the planning." I told her I was happy to come out there for some things, have her come up here for some things like expos, venue hunting and dress shopping. I also made appointments to try on dresses while I am in Arizona for other events. I just attended an expo there, and paid for my great-grandmother, grandmother, sister and my mom to attend. I also went to dinner with my mom and her boyfriend, along with their best friends who are like my second parents. As soon as my "second mom" sat down at the table she and my mom jumped on me and repeated the same messages...along with "You are limiting your gifts - no one will come or be able to give you a gift if they have to travel." I told them I wasn't doing this for the gifts, and that the people who were important would be there - in fact, they are the only ones that have given us a hard time. My mom told her best friend, in front of me, that it "breaks her freaking heart" that I have made this decision. The examples go on and on - including tell me that my ring was "ginormous" and just too much and that my fiance should not have spent whatever he spent on it.

    At this point, I'm upset, hurt, frustrated and anxious about the whole thing. I'm ready to throw in the towel and just give in...or elope. What can I be doing something differently? Am I blinded by what I want, and missing something? Outside perspective would be greatly appreciated.
  • Tradition:  The bride is married from her hometown.(Omaha or Kansas City)
    New choice:  the bride and groom choose a destination and they are married there.  Destination wedding are very new.  They are popular with couples, but very unpopular with families and guests who have to travel to attend.  It is expensive and inconvenient for guests, and this is why there are often more declines for destination weddings.
    It is your choice to be married wherever you wish, but you need to understand that some people will not be able to attend. You are not allowed to complain about this if you have chosen a far destination.  If you accept money from your mother, she gets some say in your plans.  You cannot eat your cake and have it, too.
    Never ask anyone for money for your wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    Tradition:  The bride is married from her hometown.(Omaha or Kansas City)
    New choice:  the bride and groom choose a destination and they are married there.  Destination wedding are very new.  They are popular with couples, but very unpopular with families and guests who have to travel to attend.  It is expensive and inconvenient for guests, and this is why there are often more declines for destination weddings.
    It is your choice to be married wherever you wish, but you need to understand that some people will not be able to attend. You are not allowed to complain about this if you have chosen a far destination.  If you accept money from your mother, she gets some say in your plans.  You cannot eat your cake and have it, too.
    Never ask anyone for money for your wedding.
    But this is not really a destination wedding for her--it's where she lives.  It may be inconvenient for some guests, in which case they can choose to decline the invitation.  No one has the "right" to have their friends' or family members' wedding close to them for their convenience or inclusion in planning.
    kmmssgzitiqueen
  • CMGragain said:
    Tradition:  The bride is married from her hometown.(Omaha or Kansas City)
    New choice:  the bride and groom choose a destination and they are married there.  Destination wedding are very new.  They are popular with couples, but very unpopular with families and guests who have to travel to attend.  It is expensive and inconvenient for guests, and this is why there are often more declines for destination weddings.
    It is your choice to be married wherever you wish, but you need to understand that some people will not be able to attend. You are not allowed to complain about this if you have chosen a far destination.  If you accept money from your mother, she gets some say in your plans.  You cannot eat your cake and have it, too.
    Never ask anyone for money for your wedding.
    But this is not really a destination wedding for her--it's where she lives.  It may be inconvenient for some guests, in which case they can choose to decline the invitation.  No one has the "right" to have their friends' or family members' wedding close to them for their convenience or inclusion in planning.
    Re-read the OP.  She does NOT live in Orlando.  It just happens to be her FI's hometown.
    I agree that a couple can decide to be married wherever they wish, but there are consequences for choosing a destination wedding.   Mom may not like it, but if she is contributing money for the wedding, she does have some say.  The solution to OP's dilema is to either refuse Mom's money and get married in Florida, or to be married locally, which will be more convenient for the bride's family, but inconvenient for the groom's side..
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • If you see a low attendance from your hometown what's the harm in doing a party when you are there next?  Perhaps a family cookout or something where you can see everyone after the wedding could be arranged.  Have some wedding photos available if people ask to see them.
  • I'm in a similar situation, although thankfully our hometowns are only about 5 hours away from each other. My mom STILL had a fit about me not wanting to have the wedding in my hometown (where she and my dad live). It didn't matter that I moved to his hometown 4 years ago, go to school here, met my fiance here, we both work here, and I simply didn't want to have to plan a wedding 5 hours away from where I was. She threw a fit anyway, but eventually backed down when I pointed out that all of our family (both his and mine) were going to have to travel no matter what. The only people that won't have to travel are my fiance's parents.

    I say get married where you want, stick to your guns, and make sure your wedding day is what's going to make you happiest!
    CMGragainCrazyCatLady3
  • CMGragain said:
    CMGragain said:
    Tradition:  The bride is married from her hometown.(Omaha or Kansas City)
    New choice:  the bride and groom choose a destination and they are married there.  Destination wedding are very new.  They are popular with couples, but very unpopular with families and guests who have to travel to attend.  It is expensive and inconvenient for guests, and this is why there are often more declines for destination weddings.
    It is your choice to be married wherever you wish, but you need to understand that some people will not be able to attend. You are not allowed to complain about this if you have chosen a far destination.  If you accept money from your mother, she gets some say in your plans.  You cannot eat your cake and have it, too.
    Never ask anyone for money for your wedding.
    But this is not really a destination wedding for her--it's where she lives.  It may be inconvenient for some guests, in which case they can choose to decline the invitation.  No one has the "right" to have their friends' or family members' wedding close to them for their convenience or inclusion in planning.
    Re-read the OP.  She does NOT live in Orlando.  It just happens to be her FI's hometown.
    I agree that a couple can decide to be married wherever they wish, but there are consequences for choosing a destination wedding.   Mom may not like it, but if she is contributing money for the wedding, she does have some say.  The solution to OP's dilema is to either refuse Mom's money and get married in Florida, or to be married locally, which will be more convenient for the bride's family, but inconvenient for the groom's side..
    I was talking about the new poster who posted right above you, not OP.
  • abi514 said:
    I'm in a similar situation, although thankfully our hometowns are only about 5 hours away from each other. My mom STILL had a fit about me not wanting to have the wedding in my hometown (where she and my dad live). It didn't matter that I moved to his hometown 4 years ago, go to school here, met my fiance here, we both work here, and I simply didn't want to have to plan a wedding 5 hours away from where I was. She threw a fit anyway, but eventually backed down when I pointed out that all of our family (both his and mine) were going to have to travel no matter what. The only people that won't have to travel are my fiance's parents.

    I say get married where you want, stick to your guns, and make sure your wedding day is what's going to make you happiest!
    That sucks.  So you were supposed to have a wedding where it would be convenient for your mom to plan but you, as the bride, would have to travel 5 hours to visit venues, meet vendors, etc?  I am sensing a general theme of mothers feeling entitled to be involved in wedding planning (whether they are paying or not).  I had the same problem with my mom (not involving geographic locations, but other things).
  • abi514 said:
    I'm in a similar situation, although thankfully our hometowns are only about 5 hours away from each other. My mom STILL had a fit about me not wanting to have the wedding in my hometown (where she and my dad live). It didn't matter that I moved to his hometown 4 years ago, go to school here, met my fiance here, we both work here, and I simply didn't want to have to plan a wedding 5 hours away from where I was. She threw a fit anyway, but eventually backed down when I pointed out that all of our family (both his and mine) were going to have to travel no matter what. The only people that won't have to travel are my fiance's parents.

    I say get married where you want, stick to your guns, and make sure your wedding day is what's going to make you happiest!
    That sucks.  So you were supposed to have a wedding where it would be convenient for your mom to plan but you, as the bride, would have to travel 5 hours to visit venues, meet vendors, etc?  I am sensing a general theme of mothers feeling entitled to be involved in wedding planning (whether they are paying or not).  I had the same problem with my mom (not involving geographic locations, but other things).
    I agree. I've seen this a lot with mothers on here. Luckily my mom understands me planning our wedding in the city he grew up in and the city I've lived in for 10 years. Yes - it means she is less involved BUT I'm very purposefully going above and beyond to make her involved form afar. She got texts of my dress, got the wedding website before everyone else, is coming into town to see the venue, taste food for the rehearsal dinner and help with some planning stuff mid spring. More mom's should take a page from my mom's book. :-) <3
  • CMGragain said:
    Tradition:  The bride is married from her hometown.(Omaha or Kansas City)
    New choice:  the bride and groom choose a destination and they are married there.  Destination wedding are very new.  They are popular with couples, but very unpopular with families and guests who have to travel to attend.  It is expensive and inconvenient for guests, and this is why there are often more declines for destination weddings.
    It is your choice to be married wherever you wish, but you need to understand that some people will not be able to attend. You are not allowed to complain about this if you have chosen a far destination.  If you accept money from your mother, she gets some say in your plans.  You cannot eat your cake and have it, too.
    Never ask anyone for money for your wedding.
    OK, but today, people's social nets are cast much wider.  We are getting married in our hometown and it will still be a "destination wedding" for the majority of our guests in the sense that they will have to fly in from all over the country.  Even friends that are from the same hometown, don't live there now that they are grown.  On the other side, we haven't been to many local weddings.  Just last year, FI and I attended weddings in Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, Los Angeles, and the Grand Canyon.  There was one in Miami we had to miss.  Expensive, yes.  But unpopular?? The further weddings were definitely more fun, basically vacations.  I wouldn't have gotten to experience Vegas or the Grand Canyon for the first time if my friends hadn't chosen to get married there!  But I digress.  All I meant to say is that isn't there always travel involved, no matter where you have the wedding?

     

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