Wedding Etiquette Forum

How would you etiquette pros handle this?

Hi Ladies,

I am in need of your awesome advice again! I seem to be having a little MOH...situation.

So here is the backstory....

When FI and I got engaged, I knew instantly that I wanted my two best friends to be co-MOHs. We confirmed with all VIPS a good date that would work for them and settled on Oct. 18, 2014.

Once I had my BMs selected and confirmed, I got budgets from everyone ($250). We picked out a dress that everyone loved in the store and looked fabulous on everyone's body types. The dress came in at $150. Bonus!

Fast forward to about a month ago. One of my MOHs (we'll call her "K" for this), loses her job. I have been trying to be there for her through this, but she is always up in the mountains taking ski weekends which I am not quite sure how she is affording them...my other MOH and I have been having our weekly girls nights without K. K isn't interested in girls nights now she says. I have tried talking to her about this, but she blows me off.

So I get a text from K yesterday saying that she doesn't think she can afford her dress now because she doesn't have a job. I immedietly tried calling and was forwarded to VM. So I sent a text and said, "K, I completely understand! I couldn't imagine not having you in my wedding over a stupid dress. How about this, you let me buy your dress for you as a gift, but in exchange, you have to help me with makeup ideas. You are so much better at makeup than me!" She never responded...nothing. Until just now. She texts me and says she doesn't know and that the dress is way over her budget and it doesn't even look good on her. I respond that she looks fantastic in the dress (which she does!) and that she doesn't need to worry about the money (which she doesn't). She then says that she doesn't even know if she will be free on Oct. 18th...wth?

I am so confused. Do you think she misinterpreted my text? K is one of my bffs and I can't imagine not having her at my wedding. It just seems I am being met with excuse after excuse. Any suggestions on what to do next?

Daisypath Anniversary tickers

Re: How would you etiquette pros handle this?

  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @cfh71000, that is great advice! I have been trying to get her alone for awhile now. It just seems like she isn't interested anymore. I am a little hurt because she has never really held anything back from me.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • cfh071000 said:
    It does sound like there are a lot of excuses.  Maybe there is something else going on that you are not aware of.  I would try and see if she could meet up for lunch/coffe/anything and you can talk with her and then she ould see how sincere you are., and you guys can go from there.
    I think this is good advice - drop the wedding talk for a little while, take her out for lunch or something and find out what's going on with her.  When people pull away, there's usually a reason, and plenty of the time it has nothing to do with the wedding.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Blue_Birdsarawifenow
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    @OliveOilsMom, @GlitterWitch22, I never meant to imply that I thought it was my business on how she spends her money. I can see how it came across that way. I would never bring this up to her, though!

    Hopefully we are able to get together so that I can see what is going on with her. At what point do I need to ask her if she is planning on being in the wedding? I would like to order her dress for her, but don't want to do so if there really isn't any interest. 2 months? 3 months? Thanks!

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with everything everyone one has said.  

    Clearly her self esteem took a hard hit.  You don't know what her personal finances look like, and she may have some debt she is concerned about paying.  Additionally, she may be projecting future costs, such as showers, bachelorette parties, and other events.  She may be worried that by not attending (because of a lack of funds), that she may disappoint you.

    If this loss is recent, she may be in panic mode.  You don't say what her living situation is, and whether she is self supporting.   Depending on her skill set, it may or may not be easy for her to find a new position.  That is a lot of stress and dread to carry.


  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    @mobkaz-She currently lives alone which worries me as well. I just feel awful because I feel like I can't be there for my best friend. She seems to have no interest. I wish that I could just come out and say, "don't worry, I am not going to make you pay for anything. I just want you there!" without being super rude! Haha!

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Hi Ladies,

    I am in need of your awesome advice again! I seem to be having a little MOH...situation.

    So here is the backstory....

    When FI and I got engaged, I knew instantly that I wanted my two best friends to be co-MOHs. We confirmed with all VIPS a good date that would work for them and settled on Oct. 18, 2014.

    Once I had my BMs selected and confirmed, I got budgets from everyone ($250). We picked out a dress that everyone loved in the store and looked fabulous on everyone's body types. The dress came in at $150. Bonus!

    Fast forward to about a month ago. One of my MOHs (we'll call her "K" for this), loses her job. I have been trying to be there for her through this, but she is always up in the mountains taking ski weekends which I am not quite sure how she is affording them...my other MOH and I have been having our weekly girls nights without K. K isn't interested in girls nights now she says. I have tried talking to her about this, but she blows me off.

    So I get a text from K yesterday saying that she doesn't think she can afford her dress now because she doesn't have a job. I immedietly tried calling and was forwarded to VM. So I sent a text and said, "K, I completely understand! I couldn't imagine not having you in my wedding over a stupid dress. How about this, you let me buy your dress for you as a gift, but in exchange, you have to help me with makeup ideas. You are so much better at makeup than me!" She never responded...nothing. Until just now. She texts me and says she doesn't know and that the dress is way over her budget and it doesn't even look good on her. I respond that she looks fantastic in the dress (which she does!) and that she doesn't need to worry about the money (which she doesn't). She then says that she doesn't even know if she will be free on Oct. 18th...wth?

    I am so confused. Do you think she misinterpreted my text? K is one of my bffs and I can't imagine not having her at my wedding. It just seems I am being met with excuse after excuse. Any suggestions on what to do next?

    This is what stood out the most to me. It does seem like excuse after excuse and I don't blame you for being hurt by it. Clearly there are some bigger issues here. As PPs have said take some non wedding time and just chat with her (girls night in with a bottle of wine was a great idea!)
    image


    Anniversary
    sarawifenowmelbelleup
  • I agree, give her some space for a bit. Losing a job can be very, very depressing. On that note, I think her giving you those excuses are hinting (at least to me) that she just might not be interested in wedding stuff anymore. I would say after giving her some space, have a heart to heart, and keep wedding talk out of it if possible. There is a deeper issue than all of this wedding stuff, at hand and I think seeing what is up is the best thing you can do ATM.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    image
  • I went through a period of unemployment a couple of years ago.  It's not just depressing it can be terrifying when you are facing the possibility of being homeless.  I had to bow out of some social obligations because I was searching for a job and needed to be available for interviews and to work if I got an offer.  When you are desperate you don't want to give a potential employer any reason to say "no".  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards